Posted by Queeb Salaron on SD.Net
http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic.php?p=437502#437502

Encounter with a Fundie
So I visited the girlfriend today. She's a good little Catholic girl and
goes to a good Catholic school. Naturally, being in the presence of so many
religious-minded people grates a bit on the nerves, but I endure it about
once a week to go visit her, anyway. Yes, the sex is that good. But I
digress.

So I was walking from her dorm with a great big shit-eating grin on my face
that always follows a good blowjob, when I come upon a man in his late
forties or early fifties wearing a sandwich board and handing out fliers. I
thought to myself for a minute, trying to decide what this man might be
peddling. Let's see... older, emaciated man, salt-and-pepper hair, sandwich
board, pink-and-yellow pamphlets, Catholic school... hmm... Putting two and
two together had never been easier. I started drooling in anticipation of
the severe lashing that I was going to give this poor bastard.

"Hello, brother! Have YOU found JESUS?" he asked. He was perfectly polite
about it, regardless of how intrusive his question was.

"Hello to you, too, brother! Isn't it a fine day?"
"Why yes, my friend. A glorious day in the graces of God our Savior!"
"Indeed it is."
"Did you know that Jesus Christ Almighty died for you, so that you might
enjoy this wonderful day today?"
"Did he now?"
"Yes, he did. He died for your sins!"
"MY sins? Well isn't that something!"
"Yes, brother. It most certainly IS something!"
"How did he know I was going to sin?"
"Come again?"
"Why did Jesus just assume that I was going to sin?"
"Everybody sins, brother. We were born in sin."
"Is crying a sin?"
"Well... no."
"Because that's the first thing I did when I was a baby. I cried. That must
have been my sin, right? If I were born in sin?"
"The bible tells us..."
"Oh, brother, I know what the bible tells us. It tells us that we still
suffer from the sins of Adam and Eve, and that we must be baptized to
cleanse that sin away."
"You are familiar with the Word of God, then?"
"I would say so, yes."
"An admirable man."
"Thank you, brother. But I have a question."
"Of course."
"How do we repent for the sins of all the other Christians?"
"How is that?"
"The Crusades, for instance. Genocide and Ethnic Cleansing in the name of
God. Is that not worse than eating an apple?"
"Well, eating the apple was against God's will. The Crusades were done FOR
God."
"Ah, I see. So we should blindly follow what God tells us, heedless of the
morality behind it?"
"God's choices are always morally right."
"Always?"
"Yes."
"Even in the case of the Crusades?"
"Yes, brother."
"Does the bible not tell us that any man who takes another man's life shall
be put to death himself?"
"Well..."
"And does it not condemn all murderers to the deepest depths of the Lake of
Fire?"
"Well, yes..."
"Then there are a whole lot of fine Christians who acted out the will of
God, but nonetheless are burning for all eternity?"
"I suppose, but..."
"Then why do we not pray to absolve ourselves of the sins of all of those
who have offended humanity in the name of God?"
"Well, we are baptized, and then make communion, and then are confirmed.
Each of those three events were designed to wash our sins away."
"Ah. So the Crusades is lumped in there somewhere?"
"You could say that, yes."
"And child molestation?"
"You mean by the priests?"
"Of course."
"That was not done in the name of God, brother. Those men were corrupt."
"As were the men that made it mandatory for ordinary citizens to pay a tenth
of their income to the Church."
"That was called a tithe."
"I am well aware of that."
"That was not considered illegal."
"But it was condemned by Vatican II. They said that it should never have
existed in the first place."
"All of these offenses that you have listed, the Crusades and the tithes,
they are both buried deep in the past. Why do you dwell on them so?"
"Perhaps for the same reasons that Christians dwell on the sins of Adam and
Eve."
"The sins of Adam and Eve affected all of mankind."
"And the slaughter of a million Muslims did not?"
"Not so much, no."
"So if a sect of Christianity decided to up and kill the rest of the
Christians for being heretics, and claimed to do so in the name of God, they
would be justified?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because God does not tell people to kill others. The Ten Commandments..."
"The Ten Commandments failed to stop the Crusades."
"That was different."
"How?"
"The Muslims defile the name of God. They would not convert, and could not
be saved."
"So the Christians killed them to prove that Muslims were wrong?"
"War was waged to force the Will of God upon a race so that they could be
saved."
"But as for the millions that died, they were all sent to Hell for being
heretics."
"I suppose, yes."
"And the Crusaders knew this?"
"One should think so. That's why they were fighting."
"So they intentionally sent the heretics to Hell."
"Yes."
"Isn't that a bit sadistic?"
"Come again?"
"Sending people to Hell on purpose. Isn't that a bit sadistic?"
"It was righteous."
"Because Muslims were clogging up the world with their heretic beliefs?"
"As they do even today."
"So Muslims should be erradicated?"
"Yes. Or converted. Preferably converted."
"Because they don't believe in God."
"Yes."
"And because their religion is in violation of some unspoken code of
humanity."
"Exactly."
"That's very Satanistic."
"How so?"
"Anton Szandor Lavey wrote that Satanism was founded on the principle that
if a man offends you, you should ask him to stop. If he does not stop, you
should destroy him. That principle among others."
"Lavey was an evil person."
"The Christians have done more evil deeds than Satanists."
"Satanists sacrifice children."
"Oh do they? Funny, I am a former Satanist, and I don't recall ever killing
a child. Or anything else, for that matter."
"It is a well-known fact that Satanists sacrifice live beings, both human
and animal, to Satan Lucifer, the fallen angel."
"Oh, I see. You know, that's kind of funny."
"It's terrible that you can say that."
"No, I mean it's funny that you believe in Satan as a deity."
"Why?"
"Because not even the Satanists believe he is real. Lavey wrote that
himself."
"Why do you refer to Lavey so often?"
"He is the founder of Satanism. Despite popular belief, what is commonly
known as Satanism was started in the 1960's. It draws on ancient pagan
rites, but the belief system in general is relatively modern."
"You're telling me that Satan didn't exist prior to 1960?"
"No, of course not. What I am saying, though, is that Christians made him
up. Satanists believe that it is good to give into basic human desires.
Christians just gave the collection of these desires a personified name.
Satanists just adopted it."
"So without Christians..."
"There would be no Satanists. Bingo."
"Whatever you call it, Satan, desire, whatever, it is still evil. Succumbing
to these temptations only leads you to the path of darkness."
"Like Adam and Eve."
"Yes, like Adam and Eve."
"And yet, because of their desire to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good
and Evil, Adam and Eve spawned an entire race of humans."
"I miss the connection."
"Adam and Eve were never married. At least, never in Genesis does it say
they were married. Essentially, they had sex out of wedlock, then. Which
means Cain and Abel were fathered illigitimately. Which means that the
entire human race is based on hedonistic sex."
"But..."
"Furthermore, Adam and Eve presumably knew the difference between good and
evil, right? Considering they ate the apple and all?"
"Well, yes..."
"So they must have known that sex was bad, right? That it was a hedonistic
temptation of the flesh and should be discarded?"
"They may have known..."
"Then if they knew that it was bad, and they feared God punishing them
again, why did they have sex?"
"Well..."
"I'll tell you why. Because sex ISN'T bad. The apple gave them the knowledge
that sex was in the GOOD part of 'Knowledge of Good and Evil.'"
"That's unfounded."
"How old is the earth?"
"About 6000 years old."
"You got that from adding up the lifespans of people in the bible?"
"Yes."
"Literally?"
"The Word of God contains no lie."
"Then explain dinosaur fossils to me."
"Um... Science fails to explain much of the things in the bible. We as a
race have not yet developed the level of intelligence needed to understand
certain things like Jesus's miracles."
"I think you've got it backwards. I think that the bible fails to explain
the laws that science has proven to exist."

At this point, a Boston College police officer came and broke up the
conversation, as we had drawn quite a crowd. The man with the sandwich board
was ushered into a cruiser and hauled away, amidst a round of applause from
the crowd. Someone handed me a 6-pack and said "thank you!"

Yeah, it was a good day.