Subject: [MST3K] Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 19:34:05 -0500 From: "Chuck" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars 6...5...4...3...2...* Why would anybody hesitate to declare themselves to be a Star Trek fan? Crow: Getting laid comes to mind. Trekkies cover the earth! Mike: Like pollution, only slightly more oily. There are hundreds of millions of Trek fans worldwide, and more new ones are beaming up every day! Tom: Sounds a lot like the travel brochures for Heaven's Gate. Crow: "One tablet per person please. Please stow your testicles in the overhead compartment." And why not? Star Trek, and the many movies and Trek shows it sired, Tom: Please stop with reproductive references. You're making it too easy for us! is an entertainment and cultural phenomenon that is unmatched in all of history. Mike: I find it really hard to imagine that the cultural revolution of Red China or that the Industrial Revolution of Europe failed to surpass a television show centering on a guy with pointed ears. No other fictional world caught the public's imagination and ran with it internationally quite the way that Star Trek did. Tom: And the spirit of J.R.R. Tolkien rises out of the depths and strangles you with your shoelaces. Trek fans represent a significant portion of the world's population. Crow: As do lawyers and suicide bombers. In numbers, we may equal or exceed Catholics! Mike: And then again, maybe not. Tom: These high numbers would definitely explain why Enterprise is the number one show in the ratings every week. We are a mighty, mighty international nation with no boundaries and no limits! Mike: "International nation?" Isn't that a contradiction? Tom: Don't contradict them Mike, for they are mighty! Even the sky isn't the limit to us! To us, the sky is just the beginning! Crow: Ironic considering how many live in basements. In the future of our imagination, the sexes, races, and nations are all at peace with one another. Mike: Yeah, except for those fucking Romulan losers! Whoo!!! Poverty and hunger have been eliminated, as have most of our most deadly diseases. We have unified the world into one prosperous nation, Tom: One international prosperous nation of unprosperous unbounded unified mightiness! and have become so advanced in our philosophy and technology that we assume a leadership role among the nations of the greater galaxy! Tom: A science fiction program that puts humans in the driver seat. Wow, what a stretch! Is this not actually an extremely worthwhile set of goals? Mike: Yes, so is winning American Idol, you going somewhere with this? In the future, guys like Captain Kirk carry our blueprint for living all over the galaxy, Crow: I don't think that's the blueprint he spread. and everywhere he goes, there are people that are willing to become our friends, and to join forces with us to secure and foster our common good. Wouldn't that actually be nice? Tom: Especially those Cardassians. Weren't they nice? In the future, fantastic creatures like Mr. Spock share their amazing talents with us, and seem to think we're pretty cool too! Tom: And that's why he said he didn't enjoy working with humans because of our illogic and human emotions? Crow: You're starting to sound like an ubergeek over there. Tom: No, no! I'm cool, I'm with it! Crow: Just watch the Spock quoting, spud. Isn't that a fun thing to think about and look forward to? Mike: Like that first kiss? In the future, bigotry and superstition are on the wane, and reason and compassion rule the day. Crow: So long as the women wear really short skirts. Why would any civilized, modern person be ashamed to admit that they think that *that* would be a good thing? Tom: So you would therefore advocate that we force modern western culture on other areas of the world without their permission to ensure that they are less bigoted and superstitious in comparison to us, right? Huh, right? Crow: Servo, go back to the geek stuff, it's more you. Tom: Bantha poodoo. What's nice about being an out-of-the-closet Trekkie is it's very convenient. You don't have to wear your jaw out with tediously explaining to people over and over that you go for all these concepts. All you have to do is say: "I'm a Trekkie!" and practically anybody who has some vague idea about what Star Trek represents knows what you stand for. Mike: Yeah, I'm sure no one ever thinks of single geeks who dress in costumes and blow their non-disposeable income on plastic trash. What a timesaver! Another thing that's nice about standing up and standing out with your Trekkie brothers and sisters is that you always can find a friend, no matter where your travels take you. Tom: Someone to help pull the underwear back out of your crack after a particularly nasty wedgie. There are Trekkies almost everywhere. Crow: Like cockroaches. As for the rest of the world...just wait! All: NOOOO!!!!! Star Trek gave the world a highly palatable and practical vision to shoot for, one which is desirable and humanly achievable. Crow: From a man with a dead animal on his head. If the world ends in plague and fire as the Bible warns, it will be because not enough people thought and acted like Trekkies. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to once again remind you at home that we do not change the original content of these pieces. Yes, the author actually said that Star Trek is all that stands between us and the Apocalypse. Mike: And I looked and beholde a pale horse, and the rider wore a tag on his shirt saying "My Name Is Death, welcome to Wal-Mart" and men with rubber ears followed him. If the world doesn't end, if we survive this age of folly, Tom: I'm not sure we can survive this post of folly. it will be because, thanks to Star Trek, we knew what else to do beside destroy ourselves, and we did it. Tom: Let me repeat that point: Star Trek is the thin line between us and the open cannibalism that will accompany armageddon. So proudly declare yourself to be a Star Trek fan, Crow: Or by God you kill us all!!!!!! and let everybody know you believe in working for a future that we all will enjoy living in, and will be proud to bequeath to our children. All: What children?!! Mike: Dear God, could that post have gotten any more moronic? Your Trekkie pal, Laura Goodwin http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us Crow: Ask a stupid question, Mike...