Subject: [HUMOR] Merry Christmas Date: Mon, 25 Dec 2000 21:34:47 -0800 From: "Crayz9000" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars The denizens of ASVS listened as they could hear the whirr of repulsorlifts. Slowly, the wind whipped up, and then three invisible pads were embedded in the grass. A hatch opened, quite literally out of nowhere, and a fat man in a suit stepped out. "Die, you crab- whoops, I mean, Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas! Sorry I'm a bit late, but I got stuck in an ion storm near the North Nebula." Most of the denizens simply stared back. Kynes rather impetuously walked forward, and looked the fat man in the face. "I thought that was MY role around here!" The fat man just laughed. "No, you're Santa Kynes. I'm Santa Clauus. But anyway, I've brought the scheduled stuff for everyone." He reached into his bag, and pulled out a simple remote controller. "Now Kynes, I believe that this is for you." Clauus pressed a button, and a 10 ton lump of coal was teleported in above Kynes' head, then landed on him. "Whoops, I'll have to talk to the elves about that one. Well, anyway, next person... hmm, looks like Jonathan Boyd." He pressed another button as Boyd cautiously stepped up, and a large Bible was teleported in, accidentally merging with Boyd's head. "LEGOLAS! Well... not like it matters much. Actually, Boyd, you look nice that way." Boyd tried to reply, but all that came out was "Genesis 5:1: Thou shalt not merge bibles with thine enemy's head." "Oh well. Next... Chris O'Farrell!" Chris didn't step up, instead choosing to remain with the crowd. "Now, Chris, I think you'll appreciate these." He pressed another button, and several droids wheeled up, detaching Chris's arms, and placing on a new pair. "Well, Chris, here you go. Clap On Arms!" Clauus clapped twice, and Chris's arms fell off. He clapped again, and Chris's arms re-attached themselves. "Next... Raven Ford!" The sixteen-year-old meekly stepped up, and pointed to Clauus' missing arm. "What happened to your arm?" "Oh, sleigh accident. I was harnessing Rudolph, and he saw a rose bush. You know how deer love roses. Anyways, as I was saying, I was harnessing Rudolph when he decides to bolt. Tore my arm clean off, he did. Anyway, back to the presents." She was startled to see nothing happen. Instead, a heavy black package was beamed into her arms. She eagerly tore off the paper, revealing a full BSDM kit. "Um... I don't think you were exactly supposed to have that, but... well, too late. Anyway, next person: Atomik Chicken, A.K.A Ryan Spickard!" The person stepped up, morphing into Atomik Chicken en route. "Well, Atomik Chicken! I've got something you could use!" He pressed yet another button, and several tons of (sealed) radioactive waste were beamed in. Atomik picked up the pallets with his beak, and walked off. "Hmm... Mark Sheppard!" Sheppard calmly walked forwards, machine gun slung across his shoulder. "Well, here's something which you should like. It's a Xerrol Nightstinger." A large, black package was beamed down, and Sheppard pulled the lid off. "What's this other thing?" "Oh, forgot about that. Shoulder-mounted proton torpedo launcher." "Next.. LT. Hit-Man!" Hit-Man stepped up, placing his laser sight between Clauus' eyes. The red-suited man didn't blink. "Would you mind turning that thing off? Unless you want what happened to Kynes..." Clauus gestured towards the coal lump, where screams could be heard. "GET THIS OFF!" "Nevermind him. Anyway, here's your gizmo." He pressed another button, and a definitely biological thing appeared in front of the LT. "They're snarks. Kind of like a cross between a tick, an eagle, and a grenade. Attack anything in sight, but you can manipulate them with the Force." "CLAUUS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" A blackened Kynes came charging, apparently having freed himself. The fat man started running, but was obviously slowed down by his 'baggage'. Kynes grabbed at Clauus' pants, and yanked hard. The pants came off, and so did about five hundred feathers, revealing the legs of an HEV suit. Kynes tripped, and managed to fall in the mess of feathers. By the time he got up again, the pseudo-Santa had torn off his shirt, revealing who it actually was: Crayz9000. With a deafening roar, the cloaked ship took off, and the cloaking device shut off, revealing the ship as the SCEF Futility. LT. Hit-Man looked up at the departing ship, then at Kynes, down to the snarks, and then back at Kynes. Slowly, a devilish grin spread across his face, and he picked up a snark and chucked it in Kynes' direction. Sure enough, he was able to use the Force to control it. "AAH! GET IT AWAY!" -- Crayz9000