------------------------------------------------------------ Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [MiSTing] Janeway's Surprise (1/1) From: sonn@execpc.com Date: Fri, 06 Aug 1999 03:31:36 GMT *...2....3...4...5...6...door Mike: So a cannon is a not a big gun that throws metal balls at things. Crow: Nice image, Mike. Tom: No, Mike, you're thinking of a cannon. I'm talking about canon. One "n". Mike: You mean two. Crow: Yes, but not in a row. Tom: Do you mind? Crow: Sorry. Tom: Thank you. *ahem* Canon is used to describe what is and is not real. Mike: So if I have a cannon I say what's real. Cool. Tom: No no no! Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Tom was just explaining to us the meaning of cannon. Tom: No, canon! There's no big metal balls involved! Crow: You want to see some big... Tom: Crow! No! Mike: (tapping panel) We'll be right back. (commercial for the psychic hairclub. "We'll tell you when your hair will fall out") Tom: (crying) It's not fair, it's just not fair. Crow: Stop your whining fanboy. Tom: You can't bring that up 'cause it's not canon! Mike: But... Tom: Don't start! DON'T EVEN START! (LIGHT FLASHES) Mike: Hush you two, Graham Kennedy is calling. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: (typing at computer) So... you see... watts and joules ...are the same thing. Send! Oh, hello booby. Ready for this week's experiment? (SOL) Mike: You know, actually... (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Good, good. I've been purusing the (makes quote marks with fingers) "Information Superhighway" and came across a wonderful discussion group, filled with evil. This Dalton fellow is showing real promise. Heh heh heh (laughs maniacally). That's where I've found this week's experiment. (SOL) Tom: Oh, no... No you wouldn't! Crow: Not another fanfic! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Even better. It's a fanfic! And not just any, but a hopelessly one-sided crossover story, staring none other than ... Captain Janeway! (SOL) General crying. Mike: Sir, even for you this is evil! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Thank you! Yes, sit back and put your pencils down class. I'm afraid there's no secret prize in this week's tripe fest, Janeway's Surprise. Who's the party pooper, eh? (SOL) (alarm sounds) Mike, Crow, Tom: Oh, we've got Fanfic sign!!! 6...5...4...3...2...* >Janeway's surprise. Crow: Why do I get the feeling this will end up like The Crying Game? Tom and Mike:(gagging noises) >A worm hole was formed near the Talaxian system. Three SSDs came out >of it and took over that world. Tom, Mike, Crow: Woohoo! Crow: (chanting) Kill them, kill them, kill them... Tom: Amazingly Talaxians are the only sentient species not protected from genocide. Mike: Time to break out the keg! >Some have managed to flee but >a lot of ships were destroyed. A Talaxian, after several days of >occupation, has sent information to the Starship Voyager. Mike: It's a recipe for making stew out of your own filth. Crow: If you're looking for help, why would you call Voyager? >Voyager received it. Janeway has gathered her crew in order to >find a solution against that new foe. >Janeway: Based on the coded information sent, those ships are huge and >they > seem to be military ships. Mike: Well, it would explain the fact that they TOOK OVER THE WHOLE PLANET! >They took control of Talaxia and > Volaria. They occupied the planets with several ground troops. > They are in orbit near the new worm hole. But the worm hole is > close and not stable. Tom: Just like Voyager's ratings. >It appeared once and they believed it > will appear again. Several cities on Talaxia are under the > control of that organizations. >Neelix tears on his eyes. Crow: I wouldn't mind tearing his eyes either. Mike: I think he has tears in his eyes. Crow: I would too if I were tearing my eyes out. >Neelix: Sorry captain! I can't stay. I need to be alone. >Janeway: We understand Neelix. We will find a solution. Tom: Time travel! Crow: Nanoprobes! Mike: New particle. Kirkions or something nonsensical. Crow: Oo good one. Tom: Wait, it's all just a dream! Mike: No, there's a crack in the event horizon! Crow: No, just in the plot. >Neelix getting out of his chair and walking to the door. >All the senior staff are looking at him with sorrow >in their eyes. Tom: (as crew) Why couldn't he have been on the planet when they invaded. There is no justice! >Seven of Nine: I've analyze the weapons of those ships. Mike: And I'm doing a little weapons analysis of my own. Crow: Nice implants. Tom: This Borg equipped with dual airbags for your protection. Mike: Speaking of protection... Crow: Sorry Mike, there's about ten thousand trekkies ahead of you in line. >They are plasma > based. Their hull are made of neutronium. Our weapons >would > not affect them. But to limit their damage, we could > destroy that worm hole, with one of our torpedoes. Tom: Err, trapping them here. Crow: I didn't say it was a _good_ plan. > The particle residues of that worm hole will help > us in that matter. >Chakotay: Something strange! Mike: I had a dream I was sleeping on a waffle iron last night. Weird huh? >They didn't attack the Volarians. They > asked to be controlled by that organization. Because of > their belief of being yielding to a greater power. It seem >that if you surrender to them they won't attack you. Tom: Brilliant deduction! Crow: Why didn't we think of that sooner! Tom: Okay, to summarize, the plans are: strand them here and then give up. No wonder the Maquis are gone. >Tuvok: Yes! Mike: Pretty excited for a Vulcan. Crow: Must be the Ponn Fahr or whatever it's called. >Also they used ships to board the remaining Talaxian ships. > They don't have transporter technology. >Janeway: I think that it people! Mike: Right! Wormhole, surrender, transporters. That's the stuff plans are made of! >A couple of hours later. On the command of one of SSD, admiral Piett, >standing on the bridge. >Officer: Admiral, Mike: Sir, you're not peeing into the crew pit again are you? Tom: Admiral's perogative, soldier. >five small ships are coming this way. They are trying >to contact us. >Piett: Open the communication. Mike: See if you can get that Paul Harvey fellow. >Communication: Help us people of the Empire. We are escaping Volerians. > The Tyrant Janeway is pursuing us. We won't be able to > evade her much longer. Please protect us. We have found > strange artifacts that may be source of great power, but > we don't have the technology to decipher it. Tom: What is this, Indiana Jones all of a sudden? Crow: Maybe someone will pull Janeway's heart out through her chest. Mike: But then you'd have to touch her chest. Tom, Mike, Crow: (screaming)Ugh! ptoo ptoo, icky! >If it fall > into her hands she will be invincible and control the > galaxy. Crow: Janeway controlling the galaxy. There's the stuff nightmares are made of. Mike: Whole planets dedicated to growing coffee beans. >Officer on the panel: Admiral a bigger ship is pursuing them and > has destroyed one of the smaller ships. >Piett: To all SSDs, raise shields and prepare to destroy that ship. Mike: Which one? Crow: That one! Mike: That one? Crow: No the, the other one. That one! Mike: Oh, the one that says "Voyager" on it. Crow: Yes, that one. >Officer: Sir the bigger ship is trying to contact us. Crow: And by that, you mean... Mike: Voyager. Crow: Oh, Voyager. You mean that one. Mike: Yes. >Piett: Open the communication and scan that ship for weaknesses. >Janeway: Do not interfere in our business or you will be destroyed. Tom: Standard Federation Hail. >Officer: The channel is closed sir. But our scans shows that > their ships are not made of neutronium. Mike: They appear to have a creamy nouget center, sir. >Therefore can be > destroyed with our weapons. Sir the smaller ships are > coming closer to the bigger ship. Crow: You know lieutenant, we really should invent some kind of system to keep track of all these ships. Mike: Are you sure we should try such radical ideas sir? Crow: Make a note of it. Some way to keep track of ships in battle. Mike: You're mad! Mad I tell you! >Piett: Move all the SSDs to intercept and protect those smaller > ships. We need those artifacts. Mike: We don't know why we need them, we just do. Tom: I refuse to believe anyone is this gullible. >Order them to fire at the > bigger ship at my command. Mike: This one? Crow: No, I said the bigger one. Mike: Well, that's the biggest sir. Crow: We're the biggest. Mike: Yes, but, we're not going to shoot at ourselves. Crow: Good point soldier. From now on they shall be "the biggest ship". Mike: Understood sir. >Officer: We are in position. The smaller ship are behind us and > protected by our shields. >A couple of minutes passes. >Officer: The bigger ship is in range sir. Crow: You mean the biggest. Mike: Oh, right, they're the biggest. Crow: Well, we're the biggest, but we'll call them the biggest. Mike: Right. Crow: Right. >Piett: Fire. >On Voyager. Janeway is seeing the bolts coming at her ships. >Janeway: Send a torpedo in front of our ship. We must be precise on >this. > Detonate the torpedo and do the Riker's Hathaway maneuver at > warp two. Tom: (laughing) Ah, yes, I'm sure she has enough time to say all that and expect people to react and carry out her orders in that time. Mike: Well,it is slower than light. Tom: So's a fastball. Try rattling that speech off when one of those is coming at you. >We see a great explosion. Crow: Next on MacGyver... >Officer on the SSD talking to admiral Piett. >Officer: The bigger ship exploded sir. Crow: You mean the biggest. Mike: Ah, biggest, yes. >There is no trace of it. Tom: Except this streak on our sensors. But I'm sure it's nothing. >Piett: Up to now, this sector of space doesn't seem to have a lot > of resistance. Open a communication to the smaller ships. >Communication is being establish. >Piett: You will be brought here to be questioned about your artifacts. Mike: We want your butterchurn, and we want it now! >Volarian: Yes! we owe you our gratitude. You may proceed when you wish. Crow: Begin our torture whenever it's convenient. >The communication is being closed: >Piett: I don't want these Volarians with those artifacts. Tom: I'm sorry. Even Fox Mulder isn't this gullible. >As soon as > they are in our custody. You take them to the brig and bring > the artifacts to me. Advise the other SSDs to stand down. >All the SSDs shield are down. >The officer observing his scanner is suddenly astonish. Mike: What the, who put pong on my scanner! >Officer: Admiral all the small ships vanished. A moment their were here > and now they are not. >Piett: Something is amiss. Tom: Forsooth! Fie, what of it? Crow: Ships gone, yup that qualifies as odd. >Order all SSDs to raise their shields. >Officer: Sir, we are receiving several communications from all the >SSDs. > Strange objects has appeared out of thin air inside our >ships. Crow: Ferbies everywhere! Tom: The fiends! >Piett: What kind of object. >Officer: We don't know! >KABOOM! Mike: So, apparently the Imperials can't tell what a bomb looks like. >From a far distance we witness the destruction of those huge ships. Mike: Oh the humanity! Tom: Actually this is part of the Emperor's massive insurance scam. >A small light coming bigger and bigger as it approaches the position >of the worm hole. It is the Voyager Starship. >Janeway: Fire torpedoes. Crow: You're fired. Heh heh, I love that one. >The worm hole is opening. Bolts of energy surrounds it. >BOOM! Tom: I sure wouldn't want to write the environmental impact statement on that one. >The worm hole is destroyed. >The four small ships (shuttle) are coming near the Voyager starships. Mike: Apparently the Empire couldn't read "property of starfleet" written on the side of the shuttles. Crow: They blew up one of their own shuttles? Tom: What's the count, thirty shuttles so far? Crow: Something like that. >Establishing communication with Voyager. A Volarian person appears >on the view screen. Your plan worked captain. Crow: Oh, the Volarian is the narrator. >Janeway: Now that those ships are destroyed the ground troops won't >have > backup against the resistance of the planets. Mike: Yup, just a dozen AT-ATs and a thousand stormtroopers. No problem. > As for you Chakotay and the crew of the shuttles. > You are awaited in the medical bay by the > doctor. For surgery. Tom: Voyager is financed by organ harvesting. >Chakotay: I don't mind looking like a Volarian. But I prefer > my owns human self. Crow: Man, Michael Jackson hasn't had this much plastic surgery. >The detonation of the torpedo and > escaping at warp really made them believed that Voyager was > destroyed. Crow: Yeah, sure it did. >Janeway: Thanks to the information we had. I knew that warp technology > was foreign to them. Tom: Yeah, so's gunpowder, but I bet they know what a bullet is. >Also their neutronium based hull was > not impervious to our transporters. Also destroying one of > our shuttles with the false life signs would convince that > I was a Tyrant. Tom: That's right cap- Mike: Don't interrupt me swine or I'll have you flogged! >Kim standing near Janeway's command chair. >Kim: Why the artifacts captain? Crow: Stupid plot point? >Janeway: History of several conquering races reveal that such >organizations > will do anything for more power. Mike: The Tim Allen theory of social science. >As I suspected, mentioning >the > possible power of artifacts would blind them from our real > intentions. Tom: Or at least blind the audience to the idiocy of the plan. >Tuvok near his console. Crow: (singing)Here come old flattop. He come moving up slowly... >Tuvok the prison ships have arrive. >Janeway: Let's go to Talaxia and Volaria and beamed those troops inside > the prison ships. Mike: Where did they get the prison ships? Crow: I think Janeway pulled them out of storage. Or her ass. Whichever is more believable. >Several hours later, after the task has been completed. Janeway, in her >room, sitting on a chair, is looking at her computer. The door rings. Tom: Candygram! Crow: Oh, what I wouldn't give for Bruce the Shark right about now. Mike: Maybe we'll be lucky and it's a door to door serial killer. >Janeway: Computer open the door. Crow: (as computer) I'm tired, let the blender do it. >A short man appears in front of the door. It is Neelix. >Neelix: Captain you call for me. Mike: Yes. Get off my ship! >Janeway: Yes! It is official Neelix. Your world is okay. Crow: Only one hundred million dead. >All the > occupation troops are in custody and their weapons taken > from them. We will study them and learn from their > technology. Tom: Study them? What, you're going to run them through mazes or something. Crow: There's still the little matter of TRYING TO GET HOME! >Some of the troops are actually rebels that > inflitrated that organization. They were the ones who gave > the information that we received from the Talaxian. Mike: Yeah, sure they were. Tom: I take it back. Janeway could be this gullible. >Neelix: I am happy captain and I would like to thank you for what >you've > done for my people and for the Volarians. It is a day of joy > for my homeworld. Mike: And a day of sadness for Neelix haters everywhere. >Janeway: Yes! it is a day of joy M. Neelix. Tom: His name is M. Neelix? What's the M for? Crow: Moron. >The lights are opening. >The crew: Surprise! >Janeway: Happy birthday Neelix. Crow: Time for ritualistic suicide. Tom: Us or Neelix? Crow: Either one, as long as I'm put out of my misery. *...2....3...4...5...6...door Tom: Mike, one thing I don't get about Voyager. If they're so desperate to get home, why are they stopping to investigate every stinking little thing that comes their way? Crow: Yeah they've got to get involved in every problem that shows up. What about the prime directive, huh, huh? Tom: Yeah, and what about scarecrow's brain?! Mike: Alright, alright. Look Star Trek: Voyager isn't about getting home, it's about the journey. Yes, you could say that Voyager is following in the feet of such great television classics as Giligan's Island and Earth Force. Tom: Oh, so they're not really trying to get home. Mike: Well, no, they are trying but the won't make it. Crow: Oh...so much for dramatic tension, huh? Mike: But it's, it's all about the journey guys. Tom: You know what, this sucks, let's go watch Drew Carey. Crow: I'm with you. Mike: But, but guys... the journey... Giligan's Island? (light flashes) (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: (typing) So... Q is.... Anakin's father. Send! Well booby it seems you managed to bluff your way through Janeway's Surprise, but let me tell you, there's plenty more where that came from mister. (Laughs maniacally)Frank.... Frank is the Tech Manual canon? Frank:(off camera) It's official your evilness. Dr. Forrester: Is that good? Frank: Look, Steve, it's not that hard. You just have to keep the different categories straight. Push the button and I'll explain it again. All Star Trek characters property of Paramount Pictures. All Star Wars characters property of Lucasfilm. Janeway's Surprise created by Paul Jacques H, Jr. All items related to Mystery Science Theater 3000 property of Best Brains, Inc. MiSTing performed by Chuck Sonnenburg. All rights reserved. (Stinger)Piett: Something is amiss. Chuck Sonnenburg