Subject: Discovery Channel Conspiracy Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 02:51:11 GMT From: "Chuck, Modulating Moderator" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars This is Celebrity Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, the continuation of the annual August event celebrating the ancient beasts by showing footage of them chomping into goat carcasses. I'm not an avid follower, but I have seen the shows off and on over the many years it's been on and noticed the following trends: 1) Shark Week has become more and more pro-shark as the years go on. It is now to the point that they only show shark victims who blame themselves for being attacked. "If I hadn't been trying to look so tasty the shark would have never bitten my leg off." They even go so far as to tell you you've got it coming if you get attacked simply by being in the water with the ocean's apex predator. All of this is painting the picture of the shark as a docile, maligned figure who only attacks goat carcasses and people who poke them in the groin with a cattle prod. 2) Shark Week has become less and less popular over the years, losing Steve Irwin for Nigel What's-His-Name, the guy who looks like a human muppet and is always happy about something because he's near sharks and he's British. "I can't TELL you how exciting it is to BE near these BEAU-tiful animals. Makes me happy just knowing I'm British." So now with celebrity shark week we have minor, minor celebrities being tossed into the water with sharks to show how peaceful these animals are. These celebrities include Volleyball atheletes and supporting characters on original cable programs. Their star power is next to zero. So why bother? Ah, that is part of the conspiracy. You see, Discover is downplaying the dangers of sharks to get people to let their guard down towards the animals. Positive images for sharks will get more and more people to stop seeing them as being dangerous. Then Discovery will take a boatload of people like Roseanne, John Travolta, Carrot Top, etcetera, out into the ocean and dropped them into blood-filled water, reminding us all of how safe it is. Then the underwater cameras film the lot of them being eaten alive. Talk about a ratings boom! And I'm sure these people sign a waiver protecting Discovery Channel from any legal proceedings, so boo-yah! Instant reality TV! Admit it, it's much more fun to picture Mariah Carey being eaten by a Mako than watching her eat walking sticks. Even as her shrieks are heard Nigel will bubble over with "Sharks ARE the apex predator in the SEA," his grin never fading for a moment as shredded bits of pop star float to the surface. "Take that YOU wanker!" So, watch for the next couple summers as Discovery shows us footage of sharks rescuing lost surfers and disposing of toxic waste properly. You'll know where this is heading. -- Chuck "Try to explain to people that writing is something you do because it's impossible not to, and you get blank stares." - Peter David