From: "Chuck" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [OT][HUMOR] The Science of Irony Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:05:24 -0500 Quantum physics has demonstrated for years that probability is influential on the behaviour of things that are extremely small, even smaller than an atom or the print on a car loan. So far the actual application of that knowledge has been limited to giving researchers the money to build large machines whose sole purpose is to bash things together, and while the pursuit of smashing technology is laudable, its lack of application to the real everyday world where one has to settle for a hammer or a derailed train for smashing has left quantum physics in the dust. However, a new science has developed from the dust cloud of the old, built on the principle of probability yet applicable to the macro world. I am referring to the discovery of the most powerful force in the universe: irony. Of course, irony is not new to us. The first recorded example of irony dates back to the times of the pharaohs, who decided that the best way to prevent grave robbers from finding their tombs was to put them in large, conspicuously pointed buildings that can be seen from low Earth orbit. Irony became the driving force behind the science of alchemy, which was based on the principle that one could concoct an elixir for immortality out of lead and mercury. But after the fall of the most expansive European empire of all time to a collection of fur-covered roughians, irony was lost along with the rest of scientific advancement. It wasn't until centuries later, after Crusaders were burning a Christian city in the Holy Land to the ground, that European scholars rediscovered irony and set to work harnessing its potential power. Irony's intense military potency was best felt when the Russian army utilized it in its defeats of Napoleon and Nazi Germany when the nation was invaded during the winter. According to experts in the Irony Sciences, an event generates what is known as an Ironic Field. Within the field, probability is changed in such a way that events follow a path of least resistance to produce the most ironic result. The more ironic the potential event, the more intense the Ironic Field becomes. The measurement of the probability pressure caused by an Ironic Field is measured in the Murphy, named after the noted Irony pioneer and formulator of Murphy's Law (as well as the useful Murphy's Oil cleaning product). In fact, scientific researchers admit that Murphy would have no doubt made their breakthrough decades ago had he not, while generating an extremely powerful Ironic Field in his lab, slipped in a puddle of his famous oil and perished. Naturally, the theory is not without its critics. A second school of thought states that irony is not a cause of events but rather is generated by the occurrence of those events. The group has spent the past several years cataloguing the results of massive irony releases. The Battle of New Orleans, for example, the final battle of the War of 1812 actually fought after the war had ended, would be a 5.2 on the Ironic Scale. Lou Gherig contracting Lou Gherig's disease would be a 2.4. The scientists hope that, through their examination, they could find a way to generate a virtually limitless amount of Ironic energy to replace fossil fuels in our society. "If we could somehow tap into the ironic energy released when a pile of carefully labelled CDs is knocked over or the bottom falls out of a grocery bag, we could eventually move up to a large scale, pollution-free energy source," stated Dr. Ira C. Nee of the University of Southern California, "although the cost of janitorial service may be a contributing factor." In fact, some speculate that the irony created by burning the village to save it could actually produce enough energy to power a modern city, although the fact that the city would have been destroyed in the production could produce more ironic energy than could be properly contained. Critics, however, are worried about the potential consequences of unchecked irony. "I fear what could happen if we probe too deeply into the subject of irony," warned Prof. Gnay Sayer of Columbia University. "More than any other is the potential of our discovery blowing up in our faces." Fear that the potential exploitation in modern military applications is also prevalent. "I hope everyone recognizes how extraordinarily foolish it would be to place a collection of irony-based weapons all in one place." Irony Scientists, however, dismiss such criticisms. "We believe that irony has the potential to solve our current energy crisis," Dr. Nee states, "and we will have it soon. We would have it already but, unfortunately, every time we reach a breakthrough our computer crashes." Chuck