All the Alien Bastards! by Spyda (archmage@xtra.co.nz) Part 1 The Jem Hadar gathered around the small craft that had just landed on the forest moon currently under their control. After a few moments they discovered the rectangular outline that appeared to be the hatch. Suddenly the hatch flung open knocking one of them to the ground! Out stepped a large man with blond hair and a red shirt. The Jemmies looked at the man and he grinned back. They then looked at each other in confusion. Without warning the man removed a large chaingun from behind his back and turned them inside out! "Hail to the beef baby!" The man turned to see one Jem Hadar still alive and searching frantically for his fallen weapon. The man pointed the oversized weapon at the helpless Jemmie. "I'm Duke Nukem. And I'm coming to get the rest o' you Alien Bastards!" A split second of fire from the gun was enough to completely shred the Jem Hadar's skull and spray the surrounding area with little chunks of brain tissue and bone. Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet, a Romulan spy was taken hostage. He looked pretty much like your average Romulan except for the fact that he was wearing a black suit similar in all respects to an Earth-style tuxedo. A Vorta and two Jem Hadar guards entered the dimly lit room. "So Mr. tr'Volta, your not exactly a very efficient spy are you? With that get up you were easier to spot roaming around outside then a Vole in a pressure lock!" The Romulan looked up into the eyes of the Vorta. He had been in that room for hours on end. He was starting to get pissed off. He flashed a grin at the Vorta. <> Without warning tr'Volta drew a pair of glocks and proceeded to fill the three aliens with more lead than a genetically modified cow! He exited to room and came to a passageway. Two more guards appeared from around the corner and tr'Volta let loose the lead! The Jem Hadar dropped to the floor and tr'Volta continued on his way. Just then a group of Jemmies appeared behind tr'Volta. But at that moment a door was kicked open and Duke Nukem appeared from behind it. "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum!" Duke looks at the attackers, "But I'm all outta gum..." He fetches a pipe bomb from his belt and gives it a twist. After hearing the confirming click he lobs it at the group with a football style throw. The bomb lands in the middle of the group. The bomb explodes and little meaty chunks of Jem Hadar are left splattered over the walls! One of the Jemmies was only clipped by the explosion and ran down the corridor screaming! "I am on fire! I am on fire! I am on..." his bellowing was cut short by a loud boom. The burning Jemmie fell to the ground with a massive hole in his head. Duke grinned as he watched him fall. The smoking desert eagle in dukes hand had put that guy out of his misery. "What the HELL took you so long?" tr'Volta asked looking at the ginning Duke. "I was about to score with a hot blonde. Only to find it was one of those bottom feeding, scum sucking, shape shifters! But right now," Duke put away his side arm and drew forth the shotgun that was slung over his back and cocked it, "It's time to make tracks cause I gotta whole lotta pain to dish out." All the Alien Bastards! Part 2 A little girl, about the age of nine, sat in fear of her captor. A single Jem Hadar guard had his weapon pointed at her. He was slightly tilting it from side to side, heightening her fear! She trembled as she watched the weapon have in front of her. All she wanted to do was get back to the family transport that had landed not far from there and be back with her parents. The suddenly with an incredibly loud boom the Jem Hadar's head exploded! The little girls fear turned to disgust as she wiped the blood from her face with her hands. "Ewwww!" As she cleared the alien blood from her eyes she could make out two figures, one of them carrying a shotgun with two smoking barrels. She spat out a small piece of Jem Hadar brain and waved. "Thank you mister!" "Run along kid, we got some more o' those ugly fuckers to kill!" replied Duke. The little girl ran into the woods and Duke and the Romulan tr'Volta continued towards a stolen federation shuttle waiting for someone to liberate it from it's new Jem Hadar owners. As they approached the shuttle another Jem Hadar jumped out from behind the bushes! He knocked Duke's shotgun out of his hand and proceeded go hand to hand against Duke. Tr'Volta pointed his guns at the two combatants but he couldn't get a clear shot. Finally Duke grabbed the Jem Hadar by the neck and slammed him against the shuttle! "Damn, your ugly!" Duke drove his fist straight into the Fem Hadar's skull! "Ow..." "You fool! You pathetic humans cannot penetrate out natural armor with your fists! "Oh." said Duke, acknowledging the useful piece of information the Jem Hadar just gave him. At that moment Duke drew his desert eagle and emptied the contents of the Jemmies head against the shuttle! The Jem Hadar dropped to the ground lifeless with a small hole in the front of his head and a really big one in the back. "After you," Duke said gingerly. The pair of them entered the shuttle and left the forest world behind them. "Alright, now what?" tr'Volta asked Duke looked around and found a combadge on the floor and pinned it to his chest. "Hey look, I'm a red-shirt!" At that moment the power conduit next to him exploded and burnt his the skin on his right arm a little. "OW!" He then proceeded to smash the conduit with his fist! Finally, contented that the evil power conduit had been beaten into remission, he smiled and looked ahead to the blurred stars passing by. Just then the computer started chiming. "We got a call from Starfleet command." Observed Duke. "What the fuck do they want?" tr'Volta asked rhetorically. He pressed a button and the image of a Starfleet admiral appeared on one of the screens in front of them. "Gentlemen, you've done very well. But I'm afraid matters are getting worse. You see with Mr. Nukem's superior combat skill we decided to train some of our new crew members on the USS Expendable in those specific combat techniques. After we trained them in your one liners," the Admiral said looking at Duke, "they were all assimilated by the Borg! I'm relaying a transmission now." "We are the Borg. We are here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. Our supply cache of gum has been exhausted. You will be assimilated." "But anyway gentlemen there's not much we can do about that. I want you two to go after some Imperial ships that have shown up around here. Here are the co-ordinates. Admiral Piett...err I mean random Starfleet Admiral out. Hehe do you think they bought it? OH SHIT WE'RE STILL ON." All the Alien Bastards! Part 3 It was around lunch time in the crew pit of the executor and as instructed by Darth Vader, Admiral Piett opened a channel with the Emperor. The robed figure of the Sith lord appeared on a screen and the Admiral with one of his senior officers greeted him. Normally Darth Vader would answer it himself but the Emperor wanted to speak to the Admiral first hand, in order to make sure he hadn't placed his trust in a fool. "Your excellency, we have done as you have asked and Mr. Nukem and Mr. tr'Volta are on their way here. But I do not believe we have sufficient resources to restrain them once they arrive." "I have already dispatched my apprentice. He will deal with these two." "Your apprentice? He's standing over there!" The senior officer pointed to Vader who was busy trying to slide a nacho under his helmet. "NO YOU FOOL! My other apprentice." "You have another one? How many apprentices are you Sith lords allowed to have?" "VADER!" Darth Vader dropped the nacho and took one look at the officer and raised his and closed his fist! There was an almighty crunch and the officer fell to the deck, dead! "Anyway, as I was saying, my other apprentice should have already arrived." The Emperor disappeared. A few minutes later Nukem and tr'Volta boarded the Executor and proceeded rip the storm troopers a whole new range of assholes! "Hey, I thought this armor was supposed to protect us from shit like this?" Said one trooper as he watched one of his friends collapse to the floor in pieces. "No it's to help us aim better! See?" Said another one as he fired a shot that landed well clear of their targets. "I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!" Duke ran up to one of the remaining troopers and shot the other one with the desert eagle. He then shot the other one in the neck causing him to clutch at his throat in a searing painful death. Duke then ripped off the troopers head and proceeded to unbuckle his belt. "I'm just gonna go on ahead." tr'Volta left through a door to find some more troopers to fill with lead. Then suddenly the room Duke was in began to shake! Was this an earthquake? In space? Duke buckled up his belt and reached for his gun. Unfortunately it was lying on the other side of the room. The shaking had knocked it out of his hand. Duke looked up and found the reason for the shakes. Standing before him was a man. A very fat man, a very very fat man. "SURPRISE, SURPRISE!" said the overweight, kilt wearing man said in an overwhelming Scottish accent. "Damn, you are one fat mother…" "AH! SHUDUP YA WEE USELESS PILE AH CRAP! I DON'T NEED TO TAKE NO USELESS CRAP FROM YEE! I ATE AN EWOK!!!! THE NAME'S FAT BASTARD BY THE WAY! AN' I ATE AN EWOK!!!!!!!!" "I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW ASSHOLE!" "Actually, AH CUD DO WITH A NEW ASSHOLE! I CAN FEEL THE STUFF GET BUILT UP IN MY ARSE! IT'S MOVIN' AROUND AND GETIN' KINDA SMELLY!" Fat Bastard charged Duke and knocked him to the ground! Meanwhile tr'Volta proceeded to fill every storm trooper he came across until finally making it to the bridge where he came face to face with the dark lord of the Sith. "Vader!" "tr'Volta. I'm afraid I have little time to deal with you." The Romulan, who incidentally bore a remarkable resemblance to the 20th century star of 'Pulp Fiction', began to unload round after round at the dark lord. Vader simply raised his hand and deflected all the shots harmlessly away from himself and harmfully into the body of a passing bridge officer. Just as the pieces of the bridge officer collapsed to the ground a slew of Ewoks busted down the door and ran at Vader! <> Vader utilized his grip on the force and grabbed on of the Ewoks with an invisible grip! He threw the Ewok through the air towards tr'Volta! As the Ewok flew towards him tr'Volta used his super quick reflexes to slow his perception of time. He saw the Ewok slowly fly though the air and bent himself backwards and avoided the hapless creature who landed headfirst into the wall! Vader used the forces and grabbed more of the furry creatures and threw them at tr'Volta! The Romulan twisted his body in slow motion as the Ewoks somersaulted and rolled past, parting the air as they went and creating some very nice special effects in the process. One by one the crashed into the wall, some crashed with their backs facing the wall while others landed face first! The Tuxedo wearing Romulan stood up straight and faced his attacker. "Now things are starting to get serious." All the Alien Bastards! Christmas Special! "Grrrrrrr......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" Duke awoke from his slumber in a cold sweat. "Bad dream sugar?" Said the woman lying next to him. Duke climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed. "Duke.....talk to me." she said, sitting up straight. Duke ignored the woman and grabbed his desert Eagle. "Quiet." "Duke..." Just then the bedroom door busted open and a Gungan and a Talaxian crashed into the room. "We're gonna fry your ass now Nukem!" cried Neelix as he slung his flame thrower and pulled the trigger. Duke dived out of the way as as flames incinerated everything insight, including the woman Duke had just spent the last four hours boning. Neelix released the trigger and admired his handy work, Duke was nowhere in sight. A cheesy grin stretched over his rodent like face. "Mesa think we burned 'em up good, yes?" said Jar Jar. "Ha ha HA!" Neelix turned around to face the Gungan. "The boss is gonna be pretty happy to see us." "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum," Neelix and Jar Jar turned around in horror to see Duke standing right behind them with a desert eagle in each hand. "and I'm all outta gum!" Duke pulled the triggers one after the other, Neelix felt the sting of hot lead pierce his right shoulder. Nope, still alive. He thought to himself as his arm and chest coursed with pain as if it were on fire. Another bullet pierced his left. Ok, that one's probably done it. He thought in the tenth of a second between shots. Another bullet shattered his skull, there was no more thought after that, not that there was a lot to begin with. "Mesa not scared of you! Mesa gonna rip YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!" Jar Jar snarled as he lunged at Duke. Another blast splattering the Gungun's diminutive brain over Neelix's corpse was a swift and final reminder to the Gungan of his place in the food chain. Duke burst out the front door, smoking desert eagles in each hand. He had one mission, find the jerk that sent rat and fishboy to kill him, and get a little revenge for killing what's-her-name. "My name's Duke Nukem! And I'm coming to get the rest of you alien bastards!" [Insert epic quest to find the culprit, and a lot of dead aliens here] About ten minutes later, inside a hollowed out volcano. "Ah, mister Nukem, I am suprised you made it this far... but I'm afraid it's all for nothing. You see......" Duke couldn't believe his eyes, before him was the one responsible for the death of that chick he met in the bar. "..........Santa?" "Yes Duke," said the jolly fat man as he approached Nukem, "you see, I'm a little tired of this job, and so in order to..." A single blast from Duke's sidearm sent the holiday mascot to a quick demise. "Hehe, what a mess. Kids, when you're dealing with an obese holiday mascot, don't screw around. Looks like someone's got to get these presents out, looks like it's up to me..." You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry. You'd better lay down your weapons, I'm telling you why... Santa Duke is coming, to town! He know's when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake. We know that he's got a big gun, so let's not.... ........shit.