From: pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
Subject: [Humor] Random Story
Date: Wed, 02 Aug 2000 05:43:40 GMT



The Imperial Invasion
Part 1

[A massive Imperial Fleet drops out of hyperspace near the Federation
colony.  The outnumbered Federation fleet does nothing, and sort of
sits in orbit in an altogether boring way.  The Imperial fleet’s
advanced stalls, and slowly the mighty warships grind to a halt.]

[Cut to bridge of Eclipse Star Destroyer “Coruscant.”]

Admiral: Goddam worthless Federation morons.  Open a channel to them.

First Tech: Who?

Admiral: The Federation ships.

First Tech:  Which one?

Admiral: [angry] Whichever one looks to be in charge, moron! [mumbling]
Damn stupid recruits.  Can’t tell their own ass from their console.

[Cut to Bridge of Federation Sovereign class “Marx.”]

Comm Officer: Sir, we’re being hailed!

Captain:  By whom?

Tactical Officer: By the frickin’ gigantic enemy fleet, who else?

Captain: Enemy?

Tac Officer: Yes, enemy.  Lots of them.  Over there.  I’ll put them on
screen.

[Shot of the massive Imperial Fleet appears on screen.]

Captain: JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!

Tac Officer: Who?

Captain: Uh, never mind.  Put the hail on screen.

[Imp fleet is replaced by the Admiral]

Admiral:  What the hell are you doing?  You’re supposed to be all
surprised and terrified of us when we jump in!  Instead you sit on your
ass in orbit around the stupid planet and don’t even react!

Captain:  I’m sorry, we didn’t notice you come in.

Admiral:  Didn’t notice?!?  How the Hell could you not notice us come
in?!?  Are you on crack, or something?

Captain: [defensive] No!

Admiral: [sighs] Would it work if we left, then came back in, and you
acted all surprised?

Captain: [thinks for a few seconds] I guess it might.

Admiral: Good.

[The Imperial fleet turns around and exits into hyperspace.  A few
moments later, they reenter.]

Captain: [monotone] Ahhh.  An enemy fleet.  Prepare defensive positions.

Admiral: [on screen] What the Hell was that?!?

Captain:  What was what?

Admiral: It was damn poor acting, that’s what!

Captain:  Look, if you’re going to be insulting...

Admiral: Sorry.  Just getting a little frustrated.

Captain:  Leave, then come back again.

Admiral: Okay.  I’ll do that.  Again.  [under breath] Moron.

[The Imperial fleet once again leaves]

[Cut to bridge of ESD “Coruscant.”]

Admiral:  Are we back in system?  Good.  Begin firing.

First Tech:  What button would I be pushing to do that?

Admiral:  Not you, you’re the comm officer!  The weapons officer has to
push the buttons.

First Tech: Oh, sorry.

Weapons Officer: What button do I push?

Admiral: The big red one.

Weapons Officer: There are several “Big red buttons.”  I’m afraid
you’ll have to be more specific.

Admiral: [sighs] The big red one marked “Commence Firing.”

Weapons Officer: This one?

Admiral: No, that’s the button to jettison the garbage.

Weapons Officer:  Then it must be this one!

Admiral: No, that’s the escape pods 100 through 200 launching button.
Can’t you read?

Weapons Officer: No, I can’t.

Admiral: What?

Weapons Officer: [sobbing] I can’t read!  You hear me?  I can’t read!!!

Admiral: Jesus Christ.  I’ll push the damn button myself.  [under
breath] Illiterate trailer-trash cousin-marrying redneck spawn of his
own half-brother.

Weapons Officer: [cries more] I heard that!  Even the admiral hates me!

Admiral: Damn.  Oh well.  Go drink some moonshine or something.
Whatever.

Weapons Officer: Okay.  I just happen to have some moonshine back in my
quarters—

Admiral: Just leave.

[Turbolaser fire rips the Federation fleet to pieces.  Several
defenseless UFP laundry tenders explode, scattering undergarments into
deep space.]