Subject: [HUMOR] Silicates vs. the Federation Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 19:38:12 -0500 From: "Chuck" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Always preferring to use humor to speak for me, I now present a short play on why trying to use a little knowledge to design new weapons and tactics is dangerous. Silicates vs. the Federation [Enter the Silicates. They are obviously a rock-based lifeform that dwells on a distant world that will soon battle the Federation] Silicate 1: What ho!(1) Tell me good chief high technician guard; have you studied our adversaries, the Federation? Silicate 2: Ho yes, most noble and high bred of the king's chief guards!(2) I have studied the ones called "human" most ardently. Silicate 1: And have you found weapons to deal with our most deadly adversary? Silicate 2: Why yes! In my studies I have learned that humans are not, as previously told, carbon-based. They are in fact, mostly water. Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! Their skin is waterproof, which I believe is intended to ensure that they don't leak out. Observe. [into specialized-instant-message-sending-and-receiving-device(3)] Send in a prisoner. [a human male walks in] The humans are dependent on their water, so I have designed this, a specially treated sponge. [throws sponge at prisoner who screams and dessicates right before them like a giant prune] Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! But there is more. I have learned that humans control their bodies through electrical signals. As you are no doubt aware, electricity and water is a dangerous combination. Silicate 1: Why yes it is! Silicate 2: [another prisoner walks in] This device causes them to short out and die. [throws a charge at the prisoner; it explodes and the person screams as blue lightning courses through her body until she's dead] Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! Also, [another prisoner enters] I have discovered that they are composed not of a single material, but a collection of tiny structures all working together called cells.[stops. Waits patiently] Silicate 1: [after a short pause] Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! I have designed this new chemical which stops the cells from connecting to each other. [sprays the man with a perfume bottle; he crumbles to goo and powder] Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! [another prisoner enters] Also, I have learned that humans have a large deposit of a powerful acid in their abdomen. And thus, this device here was designed: a harpoon which penetrates the cavity and injects a powerful base into the mix to cause a chemical reaction. [fires small dart into the man stomach; seconds later, he explodes] Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! [another prisoner enters] I have learned that humans have iron in their blood, which they depend upon for life. Silicate: 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! Thus, I have created a powerful magnet. [points magnet at woman who screams, turns blue, and falls over dead]. Silicate 1: Astonishing! Silicate 2: Why yes! (4) Silicate 1: I cannot see how this Federation can possibly hope to stop us! Silicate 2: Why yes! Silicate 1: Ha ha ha ha ha. Silicate 2: Ha ha ha ha ha. (1): Silicates speak in an arcane language (2): It gets real fucking annoying after a while. (3): They are extremely unimaginative when it comes to names. You see now why they are called Silicate 1 and Silicate 2. (4): They are also unimaginative when it comes to conversations too. -- Chuck http://www.sfdebris.com