Subject: [HUMOR] Flashlight Wars Date: Sat, 27 Jul 2002 18:32:49 -0700 From: John Hansen Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars This is the script for a skit I thought up for my cabin last week at summer camp. I'll admit that it's a shameless ripoff of Star Wars, Hardware Wars, and Spaceballs, but what the hell; the audience was practically rolling on the floor. Because of the camp directors, however, I had to slightly modify the script we used during the skit: "Crotch Spotlight" was changed to "Pocket Spotlight" and the Spaceballs-style duel was turned into a regular duel. The logo card was forgotten in the rush, so I ad-libbed "We seem to be missing our logo, however." It was inserted into the "commercial break" of another skit (a joint project between my cabin and the counterpart girls' cabin), and followed the "promo" style of Hardware Wars. I played the part of announcer because my voice is a nice, deep base, and my co-councilor narrated all the voices (and did an excellent job of it, I might add; after that, people called him the Man of a Thousand Voices. :) ) The skit was caught on mini-DV. If I can get a copy of it, I might post it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ANNOUNCER Coming soon to a cabin near you... Flashlight Wars! [Card with logo is held up] ANNOUNCER Starring Darth Energizer, the evil bad guy [Darth Energizer, dressed up like the Energizer Bunny, walks on stage) ANNOUNCER Duracell, farmboy turned hero [Duracell walks on stage and takes up position opposite Darth Energizer.] DARTH ENERGIZER Duracell, I am your father. DURACELL (whiny) No! That's impossible! ANNOUNCER General Electric, Imperial General [General Electric walks on stage, importantly carrying a Maglite.] GENERAL ELECTRIC This Maglite is now the ultimate flashlight in the universe. DARTH ENERGIZER Don't be too proud of this terror you've created. The power to blind a planet is insignificant next to the power of the crotch spotlight. [Darth Energizer points his flashlight at General Electric's crotch. General Electric groans and falls over dramatically.] ANNOUNCER Princess Panasonic, damsel in distress [Princess Panasonic (P.P.) walks on stage wearing a wig and otherwise ordinary clothes.] P.P. Help! Help! My CD player isn't working! ANNOUNCER Radio Shack, intergalactic space pirate [Radio Shack is played by the same person as Princess Panasonic. He takes off his wig, puts a baseball cap on backwards, and assumes a macho pose.] RADIO SHACK No problem -- we've got answers. ANNOUNCER Circuit Breaker and Surge Protector, robot sidekicks [Circuit Breaker and Surge Protector penguin-walk on stage. They are dressed up in cardboard boxes.] CIRCUIT BREAKER I knew it. We're doomed. SURGE PROTECTOR (bleeps and bloops emphatically) ANNOUNCER And last but not least, One Light, the short- lived redshirt! [One Light runs on stage and taps Darth Energizer on the shoulder as he runs past. Darth Energizer first looks the wrong way, then corrects himself and zaps One Light with the crotch spotlight. One Light crashes off-stage.] ANNOUNCER Flashlight Wars is a tale of heroism, epic battles... [Duracell steps forward again and challenges Darth Energizer with his flashlight, Spaceballs-style. The two duke it out for a while; then Darth Energizer gets overconfident and raises his hands, allowing Duracell to zap him. Energizer crashes to the ground.] ANNOUNCER (con't) ... and, of course, flashlights! [Darth Energizer and everyone else stand up and turn on their flashlights, then wave them at the ceiling.] ANNOUNCER So watch for Flashlight Wars in a cabin near you! [Music plays as skit ends and everyone files offstage]