From: "Chuck" Subject: How To Write Bad Fiction Date: 23 Aug 2000 00:00:00 GMT Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars I am tired. Too tired to get out of this damn chair. And I'm only too afraid of what kind of crap will hit the page if I try writing SotN 36 right now, so instead, I shall regail you with my wisdom.... HOW TO WRITE BAD FICTION Bad fiction comes easy to some, but for others bad fiction is a goal to be aspired to. For those not blessed with the ability to write really really bad stories, allow me to help. Step 1) Use the characters of others, but use them your way. Coming up with a name like "Spock" who is pointed eared and smart takes time, time which can be better spent writing about your main character (see Step 2). Use Spock in your tale; after all, everyone likes Spock. But don't feel you've got to listen to all the people who point out things about Spock, nit-pickers like them can be ignored. If you want to have Spock masturbating to Romulan porn magazines, by God, don't let anyone stand in your way! You are the writer, and you can make the characters do whatever the hell you want. Step 2) Need a hero? Look no further than the mirror. And of course, don't stop at hero; there's always room for a good love interest or a martyr. Show the reader how flawed the main characters are in contrast to your own perfection. Don't be afraid to outdo the expert on the show, you can beat Worf with a bak'leth; it reminds everyone else that these characters aren't as strong as they think. Step 3) The villain: evil is as evil does A villain must be clear-cut bad, with nothing sympathetic about them (otherwise they wouldn't be the villain). Villains do bad things whenever they can, and may be prone to: laugh maniacally, insult the heroes, and rub their long mustaches. The villain needs to be this way to show just how good the heroes are, or we wouldn't know who was the good guy. And remember, villains don't require depth, it's enough to know that they are bad, the reader will be too busy being scared of them to care about the character him/herself. It is, however, okay for the villain to admit they do find some trait of the hero remarkable (see Step 2). Step 4) Don't fear cliches, they are tried and true methods of storytelling Everyone understands cliches because of our experience with them, so you as the writer are free to exercise your brains in other areas, such as describing how great your hero is (see Step 2). When you depart from cliches you run the risk of losing the audience, which can be bad; you want them with you every step of the way, knowing exactly where you're going. And remember, a cliche is a cliche because it's true: love blossoms fully at a glance (no, that's not lust, that's genuine love) for example. Step 5) The sky is the limit, and don't let anyone tell you differently You have absolute freedom as a writer, so don't listen to people who think you should or shouldn't be writing what you are. YOU are the artist remember, it is your vision, and if you believe that five hundered words describing Leia's shoes is appropriate, who should stand in your way? Nothing is too absurd to be included in your story; after all, it's a great chance to show just how great your hero is (see Step 2). Step 6) Putting it all together Now, watch as it is all put together to create a true masterpiece; this is how you should write. Captain Picard stood up, and he tugged at his uniform several times. "I am happy to be here today to speak on behalf of my close, personal friend. I've known him only a short while, but he's already become something of a mentor for me. The new candidate for President of the Federation: Commander Buck Dangerburg." Commmander Buck, being the dashing yet modest man that he was, waited until Picard stepped aside to take the podium. Picard was rubbing away tears of joy as Commander Buck stepped squarely behind the podium, his broad chest muscles rippling beneath his uniform as he adjusted the microphone. "I am glad you are here today," he said. "But we must all remember that I am not here for myself. I want to help the people of the Federation." The crowd cheered at his wonderful words of modesty, but suddenly a voice was heard. "You will never become president, fool!" "You watch yourself," Picard said, the blood vessels in his neck bulging with fury as he shouted at him. "This is Commander Buck Dangerburg, and you should show him some respect." "Now now, Jean-luc," Commander Buck said, trying to calm down his friend. "We live in a free society, and must tolerate the views of others, even if we don't like them." "You're right as always, Commander Buck," Picard said. "Fools! He will never win the election!" cried the little man. "I, Slinky Keester, will be the next president of the Federation, and none of you fools can stop me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And he ran off. "Don't worry, Commander Buck," Picard said, "There is no chance the people will choose him over a man like yourself." "Perhaps, but there's something about him I don't trust," Commander Buck said. Picard was shocked. "Do you think so?" "There just might be," Commander Buck said. "I think we should take a look at what Slinky Keester is doing at his campaign headquarters." "Brilliant idea, Commander Buck!" Picard said. "But how will we get inside? Surely Slinky Keester has guarded his headquarters against anyone who might snoop around." "Maybe," Commander Buck said, "But I doubt he's thought of blocking the ventilation ducts into his building." "Commander Buck, you're a genius!" Hopefully this exercise has trained you well. -- Chuck http://www.sfdebris.com