Newest: Bill and Jim take on "Lies from the SW camp," Paul's latest failure! From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Date: 22 Jul 2000 09:43:57 GMT Subject: [HUMOR] RE: Reason why Empire would not scratch a single Federation ship. (Note from the superior power: I couldn't resist the temptation. I tried...and I tried, but the call was just too darn strong.) Two grungy cowboys high on the New Mexico desert sat around a campfire. The last time they lived was 100 years ago...in the Wild West. However, by some freak accident, they wound up in the twentieth century. As they finished a nutritious meal of rattlesnake and grits, one of them downloaded the following into his surprisingly modern PDA.. "Well, sheeeit! Lookie here, Bill." Jim said. "What the hell is this?" Bill asked, spitting on the ground." "Looks like ol' Paul's been at the peace-pipe once too often. And, it look's like he's made a new friend too." "Damn . . . and I thought they locked him up good at the nuthouse." "It's God's own truth, pardner. Here...read this!": ============================== Paul in a fit of mindless idiocy pulled over . . . . >Bratschitsch (abratschitsch@home.com) wrote: > The weapon used by ships in the Empire is the Laser. "Did that kid come from hillbilly stock? I thought thems were turbolasers." > This weapon does >: ABSOLUTELY NO DAMAGE to Federation ships. > I will quote Picard from "The >: Outrageous Okona": "By golly, I thought the fallacy of Outrageous Okona had been beaten to death long ago." "Well, you know what happens when there's inbreedin' in the family." "Damn, that's disgusting. Stupid kid don't know what a laser is, and a turbolaser ain't no laser." "Guess he wonders why the laser pointer his ma got 'im fer his birthday don't fly slowly to the wall in a visible line of red light." "Kid needs to learn how to read. Then he could read the FAQ and get a clue." "He prolly couldn't make any sense of it anyway." >: Now, the Federation would destroy the Empire very quickly, here's why: >: >: Imperial Ships do not have deflector shields. ::Both men fall off their logs, rolling in laughter. Bill burns his ass on the campfire.:: "Hot damn, that hurts! Damned kid ain't watched a minute of Star Wars did he?" "Lemme look it up on my fancy-schmansy mini-DVD player." (From ROTJ) Aboard the Executor: Nameless officer: "Sir, the bridge shields are down!" Imperial Admiral: "Reinforce the forward shields, I don't want anything getting through!" (As the cameras leave to watch the crippled A-Wing racing to turn the Executor into a lawn-dart...) Imperial Admiral: ::Smacks head.:: Damn! I forgot, we never HAD any shields to begin with! How could I be so stupid! I must be smoking crack!" Nameless Officer: "And we must have the luck of the Irish to survive so long in a firefight, since there are dozens of Rebel STARSHIPS and hundreds of Rebel FIGHTERS SHOOTING at US, AND we don't have any shields AND we have the speed and agility of a municipal stadium!" >"The >: Nth Degree", it was stated that if a ship was withing 3,000 km of a Photon >: Torpedo blast without Shields, it would be destroyed. "Well, sheeeeit, accordin' to my fancy city-folk computer here..." (1) Photon torpedo: 64.4 megaton yield. (TM.) 64.4 MT = 2.7E+17 joules. Radiation of photorp at 3000 km: 2.7E+17 / (4*Pi*3000000m^2) = 2.3 kJ / m^2 Area of E-D: ~(150X600) = 90000 m^2 (running away from torpedo.) Total energy absorbed: 207 MJ "Well, sheeeit, that means that ONE phaser blast (TM) at 1.02 GJ will destroy the ole' Enterprise with it's shields out." "Hot damn, never seen that happen before. And ain't a week goes by that they don't git their shields knocked out." >: Therefore, in a battle, 1 Torpedo could easily take out half if not all of >: the Imperial Navy. "Hot damn, and I thought the collective Imperial Navy had the firepower to destroy a planet." "And since any idiot would design a ship to withstand firepower similar to it's own...one photon torpedo can destroy an entire planet." "Well, sheeit, never seen a torpedo do that before." >: Guess what else? That means 1 >Torpedo will destroy the Death >star "Hot damn, and I thought the Death Star survived blowing up Alderaan." "By this fella, we can't be right! And by this fella's logic, either we're on acid, or Alderaan was a planet made out of paper" "How the hell does that argument relate to his last one?" "How should I know..I ain't never been dropped on my head when I was a lil' one." >: The Empire, while very cool, has significantly less advanced technology >than >: the Federation. "Paul Jacques H. Jr. has taught you well, young grasshopper." "Yeah, never offer arguments with clear support." "Hell, never offer arguments with support at all." "Only use the stuff that makes you look good." "And to hell with the rest, even at the expense of accuracy." "Accuracy . . . Paul? Sheeit, that must violate at least two basic laws of the universe." > Note: I am a Star Wars fan, I just don't see anyway the Empire would >: survive a war against the Federation. "Wars fan? Hell, it don't look like he's ever seen any of the movies." >Congratulation Tony. You spoke the truth. "According to Paul . . . whose hobbies include hitting the peace-pipe when the men in white suits and butterfly nets ain't looking for him." >Welcome to this NG. "Though after a post like that, don't be surprised none if anybody don't think much highly of you." "Given that Paul thinks highly of the poor kid . . . " "Damn, since Paul's as smart as a sunflower, that must make this kid an azalea!" > If you are >flames by too many people >because of your views "And because you, like me, possess the logical faculties of a rainbow trout..." "And lack the language proficiency of a ten-year-old." >then join the NRWD "the Nonsense Ravings of a Wacko Dipshtick." >A faq >that takes into account the views of all. "...those with the scientific knowledge and debating skills of field mice." "Hey, Bill, are y'all thinking what I'm thinking?" "If it involves yer cousin Kayla . . . then I'm thinking it." "No, you stupid idiot!" Jim cocked his shotgun. "I think it's time we do some huntin'...some troll-huntin'" "Hot damn!" The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ************************************************************************ Subject: Re: August vote about combination of technologies. Date: 02 Aug 2000 09:33:48 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Whoops, forgot to add a disclaimer. ::In dull flat voice.:: "Though threads containing a reasonable combination of technologies might exist, it will most likely evolve into a giant uncontrollable monster. We believe that such a thread will likely degenerate into a Paul Jacques-style NRWD troll rendezvous. With that in mind, we move on to tonight's segment:" Up in cattle country, our cowboy heroes, Jim and Bill opened up another piece of mail. This time, it was a hilarious piece by Elim Garak... >Look, guys, it is pretty clear that a blanket rule on this issue would just >close down half of the vs. debates around here. Jim: "I know all about them debates. Like 'fifty Federation-built Dreadnought warheads vs. 1 ISD'?." Bill: "I know, I know . . . like 'genesis/Borg nanoprobe device vs. a Corellian Corvette'!" >How about simply creating a separate debate category on >this issue, with a FAQ rule that combining technology in it is acceptable to >a certain point. Jim: "That is, the point that would ensEEUre Trek's INEVITABLE victory against Wars." ::Spits in campfire.:: >This way those who don't want the technology combinations Bill: "Or don't wish to die laughing over the absurd abuses of unlikely alliances to come out of such threads?" >they can have a new tag or something. [COMB] or something like that. Jim: "Like *NRWD*?" Bill: "Y'all know it sounds just like it." ::Both guzzle beer and belch as we fade to a commercial:: The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ************************************************************************ Subject: Re: ST vs SW Galaxy size Date: 17 Aug 2000 06:24:56 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars High up in the Wyoming desert, Bill and Jim read the following from Trekboy02 . . . >I have been reading posts by people Jim: "Looking for purty pictures." Bill: "Especially pictures of Leia and Amidala 'nacked'." Jim: "Nekkid," Bill: "Naked, and together." >who claim that SW is more advanced >becuase their ships cross their galaxy, when ST ships can't. Bill: "But, but, didn't Han Solo say he went from one side of the galaxy to the other?" Jim: "Something Janeway can't do in her lifetime." >Has anyone considered that we know the size of the Milky >Way. Jim: "Yep, we do. Do you?" >We don't know the size of SW's galaxy. Bill: "Shucks, boy, y'all don't get out much do you? We know that perfectly well. It's 120,000 ly across." Jim: "Which is larger than the 100,000 ly of the Milky Way . . . oops, you know the size of the Milky Way now." Bill: "Consider yerself ed-eyoo-cated!" >As far as we know it could >be the size of the Alpha Quadrant or smaller Jim: "Y'all have never read any Star Wars books, have you?" Bill: "If he can read at all," (Laughs, crushing a beercan on his forehead.) >Of course it could be >bigger too, Jim: "Ain't that the truth." >but you get my point. Bill: "Y'all have about as many points as a marble, kid." >It seems any points made about >crossing the SW galaxy are irrelevant due to lack of knoweldge. Bill: "Heh heh, yer lack of knowledge." (Belches.) Jim: "Yep, you lack the knowledge, so if y'all don't know it, then that mean that we don't know it." Bill: "That's what y'all get when ya marry yer sister." >It could >even be a micro-galaxy only a few centimeters across. LOL > Bill: "Did yer ma drop ya on yer haid when y'all were little? That's just plain stupid." The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ************************************************************************ Subject: Re: Krenim Weapon Ship ThingieVs the iMPS Date: 21 Aug 2000 06:12:37 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Bill and Jim crawled out of their sleepin' rolls, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, and groaning under the weight of the hangover over their heads. Jim did as all good cowboys did to cure a hangover, reaching for a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Bill: "Hey, Jim! Take a look at this here paper I found:" Trekboy02 asked for a lynching by posting the following absurdities: >CSONN.........Like I'm going to spend my time reading your irrelevant >Q&A for this group. Jim : "Well shit, it's our ole' friend Trekboy02." Bill : "Yeah, and look what he's spouting off on this time." Jim: "'Irrelevant Q&A?' By golly, I think he's talking about the FAQ!" Bill: "He ain't talkin' about it, he's pissin' on it." Jim: "Damn, ain't he ever heard of a tree?" Bill: "You kiddin'? Bet he has trouble thinkin' straight, with his mama droppin' him on his haid and all." Jim: "Yep, ignorin' the FAQ, it's like shootin' yerself in the foot with a huntin' rifle." > I'm going on pure logic. Jim: "Ain't no good without proof now, is it?" Bill: "Hey, hey, I've got logic fer ya: I've got a gun. The Borg die when shot with bullets, therefore I can shoot up the entire Collective and win!" Jim: "Yer doin' it all wrong, Bill! His logic's like this: I ain't never seen a grizzly bear before, an' I don't care if everybody sez it'll kill me. When I find one . . . I'm gonna punch it in the nose, an' it'll run away 'cause that's what I think'll happen." >Dismiss all books Bill: "Because they don't got many purty pictures." >and sort >out the screen time information. Jim: " 'I ain't watchin' all those doc-yoo-mentaries that say that grizzly bears are dangerous, I'm still gonna punch it in the nose.' " >DOH!!! Bill: "Mama drop ya on yer haid again?" >The parameters of this NG need >redifining Jim: "'Cause they say grizzly bears'll eat ya if ya punch 'em in the nose. Well, they're wrong, they gotta be rewritten so I can say I'll whup a grizzly bear in a fight without any e-vee-dence to back me up." Bill: "Or plain old common sense." >Screen time = Screen time. Jim: "Any more statements of the painfully obvious . . . like if you sit on a porcupine, yer ass'll be full of quills?" >Does any NG wanna go against the >Brakar?? Bill: "Hell, I'm drunk enough . . . I'll take 'em all on!" >Or Q, or the other next generation aliens?? Bill: "They ain't no match fer me!" Jim: "Shut up, Bill. Go russle us up a snake or somethin'" >I could write a SW >book Jim: "Wow, I didn't know ya had it in ya. You don't, but anyways." >saying my experimental ships do 200,000 light years in an hour and Bill: "Of course, his experimental ships will be Trek ships." >that doesn't make it so!! Jim: "Just because I can say I can whup a grizzly bear don't make it so either." Bill: "Y'all a blind bat, Trekboy02. Ain't you ever heard of e-vee-dence?" The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ************************************************************************ Subject: Re: Star Trek Will Always win!!! Date: 23 Aug 2000 04:50:27 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars ::Bill and Jim are sitting at their comfortable cabin in the Ozarks, after a long day of fishing.:: Staggering home after a long, hard day of engineering classes, I open my box and behold the dribble awaiting me from Trekboy02: >Crazy9000, first off, I wasn't bitching. Bill: And just what do y'all call your posting history to date? An intell-ee-gent dis-course? >Second of all, I'm not an >idiot, Jim: "Y'all just play one on TV, right?" >I know what Star Trek is Bill: "A love story between Janeway and a hologram?" > and isn't Jim: "Hardcore nudity." >other SW fans seem to thing >that after 20 years a film is suddenly gonna be phenomenal. Bill: "Y'all have never seen TPM, have ya?" >Oops wrong, Jim: "Yep, yep, admit yer problems. It's the first step to recovery." Bill: "The first of what . . . a million?" >George Lucas is a man writing a story Bill: "Heh heh, and so is Brannon Braga. Of course, he cain't write no good story." >Sorry to disappoint you! Jim: "We all understand if y'all can't display the intelligence of a possum." Bill: "Ain't that right. Y'all have a support group! His name is Paul." >TPM is >right in league with the other three movies Bill: "Which is in a league of movies that's in a bigger league than all nine Trek films put together." > and I bet the next two will >be the same. Jim: "Complete with rabid fans standing in long lines." >A six part story that is different yet the same in every >episode. Bill: "Y'all can't have it both ways, ya know." Jim: "Trust me, he don't." Bill: "Y'all have never heard of con-tin-yeooity, have you?" >No one stood in ST lines for weeks Jim: "That's right . . . y'all get a cookie." >then bad mouthed the movie. Bill: "Yep, they didn't stand in line, but they did bad-mouth the movies. Or did y'all fergit Star Trek I, Star Trek V, and Star Trek: Insurrection?" >And you can take that out of context Jim: "Y'all need a context fer us to take it out of first." > "No >one ever stood in line for more then a few minutes for a ST move." Bill: "Gee, I wonder why?" >That >is because ST fans are smarter. Jim: "They all wait for it to go on sale at the local convention for thirty bucks." >Who would do that for a movie thats a >prequel 20 years later?? Jim: "Y'all don't git out much, do ya?" >You SW people aren't the brightest bunch are >ya?? Bill: "That's coming from the dullest tool in the shed. I think he's trying to insult us, Jimmy boy!" >And I love SW Jim: "Y'all don't much behave like it." >I still can't get over how disappointed you >all were!! Bill: "Y'all need pro-fess-ional help." Jim: "Or a bottle of Jim Bean . . . if yer old 'nuff to hold yer likker." >Talk about building yourself up for the big fall, Jim: "Like yer doing now?" Bill: "I don't think he can much build himself anything, except a post full of hot air and cowpies." >"We've >been waiting 20 years Bill: "I've been saying that ever since TOS went off the air." >it should have been awe inspiring. Bill: "Fer that matter, I've said that about TNG and VOY too!" >It was >supposed to be the greatest thing ever!! Bill: "They ain't never going to beat TOS." >Boo-Hoo. Jim: "There, there. There ain't no need to cry. Just think, y'all are giving us two steady employment." >Star Trek has been >around for 30 something years Bill: "And y'all have been around fer what . . . one third of that time?" >and I'm not crying about how the latest >episode or movie let me down. Jim: "Yep, yer crying because nobody wants play nice with y'all." >Thats because I know one thing, human >beings are writing it, its gonna have its sucky moments Bill: "All six years of Voyager being a prime example." > Unless you all want to take over for George Lucas then its gonna >be, what a man his age writes, is gonna be. Jim: "Y'all ain't implying anything nice, are ya?" > I for one am working hard at >writing for ST. Jim: "So that's why Voyager's so bad!" Bill: "Y'all don't burn yourself out now, ya hear?" > Once I graduate Jim: "Junior high?" Bill: "Reform school?" >I plan on sending in scripts. Bill: "And they plan on usin' them to light their fires." Jim: "Or send them to needy Russians requirin' toilet paper." >And for >you people who are laughing, Bill: "Everything y'all say makes me laugh." >yes one more idiot writer. Jim: "Y'all got that right. That's two things y'all have done right in this post." Bill: "Ain't it lovely?" >But at least I >can't complain about what I write, Bill: "Because like some writers *cough**hack*Braga*hack**spit* y'all be stealing it from others, right?" >I'll leave that up to people with no >influence in NG's. Jim: "Like you? Y'all in a newsgroup, and y'all don't have any influence, other than making people mad at ya." >Oops sucks to be bitchers and whiners on a NG Bill: "Don't that sound like somebody we know?" >without >the drive to change things. Jim: "Y'all lay it on thick, don't ya? Y'all can stop telling us 'bout yerself. We don't care." >Awwww. >I'll say hi to Paramount and George for you all. Bill: "As their hauling yer ass to the courthouse to git a res-trainin' order on ya." >Like they'll care, Bill: "Yer mama didn't care about ya, given she dropped y'all on yer head." >both >money hungry corporations that will make anything "Canon" >if it suits >their needs. Jim: "Paramount?" Bill: "Paul?" Jim: "TOWNMNBS?" >I present the conflict in SW books Jim: "Y'all didn't think that we'd didn't fergit that y'all told us y'all have never read any of 'em did ya?" >and Voyager Bill: "Bet y'all want pictures of Janeway naked don't ya?" > to you all Jim: "Awww, ain't that cute? He's tryin' to be just like us?" Bill: "Y'all can at least try to say 'y'all' right!" >for evidence. Jim: "Y'all should be a bit more spee-cific . . . if it ain't beyond the ability fer a possum to be specific." >And if I don't make the cut Bill: "Though yer making yer way into a lot of killfiles." > then I'll be right back here >being the painful nanite in your cell. Jim: "Providing us with employment fer all of perpetuity . . . or at least until Paul resurfaces." The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ************************************************************************ Subject: Re: MicroJacques Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2000 17:14:20 GMT From: Ensign Jimmy Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Bill and Jim, having rode by the bleached white bones of Trekboy02, noticed a lengthy book, with frayed yellowing pages. On the cover, they could barely make out the words, "Teh Whild akording too PAUL JACQUES H.JR" PAUL JACQUES H.JR succeeded in proving his idiocy to the world in the following post: > Doomriser (BrendanStone83@hotmail.com) wrote: > : How to measure the Troll Radiation count of any SCI-FI debating forum or > : message in MicroJacques: > > I like it! Let's use the MicroEric measure of denial. Bill: Wonder where he got that one? Jim: Pulled it out of his ass, like most the numbers he quotes. > > : -Rebuttal of MW's or Saxton's calcs by Trekkies with a Grade 8 math > : background > > MW is the one running away from reason in the face of people who play > the game fairly. He still did not acknowledge ST shield reality by > one good debater in this NG. Proving that here even if you play fair > it doesn't count. For this I give 1500 MicroEric to Wong. Jim: This comes from Mister Specific himself. > : -Attempt to prove ST tech is superior because Wars technology isn't > : LED-encrusted, and looks "bulkier" or "primitive". > > Remember VISUAL evidence. I give a 7 MicroEric here. Bill: What, that Wars technology is encrusted with LEDs? Jim: Or when someone takes a light to yer ear, they can see it from he other side? > > : -Refusal to use SW official literature, even if it doesn't conflict with the > : canon. > > Can I use my dog's poop even if it doesn't conflict with canon evidence also? > Here I give 20 MicroEric. Bill: Given that half of what y'all say can be attributed to something with the intell-ee-gence of dog poop, looks like y'all do already. > > : -Statement that Wars canon and official is wrong because "it looks to me > : like..." > > You mean the use of LUCAS'material without his permission! Up to now, NO > ONE has proven the statement that official is valid (for war.) It is always > rumors and not fact. Here I give 5 MicroEric. Jim: I don't think he knows the definition of 'official', now does he? Bill: That's cuz he don't know much about anythang. > > : -Time a Trek debater quotes from a KJA novel immediately after saying to not > : use BDZ calcs because they're "not canon" or they "conflict with canon". > > Common sense! This one is to complex for me to explain. So I give 75 > MicroEcric here. Jim: If he can explain common sense at all. Bill: Of if he had any to begin with. > : -Claim that SW weapons are lasers, that hyperspace is 1.5 above lightspeed, > : that SW ships have no shields, etc... > > Again we use only what was SAID in the films and SEEN. If you must complain Jim: Y'all have never seen Star Wars have ya? Unless y'all think that the SW galaxy is as big as the so-lar sys-tem. > to someone then call Lucas. Here I give you 35 MicroEric. > > : -Statement that the Trek debaters are only using common sense and logic and > : then proceeding to state that Federation ships have teraton level firepower > > They have teratons level fire power. Remember the beam from the main deflector > dish. Here I give you 46 MicroEric. Bill: Thar he blows . . . hot air that is. > : -Quote that 'disproves common Warsie statements' from someone not qualified > : to speak on the issue. > : E.g. "Well Aunt Beru said the DS superlaser was 10 thousand watts!" > > Last time I checked. Quotes are part of the system we use here for facts. > Here I give you 40 MicroEric. Jim: Well, y'all can quote me here. 'Paul Jacques has the brain of a dead possum.' That's a quote, ain't it? Bill: It fits the ev-eee-dence we've seen too. > > : -Time TDiC is used as a quantifying measure of ST firepower > > Yes. Because the objective was to destroy the Founders. Common Sense! > Here I gave you 101 MicroEric. Bill: Y'all don't have much of a point here, do ya? > > : -Claim that Trek ships are better designed than Wars ones > > Yes. The bigger the ship then more ressources are into it. Meaning that Jim: The bigger they are, the harder they are to kill. Y'all go shoot a rabbit with a .22 pistol, then shoot a grizzly bear with that same pistol and tell me that ain't true. > once it is destroyed a lot of ressources are destroyed also. That one > is also to complex to explain. Here I give you 55 MicroEric. Bill: If y'all blow up 100 puny ships, that's just the same as blowing up one big, hard to kill ship. > : -Criticism of Warsie who fails to note a minor detail from a godawful > : episode of Voyager > > It is called debating! Something one should learn before comming here. > Here I give you 20 MicroEric. Jim: Like y'all fer instance? > : -Use of non-canon ST material being presented as evidence in a debate > > Why not? SW does it! Here I give you 32 MicroEric. Bill: That's cuz the ma-tee-rial we use is offi-shull! Jim: That's 'official' for the rest of y'all. > : -Argument of sentence semantics, e.g. "Fuly armed AND opperational > : battlestation?, well now let's take a closer look..." or "The DS superlaser > : is half the power of the Imperial starfleet OR the DS turbolasers..." > > Inventing things I see. This I give you 124 MicroEric. Jim: Oh, oh, but that's from QUOTES! Didn't y'all just say quotes were OK? Bill: I refer y'all to Jim's quote above. > : 1000 MicroJacques for > : > : -Insisting that the Federation ground forces could defeat the Empire's. > > Common Sense! With Houdinis it is even more easy. This I give you > 12 MicroEric. Bill: Now it's time fer Paul to invent stuff. Them Houdinis ain't Federation tech. Jim: I guess you ain't ever seen a Star Trek episode before either. > > : -Every CG rendered picture of the Enterprise blowing a hole through the > : Executor presented as evidence in a debate > > Since we can see it it means it is evidence. I give you 60 MicroEric for > that one. Jim: Now that's just proof y'all have the brains of a dead possum. Bill: It ain't rendered by Lucas, ain't it. > : -Insisting that Trek shuttles can withstand bombardment from anything more > : than a light TL (100,000 MJ for insisting that it can withstand a DS blast) > > Yes! With PHASECLOAK technology. Again I give you 101 MicroEric. Bill: Can y'all prove that phase-cloak would work on a shuttle? Jim: It don't work very well on full-sized starships. > : -Using one's own highly questionable abilities as a benchmark for measuring > : SCI-FI universes > : "Well, I can hit ping pong balls at 300 yards with a musket so stormtroopers > : must be trained at the institute for the blind! Huh huh huh!" > > It is called CONSISTENCY! Something you know when you have a BRAIN. This > one is so bad that I give you 200 MicroEric. Bill: Yep project yer experience, as a brain-dead possum with no military experience, upon that of trained military personnel. Jim: And expect it to work. -- The One, the Only, Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy. ************************************************************************ Subject: [HUMOR} RST2K Extravaganza Date: 18 Sep 2000 09:09:03 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Watching Cock Rocket aka. The Choda Master aka. Tim aka. "I seek to demonstrate a MicroJacques field strength higher than that of Paul Himself." And his friend Weyoun the Dancing Dipstick aka. Chevron 9 aka. "I am the second most annoying idiot on ASVS." has produced many unfriendly feelings towards both of 'em. Since neither has the cranial capacity necessary to write posts long enough to do a decent RST2K, the Management has trolled to group to cull the best vignettes. And now...the show... ::Banjos play country intro.:: Jim: "Dayum, ya go off huntin' possums an' bears fer a week and look what happens!" ::Opens a mailbox riddled with shotgun blasts, a pile of paper falls out.:: Bill: ::Picks up a paper.:: "Who is this 'Cock Rocket'? fella?" Jim: "I do think that's the question of the day.." Pablo Sanchez writes: "Is Cock Rocket gay?" Bill: "I shure don't know. An I don't want to find out either." Jim: "Wonder what dem others had to say." Stowbridge writes: "Right now he is in the process of trying to prove to himself that he is not gay." Bill: "By hitting on every man he can find." Jim: "Y'all will just have to see fer yerselves:" "Skinny, I should have an easy time with you then. ", Cock Rocket to Mark Berger. "Are you coming on to me? Guys, he's creeping me out now!", Mark Berger, talking about Cock Rocket. Jim: "Hey, look at what I found!" Commander Thelea writes: "It's an insult to real homosexuals to suggest that he might be gay." Jim: "As it is an insult to idiots to suggest that he might be one of them too." "I would propose that he is to stupid to own or be a master to anything other than a dog." Bill: "Even a dog can beat him at chess." Jim: "And the dog can beat him at fetch too!" Bill: "A dog could beat Cock Rocket at anything. Hell, a brain-dead possum could beat Cock Rocket at anything." Cock Rocket had this to say in his defense: "You fucking morons. You worship me." Bill: "Dee-lusions of gran-deur." Jim: "Y'all can't say Cock Rocket's gay, but he does make Paul look smart." Bill: "Lookie here. Cock Rocket shows his 'sensitive' side in this here letter." Cock Rocket wrote: "Thanks people, for being pussies and not keeping on usenet." Bill: "What the hell? That sentence must've been written by a dead rabbit!" "Proof I beat your ass." Jim: "Must be talkin' to himself." Bill: "Y'all know that beatin' yer own ass just ain't right." "Now the phone company wanted to know what was up," Bill: "Cock Rocket's phone bill." " after I asked them a few questions...." Jim: "Fer example, 'Why is the sky blue?' or, 'what's this thing between my legs?'" Bill: "Or, 'Why does everybody hate me?'" "I had to tell them what was going on" Bill: "That wild bears broke into my house and made long-deestance calls to China." "so the called the police." Jim: "Awww, he thinks he's a victim. Ain't that just the darndest thing?" "Sorry guys," Bill: "Please say y'all be apologizing fer yer existence." "They posted personal information of mine." Jim: "And I spent five hours cryin' to mommy." Bill: "Though it's public do-main." Jim: "'And I brought it on myself. I'm such a dirty, dirty troll.' Hey, I got something to make y'all feel better. If y'all go punch a grizzly bear on the snout, that'd make it all better." Bill: "Hey, look here. I think I might see a rea-son why Cock Rocket's so bitter!" "You are still a fucking a pussy. Are you a Jap too?" Jim: "A-fucking a pussy. Why I do believe he ain't never done that." Bill: "It's okay to be a virgin. Y'all don't have to take out yer frustration on us." Jim: "Of course, after letting it slip, he just had to say this in his defense." "If you were a real man" Bill: "Unlike me." "I can get women to give up their snatch without going on dates or spending money on them," Jim: "I just club 'em and drag 'em by their hair back to my home under the bridge." "hence women are basically useless." Bill: "Cause they don't want to have anything to do with me . . . and that just makes me want to cry." "This proves I also have more money than you as well," Jim: "That's an argument worthy of our old friend Trekboy." Bill: "Yep, part A don't have anything to do with part B." "I do not need to spend my money some ungrateful bitch who is probably a lesbo anyway."" Jim: "Since, I, as a suu-preme 'hax0r' have access to all the porn I can hide from mommy." Bill: "'hax0r' That boy cain't hack his way out of a wet paper bag with a bowie knife." Jim: "Goes to show you that his mommy dropped him on his haid when he was a little'un." The self-proclaimed Kirk of ASVS had this to say about Cock Rocket's hacking skills: "hehe, he's just showing off his l337 h4x0r ski!!z :) He know's how to look up phone numbers! We're doomed!! :)" Jim: "Wow...I can look up phone numbers too." Bill: "Hot damn! That makes you a 'master h4x0r." Robert Williams took a different view to Cock Rocket's hacking skills: "That's impossible. You'd need to own some brain cells to be able to to do that." Bill: "Whoa, Jim. Take a look. Cock Rocket has become The Choda Master." Jim: "Even someone with as few workin' brain cells as him knows when he's screamin' at the walls of killfiles." Bill: "Amazin, ain't it?" Jim: "What's amazing is that his brain can muster the ee-lectrical energy necessary to operate a keyboard." Bill: "Hmmm, 'Choda Master'. Reminds me of the scien-tifically accepted deesciption of Paul's appearance." Jim: "Yep, a 12 foot wide by 6 foot tall penis." Bill: "Mighty appropriate too...given that Cock Rocket has a head he cain't think with." Pablo Sanchez had this to say about Cock Rocket's intelligence: "I'm not a trekkie, and an ass is not a pussy. Maybe that's why your girlfriend ran away, because you can't tell the difference." Jim: "Of course, Cock Rocket, having the brains of roadkill doesn't have much of a vo-ca-bulary neither," Memorable Cock Rocket philosophy: "the fact that you need to netcop is proof that you are a pussy. " "You couln't fight your way out of a paper sack, pussy. " "fucking gutless pussies. You worship me." "Fucking pussies, netcopping shows you have no balls. " Bill: "Y'all see what we mean?" Jim: "Yawp, all he can say is 'pussy.'" Bill: "At least he knows how to describe himself." Jim: "Admitting y'all have a problem is the first step toward healing." The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy ================================ Subject: Re: Lies from the SW camp. Date: 25 Apr 2001 02:41:48 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars And now, we present to you: The Pre-Finals Week Edition of Redneck Science Theatre 2000 ( . . . and 1) Jim: "So, what'all's came with the postman fer today?" Bill: "Other than Ol' Man Dick's mangy mongrel hangin' off his backside?" Jim: "Yep." Bill: "Lemme see, err 'Eveeedence Elim-inater.'" Jim: "Dayum, that's the fourth time this week!" Bill: "Hmmm, well, hot dayum!" Jim: "What? What y'all lookin' at?" Bill: "Why, it's another letter from our ol' friend Paul!" Jim: "Hot damn! Open that puppy up!" PAUL JACQUES H.J R scribbled rabidly from a 6X6 cell in a mental institution somewhere: : >While I was watching SW episode one. Bill: "He actually watched Star Wars!" Jim: "Hot dayum, the world must be comin' to an end!" >Something came into my attention. Jim: "A snake had wriggled down my pants." Bill: "And died." Jim: "Of gangrene." >The most damage a blaster did was to make a hole the size of zip disk. Jim: "That's purty damn impressive. I wouldn't like a hole the size of a 'zip' disk in me!" Bill: "Like the hole in the top of Paul's haid?" >With all the shots seen Bill: "As it was time for Paul's annual rabies shots." Jim: "Which was really swamp water." >I was surprise Jim: "That my snout sticks out so far?" Bill: "To find that my ass was so hairy." Jim: "An' that thar was a waggin' tail sticking out of it." >that no one in this NG never >made the connection with the Mike Wong theory of the power of High >turbolaser! Bill: "He actually read anything by Mike Wong?" Jim: "Did I just see four ghostly horsemen?" >Mr. Wong used, to evaluate the power of HTL, the volume >approach. Jim: "The bigger the better." >Meaning based on the size of the gun that vaporized the >asteroids, he made the conclusion that the power should be in the E19J >range. >But if I use the same logic, Jim: "After turning it upside down and shaking it real hard." >using the volume of a simple blaster >and the volume of a zip disk as damage. I arrive for the HTL power at >much less. Bill: "Hot dayum! He's tryin' to use a hand blaster to eval-u-ate a TURBOLASER?" Jim: "Dayum! That's like comparin' stepping on a cockroach, to hittin' a bear on the nose." Bill: "Naked." Jim: "With pork underwear!" The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy =========================== Subject: [HUMOR] "Life or no life?" Redneck style. Date: 19 Aug 2001 04:29:31 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars This Redneck Science Theatre 2000 (+1) short brought to you by: "Barnacle Bob's Seaweed Ice Cream." Aaaakle (Hereby 'Ol' halfie' . . . from his e-mail addy.) mindlessly dribbled the following kidney stones of anti-wisdom: >Subject: Life or no life? Bill: "To live, or not to live, that is the question." Jim: "In this fella's case, we're hopin' fer the latter." >From: halfounce@ganja.com Bill: "A fitting description of the size of his brains." >Having just found your group Jim: "Lose it! Lose it!" >I feel it is my duty as a Bill: "Bonehead?" Jim: "Projectile vomiter?" Bill: "Polecat?" Jim: "Crack-smokin' donkey fucker?" >American Bill: "Alligator!" Jim: "Possum!" Bill: "Pie!" >to set >a little test for you guys Jim: "Number one: What is yer name? The End!" Bill: "'Fraid not." >The level of Nerdness here is Bill: "Godly." Jim: "Magically delicious!" >unfuckin Bill: "What intell-ee-gent people wish yer mom did thirteen years ago." >believable Jim: "A word that doesn't describe you." >OK here we go Jim: "Down the gullet of a gator?" Bill: "Off a cliff?" >What gets you hot? Jim: "Tobasco sauce!" Bill: "Live volcanic eruptions!" Jim: "Habenero peppers!" Bill: "Flamethrowers!" >1. 1701D firing a full spread? Jim: "Of bull-sheeeit? That sounds like 1701D alright." >2. Catherine Zeta Jones with her legs spread? Bill: "Ol' halfie's midnight wet-dream." >Whats a Pussy? Jim: "You?" >1. Datas Cat Bill: "Spot." >2. Female sexual organ Jim: "Coot." >Do you have a girlfriend? Jim: "I'd bet he'd include 'blow-up' doll in that there description." Bill: "Yes, and y'all may not have 'er picture." >1. Yes Bill: "Not an answer Ol' halfie here could give." >. I did have, but she finished with me as I always Jim: "Shoot before gettin' outta my britches?" Bill: "Have fantasies with Barbie dolls?" Jim: "Declare my undying love to members of the same sex?" >put my plastic >models before her Bill: "Funny, ma gal always got excited when I put plastic 'models' in front of her!" >3. I did, but the lad at school is shagging her now coz I was too busy Jim: "Gettin' gang-raped by the football team?" Bill: "Dancin' the night away at the Blue Oyster?" >4. Whats a girl? Bill: "Someone who dropped ya on yer haid when you was little." >How long do you spend on the computer? Bill: "Fer Ol' halfie here, the question should be: 'How long should I *not* spend on the computer?'" >6. All day with maybe 3 hours sleep if I have to. Bill: "And that there is the right answer!" >What would you be expecting to do on most Friday nights? > Jim: "In ol' halfounce's case, givin' his haind a good workout." >1. Out with mates getting completely drunk Bill: "Knowin' that anybody is purty after six beers." >2. At mates house doing a few spliffs and a line or two Jim: "Are y'all aware that yer crack is laced with Tide?" >3. Out with Girlfriend Bill: "Stretched out in his case." >4. Out watching Girlfriend get shagged by the local bully Jim: "And much to his dismay, she's enjoying it." >weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Then over to my favourite porn thumb >site for masturbation Bill: "At least Ol' halfie's honest." >What is more important? Jim: "Makin' sure y'all don't piddle in the gene puddle." >1. My family Bill: "Threw him out on his ass. Then he pestered" >2. Me Bill: "Forcin' me to give him a taste of birdshot. An' that made him meet the" >3. The almighty Bill: "Who turned out to be a" >geek who Bill: "Confused 'im fer a chicken an' bit off his haid. The End!" Jim: "No mercy yet." >*sigh* my >hero! Bill: "Bubba?" Jim: "Neil Diamond?" Bill: "Crack." >4. My calculations!!! Jim: "Indicate that y'all have an intelligence of" > 3 >Do you Bill: "Want to sign y'all up fer the Guest o' Honor in 'alt.flame'? Ya bet I do!" >1. Know deep down Jim: "As he knew the football team" >you are a side Bill: "Of fries!" >and reading this angers Jim: "God?" >and that I must be seen to Bill: "Fall off a cliff!" Jim: "Hangin' yerself!" >But, really and honestly, I know Jim: "That I have no life." >2. I have no life. I accept this. Bill: "So nice of y'all to be so honest." >I have substituted girls Jim: "Fer dolls, if y'all catch my drift." >and a life Bill: "And I thought he just admitted he ain't got none." >4. Im learning Klingon! Jim: "Thanks for sharing." >5. God... Bill: "Yes?" >I really am sad arent I! Bill: "Indeed y'all are. If it'd make y'all feel better y'all can go to Hell." >"DAD!! lend me some money, Im going out and getting fuckin Jim: "Man, I almost feel sorry for 'im, having to go to his dad fer money to hire prostitutes with." >I'll be back in a day or two.... Bill: "Please don't." >I NEED A LIFE! Jim: "Indeed y'all do . . . indeed y'all do." Bill: "That's a desperate call fer help if I ever heard one." The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy