Stupid Things People Say

As usual, Chuck Sonnenburg instigated another round of rollicking humor, this time based around stupid things that other people say. His initial post caused an avalanche of scientifically probable Voyager scenarios.

Read on, troglodyte!

Subject: Stupid things People Say: Spotlight on Rick Berman
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2000 16:27:58 -0500
From: "Chuck" <CSONN@prodigy.net>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars

"Berman also spoke about the final season of Voyager, saying that the series
will conclude either with the U.S.S. Voyager returning home, or remaining
lost in the Delta Quadrant."
Whoa, where's the spoiler warning on that one! They either will or won't
make it home; damn Berman, give away the whole plot why don'tcha!

--
Chuck
http://www.sfdebris.com

Subject: Re: Stupid things People Say: Spotlight on Rick Berman
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 01:13:24 GMT
From: "Chris O'Farrell" <ynosmbi@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars

Durandal <durandal64NOduSPAM@mac.com.invalid> wrote in message
news:B5B740B5.14E4%Durandal64@mac.com...

> That'd be a great downer for the end of the series. Voyager, just a few
> days away from Earth, gets blown up by a Romulan Warbird!
> Or, they fall into a black hole and don't make it out.

Don't worry Mr Paris, We will just find the crack in the event Horizen
again.
'Uh Mam, there is no crack'
'Uhhhh..............................'

"Chris O'Farrell" <ynosmbi@hotmail.com> wrote:

>Don't worry Mr Paris, We will just find the crack in the event Horizen
>again.
>'Uh Mam, there is no crack'
>'Uhhhh..............................'

Or, we could do it ala The Simpsons...

KIM: Captain, there's a crack in the Event Horizon that we can used to
escape.
TUVOK: May I point out that an Event Horizon is a mathematically defined
radius, and it does not exist. Logically, there can BE no "crack" in it.
(awkward pause...)
JANEWAY (pointing to Tuvok): Does anyone care about what this guy says?!

--
Damien Sorresso

Subject: Re: Stupid things People Say: Spotlight on Rick Berman
Date: 10 Aug 2000 07:38:52 GMT
From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars

Skyf Kentry wrote:

>Yeah! Whatever happened to the Prime Directive. Man, she really ticks me
>off.
>

Janeway: Seven, what do you have on that planet 32 lightyears from here.

Seven: That planet is home to Species 8088. They are a primitive race of
humanoids. When the Collective encountered them 237 years ago, they proved to
be quite fluent in English. I believe Ensign Kim would find them most sexually
appealing.

Ensign Kim <hiding sheepishly behind his console>: I would <voice cracks> not!

Janeway: Interesting. What else do you know about them?

Seven: They've been at war with Species 6502 for five generations. And they
are also a major producer of <treknobabble bullshit product> and that
brown-bean by-product you apparently find so appealing.

Janeway: It's *coffee* Seven. Something you should try. Look what it does
for me!

Tuvok: Your predilection for that beverage is most illogical. It contains a
highly addictive substance . . . namely caffeine. To try to render Seven of
Nine an addict is also highly illogical.

Janeway: Vices define us, Tuvok. It makes us *human*.

Chakotay <Looks at Janeway with suggestive glint in his eye>: So, Kathryn,
what are we going to do?

Torres: Captain, we are running dangerously low on <treknobabble bullshit
product>. Without it, our warp core and shields will be even more absurdly
fragile then they are now.

Janeway: We're going to go to that planet and find a way to get some of their
coffee . . . oh, and their <treknobabble bullshit product> too. Oh, and we'll
probably restore peace by uniting them against us through my diplomatic
ineptitude, but I digress! Mister Paris, set course for that planet!

Tuvok <pained look on his face>: Captain, might I remind you that would be in
violation of the Prime Directive.

Janeway: Tuvok . . . <Launches into lengthy speech utilizing Starfleet's
cracked moral sense as a reason to violate *Starfleet's* Prime Directive>

::Cameras cut away for commercial::
(Voices indistinct.)
...Tuvok, why couldn't you keep your mouth shut?...I've violated the Prime
Directive enough times to warrant immediate execution!
...Captain...it is imperative in my duty as Head of Security that I must report
this in my logs...Captain, what are you doing with that phaser?....Your course
of action is...*PHHWAAT*
...Seven, revive him....make sure he remembers nothing....
....or what, your threats are irrelevant.
....If we don't violate the Prime Directive, then we'll have no choice but to
have me do a nude scene....
....very well, Captain....I will comply.

The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy

Subject: Re: Stupid things People Say: Spotlight on Rick Berman
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 09:44:47 +0200
From: Filip Janssen <filip.janssen@alcatel.be>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars

Durandal wrote:

> Or, we could do it ala The Simpsons...
>
> KIM: Captain, there's a crack in the Event Horizon that we can used to
> escape.
> TUVOK: May I point out that an Event Horizon is a mathematically defined
> radius, and it does not exist. Logically, there can BE no "crack" in it.
> (awkward pause...)
> JANEWAY (pointing to Tuvok): Does anyone care about what this guy says?!
>
> --
> Damien Sorresso

how about:
JANEWAY: What's that on the screen
KIM: it's a planet with a ring around it
JANEWAY: what ring, I don't see no ring
KIM: it's the donut shaped thingy around the planet
JANEWAY: hmmmmmmmm donuts ... must have donuts!
janeway pushes aside paris and rams a few buttons.
JANEWAY: oooooh, work dammit!
TUVOK: Captain, Everyone one deks 4 through 15 have just been sucked into
space
JANEWAY: D'oh!

show ends with Voyager flying into Neelix, who leaves a nasty stain on the
viewscreen.

Subject: Re: Stupid things People Say: Spotlight on Rick Berman
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 11:36:36 -0500
From: Durandal <durandal64NOduSPAM@mac.com.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars

Filip Janssen <filip.janssen@alcatel.be> wrote:

>how about:
>JANEWAY: What's that on the screen
>KIM: it's a planet with a ring around it
>JANEWAY: what ring, I don't see no ring
>KIM: it's the donut shaped thingy around the planet
>JANEWAY: hmmmmmmmm donuts ... must have donuts!
>janeway pushes aside paris and rams a few buttons.
>JANEWAY: oooooh, work dammit!
>TUVOK: Captain, Everyone one deks 4 through 15 have just been sucked into
>space
>JANEWAY: D'oh!
>
>show ends with Voyager flying into Neelix, who leaves a nasty stain on the
>viewscreen.

Or...
JANEWAY (watching video monitor in ready room): Chakotay, who is that filthy
bag of perspiration?
CHAKOTAY: Harry Kim, ma'am, one of your autonomous knuckle-dragging
troglodytes in Sector 7G.
JANEWAY (watching Harry slack off): Release the hounds...
(watches the hounds tear up Harry)
Excellent.
--
Damien Sorresso

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