Subject: [HUMOR] Redneck Science Theatre 2K+2 Date: 04 Jul 2002 22:57:04 GMT From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars It's been a long time since I've done one of these. Enjoy, folks . . . . Gator Swamp Productions is proud to present: REDNECK SCIENCE THEATRE 2000 (+2) STARRING: Bill and Jim WITH GUEST COMMENTARY FROM: Possum Joe, an' a whole bunch of other people! MUSIC BY: The Smokey Blue Honky-Tonk Association TODAY'S GUEST OF HONOR: Jenny Corbitt ********** Bill: Well, hot dayum, welcome to Redneck Science Theatre Two-Thouwsand! Jim: Plus two! Bill: Whaddya mean two-thouwsand and two? Possum Joe: Damn man, ever'one knows it ain't 2000 no more! Bill: . . . . Jim: Well, lookie here, if it ain't the mailman, Possum Joe! Why don't y'all belly up an' take a load off? Possum Joe: Much as I'd like ta, I've gotta git Miss Jones 'er package by tha end of tha day. Bill: Y'all mean the big package on the back of that there truck that's sinkin' in the swamp? Possum Joe: SHEEEIT! MY TRUCK!!! *Runs off, leaving his bag of mail behind.* Jim: Well, while Possum Joe tries to figure out how to git his truck out of the swamp, Bill: Without gittin' his ass bit off by gators . . . Jim: We'll have a look-see in his mail-bag . . . see if there's anything fer us. *Bill digs through the mailbag, tossing some letters marked "INCREASE YOUR PENIS SIZE BY THREE INCHES OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK" in the general direction of the swamp.* Bill: Hot dayum! Take a look-see at this here gem! jennycorbitt@aol.com (JennyCorbitt) wrote in message news:<20020701033843.20468.00001736@mb-mq.aol.com>... > You guys really do obsess on trolls here. Is this some sort of almost male > bonding rituals among you? Jim: Dayum, that's right! It's time fer our Fourth of July Troll Roasting! Who all is the guest of honor thiss year? Bill: *Digging through the mail bag* Well, sheeit, looks like we got our troll already! Jim: Y'all mean this Jenny Corbitt gal? Bill: I do reckon that's what I mean. Jim: Well, dayum, let's get this 'ere roast started then. *** MALE BONDING: *** Jim: Welp, Jenny Corbitt asks us "Is this some sort of almost male bondin' ritual?" Well, we've asked a panel of experts what male bonding is. Here's some of the responses: The Baron: "Penetrative anal sex. And vectorscopes" Bill: I ain't gonna ask . . . Sir Nitram: "Don't forget quantum mathematics and beastiality." Jim: Or course, then she went an' said something else: jennycorbitt@aol.com (JennyCorbitt) wrote in message news:<20020701185655.22759.00004497@mb-fq.aol.com>... > There is a PURPOSE to this group? Jim: Again, we turn to our panel of experts: The Baron: "Penetrative anal sex. And vectorscopes" John Hansen: "Yes. It's probably the most useless purpose to exist, right next to the purpose of the mattresses of Squornshellous Zeta." Stuart Mackey: "Apparently, but I forgot what it was, so we changed the group name to ASVS." Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz: " This is a VS. News group, we also mark territory, club things, and have roast Mastodon BBQ's." Bill: As y'all can see, this here group has a purpose, damn it! Jim: But Jenny Corbitt decided to disagree, makes us ask. *** WHAT IS JENNY CORBITT: *** Bill: That's right. Why she got more an' more trollish, showin' all the intell-eee-gence of a daid possum. Jim: But, we ain't content unless we show y'all the whole story . . . which means another visit to our panel of experts. Pablo summed up the gen-e-rale con-sen-sus of the panel when he said: " Yeah, sure. Apparently you've decided your purpose here to be 'Behaving like a troll and insulting regulars.'" Bill: But we haid to seek more o-pinions. The Baron: "She's a slut and wants easy pickin's?" Rob Dalton: "lame and/or unfunny?" Pablo: "Jenny Corbitt is a sniveling bitch!" Jim: Of course, Pablo had a quick attack of the con-sci-ence, which made 'im change his response to: Pablo: "Jenny Corbitt is a sniveling bitch! Damn those Freudian slips." Jim: Of course, Jenny Corbitt had the followin' to say in her defense: Jenny Corbit: "Yeah I know, you are the normal ones. That is why the only sense of self worth any of you get is from a newsgroup about a subject that is a joke." Bill: With a defense like that, one can obviously see that she's been dropped on her haid as a lil baby. Jim: Our panel o' experts agreed. Rob Dalton: "you're a social retard" Kamakazie Sith: ". . . intellectual potential that is below that of a potato." Sir Nitram: ". . . not that you are anyone to talk about humanity . . ." Jim: Of course, bein' the moonshine drunk fellas that we are, we wonder what Jenny Corbitt looks like in a summer dress. Bill: Well, wonder no mo' fer our panel o' experts came to the res-cyoooo! Pablo: " Never looked in a mirror then? Or do they shatter before you can get a good look." The Baron: "fatty" Pablo again: "not even the goats will screw her. It's a real pity, because she looks so much like a goat, you'd think they wouldn't know the difference . . . I'd tell her to masturbate, but I don't think /anyone's/ desperate enough to have sex with her." Bill: Hot dayum! Is it any wonder at all that she says she's a, Jenny Corbitt: "Virgin" Jim: Of course we had to wonder 'bout 'er IQ. Bill: Very low. Jim: At least accordin' to our experts: Beowulf: "sheep brains." Pablo: "lacking the "skill" to make it to the bathroom before peeing her pants." Rob Dalton: "AOL user." The Baron: "fat fuck." Jim: Naturally, this all made us wonder 'bout her an-ces-try. Bill: Witness this here conversation, Pablo: " Am I being clear, here? Or do I need to say it in your native language? Bark bark, woof woof." Jim: Is her ma a dog? Bill: I don't know, the Baron haid this ta say though, in some moonshine-drunk boastin'. The Baron: "I'm no virgin, I did your fat mum." Jim: "To which, Pablo replied," Pablo: "Her mum was a sheep? That explains a lot." Bill: "So y'all mean her pa's a dog, and her ma's a sheep?" Jim: "Yep." Bill: "Hot dayum! I agree with our experts when they say, Pablo: "Jenny here is an abnormal little fuckwit." *** BAST WITH SARCASM, AND BAKE FOR THREE HOURS AT 450 DEGREES.*** Jim: Of course, like any good troll, Jenny Corbitt is cool, like the guest of honor at a prison rape-fest. Bill: But, since this 'ere is a roast . . . Jim: Why I think she's the pig with the apple jammed in 'er mouth. Bill: She could use it . . . >Uh huh....And the internet is the only place where you can >threaten to "Kick in the Kidneys" and not worry about the Jim: Listenin' to her is like gettin' kicked in the kidneys. >repurcussions. However you dont see anything wrong with that, >because...well its the internet. Bill: Hot dayum, so y'all mean to say that I could threaten ta kick Shrub in his kidneys over e-mail and not worry 'bout nothin? >Quoting 8 year old movies now...and thinking that is clever. >Well so far you are in the lead for Bill: Gettin' her vir-gin-ity? Jim: Not like that's a prize anyone'd want ta win. >originailty among your little pals here. >This is hilarious... Jim: Why yes it is. Too bad y'all are too stupid to get it. >and this seems to be a collective effort. Bill: Well, hot dayum, so she admits she's got some chained-up monkeys writin' her responses fer her. Proves she's got all the intell-eee-gence of a dead possum. >Apparently your nerdiness extends to the ability to defend >yourself in an intelligent manner. Jim: Why thank you much ma'am. I'm gettin' all mushy here. >What happens in a week or so? Bill: Y'all run cryin' to mommy and daddy? >And you wonder why you are a virgin? Jim: An honest-to-god virgin. I think I'm in love. >Aww look at the little backtracker. Jim: Dayumn! I didn't know she was into back-door lovin' Bill: Are y'all surprised? I mean we all know she's to ugly fer any man to want to see her face. Jim: Well, sheeeit, today is the Fourth . . . throw a flag on 'er haid and say yer doin' it fer yer country. >Found a dictionary Bill: An' used it to sit on, since she's only four foot-three. >explained some sexual activities to him, Jim: After which, he died . . . of gangrene. >and realized what a moron he was. Jim: Because he thought she actually knew what she was talking about. >Amazing how clever that is. Bill: Why thank yew. >Calling it a "FUQ" Jim: "YOU" Bill: Now now, no need fer ob-sen-ities. >instead of the normal "FAQ". Bill: Which you, havin' the intell-eee-gence of a dead possum, wouldn't un-DUH-stand. >So it sounds like a curse word. Jim: Lesseee, "JennyCorbitt" yep, that's definitely curse-word material. Bill: Peeled the paint right off the still it did . . . hot dayumn! >What a knee slapper. Jim: Referring to parts of her anatomy when she sits down . . . >Im sure the "FUQ Bill: "ME"? No thanks. >is full of fart jokes Jim: Jenny Corbitt . . . that's a fart joke, ain't it? >and talk of womens anatomy as well. Bill: Or why some women shouldn' have chillun. >Sorry..neither this newsgroup, or trolling is my hobby. Jim: Could've haid us fooled. >So I dont run on a regular schedule. Bill: An' I thought she didn' like talkin' 'bout her ana-to-my. >You know, its not like Im jumping around your little newsgroup, >yelling at every thread. Jim: That's right, y'all don't have the smarts to keep track of more 'an one thread at a time. >I pointed out what a bunch of impotent, Bill: Thank Gawd she's impotent! >self congratulary geeks Jim: Thanks fer bein honest 'bout yerself. >you were being, and all of you just proved my case for me. Bill: "That I really should end it all." >If I was "trolling" Jim: Which she was, Bill: Albeit poorly. >I would have been in every thread in this place, Jim: If she only had the smarts. >stirring up Jim: Sheeit? Bill: The hooch? Jim: The swamp? Bill: Granny Smith's World famous Possum Stew? >trouble. Instead I saw this thread, Bill: "AN IT POKED MAH DAYUM EYES OUT!" >and had to comment how out of touch Jim: "With myself." Bill: Thar's chillun here! No need fer obscenities! >you people really are. Watching you use hackneyed insults, and Bill: An' cryin' herself to bed 'cause of 'em. >rather pathetic rationales has only reinforced my opinion. Jim: "That my life ain't worth livin' so I'm gonna kill myself." *** FINAL THOUGHS (DID SHE EVER HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH?)*** >Chased how? Bill: Preferrably a-way. Jim: That-a-way. >You honestly believe, in that tiny cranium of yours, Bill: Hot dayum that thar troll's takin' 'er gloves off now! Whoooo boy! >that ANYTHING you say has even the slightest effect on a real >troll? Jim: Funny, it seems to be havin' an effect on a real live troll right now. >That you could come up with some enlightenment that they never >saw before, and shame them into leaving? Jim: Hell no, just provides us with stuff that gets us on the Ar-chive! >Jesus, Bill: YES, go unto the LOR-D mah child. Accept JEEE-SUS! Jim: Not that he'd take y'all. >if I really was a Troll, Bill: Hot dayumn, yer not? Jim: Positively astonishin'! >this would be the first place i would go. Jim: "'cause that's just the kind of girl I am." >Pathetic chest thumping. Bill: Y'all know that ain't the cure fer saggin' >continual predictable responses, Jim: Thank yew fer bein' honest 'bout yerself there. >and threats of "Chasing the Troll off". it would be a goldmine. > >You guys are so desperate to prove a point about your manhood, Bill: Whoooo back off, we ain't *that* desperate! >you would do or say anything to anyone that brings up any >question about it. You are a bunch of pack animals with no Jim: "And dayumn, if that don't turn me on." >brains, Bill: Something she don't have. >no cleverness, Jim: Again, thank yew fer bein' honest 'bout yerself. >just a herd mentality to try and Bill: Provin' her ma's really a sheep after all. >prove something that cannot be proven over the internet. Jim: Her intell-eee-gence. The One, The Only: Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy