Subject: [Fanfic] The Klingon Hunter Date: Sun, 16 Jul 2000 02:59:35 -0400 From: Dalton Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars (The scene fades up to the Negh'Var-class Klingon starship Croc'dil, four thousand lightyears off course, on a mission to fight the Borg in their territory. Inside, a mutiny is taking place.) KLINGON WARRIOR: And now, traitorous p'tak, you will die!! (The Klingon lunges at the captain, holding a broken bat'leth, slashing the captain from neck to groin.) Meanwhile, outside the ship... (A small shuttle shaped like a 4x4 with a boat strapped on top glides smoothly to an availabe docking port. Nobody notices.) CRAZY AUSSIE: G'day! I'm Steve Irwin, and this is my wife, Terri! TERRI: Hello! We're here on the Klingon Negh'Var starship Croc'dil. Today we're looking forward to seeing an elusive Klingon mating ritual and-- STEVE: Crikey! Lookit that! *points* (A Klingon tears the throat out of his shipmate) TERRI (low voice): We've just seen a display of a typical Klingon territorial dispute. Normally, these types of disputes are fatal to both parties. STEVE: I'm gonna get a closer look at 'im! (Steve stalks silently towards the Klingon, stopping short as it faces him) STEVE: He thinks I'm trying to violate his territory. I'm going to back away slowly and avoid eye contact. KLINGON: *growl* STEVE: You're alright, mate, you're alright... (The Klingon stomps away. Steve follows shortly, but back off again as the Klingon spins around.) KLINGON: ROOOOOOOOARRRR!! (He goes to charge) (Steve backs off like a frightened jackrabbit, and the Klingon halts his charge, turns, and stomps away again.) STEVE: Whew! One of the scariest moments of my career. Absolutely beautiful animal!! Did you see the ridges on 'is fore'ead?! That was an adult male - very common in this type of 'abitat. Veeeeery aggressive!!! Whooo! TERRI (voice-over): There aren't any females or children on most of these starships, but we've tracked several females to this particular vessel. Normally it isn't safe to have them in this all-male environment, but this group is so far away from the rest of their herd that the males need some way of mating and relieving their sexual tension. (Steve stalks through corridors, poking his head into every door. His nose wrinkles as he passes by one, and he goes inside.) STEVE: Klingon poop. (Steve crouches by a low pit full of Nature's own fertilizer. It is a dark red and watery.) STEVE (goes to touch the feces, but thinks better of it): Whoever left this 'as obviously been 'aving a good time. As I can see it, there's a bloomin' lot of blood mixed in 'ere. Looks like 'oever left this ate the 'eart of 'is enemy. TERRI: Steve, come here, quick! Injured Klingon! STEVE: Crikey! (Out in the hallway a Klingon limps by, holding his arm painfully.) TERRI (voice-over): They're a very aggressive species, and often we find that fights very often lead to serious injury, and sometimes, even death. Very sad for us, but fortunately for them they're a very prolific species. STEVE: 'e's probably the survivor of another territorial dispute. From the blood on 'is chin and 'is fingers, it looks like 'e won and ate the 'eart. Prolly a recent battle, too. Let's go! [END PART I] ------ [PART II] (A starship shaped like a 4x4 with a boat strapped to the top of it streaks towards a disabled Romulan D'deridex-class warbird, landing in a convenient hangar bay) CRAZY AUSSIE (leaning out the window): G'day! I'm Steve Irwin! Today we'll be hunting after one of the *sneakiest* species in the entire quadrant: the Romulan! And Terri's going to try and handle one for the FIRST TIME! (Steve leaps out of the carship's window, landing in a crouch. Terri, being saner, uses the door.) TERRI: The Romulans are a very interesting species. They are always sneaky and clever! You have to watch out for them! STEVE: RIGHT! One false move, and they'll LEAP onto ya! And they'll just 'ang on, with those big, sharp claws! RARRR! TERRI: The Romulans are not an endangered species, but them and the Klingons often cross paths, usually resulting in a massacre. STEVE: And on the other end of their territory, they face an ever-increasing threat from the Borg! Their survival may be at stake, but these critters won't go down without a fight! (They set off) STEVE (voiceover): The Romulans are far enough away from man for them to not be much of a threat, but the sheer aggressiveness of the Klingons 'as been trouble for them ever since they arrived. The Romulan's 'abitat 'as been shrinking bit by bit. TERRI (voiceover): The good news is that they've also had the foresight to expand, but more recent attacks by the Borg have proven to be an unfortunate consequence. (Now we see Steve holding a struggling Romulan by the arms) STEVE: This buggah is a full-grown male. You can see the big "V" on 'is fore'ead, and those pointed ears! They're designed to frighten away predators, and crikey does it ever work! (They hear a yell. Steve lets go of the Romulan, which immediately runs away) TERRI: Steve! There's a Romulan stuck down there! STEVE: Right! I'm on 'im! (They run to the struggling alien) TERRI: It looks like he's jammed in there pretty well. Steve, what are you going to do? STEVE: Go in there after 'im. TERRI: You're not going in THERE, are you??? STEVE: Yeah, why not? TERRI: Whoo boy. (Steve shimmies down the tube, sliding headlong into the Romulan's flailing legs. He gets a nasty kick to the head.) STEVE: Bloody hell! You're alright, mate! Just let me grab yer legs…CRIKEY! (The Romulan begins screaming) STEVE: Terri! Pull me out, sweet'eart! 'e's injured! TERRI (voiceover): The Romulan species has the odd tendency of building their homes with narrow shafts. Sometimes, Romulans can't see the openings very well and fall down them, usually breaking one or both legs trying to stop. This one has only one broken leg, but it makes it really hard for Steve to get him out. STEVE: I got 'im! (The Romulan slides out in a heap, and Steve immediately jumps on its back and covers its eyes.) TERRI: It looks pretty bad, Steve. The bone is sticking through the skin. STEVE: Crikey. We'll have to take this bloke with us. I don't think 'e'll ever 'eal up enough to be released back into the wild. We'll 'ave to take 'im back with us, and quickly, before 'e goes into shock. Whoo! What a day! We saved the life of one of these beautiful animals, and hopefully helped you gain a better appreciation for 'em! Crikey, I even 'ave the bruises to prove it! [END PART 2]