*...2....3...4...5...6...door Mike: Hi everyone welcome to the satellite of love. You've caught us in the middle of another deep study of cinema. So what exactly is the situation Tom? Tom: Well you see Mike, Leonardo DeCaprio dies in every film in which he's the romantic lead; you know, Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, and so on. Crow: Right but Bill Paxton will die in any movie where he's armed. Tom: Right, so the question is, who is more likely to die? Mike: Hmm, interesting, but I'm not too sure how to measure that. Crow: Okay, here's the scenario. Jurassic Park 3: The Reconning. Bill Paxton, security guard, and Leonardo, romantic lead, are stuck on foot in the middle of the park. A rumbling is heard, and suddenly a T-rex comes running around the corner, leans down, and swallows a little hooded boy in one gulp, causing Leo to yell "Oh, my God he killed Kenny!" which attracts the dino's attention. Bill and Leo need to get back to base so that Bill can quit and Leo can dump the girl, or else they're dead. Who would make it back alive? Mike: Interesting question...We'll be right back. (commercial) Mike: Why doesn't Bill just throw down the gun? It saved him in True Lies. Crow: No, you see Mike, he threw it down and was completely humiliated by Schwarzenegger instead. No dinosaur would ever do that. (light flashes) Tom: Oops, better wait, Jim Cameron is calling. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester:(typing) I've always been.... a great admirer.... of your work. Send! Well, Nelson, you'll never believe who I came across in the newsgroup today? Give up? The devil! Yes, lucifer himself is in fact posting to the very same newsgroup I am! (SOL) Crow: Oh get real! Tom: I'm sure the devil has way too many things to do than to waste time talking to you! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Lies! All Lies! It is him, I know! There's a twinge of evil that happens every time I read his posts. (SOL) Mike: (snickering) Sir, I doubt the supreme lord of evil would truly spend any time talking in usenet. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Oh, that's it Nelson! That's it!!! You know, I wasn't going to do this, but now I think a little lesson needs to be learned. A little something from the man who gave you Janeway's Surprise. (SOL) Crow: No! Not more Janeway! Mike: I'm sorry for everything. Please no more! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Too late Beelze-bubs, prepare for some severe hurting. No Janeway I'm afraid, but general vileness. It makes up for it's short length by sheer potent idiocy. In fact, it's the only fanfic mentioned specifically by the Geneva Convention. Well, let's ask Frank about it, he read it earlier. Frank? Frank: Mommy! I'll clean my room mommy!!!!!! Dr. Forrester: Yes, ounce for ounce the worst fanfic ever written, and it's coming your way Nelson! Second Contact! (SOL) Tom: What? Oh that doesn't sound so bad. A borg story? (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: No Borg. (SOL) Crow: Ah, but time travel, eh? (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: No time travel either. (SOL) Mike: Ah, it must have something to do with Zephram Cochrane and his life. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: I'm sorry, wrong again. Three strikes and you're out I'm afraid. Yes, you'll learn a little something about bad touches in today's story, Second Contact. Keep your shields up Nelson, you'll need them. (SOL) Mike, Tom, Crow: Oh, we've got fanfic sign! 6...5...4...3...2...* >From: he791859@merlin.uqam.ca (PAUL JACQUES H.JR) > >SECOND CONTACT Tom: Please tell me it's the sequel to Contact. Mike: No such luck. Tom: Aw crap. >Data: Our slipstream travel has been successful captain. >We are in the galaxy 666. Crow: (singing)We're on a highway to hell! Mike: You don't suppose this is going to have something to do with Satan do you? Tom: Maybe the author sold him his soul to make people like this fanfic. Mike: There are some things even the devil can't do. >Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of >Nine. Crow:(as Seven) Computer, increase breast size by twenty percent. Tom: (as computer) Warning: such an increase will exceed fabric tolerance limits. Crow:(as Seven) Override, Authorization seven of nine t & a protocol. >Riker: 10,000 LY in 1 second! I am happy that Voyager came >back a month ago. Tom: And even happier the Romulans blew 'em up. >Data: Captain, I am picking up nine big ships. Mike: Oh good, they should end this story pretty quick. >Picard: On screen > >On the view screen appears 8 Imperial Star Destroyers with >one Super Star Destroyer. Tom: (as Picard) Empire Strikes Back? I love this movie! >Data: They are trying to communicate with us captain. > >Picard: Open a channel M. Data. Mike: (as Picard) Find something with Jerry Lewis in it. >On the view screen, a man appears. > >Admiral Piett: I am admiral Piett and you will surrender >your ship to us or else. Crow: Doesn't sound quite like the standard Imperial hail does it? Mike: "Or else"? Why don't I think that real military leaders talk this way? Tom: Cause it's just a really stupid fanfic? Mike: Oh, that's right. Thank you. >Data: They are powering up their weapons captain. I've >scan them and they are no threat to us... Tom: What?!!! There's nine freakin' stardestroyers! Each is over twice as long as your ships! They can just crash into you if they want, you'll be like a possum under an eighteen-wheeler! Mike: Tom, settle down. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, let me speak on behalf of all robots, androids, and artificial life by saying that Data does not represent the mental skills we possess. He is obviously malfunctioning. >They are firing on us. > >Picard: Shield on. Crow: Nice timing. Probably would've been better when they threatened to BLOW YOU UP! >A few moments after. > >Riker: have we been hit? Mike: Would you like to be? Crow: Oo, oo, me first! >Data: Yes, sir. > >Riker: We didn't feel a thing. Tom: (as Data) Because we're dead sir. >Data: Their weapons don't use NDF, only direct transfers. >They could not go through are navigational shield. Mike: But, you just said it hit you. Tom: And by hit, of course, I mean, not hit. Crow: Mike, Servo, I can no longer sit here and have the author insult my intelligence. I'm outta here. (walks off) Tom: Crow! You can't leave the theater, Dr. Forrester will kill you! Crow: If so, it's better this way. >Picard: Open a channel M. Data. Mike: He's really not coming back. Tom: He'll come back. >Admiral Piett: What is this, you ship wasn't damage. Mike: Oh wait, we forgot to turn them on. >Picard: Your technology can affect us. Tom: Hmm, interesting subconscious mistake. Mike: He had to say the truth. Every time he tells a lie another hair falls out. >Admiral Piett: Impossible! Are calcs proves us otherwise. Mike: I really don't think he's coming back. Tom: This has never happened before. >Picard: Don't force us to fire back. Tom: We've got you outnumbered one to nine! >Admiral Piett: We have shields you know. > >Picard: Data > >Data: Their shield won't resist our weapons. Mike: What?!! Tom: You know what, I'm outta here too. Mike: Wait! You can't leave me in here by myself! Tom: Sorry man. If you survive, I hope we meet again. (walks off) >Admiral Piett: That's a lie! Fire all batteries on that >ship. Mike: No wonder they're not penetrating, they're firing batteries at it. (pauses) Guys, I can't do this by myself! >Picard: Admiral, we come in peace. Mike: Our purpose is to seek out new life and condescend to it. >Data: All their ships are firing at us. > >A moment after. > >Riker: We still didn't feel a thing. Mike: (as Riker) Even I don't believe this crap and I'm in it! >Picard: Return fire. Mike: Why are you shooting? I thought they couldn't hurt you? This is making less and less sense by the minute. >Data: Yes, sir. Mike: What? So Data's operating the helm and the sensors and the communications and the weapons? Apparently Starfleet has been downsizing. >On the view screen we see the Enterprise-E torpedos >hitting the ISDs and destroying them. > >Data: They are all destroyed, sir. Mike: (as Picard) Good. Computer, end program. >Picard: Well this is sad, but we will make our report to >Starfleet. > >Riker: What are you going to say. Mike: The truth. We violated half a dozen laws of physics and then blew up enemy ships which apparently were no threat to us simply because we didn't like them. Why, is there something wrong with that? (pauses) Guys, I'm dying in here! >Picard: That we went in the Galaxy 666 and we saw the >devil. Mike: And he put a magic spell on our ship so no one could hurt us. >But we sent > him back to hell. Mike: Where they're forced to read this fanfic. > *...2....3...4...5...6...door Mike: You know it really wasn't nice for you guys to abandon me in the theater. I mean, that's what you were built for. Crow: Yeah Mike, but like all machines, we have our design tolerance limits. Tom: Right, you know, a bridge can only hold so much weight before it will collapse. Well, we can only tolerate so much total and absolute stupidity before our programs shut down. Crow: Yeah, and while we've been pushed to the brink before, today was the first time we ever had to impliment our failsafes. Mike: Wow, I never realized your programs were that adaptive. Tom: Sure. But don't sell yourself short. You humans have your own ways of dealing with traumatic instances. Crow: Yeah. Repressed memories, a nervous tick, you know. Mike: Yeah, I suppose. So, when do you think Dr. F will send us the experiment? (silence) Tom: Mike, we've already gotten the experiment. Mike: No we didn't. Crow: Mike we di... Mike: (covering ears) No! No fanfic, no!!! Tom: Mike, settle down. Mike: (hitting side of head) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Crow: Quick! Get some prozac or something! Mike: (beating head on table) Mommy! I'll clean my room mommy!!!!! (light flashes) (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: So you put in a lot of work with your job? Devil: Hell of a lot. Ha ha ha! But seriously, you don't know the half of it. Dr. Forrester: Lots of soul buying I'd imagine? Devil: Oh, man! They're coming out of the woodwork! Pamela Anderson wants to be taken seriously as an actress! Hey I'm the devil, not God! Dr. Forrester: You know you've always been an inspiration for me. Devil: Well, you know, despite the bad press I do try to be a role model. Dr. Forrester: That's so true, so many young mad scientists need someone to look up to, to remind them of what they're digging up cemetaries for. The thought of one day trying to take over the world. Devil: Yeah, pretty common request. Dr. Forrester: You know, um, I wouldn't mind.... Devil: Hey, Clay, I like you, you remind me of me back in the sixth century, but I've already sold that one. Dr. Forrester: To who? Devil: Bill Gates. Dr. Forrester: Really? Devil: Yeah. Oh, and the Disney company. Dr. Forrester: Wait a minute, you sold it twice. Devil: Why not, who are they gonna gripe to? Dr. Forrester: Oh, you are an inspiration! Devil: Hey, just doing my job. Dr. Forrester: Would you do one thing for me? It would be such a thrill. Devil: Hey, who you talking to here? You're like a son to me. Dr. Forrester: (sniff) Would you...push the button? Devil: I don't know... no B-99 5000 this week is there? Dr. Forrester: Ha ha ...ha....I thought we weren't going to discuss that. (POOOF) All Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount. All Star Wars characters are the property of Lucasfilm. Second Contact created by Paul Jacques H. Jr. All items related to Mystery Science Theater 3000 are property of Best Brains, Inc. MiSTing performed by Chuck Sonnenburg. All rights reserved (Stinger)Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of Nine.