[Scene fades up to a wide shot of the audience applausing] ANNOUNCER (Voiceover): Welcome to the first ever Golden Stardestroyer Fanfic Awards! Presenting tonight are many of the denizens of alt.startrek.vs.starwars, including... [Video montage of different denizens] ANNOUNCER: Jonathan Boyd! Rob Dalton! Ryan Gordon! VOICE IN BACKGROUND: It's ROG, you wanker!! ANNOUNCER: Rog! Michael January! Kyle Knopf! LT.Hit-Man! Alex Moon! Phong Nguyen! Chris O'Farrell! Björk Paulsen! ANOTHER VOICE IN BACKGROUND: BJÖRN! My name is BJÖRN!! ANNOUNCER: Björn Paulsen! Webber McGravin! Chuck Sonnenburg! Atomik Chicken! Naahmah! Doomriser! Michael Wong! Nathan Yates! Big Steve! And Graeme Dice! With "special" guest appearances by: Weyoun the Dancing Gimp! WEYOUN: taht's BOIRG, yuo fuckng moron! ANNOUNCER: Weyoun the Fucking Moron! Paul Jacques! And Sean P. Collins!!! [Thunderous applause. Audience pan. Camera highlights various audience members, including Spyda, Gavin Taylor, Crayz9000 and Strowbridge. Dissolve to Stage.] ANNOUNCER: And now your hosts for this evening, Rob Dalton and Chuck Sonnenburg! [Rob and Chuck walk out from opposite sides of the stage. Both are dressed in expensive, well-fitting tuxedos that have pants guaranteed not to split down the middle. Chuck carries a massive battle-axe, while Rob has a shiny new Spaceballs the Flamethrower. Chuck has the tell- tale grey tinge of a man whose children continually try to assimilate him. More thunderous applause. The hosts reach the main podium, and the applause gradually peters out. Various shouts from the audience express their interest in the hosts' bodies and sexual organs, also making references to various positions that would bend the mind of even the author of the Kama Sutra.] ROB: Yes, ma'am, it really is that-- CHUCK: Can we get going, please? ROB: Sure. Tonight, we honor the best and brightest in the fanfic industry. We have twenty-two awards to give out, and only around one hundred kilobytes of text to do so with. So without further ado... CHUCK: Here is our first presenter of the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Phong Nguyen! [Phong comes out to thunderous applause. In his hands he carries the Mallet of Doom and an envelope. He places his Mallet back into Malletspace as he reaches the podium.] PHONG: In every fanfic, it is important to have a sense of identity for the character. It is also important to show them grow and expand beyond their original selves and become even more complex. It is in this vein then that I present The Darth Vader "The Force is Strong in this One" Award for Best Character Development. And the nominees are...Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg! '"I am Seven of Nine," she said emphatically as she took step after step, "Tertiary Adjunct," she stepped around Luke, "of Unimatrix Zero One," stopping in front of Capt. Janeway. She leaned down, her face inches from the other's. "But you may call me.... Annika Hansen." And she continued laughing."' PHONG: Conquest, by Michael Wong! '"Shut up! Shut up with that damned self-righteous Vulcan attitude!" Chang shouted. He pulled off his helmet and showed Marek his mangled face, still missing one eye and still badly scarred from the Borg implants. "Do you have any idea what I've been through, Marek? I dragged myself out of sickbay to come find you! I wouldn't even be standing if the medics didn't pump me full of drugs before sending me on this mission! I have to wear this stormtrooper armour because I'm still not fit to be seen in public! So don't talk to me about your suffering, Marek. I've gone to Hell and back for the Federation! What have you done?"' PHONG: Rasputin, by Michael O'Shea! '"Yes sir." said Orren, almost detached. Looking back at his fist he grinned. He could get to like this, whatever they did if it made him an even better pilot it would be worth it - no matter what the cost. He had to fly! His whole body seemed to respond fluidly, without any of the slowness of before. Looking up at Rask he focused on his face with a sudden focus and clarity unnatural for normal sight. It was not in infrared or anything like that, but rather extremely lucid - all the detail was apparent, even the blood flowing through veins and the slight flush in Rask's cheeks. "When can I fly again?"' PHONG: Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'Whind temporarily withdrew, her hatred obvious. "You always were too weak Vader," she sneered, lighting her second blade again. Vader held his blade with confidence. "That name," he said, "no longer has any meaning for me."' PHONG: And ISD Eliminator, by Michael January! 'The engineer saluted and hurried off. Issard squinted out over the lake again. The small group of swimmers were drying themselves off on the narrow beach. He didn't know whether they had just come off a shift or were about to start one. For a second he wondered at himself. He couldn't remember ever having been so concerned about the people placed in his care before, or so disturbed at losing anybody either. Slapping his palm against his thigh he abruptly turned away.' PHONG: And the winner is... [Phong opens an envelope] Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg! [Chuck walks out from backstage. A look of utterly fake surprise is on his face. He is tearing slightly.] CHUCK: I *sniff* thought I'd be standing here today...it was an honor just being nominated. I'd like to give thanks to my boss, who quite literally is a God to me, and also to the newsgroup, without whose support I would not have been here tonight. I would also like to take this opportunity to smash Sean Collins in the face with my very large axe, but since he's not here tonight I'll have to resort to burning him in effigy. Thank you, and goodnight! [Walks off] ANNOUNCER: And now, presenting the award for Best Ending, here is Björn Paulsen! BJÖRN: A fact about fanfics: you can't write a good story without having a good ending. A good ending, though, is not just about tying up the loose ends: it's about closure, both in character and in story. Here are the nominees for The Grand Moff Tarkin "Evacuate? In our Moment of Triumph?" Award for Best Ending...Conquest, by Michael Wong!! 'Q threw his hands up in mock despair. "All right, fine. You really must learn to lighten up, Captain. But if it will make you feel better, your little ship survived. It crash-landed." "Where?" Q smiled. "A better question might be where and *when*, Mon Capitaine." "All right, where and when did they crash-land?" Q leaned closer. "Let's just say they ended up in a time long ago. In a galaxy far, far away. On an uninhabited planet that will someday be known ... as Coruscant."' BJÖRN: Blaze of Glory, by Rob Dalton! '"Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! His truth is marching on!" With that, the helmsman hit the button, and they went to warp. A line of fire sliced through the _Onslaught_, and both were consumed in a spectacular fireball of exploded matter and loosed energy. The Imperial threat was no more. Captain Sonnenburg had made the ultimate sacrifice.' BJÖRN: Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! '"This isn't an end, Picard," Q said, raising off the floor on his special throne. "It's a new beginning. Move forward, embrace the future don't dwell on the past. It never ends Picard, never. The long march is always away from where you've been towards the unknown. That, Picard, is what you need to learn. It's a bold new future, with new friends, new ideas, new opportunities."' BJÖRN: Federation's End, by Michael January! 'Boyd's last thought was one of anger at the universe. All the Federation had strove to achieve. The betterment of humanity. Peace and goodwill. The unity of the galaxy's species. Centuries of strife and suffering and achievement and tears and happiness and laughter and learning and sacrifice. For nothing. And he didn't even know why. Or who.' BJÖRN: And Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg!! 'She held the lightsaber close to her breast, the tears flowing freely now. "Never," she said with a mixture of pain and hope. "I never will." She picked up his cloak where he had left it, and folded it up very carefully. She placed it on the small window ledge, and rested the lightsaber on top of it. "You'll need to come back for this," she said as she looked at the stars. "Let it guide you back home." She reached up and touched the glass with her fingertips, gazing into the depths of infinity. BJÖRN: And the winner is........Conquest, by Michael Wong! [CU of Mike. He looks extremely ecstatic and bounds up onto stage.] MIKE WONG: Wow, this is a totally unexpected honor! Ah...how can I express my gratitude properly...oh fuck it, thanks everybody...and here is my award to you! [Out of the ceiling drops a cage. A single person is inside it, swearing in French. The cage lowers to the ground, and Mike goes over to face the lone occupant.] MIKE: And now it is time for the final battle. Are you ready, Paul? PAUL: HAH! I am ALWAYS ready against a P'TAK like you! The mathematical CON MAN is going down! MIKE: We'll just see about that. OK, raise him to the roof. I'll be up there soon. [He flashes the audience a wicked smile, picks up a force pike and runs up to the roof.] ROB: I guess we'll have more on that as it develops. But for now, please welcome your next presenter, Nathan Yates! [Nathan walks up to the stage. On his back he carries a large crate full of guns. Two bandoliers of ammo form in an 'X' across his chest, and along his belt is a row of hand grenades.] NATHAN: Perhaps one of the most entertaining aspects of fan fiction are the battles, both in ground and in space. Each adds a particular element of action and excitement to the story. And fun. There is no better joy than watching as a Hovertank fires off a couple of rounds, slaughtering countless infantry as it crushes the bodies of the dead! As blood spurts through the air and various inanimate objects explode violently! [begins to salivate] Blood and death and destruction and sharp sticks! [Nathan laughs maniacally. Rob comes out from back stage and gives him a swift kick in the ass.] NATHAN: Ahem. Anyway, here are the nominees for The General Veers "You May Start Your Landing" Award for Best Ground Combat and The Lando Calrissian "We'll Last Longer Than We Will Against That Death Star!" Award for Best Space Battle! First, for Best Ground Combat...Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary! 'But the shells still came roaring in like brimstone from the sky, and the regiments raced to cut them off, clashing at closer and closer ranges. Johans smiled, though. They couldn't cut him off in time. They couldn't. At the lead of the formation, from carefuly concealment among anything that would offer it, the men of the heavy infantry brigade commenced firing with anti-tank missiles and RPGs at the lead scouting vehicles, and the single tank company they opposed. The men of Hell's Hammers had grown to reliant on orbital scanning support, and the primitive weapons being used did not show up on energy scans, though were brutally effective at point-blank ranges. Surprise was total.' NATHAN: Galaxy of War, by Michael January! 'Two of his soldiers, who had come charging up behind him, jumped over his sprawled figure and ducked through the entrance into the crosscut, spraying the area with their flechette rifles. Emptying his magazine, the first solder threw himself to the ground, allowing the second soldier to jump over him and into the crosscut. Bevel joined them, and together they raced along the cut, stumbling over Klingon bodies, and slipping in still warm and bubbling lavender fluid seeping out of the bodies. They made it to the entrance leading to the next hatchway, and Bevel made ready to chuck another grenade into the passage to clear it of any likely enemies.' NATHAN: Distant Thunder, by Chris O'Farrell! 'Blaster fire erupted from his men, and lanced out over the battlefield. In the local strobing light given off, he was able to see the slaves pummeled and falling to the ground, the bodies stolen from their owners released from their painful servitude by the deadly lances of energy. The Stormtroopers waved their thanks as a beat up medivac landspeeder moved up, got them aboard and set off with a scream of repulsorlifts, Michael and his squad got up, firing a few blasts at the Vong line more to discourage pursuit then to inflict casualties.' NATHAN: Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard! 'Suddenly, Hit-Man executed a breathtaking leap, somersaulting over Yates' head. Yates finished loading the cell into his E-11 and turned to follow Hit-Man. What he saw further convinced him that Hit-Man was either insane; or very, very good. Hit-Man was in the middle of a throng of creatures. They surrounded him completely, but Hit-Man's motions weren't those of a scared man. They were those of a possessed man. As Yates watched, Hit-Man swung his lightsaber so fast, that it left a momentary afterimage on his retina. The black blade cut deeply into the creatures, meeting almost no resistance as Hit-Man plied his deadly trade. Creature after creature fell at Hit-Man's feet, victims of his deadly lightsaber. Even with the assistance of Hit-Man, there were too many of the creatures for the Cleaners to handle alone.' NATHAN: And Rasputin, by Michael O'Shea! '"Damn it!" shouted Zaaron. "Gunners, I want my sky cleared now! CAG, where's my air support?" the radio crackled in reply - the TIEs were already dealing with the craft over beta group. Zaaron swore as another pair of shuttles crested a distant hill, their relative speeds making them pass overhead before they could fire. The juggernaughts crested the hill and hurtled into the air like stunt cars, their massive wheels spinning mid-air as they slowly landed with a colossal *crunch* on some farmstead. Their passage churned up crops, buildings, assorted machinery and several unlucky people who picked a bad day to work. The first shuttle that flew overhead, firing as it went, was struck simultaneously by several shots and exploded with a flash of antimatter.' NATHAN: And now the nominees for Best Space Battle...first off is Galaxy of War, by Michael January! 'The cube seemed to shiver and twist away as the broadside tore into the damaged section. The concussion missiles followed up, adding to the carnage. "Helm, get us back on course, intercept that frigate." Behind them, several TIE bombers screamed towards the stricken cube, firing missiles as fast as they could. A Nebulon B cruiser also turned on the cube, which somehow was still operational. The Render shook as something hit it. They had wandered into the path of several federation ships, and took a number of hits not meant for them, but for the Gate. A furious battle erupted for a handful of seconds, and then the Federation ships had swept past towards the Gate, while the Render remained on course for the frigate it was chasing. "Prepare full dorsal broadside, all weapons. Target that frigate. Fire."' NATHAN: Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary! '"Come about, bearing zero zero nine mark five, accelerate to attack speed... All weapons fire at targets of opprotunity!" Federation Peregrines dueled with Tie Defenders in a vicious dogfight around the dueling titans. However, for once, despite outnumbering the enemy, the Empire didn't have the advantage. The thirty Carrack Cruisers were at a disadvantage to the heavy warships of the allies. Worf stood on the bridge of the Kronos One and reveled in the glory of battle. The massive ship, a heavy cruiser even by Imperial standards, pummeled one Carrack after another, lances of disruptor beams and green pulses impacting along the Imperial Carracks, though the energy was returned in kind with heavy plasma barrages. The shields of the Kronos One held, and two massive pulse disruptors opened fire on an unshielded carrack directly ahead, punching through to it's reactor and triggering an explosion which obliterated the aft two thirds of the ship. The third kill.' NATHAN: Osiris, by Michael O'Shea! 'A pair of quantam torpedoes hurled themselves backwards at the damaged fighter, mere seconds passing before they punched through the fighters shields and the small ship detonated in a spectacular antimatter explosion. In return the Jem'Hadar battleship opened fire with its own beam weapons, stabbing into their shields and causing alarms to sound as several large hull breaches opened up. Captain Rolfe knew the _Abraham_ couldn't take much more of this punishment - if only they could go faster! Suddenly the dust cloud enveloped them as the _Abraham_ ploughed through the stellar debris, navigational deflectors at full power to push the dust aside. At the near-light velocities they were doing a single speck hitting the external hull would be devastating, if not catastrophic.' NATHAN: Conquest, by Michael Wong! 'The cloaked Tanaka passed through the breach in the shield, and through the burning wreckage of a wrecked Carrack cruiser. Ships were darting back and forth over the surface of the Death Star now, blasting away at the surface and desperately trying to evade the streams of defensive fire coming back up at them. But the Death Star was thickly, massively armoured, and many of its vital areas had their own protective shield systems. A thousand explosions bloomed on its surface, and he could see how badly its surface had been scarred by the superlaser and the subsequent attack. Flames belched from thousands of damaged and destroyed surface structures, and thousands of glowing craters pockmarked its surface. However, the battle station's sheer bulk was so vast that all of this destruction was still not enough. This is taking far too much time, Picard thought to himself.' NATHAN: And Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'The TIE's lasers beat down the shields of the nearby Y-Wing, sending the ship into a collapsing pile of debris. Lando's sites locked, and he returned the favor, destroying the TIE in two volleys. He twisted his Trillon Aggressor around and began chasing an Interceptor. That was a lot harder; they were more maneuverable than the standard TIE and better armed. Lando, on the other hand, had years of experience and a cargo hold full of luck. Despite its spins and dives, Lando gave chase, and smiled as the ship slid right into his sites. A push of a button later, and the ship was an expanding cloud of vapor.' NATHAN: And the winners are...[fumbles with envelope] Err... [He fails to tear the end off and pulls out a Desert Eagle, shooting a hole in the corner and tearing off the rest.] The winners are Fist of the Empire by Marina O'Leary for Best Ground Combat, and Galaxy of War by Michael January for Best Space Battle! [Thunderous applause. Marina hops up on stage, dressed in the outfit of a 1940's German army officer, while Mike walks up wearing the uniform of a modern Fleet Admiral.] MARINA: Thank you all for this great honor...[She catches sight of Nathan's equipment...no, not that equipment!] Hey, that's some nice hardware you got there! [Nathan backs away as Marina advances on him, then she chases him offstage as he flees.] I JUST WANT TO TOUCH IT! MIKEJ: Uh, I guess I speak for both of us when I say that it's YOU who we did this for. Well, mostly. Sometimes, though, during the day when nobody's around, I start typing up a battle scene while the Imperial March is playing at full blast...then I unzip and-- CHUCK: Ha ha, that's great, Mike! No, seriously. Thank you. MIKEJ: And I go real fast for a minute-- CHUCK: No, really. MIKEJ: I can type with one hand, you know-- CHUCK: That's great. MIKEJ: I've gone through fifteen keyboards-- CHUCK: OK, shut up. Yo, Fred! [motions to stage manager] Kill the mic! Quick! [Looks very concerned as a PA pulls out a Glock semiautomatic from the camera ped] THE MIC! Not Mike! January! Calm down! [Mike begins humming the Imperial March as he starts performing an unspeakable act on stage, which is fortunately hidden by the podium, a luxury Pee Wee Herman didn't have.] CHUCK: Security! [LT.Hit-Man comes out with a straight jacket. Mike runs off, still unzipped, and Hit-Man chases him offstage.] CHUCK: Well, now that that little escapade is over, here is our next presenter. Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Aron Kerkhof. [Aron gets a standing ovation from the crowd as he walks out, followed by his very own Battlebot, the Trollslayer Mk.II. He waves them down, but they don't stop for another full minute.] ARON: Thank you. Thank you. No, really, I was just doing my duty. [Cheering dies down.] Thank you. Yes, I am The Kerkhof, the one who hath slain the menace of the King of the Trolls. So, I think it's fitting that tonight I present the award for the best slaying of The One Who's Name Must Not Be Spoken. Let me be the first to say that all the methods, though cruel, were also hilarious. And the nominees are...Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd! 'Jones was running faster than he believed possible for the human body. Another second and he would be at the trees. With a nose-breaking thud, he hit the boundary of the pocket universe Q had created. He clawed frantically at the space in front of him, only to find that the trees were cruelly placed just out of his reach. Heart beating ever quicker, he turned to see Sir Graeme advancing steadily on him, cutting off his escape. He screamed Q's name over and over, but the distant entity merely looked on, a fascinated expression on his face. Curling up, Jones collapsed on the ground. As Sir Graeme raised the massive sword, his blood pressure peaked at well over 10 times its normal levels. As the 2 metre long blade sliced into him, his head exploded like a burst balloon, spraying blood everywhere. Opening his mouth wide, Sir Graeme drank gratefully before picking up Jones' carcass. Hacking off a leg with his lightsabre, he dropped the remains and headed back to his horse, chewing the leg. There were enough people left to feed him for a few weeks.' ARON: Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! 'A few hours later, on the bridge, they watched in stunned silence as wave after wave of Jones exploded, instantly regenerating and detonating again. This area of space would forever more be the place of Jones death as it happened over and over and over again, the destruct mechanisms stuck in a continuous loop. As soon as they detected that the host was alive, they would detonate. Billions of Jones' exploding over and over and over and over. Never to cease. Boyd smiled and turned to Heckler. "There, you see, we can solve things nicely."' ARON: LT.Hit-Man's Journal Honor Bound, by LT.Hit-Man! '"Well, I must say, this guy is all heart," LT.Hit-Man said to Ezri as slid his human hand under Jones's still beating heart, slowly tightening his grip on the wet pulsating organ, savouring the finality of death that was about to dealt to the suffering bag of nearly dead meat.' ARON: The Outpost, by Mark Sheppard! '"Lord Vader! What an unexpec..." Jones never had a chance to finish, because at that moment, Vader reached out with the Force. "You have failed me for the last time." rasped Vader, slowly drawing his fingers together into a fist. Admiral Timothy Jones, for the first and last time in his life, felt fear. As the invisible hand slowly tightened around his neck, cutting off his air supply, he began to gasp and claw at his neck. Boyd looked at the Admiral, who was now fighting for life, nervously. Vader suddenly spoke. Boyd looked away from the sight of the doomed man to his Lord. "Captain, take the _Fury_, and capture the lone surviving alien ship." intoned Vader in his eerie mechanical voice. At that moment, Vader finished drawing his fingers into a fist. From Jones, a faint gurgle was heard, followed by bones crunching. Vader released the now-dead Admiral, and the body hit the deck with a sickening thud.' ARON: And An ASVS Christmas Carol, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'The spirit's hand lashed out at the words, and for a moment Ebenezer Jones thought he was going to strangle him. It was then that Jones saw the spirit clutching a Glock semi-automatic. Three rounds slammed into his body, and he toppled into the bottom of the open grave. The spirit tossed the gun into the grave with the corpse and pulled back his hood. "Jesus," said Lt. HIT-MAN, "I thought he'd never shut the fuck up."' ARON: And the winner is... [Suddenly, a figure dressed in all black rappels down from a skylight, cutting Aron off. He removes his facemask to reveal...the face of Evil!] TOWNMNBS: False. Ad hoministicism. The rest is deleted unread. This childishness offends me. [LT.Hit-Man runs out from backstage, but is slammed to the ground by the immense Bozon field. Aron cowers on the floor in a fetal position, gripping his head as if it was about to explode.] TOWNMNBS: You are *deliberately* slandering my good name and the good name of Star Trek. Star Trek ships are *categorically8 superior to those of Star Wars. In fact, one phaser blast can obliterate the entire Star Wars galaxy. [Suddenly, a crazed lunatic leaps up on stage, throwing off his trenchcoat to reveal a class 12 KF 'Final Solution' Anti-Troll Bomb.] WEE MAD ANDO: IN THE NAME OF THE FAQ!!! [Ando runs at TOWNMNBS and tackles him to the ground. TOWNMNBS explodes spectacularly, but Ando is left injured yet alive. A medvac arrives and removes him.] ARON: Wow. That was cool! Let's all thank Ando here. Thank you, sir. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Now, as for the award...it goes to...Baron Kenneth von Lowe for Domination!! [The Baron claps his face in surprise and leaps up out of his seat, nearly upsetting the sheep to either side of him. He runs to the podium.] BARON: I AM VINDICATED! [He laughs evilly] All you naysayers, you laughed at me then! NOW YOU WILL FEAR MY WRATH!!! [Baron runs off the stage yodeling. He's soon chased by LT.Hit-Man. Michael January, no longer under pursuit, heads for the bathroom with a copy of the Imperial Sourcebook.] ROB: Wow. That was totally...expected. Who forgot to put the restraints on him? CHUCK: Wasn't my problem. Sutton's supposed to keep him in check. ROB: So where is he? CHUCK: Good question. Anyway, let's get on with the show! For our next category, here is...um...Michael January. Um, is he out of the bathroom yet? ROB: Here he comes now...oh Jesus. Can we cut to commercial please? [Commercial: New from BoydWorks, the Happy Fun Ball Mk.II] VOICEOVER: New, from BoydWorks, Inc.! The Happy Fun Ball Mk.II, now with more ball! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: YOU WILL JOIN THE BOYD COLLECTIVE VOICEOVER: Yes, now you can have your very own Happy Fun Ball! Be the envy of the entire block! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: YOU WILL NOT RESIST THE POWER OF THE BOYD VOICEOVER: Get it now, only £999.95! [Commercial ends.] ANNOUNCER: And we're back to the first ever Golden Stardestroyer Fanfic Awards! Here with our next award is Michael January! MIKEJ: Heh heh. The only thing better than a good session of *bleep* is a good plot twist. Throwing a monkey wrench into the story is a great way to continue with the plot and make it fresh and exciting. Here are the nominees for The Darth Vader "Luke...I am your Father" Award for Most Unexpected Plot Twist. First off, Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'Picard looked up at him, uncertain of what was going on. "How do you know about Anansi?" "Oh, I know you know of it Picard," Thrawn replied in an off- the-cuff voice. "You've known for some time now, but failed to understand. You see Picard, you failed to consider your own culture. So let me point it out for you," and he leaned forward. "I am Anansi."' MIKEJ: Conquest, by Michael Wong! 'Kanos smiled again. He continued walking, until they were looking out toward the starboard front quarter of the Crimson Blade. In the distance, they could see the massive Eclipse class ship, surrounded with mile-long Star Destroyers that looked positively miniscule in comparison. Kanos made a grandiose gesture toward the city-sized vessel. "Captain, that ship over there is an Eclipse class Star Destroyer. It carries the strongest shields of any Imperial starship. It carries thousands of turbolaser turrets and the superlaser which we demonstrated for you. It is designed to take on entire fleets, and win. Your friend Halsey was wasting his breath by ordering his ships to attack it, and it is a credit to your officer corps that none of those ships followed his foolish commands." "All very impressive, Kanos. But you haven't told me anything I didn't already know." "Captain, don't be so impatient. I am showing you this vessel because I have an offer to make." "And that offer is?" "I would like you to be the captain of that ship."' MIKEJ: Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'And that was when Luke felt Data. For the first time he felt the emotions of an android and their effect on the Force. It was quite a disconcerting thing, especially considering what he felt: pure hatred. Data grinned at Luke and Leia and snickered. "Yes indeed," he said slowly, "everything is going exactly as planned. I'm sure your father will be very pleased."' MIKEJ: Battleground Alpha! 'Lying back, as tears began to fill his eyes, he noticed something was wrong with his nose. Sitting up, a task made incredibly difficult by the lack of arms, he looked into the mirror opposite and bit back a scream. His nose was now almost half a metre long and had a large plunger on the end.' MIKEJ: And Domination! '"As I was saying. You are indeed brave, and powerful to be able to fly, I offer you the chance to join with me, and destroy all that is good in the galaxy once and for all." Gingerbeard needed a full microsecond to think that one through, and nodded instantly. "Good. I will teach you the ways of the Force. It is strong in you, I feel it pulsing through your veins, begging to be set free. I will show you how to release that power, and you will never be injured again."' MIKEJ: And the winner is...Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg!! [Chuck walks out again from backstage, carrying his first GSDA.] CHUCK: Uh, thanks again, folks! [Smiles, takes GSDA and walks off] ROB: Well, that was anticlimatic. And now, to wake you all up, here's what's currently going on above your heads! [Live footage is piped down from three remote cameras on top of the roof. Mike Wong and Paul Jacques are preparing to face off. Mike unsheathes a massive Logic Sword, curved, glinting and jagged, while Paul pulls out a loaf of French bread. Mike is astounded.] PAUL: Yahr pitiful logic eez no match for zee power of zee BOZON! MIKE: You are quite the idiot man-child, aren't you? PAUL: HAH! Insults! You concede DEFEAT! Paul wins AGAIN! [Mike slices through the end of the loaf of bread, and amazingly, the tip of his Logic Sword falls off.] MIKE: What the... PAUL: Logic has no place ici, FOOL! Ah am ZUPERIOR to you! [Mike ducks back as Paul swings his bread.] ROB: Well, looks like Mike is in a pickle! The Bozon field up there is preventing any sort of logical events. We'll let that battle continue for now. In the meanwhile, here are the next presenters, ASVS Lovebirds Atomik Chicken and Naahmah! [Clucking sounds can be heard backstage, and suddenly a green glow permeates through the audience. Atomik Chicken is ten feet tall, mildly radioactive and is covered head to toe in bondage gear. Naahmah is riding him to the podium, dressed as a dominatrix, complete with knee- high stiletto boots, fishnet stockings, tight leather and a military- style flat black cap.] ATOMIK CHICKEN: Cluck, cluck! NAAHMAH: [Whips AC with a riding crop] Silent, slave! Speak only when ordered to! [Smiles sweetly at the audience] Sometimes the best part of a story is not the action, bloodshed and heroics, but the romance. [Strokes AC lovingly] And I know a thing or two about romance. Tonight I present The Princess Leia "I'd Just as Soon Kiss a Wookiee!" Award for Best Romance! Our first nominee is Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg! '"Oh quit talking that way," she said. "What's it take to shut you up?" She grabbed the lapels of his shirt and yanked, her lips rushing to find his. After some time, their lips slowly parted. "Annika," he said. "Yes?" He pointed towards the floor. "Wanna put me down now?"' NAAHMAH: And...Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe? BARON: [Streaking across stage] You're bloody right! HAH! VOTE FOR ME! [LT.Hit-Man runs after him] '"Are you saying that you're in love with Jones?!?!?!" exclaimed Dalton incredulously. "For years you picked on him, gave him the worst jobs on the ship, hell you even left him to be captured by the Imperials on purpose! And now you're telling me you love him! Boy would hate to have you love me, it's not worth the pain...." "I didn't realise it until yesterday," explained Boyd, "I felt an emptiness within me the moment Jones was gone, and I just have to go and get him back." At that moment a light flickered on his console, "We're 30 seconds away from making the reversion from hyperspace to realspace. Brace yourself, this could be bumpy."' NAAHMAH: And the winner is...[fumbles with envelope] Slave, open! [Drops it on the floor] ATOMIK CHICKEN: Cluck cluck! [Pecks the envelope open] Cluck! NAAHMAH: Don't damage it!! [Whips AC] Stupid slave! The winner is...[wipes forehead and sighs, relieved] Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg! BARON: BLOODY HELL!!! [Chuck comes out again from backstage, carrying two awards, and picks up yet another.] CHUCK: Thanks again! And now for ten seconds of sex. [Ten seconds of Seven/Mara softcore pornography. Suddenly, there is an explosion of feathers from backstage, and Naahmah begins to yell quite loudly, which is interspersed with various bouts of violent clucking.] NAAHMAH: Stupid, stupid slave!!! On the ground, worm! [Her riding crop sounds off again and again as she mercilessly whips Atomik Chicken.] ROB: Wow, hardcore bondage beastiality. Welcome to ASVS! Moving right along...[Naahmah and AC's voices fade out as they egress.] Here is famed Imperial ship researcher Kyle Knopf! [Kyle slips down to the stage swiftly on a zipline, carrying his envelope.] KYLE: When one has war, one uses strategy. But when one has battle, one uses tactics. Tactics are a very important part of any battle-oriented story. Here are the nominees for The Grand Admiral Thrawn "When You Understand a Species' Art, You Understand that Species" Award for Most Creative Tactic! First off, Conquest by Michael Wong! 'Millions of kilometres away, the ring station was reaching overload level. "The javelin is ready, Admiral." the ring station commander reported. "Commander Kinan, may your aim be true. Fire." Kanos ordered. Seconds later, a precisely controlled forcefield shutdown released the station's enormous payload. The gargantuan energy stream obliterated a section of the ring's outer wall, and shot out in one long, cohesive line toward the Death Star. "Only six microradians off, Admiral." Daron exclaimed with a gleam in his eye. "We've got him!" On the Death Star's overbridge, Jacen felt the threat, rather than seeing it. He saw a blindingly bright white line in his mind, drawing itself between the distant ring station and his Death Star, and he saw what would happen when it struck home. His eyes snapped open. "No ..." he whispered.' KYLE: Galaxy of War, by Michael January! '"Sir," Xris said, "Draw them out a bit further, if you can. I have an idea." "Xris. This had better be good. We can't afford damage to this ship." "Just a few more seconds sir, I am aware of your shield conditions." The Admiral glared at him, but was forced to turn away to give orders to his bridge crew. The battle-cruiser was corkscrewing like a fighter, attempting to keep it's wasp like attackers away from it's weakened shields. The violent maneuvring was barely slowing down the rate of accretion of the shields. Just a little bit more, Xris thought, at the same time marvelling at the ability of the inertial shields and molecular enhancement fields to withstand the immense torque that the battle-cruiser must be experiencing. Now, he thought. "Imperators, I want you to punch a hole in the planetary defences at grid reference green five nine. Execute. Victories, prepare to bombard the planet the moment that hole appears. Restrainor to high orbit and set up an interdiction field to cover them from strafing raids, execute. Stomper, Smasher cover the Restrainor, and provide high orbital cover for the Victories and Imperators, execute. "Dominator, join them, and set up a cone to slow down the ships which have left Earth orbit, I don't want them back too soon. Ripper and Render, we'll go after that ship generating the interdiction field. Execute." KYLE: Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary! '"Captain," Spock began, "The enemy fleet is forming into a blockade wall between us and the transports... Twenty four of the Strike Cruisers are covering the transports. The main ships are in a line, traveling slowly towards Earth, with the support vessels screening the upper and lower flanks of the fleet... Their broadsides are positioned towards us. I advise concentrating the attack on a portion of the support vessels and attempting to punch through." Kirk's response was prompt. "No, Spock... We're going to attack that Executor with everything we have." Spock raised an eyebrow. "The odds of breaking past the main line of Imperial vessels are considerably lower, Captain, than at any other point in their formation." Kirk grinned. "Exactly. And they know it, too. Signal all ships to charge... Full speed. We'll run the blockade right at that Executor." He thumbed his comline to engineering. "Scotty... Flank speed to the sublight drives..... Now!"' KYLE: Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'Immediately the ships disengaged and came around together, a few shots from the Borg weapons striking them as they moved. They twisted about, and suddenly a deadly rain blanketed the surface of the tetrahedron. After a few seconds the shields collapsed, and the ships pulled up, skimming the surface of the cube as they spread out in their various directions. Once they cleared, a single galaxy-class starship continued in, and its main phaser cannon, charged to the limits, tore through the open wound and consumed layer after layer of the pyramid, stopping as it exposed the hypermatter reactor. A single sparking silver jewel left the Enterprise as it pulled up, the torpedo shimmering as it passed through kilometer after kilometer of Borg ship. It struck the side of the reactor and detonated, its expanding destructive energy piercing the shell and causing the reactor to explode. As the ships pulled away the pyramid shattered in all directions.' KYLE: And The Empire Scouts Out the Federation by Michael January! 'The position of the cube was relayed to the first eight probes, with a small variation in the co-ordinates to accommodate any possible error. The eight probes jumped simultaneously as programmed. Three of the cubes had been targeted to jump directly to the cube's position, with five targeted to bracket the cube to within a few hundred metres. The last five were not necessary. The three probes jumped directly to the cube, one apparently detonated right against the hull, the other two inside the cube's hull. Two five hundred megaton explosions inside the cube must have been devastating. Huge chunks of the cube were thrown in all directions, and quickly targeted by the smaller hull mounted laser-cannons, the turbolasers maintained their planetary barrage without interruption.' KYLE: And the winner is...[as he tears open the envelope, he gets a papercut] Damn it! [sucks on finger] Conquest, by Michael Wong! Seeing as he's otherwise occupied, I'll just take this for him...[he begins to walk away, then runs as LT.Hit-Man suddenly leaps onto the stage chasing him, leaving the Baron tied up in his wake. Mike Wong trails behind. A trail of blood marks Kyle's exit.] MIKE: Thanks, Hit-Man. I'll guess I'll pick up my award later, hmm? ROB: What happened up there? MIKE: I stabbed myself. ROB: Wouldn't that have killed you?? MIKE: That would have been the logical conclusion. ROB: So where's Paul? MIKE: Let's just say that I took care of him. Hm, seems like I'm presenting next, eh? Excuse me. [Mike brushes past Rob and walks to the podium.] MIKE: Ahem. Often, to help flesh out a story technically, one must resort to using jargon. Although it is unwise to abuse it, of which examples can be seen in Star Trek Voyager [A collective groan from the audience] a little bit of it can be a good thing. Here are our nominees for The R2-D2 "You Know Better Than to Talk to a Strange Computer!" Award for Best use of Technobabble! Here is our first nominee...Galaxy of War, by Michael January! '"Sir," Data suggested, "It may be that we can reconfigure the deflector dish to project a graviton field similar to that used by the Imperials. It might not be as dense or as powerful, but it may serve."' MIKE: Osiris, by Michael O'Shea! '"Report!" he snarled, unhappy at losing sight of their quarry. "Baryonic tetro-radiation is disrupting the sensor harmonics. Attempts at compensating unsuccessful."' MIKE: Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! '"Not necessarily, sir," Data replied. "I have been analyzing their computer systems, and I believe I can make some modifications to my positronic output port to gain temporary control of the Death Star's main computer, and deactivate the shields. I have noticed that their androids possess an access device that seems to be readily equipped for such routine interfaces." MIKE: And Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! '"Astonishing!" he murmured, "You fired a gravimetrically polarised tachyon beam from a phase inducer at the magnetic interlocks. I'm putting you in for a promotion for this! Congratulations, you'll soon be a full ensign."' [In an amazing demonstration of simple physics, Mike puts the envelope over a steaming kettle, opening it without any damage whatsoever.] MIKE: And the winner is...Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! [The Baron, tied up on the floor, manages to hop over and grab the award with his teeth. After some slightly muffled maniacal laughter, he hops over to the men's restroom.] MIKE: Why is he going to the bathroom? CHUCK: Such questions are best left unanswered. Alright, our next presenter, Rog! [A youngish man dressed in all black with jet black hair seemingly rises from the shadows and glides to the podium. He is somewhat reminiscent of a wraith, but his pasty white face makes him instantly visible.] ROG: [Thick cockney accent] 'ello there, guv! Ya can't have a good 'fic wi'out a good ti'le, so wi'out furtha ado, 'ere is The George Lucas "Better than 'The Phantom Menace'" Award for Best Title! First off, Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard! 'Imperial Phoenix' ROG: Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'Shadows of the Night' ROG: Past Imperfect, by Aron Kerkhof! 'Past Imperfect' ROG: Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg! 'Worlds Without End' ROG: And 'Osiris' by Michael O'Shea! 'Osiris' ROG: [Bites the envelope open and gets a paper cut on his tongue] Shite! Anyway, the winnah is Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard! Bu', since he int heah-- [Rog is cut off by a crash of wood as the door is kicked open. Framed in the square of light is a silhouette of a man, proud and tall. He appears bedraggled, yet still dignified. He struts up to the podium while 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Gees plays in the background.] MKSHEPPARD: I'm baaaaaack! [Laughs as the audience cheers thunderously] Ah, my public! Yes, thank you folks, thank you for rooting for me! I just got back from the pen and boy is my ass tired! [Nervous laughs] Joking, joking. Seriously, thanks for the award, even if it was only based on two words! I still know you appreciate me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe LT.Hit-Man needs a hand securing these lunatics, so awayyyyy I go! ROB: Wow, that was cool. CHUCK: I concur. But move on we must! Here is our next presenter, Doomriser! [The flames of Hell leap from the cracks of a trapdoor in the floor of the stage, and Doomriser, well, rises from the floor and walks to the podium. He is dressed like Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies. With pins. Long ones.] DOOMRISER: Thank you. Your fear is a delicious meal. Tonight, on this black, evil evening, I present to you an award that honors pain. Death. Blood. Torture. Yes...pain. For I AM PAIN. And I will give unto the most deserving The Jean-Luc Picard "THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" Award for Best Torture. Our first evil selection, LT.Hit-Man's Journal Honor Bound. '"Only in the end do you FEEL the full power of the dark side!" she hissed venomously as she ripped his cock off with a hideously loud and wet ripping sound, feeling a dark orgasm rock her entire being. LT.Hit-Man started to laugh at the bloody sight before him. "Talk about a hand job from the Sith!" he cackled gleefully as he watched Ezri drop Fortio to the floor, who was holding himself as he curled up into a fetal position, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. A thin reedy sound was all that could be heard from him. Ezri then delivered the coup de grace by wiping her bloody hand cross Fortio's ashen face in a gentle, almost loving manner, leaving a streak of blood, pulped testicles and other bits of gore.' DOOMRISER: LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Reviews. 'First LT.Hit-Man grabbed Santa's left wrist in his human hand and crushed the nerve endings, rendering Santa's left hand useless in a howl of pain, then he made two blindly fast slashes with his bloody blade across Santa's ponderous gut, bloodying the blade all the more. For his last strike he punched out with his cybernetic hand nailing Santa in the side of his head where he had slashed him. There was a loud crunch as Santa's eye socket caved in on itself, his eye was by the optic nerve. DOOMRISER: Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd. 'Lying back, as tears began to fill his eyes, he noticed something was wrong with his nose. Sitting up, a task made incredibly difficult by the lack of arms, he looked into the mirror opposite and bit back a scream. His nose was now almost half a metre long and had a large plunger on the end. "It's very fetching isn't it? Your family tartan I believe. Fresh form the Daystrom Institute. You can use it to push buttons or pick stuff up instead of hands." "I'm a freak!" "Yes, well you are Scottish."' DOOMRISER: And Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard. 'Daala made adjustments to her blaster, setting it to it's lowest setting. She turned and purposely walked towards the quivering ensign. She aimed the blaster at his feet and pulled the trigger. The stench of burning flesh filled the bridge. She stopped after the flesh around the man's toes had been burned away, revealing the white bone. The man was screaming horribly, since he was in incredible pain. She motioned to the troopers. They clamped their fists over the man's mouth, shutting him up.' DOOMRISER: [Removes a pin from his head and tears open envelope] And the pain belongs to LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Reviews. Time to meet oblivion, Leiutenant. [LT.Hit-Man walks out from backstage, having been temporarily reprieved by Sheppard. He grabs his award and smashes Doomriser full in the face.] LT.HIT-MAN: *I* am pain, bitch. And don't you forget that. [Doomriser disappears under the stage as LT.Hit-Man goes back to take care of business.] CHUCK: That's gotta hurt. Anyway, next up is Wayne Poe. [Wayne walks out onto stage amid cheering and clapping despite the fact that the building is rumbling with each step. He takes the podium. Literally.] WAYNE: Err, whoops. Anyway. Hello and good evening. In a fanfic, it is important to represent both sides of the story to the best of one's ability, to accurately protray both the Star Trek and Star Wars universes. Tonight I am pleased to present to you two awards: The Borg Collective "Resistance is Futile" Award for Best use of Star Trek, and The Jabba the Hutt "My Favorite Decoration" Award for Best use of Star Wars. They speak for themselves, so no clips are needed here! For Best Use of Star Trek, here are the nominees: Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd; Clash of the Titans, by Paul Cassidy; Galaxy of War, by Michael January; and Conquest, by Michael Wong. [Various clips of Star Trek TNG] WAYNE: For Best Use of Star Wars: Past Imperfect, by Aron Kerkhof; Conquest again by Michael Wong; Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg; Galaxy of War again by Michael January; and Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard. [Various clips of Star Wars movies] WAYNE: And the winners are...[Utterly fails to open the envelope normally. In a fit of rage, Wayne smashes up the podium and uses a sharp piece of wood to slice it. Fortunately the mic survives.] Our winners are Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg for Best Use of Star Trek, and Past Imperfect by Aron Kerkhof! [Applause. Chuck comes onto the stage with a wheelbarrow that already contains his previous three awards, places his fourth in it, grunts, nods, and walks off. Aron stays a bit longer. A stagehand wheels in a new podium and sets up the mic.] ARON: Oh wow. I never thought I'd be up here receiving one of these. I've only recently started writing fanfic...thanks all, this means so much to me! [Bows] Thanks again! ANNOUNCER: And now for our next presenter, Graeme Dice! [A man dressed head to toe in armor clanks out onto stage, complete with sword and shield. In his hands he carries a rubber chicken and the envelope. He is big, mean and scary.] GRAEME: I am Sir Graeme of Dice. And being such, I have seen a lot of death in my time. Some are tragic. Some are stupid. Some are banal. And some are funny. So tonight, I am proud to present The Tasha Yar "That's it!" Award for Funniest Death! Our first nominee is Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd! 'Twirling, Sir Graeme saw that Jones was back at live. Shrugging, he wheeled about and charged again. By now, the surprise of coming back to life was beginning to wear off and Jones was able to leap out of the way of Sir Graeme. In doing so, however, he tripped over a root imbedded in the ground. Scrambling to get up, he heard Sir Graeme dismount and stride towards him. Jones could see a maniacal expression on his face, a blood lust that exceeded even the wildest Klingon warriors. Under his right hand, Jones felt something soft and furry. Picking it up, he hurled it at Sir Graeme. Opening his mouth, Sir Graeme bit down hard, biting right through the unfortunate tribble. Realising that Jones would most likely be next, Q returned the deceased Tones back to his original form. Suddenly finding an entire human leg in his mouth, Sir Graeme fell over and struggled to remove it. In the seconds it took for him to recover, Jones had got up and was now running for the forest. Sir Graeme calmly replaced his lightsabre and unsheathed his massive vinegar coated broadsword. Jones deserved special treatment.' GRAEME: Hey, that's me! Next is Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! '"Oh shit." said Gingerbeard, as he watched the phasers shoot past him into the reactor, speeding the chain reaction he had started. He spun his fighter and made for the exit, but it was too late, the cube exploded around him, his shields unable to hold against the massive energies released. "Bah." he said, and died.' GRAEME: My prodigy, and he destroyed me. The bitch. And finally, LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Review! 'Anton and Sean just lay there in their embrace as their fear held them in place, then without warning LT.Hit-Man grabbed Sean by the throat as Anton grabbed LT.Hit-Man the leg screaming, "PLEASE DON'T HURT MY FLUFF MUFFIN, TAKE ME INSTEAD!" "Get off of me!" LT.Hit-Man snarled as he started to shake the leg that Anton was hanging on to, but try as he might LT.Hit-Man could not get the sobbing trekkie off of his leg, so he dropped Sean and reached down and cuffed Anton up side the head, stunning him. As Anton lay there stunned, he watched LT.Hit-Man reach down and pick Sean back up by the face and hold the struggling trekkie in the air for a few moments. Then, there was an obscenely loud crunching sound as Sean's head was crushed like a rotted grape in a Death Star's trash compactor.' GRAEME: And the winner is...[tosses envelope into the air and neatly slices it with his sword] LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Review! [LT.Hit-Man comes out again from back stage, dragging Baron and MikeJ in tow. He takes the award flips it into the pack with the others, and moves to the side, apparently waiting for something.] GRAEME: And now, our ambassador from Spacebattles, Big Steve! [Big Steve stomps up to the podium, again making the building rumble. He grips the sides, causing the podium to crack down the sides.] BIG STEVE: Whoops, sorry about that. Anyway, when you have torture, you usually have gore. And gore is cool. So tonight I present The Commander Worf "Feeling Aggressive Tendencies" Award for Goriest Fanfic! First off is LT.Hit-Man's Journal Honor Bound! 'Hours, minutes, seconds; no one could know how time had passed from the time LT.Hit-Man began to peel Timothy like a bloody orange, separating the skin to expose the muscle beneath it. He cut away a group of muscles like the biceps and worked his way over every muscle group, taking care not to sever any major arteries. All that was left was a heaving mass of exposed organ and bloody bones.' BIG STEVE: LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Review! 'After about an hour LT.Hit-Man stopped the blender. Well, more to the point the blender stopped itself as it shorted out. "This looks just about right," LT.Hit-Man said as he slowly took the top off of the blender and took a sniff. "WHOOOOO that's twisted!" he said as he slapped the blender lid back into place, making some gagging sounds. "Guess that was a bad idea," he said with a shrug of his shoulders before he dumped the gory contents of the blender into the garbage incinerator. There was a slight whooshing sound as LT.Hit-Man fired up the device.' BIG STEVE: Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard! 'Within seconds, before the other Cleaners could respond, it was upon Ali. His screams echoed in their helmets as the...thing tore him apart. Crimson blood splattered across the landscape as the creature tore him in half in an impressive display of strength. Surprisingly, Ali lived just long enough to feel his lungs seared to a crisp by the toxic mixture of methane and argon gas, due to his suit pumping him full of drugs.' BIG STEVE: Blaze of Glory, by Rob Dalton! '_Zeda then watched as the officer was torn from the device, shreds of his scalp following as he was hung on a rack by the skin of his backside and brutally tortured, screaming and begging for mercy, his entire front side slit from top to bottom and his organs removed. But the interrogators would have no mercy...and the screams became louder, louder...so loud that Zeda was forced to cover his ears...and the prisoner finally quieted as the droid ruthlessly tore out his larynx. Yet he was still alive, from the stimulants injected into his brain by the droid, to watch himself being gutted. There was blood, blood everywhere...so much blood...even more as his aorta was sliced and blood erupted, spattering more on the ceiling...and finally, the prisoner slumped, limp and dead. He was dumped down the garbage chute with no ceremony...and the 'interrogation' was finally over. The sanitation teams would be in there cleaning up the blood and gore caked on the walls and floor, even the ceiling, for many days..._' BIG STEVE: And Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! 'The blade snapped back through Taylors head, the boiling blood causing the back of his skull to explode as the lightsaber blade emerged, Taylors brain stuck to its tip, burning away to nothing in seconds.' BIG STEVE: [Goes to open the envelope] And the winner is... LT.HIT-MAN: Me. [Takes the award and waves Big Steve away] BIG STEVE: [Watching Hit-Man smack Baron around a bit] Um, LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Review. Yeah. [Scratches head] Seeya. [Leaves] CHUCK: Okay, that's overwith. I think our next presenter is-- LT.HIT-MAN: Me. Our next award is the pinnacle of death, the very apex of blood and gore. It is the peak of darkness and the 'paramount' of evil. Next is The Mon Mothma "Many Bothans Died to Bring Us This Information" Award for Highest Body Count. First nominee is Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg. 'The beam came suddenly, crumpling the shield with ease this time. It cracked through the hard armored shell of the planet like an egg and drilled through the rock, seared through the mantle, and pierced the core. And then it exploded. Twenty-five thousand years this world had been the center of the galaxy. For a lot longer than that, it had been a home. Now it was an expanding void, nothing. The jewel had shattered, and the Borg raced away from the shattered façade. A half-hour later the fleet arrived, finding nothing left to save. The world was dead; the question was whether the Republic had died with it.' LT.HIT-MAN: Clash of the Titans, by Paul Cassidy. 'The death toll so far was unthinkable. Most of the destroyed planets had populations measured in billions. Luke's mind simply could not contemplate that level of destruction and loss of life.' LT.HIT-MAN: Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary. 'The two Executors leapt clear with micro-jumps.. Exiting Hyperspace again just in time to watch the Fireworks. The shields of the Uni-Complex had been raised, set to particle deflection, the Tractor beams set on full repulse, and they even opened fire at the asteroids, but they were impossible to stop, traveling at that speed, with that little time and distance. They hit the shields and didn't even come apart, and then they slammed into the Superstructure of the Uni-complex, barreling through it and shredding it to speeds. Moments later, the asteroids cracking and splitting, pieces of them shorn off, glowing in some places.. They slammed into the central assembly, and nanoseconds later each other, instantly shattering in an awesome collision that spread debris at relativistic velocities, immolating what remained of the Uni-Complex. In an instant, the remainder of the Borg Collective was seperated into 34 smaller collectives. Both of the remaining groups of Borg cubes had simply shut down, each consisting of around two hundred cubes, give or take a few, drifting. The shock of being at close range to the destruction of the Uni-Complex had wrought far worse damage on them then simply seperating into an individual collective.' LT.HIT-MAN: Galaxy of War, by Michael January. 'In the distance, a still glowing crystalline lake marked the position of the turbolaser strike. At the periphery of the glowing ground a few drones attempting to rise to their feet, many sporting ripped apart limbs, or half molten bodies. Around him, Stardrifter saw that many of the army groundpounders had also suffered major burns. The stormtroopers with their body armour had come off rather better, but many lay unmoving on the ground. He staggered forward, picked up a heavy repeating blaster rifle, and moved towards the Borg frontlines to mop up what he could.' LT.HIT-MAN: Conquest, by Michael Wong. 'The USS Carolina lurched and turned away from the doomed planet of Kerenos IV. As the Death Star’s blast pumped an ungodly amount of energy into Kerenos IV’s core, 200 billion lives were extinguished in one screaming instant of terror. The stupendous explosion hurled the mass of the planet outwards like shrapnel from a bomb.' LT.HIT-MAN: And the winner, the one who perpetrated the greatest amount of death, who fed the most souls to the Dark Side...[opens envelope with the Force] Chuck Sonnenburg, with Shadows of the Night and the destruction of Coruscant. [Levitates the GSDA into Chuck's wheelbarrow] CHUCK: Uh, thanks el tee. And now for a full five minutes of sex to wake all you folks up. [Five minutes of hardcore lesbian bondage porn.] [The lights come back up, the audience zips up, and Alex Moon walks to the podium.] ANNOUNCER: [Quick voice] Uh, and here is Alex Moon! [zipping sound comes over the mic] Shit. ALEX: Uh, thank you. Sometimes fanfics can have a certain slant to them, and at other times be horribly biased. An example of the latter is one of the massive turds written by Paul Jacques - who seems to have disappeared - known as Second Contact. However, tonight I am happy to present The C-3PO "Let the Wookiee Win" Award for Most Fair and Unbiased Fanfic! Since this is a subjective category, there are no clips. Sorry. The nominees are: Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd; Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg; Conquest by Michael Wong; Galaxy of War by Michael January; and Imperial Phoenix by Mark Sheppard. And the winner is...[opens envelope normally for once] Conquest by Michael Wong! [The audience is stunned. Mike Wong walks to the podium and accepts the award. Swearing in French is heard somewhere from inside the briefcase Mike is now carrying.] MIKE: Thank you. To be honest, I totally didn't expect this award. But I am happy that it's sufficiently unnerved my little toy frog. [He opens the briefcase, and a frog with a top hat and a staff jumps out, harassing Mike with French oaths, swears, and very naughty words.] Michigan J. Frog. [Smacks Paul the Frog] Shut up, Paul. Back in the box. [Drops Paul into his briefcase, then drops his GSDA on top of him] Again, thank you and good night! CHUCK: Thanks, Mike. Heh, I guess Paul really is a frog, huh? ROB: You got that right. Anyway, since this is getting on to be a bit long, let's present our next category. Chuck? CHUCK: Thanks, Rob. Our next category deals with the funny and the freaky. Tonight I present The Han Solo "I Know That Laugh" Award for Most Humorous Fanfic. Again, there is far too many examples in these stories to present an accurate and fitting example, so here's the nominees. First is Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe; next, Fist of the Blazing...oh fuck it. Doomriser's fic; An ASVS Christmas Carol by me, The Voyage of the Filthy Whore by Mark Sheppard, and ASVS History, which is mainly by Kynes Highwind. [Tears open envelope] Now, before I present the award, I want to remind all of you that the winner is a very, very ill man. And he is Scottish. ROB: That explains it. CHUCK: You probably already guessed by now. Our winner is-- [Baron runs out screaming, grabs the award, puts it 'away' with the other two, and hurriedly waddles off into the audience. LT.Hit-Man is in hot pursuit.] ROB: Christ! He must be that guy on that website-- CHUCK: Shut up, Rob. Just shut up. ROB: I guess you're right. Anyway, let's get on with our next award. Our presenter this time is Jonathan Boyd. Jonathan? [Jonathan walks up to the podium and meekly adjusts the podium mic. A stagehand comes out with a few appleboxes. Jonathan has a slight green tinge.] JONATHAN: Who wants to see me bagpipes? [Covers mouth] Oopsie. Anyway, a good fanfic is one that presents a fresh, new face. Something original, preferably. The character must have their own personality, their own foibles, their own loves, hates and desires. I am proud to present The 7 of 9 "You Think in Such Small Terms" Award for Most Original Character! Our first nominee is Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg. 'Col. Taar walked into Grand Admiral Thrawn's office on board the star destroyer Vendetta. It was one of the aforementioned Executor- class vessels, becoming the command ship for the admiral in his war against the Borg. Over four hundred ships make up his fleet, driving back the cyborgs time after time, and still unable to complete the Emperor's order: Exterminate the Borg. The fact that the order came from the Emperor mattered little to Taar, as he was perfectly willing to crush the Borg, even if it was the work of a lifetime. He hated them with a passion so strong few could truly understand. They were the nemesis, the enemy that had refused compassion, refused reason. They destroyed you or they consumed you, and for those who faced them there was really no difference; they violated your body and usurped your mind. They were a cancer on the universe, and Taar felt no mercy on this race, this disease. He hoped that he would be there when the end came, when the last Borg was destroyed, and it was his secret fantasy to grab the tubes from it's quivering body and yank them free with his own hands, to be the man to make the Borg extinct.' JONATHAN: Rasputin, by Michael O'Shea! 'Flight Officer 3rd Class Orren jumped out of his gunboat, leaving the service personnel and droids to their work. He cared nothing for post-battle work, only seeing his kill score. He grabbed an astromech droid by the head as it went past to his fighter. "You! Bring me the black hull paint, I've got deaths to mark!" The droid wizzed off to comply. Looking at his watch Orren saw he was twenty-five minutes away from his appointment with Dr. Alexander. Just enough time to paint he thought as he took a brush and can from the returning astrodroid and turned to his beloved gunboat.' JONATHAN: Osiris, by Michael O'Shea! 'Albrach stood up and regarded the base control room. Once this last world of his was gone, he would have nothing left. Nothing to fight with, nothing to fight for. He shook his greyed head and turned to his aide. "Signal the evacuation. We have no choice but to flee and attempt to regroup elsewhere." It was a testiment to his men that they had all stayed loyal to their oaths, rather than deserting in these harsh times. The other two occupants of the command center sent the evacuation signal and hurridly left for whatever ships they could find still capable of escape. Albrach did not move. "Admiral sir, we have to leave. There are only minutes before they break through!" it was his aide, voice breaking and nervous. Albrach was impassive. "I will not desert my post. Leave if you will but I stay here!" "But sir-" He was cut off. "LEAVE! Quickly if you value your life! Inform Commander Gardat that I have transferred control of all my forces to his command. Go! Quickly!" he shouted.' JONATHAN: Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard! 'In the nineteen long years since the debacle at Endor, the young lieutenant had risen up through the ranks. Now he held the title of Admiral. But it was all worthless now. During the heyday of Imperial power, an Admiral would have commanded a fleet of Star Destroyers. Now, all he had was an old battered ISD with only ten light turbolasers out of 60 operational; a fleet of three Corellian Corvettes, and five Lambda-class shuttles which had been extensively refitted to replace the _Revenger's_ complement of 74 TIEs. They currently had only four TIEs in any shape to fly and just one TIE Interceptor ready. Staring at the stars, the Admiral as he had many times before, considered giving it up and surrendering to the rebels. But as he had done many times before, he rejected it. Twenty- three years earlier, he had taken an oath to uphold Palpatine's New Order. He'd uphold that oath to his dying breath.' JONATHAN: And Conquest, by Michael Wong! 'Admiral Kanos peered into the twisted vortex of hyperspace flashing by his observation window with an air of quiet reflection. It had been many years since the Great War. Many years since Emperor Anakin Solo had finally driven the New Republic from the core worlds. Already, the Emperor had rectified most of the New Republic’s tampering with historical records, to reveal the truth about that dark period in galactic history. It still brought a smile to his face, to think of how easy it had been for his master. How the aging Skywalker refused to believe that his beloved nephew had turned against him and his New Republic. It was still incomprehensible, how Skywalker could have been so foolhardy as to follow Solo to Korriban in his attempts to "save" the Emperor.' JONATHAN: And the winner is...[He tries to open the envelope, but utterly fails as he is too weak. Instead, he uses some of his leprechaun magic and coaxes it open.] Rasputin, by Michael O'Shea! [Thunderous applause. O'Shea takes the stage among cheers and whistles.] MIKEO: Thank you for this award tonight. I didn't think any of you were reading Rasputin, nor appreciating it if you did. This means so much to me. Thank you so much again for choosing me. I'll start writing more soon, I promise. [Smiles] Thanks again, folks. Good night. [Cheering] ROB: Good job, Mike. Now, next up is McGravin! [McGravin stomps up to the stage wearing a full body suit of armor. As he approaches he takes off his helmet and places it on the podium. He removes the envelope from an outer pocket.] MCGRAVIN: Perhaps the very most important part of a fanfic is it's originality. Since this is a very subjective concept, one can not cite specific examples. So, I will do my best to give you a summary! Here I present The Reginald Barclay "Strict Dress Code" Award for Most Original Story! First up is ISD Eliminator, by Michael January. In this story, a lone Imperial Star Destroyer is thrown into the Milky Way Galaxy, where it is forced to resort to a mercenary lifestyle in order to survive and build a new civilization. Next, Imperial Phoenix, by Mark Sheppard, the very first story to use mainly denizens as characters. Third, The Cleaners vs AOL by Rob Dalton. Here, a group of stormtroopers under the command of Mark Sheppard get stranded on 20th century Earth. Since they're there, they decide to make the best of it and take the heads off the evil corporations enslaving the populace. Next, in The Long Patrol, Marina O'Leary presents life on a space submarine, in a sense. It showcases the trials and tribulations of a lone Strike Cruiser, cloaked and armed in such a manner that it basically Crimson Tide in Space. Balance of the Force by Chuck Sonnenburg asks 'What if?' as we follow the story of Anakin Skywalker, apprentice to Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn as they tangle with conspirators from another time and galaxy. And lastly, Shadows of the Night by Chuck Sonnenburg details the rise and fall of the Borg and Thrawn's Empire and the vast changes in the lives of Seven of Nine and Luke Skywalker. And the winner for this award is...ISD Eliminator, by Michael January! [MikeJ appears normal now, walking out confidently from back stage. He takes the award and the podium.] MIKEJ: Thanks again, folks. I know you all love me by now, so I'll make this short. [Tears off his shirt] I AM THE GOD OF FANFIC! [Runs as he is chased by both LT.Hit-Man and Big Steve] HAHAHAH! CHUCK: OK, enough of that. C'mon, we're running out of time. Chris, get the hell out here. [Chris runs out, ducking a cutting laser fired by Kyle Knopf. He is missing an arm.] CHRIS: Please forgive my appearance. Ow, Shite. Um, anyway, in most fanfics, one must make a sacrafice to further the story. Tonight I present the award for the best of these sacrafices, or the most spectacular of these deaths, for indeed this is The Boba Fett "No Disintegrations" Award for Most Spectacular Death! Our first nominee is LT.Hit-Man's Fanfic Review. '"I have a present for you, special delivery NO C.O.D., courtesy of The Galactic Empire!" was the message that came back to the crew of the Freedom and they watched in horror was a pair of concussion missiles streaked towards them. They had time for a brief scream as the missiles slammed into the main module and blasted it into twisted scrap metal. LT.Hit-Man started to laugh as he watched the stricken space station start falling towards the Earth. He watched for a few more minutes, then he slowly made his way into deep space.' CHRIS: Domination, by Baron Kenneth von Lowe! 'A few hours later, on the bridge, they watched in stunned silence as wave after wave of Jones exploded, instantly regenerating and detonating again. This area of space would forever more be the place of Jones death as it happened over and over and over again, the destruct mechanisms stuck in a continuous loop. As soon as they detected that the host was alive, they would detonate. Billions of Jones' exploding over and over and over and over. Never to cease. Boyd smiled and turned to Heckler. "There, you see, we can solve things nicely."' CHRIS: Conquest, by Michael Wong! 'Aboard the swarms of Federation and Imperial ships battling for supremacy around the Death Star, they all picked up the approaching threat. Hundreds of starship captains screamed orders for their helmsmen to get away from the path of the incinerating beam. They had mere seconds to act, and for many of them, it wasn't enough. Hundreds of starships and fighters were caught in the path of the beam and disappeared as if they had never been. It plunged through the breach in the shield, through the warring ships, and into the surface with a cataclysmic impact. Millions of Death Star crewmen died instantly as the beam carved out an enormous hole, blasting its way hundreds of kilometres deep into the Death Star's innards. A vast plume of vapourized metal and white- hot debris shot away from the impact crater, obliterating everything in its path. The widespread destruction caused systems to overload and fail all over the entire battle station, and in an instant, the crew of the Death Star went from a calmly conducted textbook defense to a desperate struggle for survival. It was all they could do to control the station's massive machinery and keep it from self-destructing.' CHRIS: Blaze of Glory, by Rob Dalton! "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord..." Officers gaped, astounded, then slowly recovered. Three more joined the Captain in his spontaneity. "He is trampling out the vintage where grapes of wrath are stored..." Several shots smashed into the _Glory_ as she inexorably came forth. Hulls were breached, plasma leaking from several places. They went on, still others rising and saluting. The helm officer hit the ship intercom... "He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword..." Another hit, another flurry of explosions. The _Glory_ continued on. The sweet sounds of the old war song echoed through the ship as the tactical officer called it onto the intercom... "His truth is marching on!" They were almost in position. "Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! His truth is marching on!" With that, the helmsman hit the button, and they went to warp. A line of fire sliced through the _Onslaught_, and both were consumed in a spectacular fireball of exploded matter and loosed energy. The Imperial threat was no more. Captain Sonnenburg had made the ultimate sacrifice.' CHRIS: And Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd! '"All craft, take evasiv-" Ackbar's voice was cut off as the remaining corvettes from Gauntlet group smashed into the Mon Calamari Cruiser. The first surged into her starboard bow, overloading the shields, destroying weapon emplacements and knocking the mighty craft adrift. The second, attempting to climb out of the way, managed to lift its bridge clear but the relatively large engine section slammed into the top of the cruiser. The sock of the impact shorted out every system on the corvette and killed th engineering crew. Within seconds , the main fuel tanks and engines were ablaze and a huge explosion followed moments later. The fire wall was big enough to hide an ISD in and blew a hole the size of a Carrick class cruiser in the top of the Mon Cal. The bridge was vaporised and with it Admiral Ackbar.' CHRIS: And the winner is...[He goes to open the envelope, but ducks as a laser beam shoots out and slices it open for him, barely missing his arm.] Rob Dalton! [He ducks, and his arm suddenly falls off. He rolls off stage and runs, pursued by Kyle.] ROB: Uh, thanks a lot, folks! This really means a lot to me, being that it was my first fanfic and all. So, as an award, I'll cut this short and end the awards now! Presenting for The Emperor Palpatine's Highest Honor for Overall Best Fanfic is, well, me! Our nominees are: Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg; Conquest, by Michael Wong; Imperial Phoenix by Mark Sheppard; Osiris, by Michael O'Shea; and Galaxy of War, by Michael January! And the winner is...[Rob begins to open the envelope. Behind him walks out LT.Hit-Man, dragging the Baron and Michael January behind him, as well as Marina O'Leary, who was clutching one of Nathan's guns. Next, Kyle drags out an amputated Chris, and Mike Wong with Paul the Frog.] Our winner is...you guessed it! SHADOWS OF THE NIGHT BY CHUCK SONNENBURG! [Takes award and hands it to Chuck] CHUCK: [begins to cry] *Snif* Thank you, thank you! Thank you all so much for this honor-- VOICE: YOU SUKC ARSE!!! CHUCK: Who is that? VOICE: ME, WEUOIN THE FUKING MARON!!! CHUCK: Oh. [Takes out a sniper rifle and shoots Weyoun through the head] Bye, Weyoun. [Suddenly, Sean Collins leaps up onto the stage and scrawls 'firebrunt' and 'Chuck Sucks' on the wall.] CHUCK: Fucking A. [Takes out axe] ROB: Uh, that's all the time we have! Thank you and goodnight! [Fade to black as Chuck swings] [End Credits. Among them is the following placard.] THE GOLDEN STARDESTROYER CONCEPT WAS VISUALIZED BY MAJOR TIERCE, A.K.A. ROBBIE RHOADES. SPECIAL THANKS GO OUT TO HIM, AS WELL AS GRAND ADMIRAL REID, WHOSE DEVOTION TO THE AWARDS HELPED KEEP THEM IN THE COLLECTIVE MEMORY OF ALT.STARTREK.VS.STARWARS. WITHOUT THESE TWO, THE GOLDEN STARDESTROYER FANFIC AWARDS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED. THANK YOU FROM ALL OF US AT THE NEWSGROUP! THE END