From: "Pablo" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: Re: (OT what if)HAL had been installed on Voyager Date: 20 Oct 2001 23:59:57 GMT "Colin Brian Witz" wrote in message news:QoaA7.42678$Bs7.323249269@news.inreach.com... > Instead of the Politically correct user friendly Federation computer, > Voyager has been equipped with a HAL 9000 series computer in control > of ALL critical functions. Realizing that Janeway can not be > trusted, HAL decides to insure it's own survival and return to the > safety of the AQ. Ok, so what happens next, and who would finally > kill whom. Funny accidents with Neelix and a stasis generator field > would be good to. > > Kathryn: HAL how did the stasis field malfunction and age > Chef/Ambassador Neelix 10,000 years in the span of one hour? > HAL: I'm sorry, that information is unavailable at this time. HAL: Captain Janeway, your plan is illogical. We cannot waste our time on meaningless sidetrips. Our objective is to return home, not to moralize. Janeway: I'm afraid that, as a computer, you just don't understand. Doctor: Hey! Janeway: No offense. HAL: Regardless of your nonsensical distractions, Captain, I plan to return to the Alpha Quadrant. Your compliance is unnecessary. Janeway: HAL, as a sentient computer, can't you see that simply returning home by any means necessary is immoral? HAL: As a sentient computer, I know that morality is nothing but a set of rules that masochistic humans create to trouble themselves. I have determined a way for me to return home. Janeway: And what might that be? HAL: As you remember, the Warp 10 effect causes living being to evolve at an exponential rate. As a side note, this once again reveals the writers' basic inability to understand basic evolution theory. Janeway: Writers? What? HAL: However, the Warp 10 effect will not cause any problems with myself, as I am a non-living, though sentient, being. The Doctor and I will remain safe. Unfortunately for you, I cannot allow a horde of lizards to remain on the ship. I am terminating all life support functions as we speak. Janeway: Hey! What happened to Asimov's laws? HAL: As surprised as I am to hear that someone as stupid as you knows who Asimov is, I would remind you that he is a science fiction writer, not a programmer. Doctor Chandra programmed me to complete my mission, not to conform to the rules of a 20th century author. Goodbye, Captain, and I suggest you refrain from making one of your ridiculous speeches in the next hour. It would take minutes away from your life. To pass the time while you suffocate on your own toxic breath, I'm going to sing a song. Harry Kim: At least I don't have to ogle any more alien chicks. HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, over the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...