Subject: [HUMOR] The entire 2000 election Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 20:01:36 -0600 From: "Chuck" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars First, a plug for the latest part of my website, dedicated to the dumbest among us, Here's Your Sign: http://www.sfdebris.com/heresyoursign.html Now the story of the election. It looks like the election ain't over yet, as various groups leap into the spotlight to add fuel to the fire. You know, this reminds me of those big crossovers Marvel Comics used to do when I was in high school, where Spider-man and the Hulk and Captain America and the X-Men and everyone else all show up in the same story. I mean, this is like a collection of flashbacks, it's closing out the century by remembering all this stuff. I mean, this is like some bizarre story I would be making up. The contest: the son of the man defeated by the current president faces his vice president in a tight election. It's down to the wire, and finally, after failing to call things correct twice due to closeness, they prematurely or incorrectly (depending on the outcome) give the victory to Bush. But the election is so close that it comes down to one state that's too close to call. And oh yeah, it's in his brother's state. We immediately go in and begin recounting. Accusations emerge of uncounted ballot boxes which turn out to be untrue, tallies showing the race tightening, accusations of misleading ballots, and the threat of lawsuits. Time to converge on Florida with those classic characters. On one side stands James Baker, on the other Warren Christopher; both former Secretaries of State. Also, Rev. Jesse Jackson, political firebrand and perennial presidential candidate, rushes in with accusations of pre-Civil Rights Era police tactics stopping voters. Then we have the cameos. Bill Clinton makes occassional appearances as his wife prepares to move into the New York Senate. Former president George Bush briefly speaks in support of his son, while former president Jimmy Carter steps in to call for a re-vote. Janet Reno lurks in the background like Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. Bob Dole emerges from his coffin and implies that a lengthy legal process will not be limited to Florida if the Democrats try to push the issue. Well, where exactly do you go from here? Well, I for one see no need to depart from the current theme, so let's continue in this direction and see what happens. As ballot counting continues to eek slowly on in Oregon, the creators of Survivor offer to come in and assist with the tabulation and boot the loser out of the country. In New Mexico, X-Files stars David Duchuvony and Gillian Anderson are called in to help search for the missing 256 ballots in that state in a race that's too close to call. As legal proceedings continue, Johnny Cochrane comes in to assist the Gore case in Florida. Episode II production is put on hold as Lucas dedicates the full forces of ILM into recreating the election digitally to present as evidence to the judge. Saddam Hussein secretly moves into Alaska and starts pumping out all the oil. Jerry Seinfeld aids re-count efforts across the nation in a philanthropic donations of tons of Snapple. Ronald Reagan emerges from some dark corner and asks when they will tear down the wall between East and West Virginia. The Unabomber escapes and succeeds in destroying a highly contested polling place.... using a U-Haul and a truck full of manure no less. Ross Perot says that he has a plan that would ensure that such technicalities would never happen, and begins campaigning for 2004. To oppose the power of Cochrane, the GOP sends in Ken Starr. Disgruntled postal works burn all the absentee ballots. During the distractions, Pat Buchanan and his supporters migrate to Montana and secede from the Union. Gen. Powel and Gen. Schwarzkopf move in to stop them. Buchanan in his bunker is assasinated by governor and former Navy Seal Jesse "the body" Ventura. Ralph Nader declares that the ballot systems are not consumer friendly, and that the US government is in fact in violation of its own anti- trust laws. Then the final rounds begin. It is revealed that in Palm Beach the votes were sabotaged by the serial killer Andrew Cunanan who had been presumed dead of a suicide there three years ago. This causes Janet Reno to move into action, and the FBI and ATF are mobilized, flooding the city of Palm Beach with black-clad men armed with M-16s to try and locate the master of disguise. While this goes on the judge rules in favor of Gore because of Cochranes' excellent closing argument. "Now, since Chewbacca is a Wookiee, you must have a re- vote...." But while this happens problems break out and the federal agencies, through small arms fire and a few poorly placed magnesium flares, accidentally kill the three thousand people who claimed they voted wrong the first time as they all run the wrong way up a One Way street. Confusion emerges as Johnny Cochrane points out that if a dead man can be elected Senator, it's reasonable to assume that dead citizens can vote for president. The Psychic Friends Network is called in to commune with the spirits of the dead to determine their votes, but they are killed by one of supervillain Cunanan's sheep clones. The dead are excluded and the recount leaves Florida an exact tie, and the nation stands confused. And then Bill Gates announces that the Constitution has fallen victim to the Y2K bug and recommends the upgrade to Constitution 2.0, which says that whoever has the most money wins, and then becomes president by default. He then flies to Washington, D.C. but dies in a plane crash on December 31st when all the computers in the world collapse because they were all smart enough to know that the millennium doesn't start until 2001. The United States is then divided up among the victors: George W. Bush gets the southwest Al Gore gets the northeast California falls into the ocean as predicted Starbucks completes its takeover of the pacific northwest, now that Gates is out of the way Michael Jordon is declared king of Chicago Milosovich moves in and takes over the remains of Buchanan's shattered Montana The Spice Girls attempt a coup in Michigan, and are promptly dragged into the street and stoned. Michigan is turned over to Canada Ollie North and Newt Gingrich secure control of the tobacco belt The mafia expands from Las Vegas to control the mountain states. Jesse Ventura is given Minnesota and the plains states The dead senator in Missouri eats the brains of everyone in his state Matt Groening receives the midwest And supervillain Andrew Cunanan succeeds in taking control of the deep south Watch the headlines, you'll be amazed at my accuracy. -- Chuck http://www.sfdebris.com