*...2....3...4...5...6...door Crow: Gimme that, it's mine! Tom: No, mine! Mike: Guys! Stop that! Learn how to share things! Crow: But it's MY Falcon. Tom: No, you stole it from me! Mike: We can settle this with a little bit of wisdom from the Bible. Why don't I cut it in half and give each of you a piece? Tom: No! Crow: No! You can't do that! Mike: It appears that my little plan has backfired. We'll be right back. (Commercial for 10-10-911: call for help at only one cent per minute) Tom: GIMME! Crow: MINE! Mike: C'mon guys, why don't you share?! (Light flashes) Mike: Oops, looks like Lucifer is making a long-distance call. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: (Typing) So... this means...Tears for the Empire. Send! Ah hello, my little booboocitos! Ready for another exciting session? (SOL) Mike: For as I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, for the Lord walks with me. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: (Slightly dejected) No? Well, this will make you fear evil very, very much. In fact...Frank? Frank: Yes, dearie? Dr. Forrester (Whispering) Don't call me that when I'm on! (Normal voice) Frank, fetch one from....the VAULT! (SOL) Mike, Crow, Tom: *GASP* Mike: Not...the VAULT?! Tom: Like we're really scared, dearie! Crow: You're just plain evil. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Why, thanks for the thought, scrap metal. Frank? Frank: Yes master, I have it. Dr. Forrester: Ah, here we are. Another jewel from our good friend who wrote "Janeway's Surprise". I think you'll like it; it's called "Second Contact". (SOL) (alarms) Mike, Crow, Tom: Uh oh, we've got Fanfic sign! 6...5...4...3...2...* >From: he791859@merlin.uqam.ca Mike: He-Man? Tom: I'm not sure about the "He" part. Crow: Or the "Man". > (PAUL JACQUES H.JR) Crow: Oh, it's that guy. Tom: I wonder if the "H" stands for "He"? Crow: Probably, to remind him that he's a male. Mike: In his own limited definition. >SECOND CONTACT Tom: There was a first contact? Crow: When was this? Mike: At least we didn't have to read it. Crow: Shh! Don't jinx it! >------------------------------------------------------ >Data: Our slipstream travel has been successful captain. We are in the > galaxy 666. Crow: Never heard of that galaxy before. Mike: Yeah, I thought they had a bunch of letters and numbers in them. Tom: You expect this guy to know anything about astronomy? >Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of Nine. Mike: She's got bigger boobies? Tom: Maybe that's why he's impressed. Crow: Yeah, maybe he's pressed in them. Tom: Maybe they're inflatable now! >Riker: 10,000 LY in 1 second! I am happy that Voyager came back > a month ago. Tom: Translation: He got to shag Seven silly. Crow: And Torres. Mike: And Janeway. Crow, Tom: (BARF) Mike: Uh, sorry, guys... >Data: Captain, I am picking up nine big ships. Crow: Wow, I didn't think Data was that strong. Mike: Maybe he's picking them up on sensors. Tom: Why would you need sensors to see nine big ships? Crow: More opportunity for technobabble. >Picard: On screen Crow: I wonder what's on HBO. Tom: I'd rather watch Star Trek V than read this stuff. >On the view screen appears 8 Imperial Star Destroyers with one Super >Star Destroyer. Crow: I thought there were *nine* big ships. Tom: There are. Crow: No, there's eight big ships and one *huge* ship. Mike: Well, they're all big, so what's the problem? Crow: This guy is not terribly consistent. >Data: They are trying to communicate with us captain. Tom: I'd think nine huge ships would communicate "We'll kick your ass" quite well. >Picard: Open a channel M. Data. Crow: Why is everything French in the future? Mike: So the French would accept it instead of banning it. Tom: What do you mean? Mike: Remember 'Pokemon'? >On the view screen, a man appears. Crow: Are you sure? Mike: Maybe it's a cleverly disguised woman. Tom: You're thinking of the author. >Admiral Piett: I am admiral Piett and you will surrender your > ship to us or else. Tom: Or else we will subject you to bad episodes of 'Star Trek'. Crow: Like this one? >Data: They are powering up their weapons captain. I've scan them and > they are no threat to us... They are firing on us. Crow: No, huge bolts of superheated plasmatic energy are of no threat. Suuure. Mike: My brain is trying to gnaw it's way out. >Picard: Shield on. Tom: I wonder if he says that when he buffs his skull with turtle wax. >A few moments after. >Riker: have we been hit? Tom: Yes, and you all should be dead by now. Crow: An expanding cloud of debris. Mike: Some Sci-Fi Debris sounds good about now. >Data: Yes, sir. >Riker: We didn't feel a thing. Mike: So said every woman Paul's gone out with. Tom: How many is that? Crow: .5, if you count a knothole in a tree. >Data: Their weapons don't use NDF, only direct transfers. They could not > go through are navigational shield. Mike: Spit out the marbles and try again. Tom: I think what he's saying is "Empire weapon no affect Enterprise." Crow: Amazing. Cavemen are more coherent than he is. >Picard: Open a channel M. Data. Tom: Here we go with the "M." again. Crow: I wonder if the author really knows English. >Admiral Piett: What is this, you ship wasn't damage. Tom: It's a hallucination caused by the author's wishful thinking. Crow: The author thinks? Are you sure? Mike: It's a strange world. >Picard: Your technology can affect us. Crow: Well, that's certainly true. >Admiral Piett: Impossible! Are calcs proves us otherwise. Crow: Wait, their calcs prove that they can't hurt the Enterprise? Tom: Then why bother firing? Mike: I think this is an example of the author's poor grasp of English shining through. >Picard: Don't force us to fire back. Tom: Yeah, we'd hate to have to tickle you to death. >Admiral Piett: We have shields you know. Crow: Very big and powerful ones, too. >Picard: Data Tom: Data: Picard. Nice to meet you. >Data: Their shield won't resist our weapons. Crow: You mean those rocks and twigs that you call torpedos and phasers? >Admiral Piett: That's a lie! Fire all batteries on that ship. Mike: And the Enterprise was destroyed by a barrage of 'Energizers'. Tom: If that bunny can defeat the Dark Side, it sure as hell can take care of a piddly pleasure yacht. Mike: Tom! Language! Tom: What are you complaining about? At least it's English! >Picard: Admiral, we come in peace. Crow: Yes, we just want to infect your galaxy with our fascist regime. >Data: All their ships are firing at us. Tom: They should get out of there. Most ships perform evasive maneuvers when fired upon. Mike: Not the Enterprise. Crow: Why not? Mike: Because that would prove that the Federation has common sense. >A moment after. >Riker: We still didn't feel a thing. Tom: My guess is that it's too small for her. Mike: Tom! Tom: Well, it's true! >Picard: Return fire. >Data: Yes, sir. >On the view screen we see the Enterprise-E torpedos hitting the ISDs and >destroying them. Tom: He's really good at writing fantasy. Crow: He might be the next Tolkien. Mike: Doubtful. He has to learn English first. >Data: They are all destroyed, sir. Mike: Those cockroaches won't pester us any more! >Picard: Well this is sad, but we will make our report to Starfleet. Crow: I wonder what he's going to say. >Riker: What are you going to say. Crow: Damn, he beat me to it. Tom: You shouldn't use the word 'beat' while referring to the author. Mike: That's just sick, Tom. Tom: It's true! I have video! >Picard: That we went in the Galaxy 666 and we saw the devil. But we sent > him back to hell. Tom: Ohh, how clever. Crow: Yes, this just shows how much of a biased idiot he really is. Mike: I guess this makes the Federation "God" in his eyes. Crow: Paul's God is The Unspeakable One. Mike: Who is that? Crow: I can't say. If I do, he'll come back. Tom: Good point. *...2....3...4...5...6...door Mike: So what did we learn today? Tom, Crow (Grappling with toy) Sharing with others is bad. Mike: As this fanfic proves. I guess you two will have to fight it out. Crow: Hah! An easy victory. Tom: Cowardly p'tak! You have no honor! Mike: Stop that, Tom! You sound like Paul. Tom: NOOOOO, GOD, NOOOOOOOO! Crow (Snatching Falcon) Hah! I win! (Light flashes) (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: (typing) Roby, Roby, Roby! You shouldn't... try to counter... my superior arguments! Send! So, my little booboocitos, you survived another one. I'm beginning to think I'm being too easy on you. But don't worry, there's a lot more in...the VAULT! Frank: (Maniacal cackling) You got that right, dearie. Dr. Forrester: Frank! I thought I told you never to call me that when I'm on! Frank: Sorry, sweetums! All Star Trek characters property of Paramount Picture$. All Star Wars characters property of Lucasfilm. Second Contact created by Paul Jacques H, Jr. All items related to Mystery Science Theater 3000 property of Best Brains, Inc. MiSTing performed by Rob Dalton. All rights reserved. (Stinger) Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of Nine.