Cooking With Gas 101
                                                                                          
                                   or

       Why it's not a good idea to fuck over LT.Hit-Man's friends






Spyda was sitting at home typing away on his computer when suddenly the 
power went out. 

"FUCK!" Spyda snarled, now he would have to re-down load the nudey pics 
of 7of 9 that he had been looking forward to *seeing.* 

With a grumble Spyda stumbled around in his darkened home looking for 
the flashlight that he had stashed away in case of power outages. 

" Ahhh fuck!" Spyda shouted as he stubbed the big toe on his left foot. 
Suddenly with out warning the hairs on the back of  Spyda's neck stood 
on end as he felt a wave of fear turn his blood turn to ice water. 

Slowly Spyda turned around when suddenly there was a click and standing 
there was LT.Hit-Man who was holding his upturned cyber fist with the 
middle finger extended and activating the plasma lighter in the tip of 
his upraised middle finger that cast a hellish light across his scared 
face. 

" HIYAAAAAAAAAAEEEEE!" Spyda screamed as he jumped back, tripping over 
the chair and falling to the ground, nearly wetting himself in mindless 
fear. 

" You called?" LT.Hit-Man asked in a calm voice and before Spyda could 
answer the power to his house came back on and he blinked a few times to 
stop the pain in his eyes. 

" DAMM IT ALL I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT!" Spyda yelled as he got to his 
feet. 

" Aww gee williekers you had go and hurt my feelings." LT.Hit-Man said 
sarcastically as he smiled his fourth most frightening smile, the one 
reserved for door to door salesmen and telemarketing scum. 

" Yes I did call you." Spyda said as he sat down as LT.Hit-Man leaned 
against the door frame of  Spyda's room waiting for Spyda to tell him 
why he had called for his *services*. 

" Well the reason I called you for is I went in for $10 worth of petrol. 
I went up to the counter and said the
usual 
"10 bucks at pump" *looks out to car* "8". 
"8? No there's nothing at pump 8. Are you the gray car?"
"Silver."
"You picked up pump 7, you've got $44.12 on it."
"?!" (facial expression) 
After a brief explanation it turned out that I'd keyed in 10 on the 
wrong
panel and the pump had actually given me a complete fill. So I think, 
fair
enough it was my mistake, so I went up to pay for it. 
"Look, I only have 38 on my card. I can pay that now, can I settle the 
debt
on Wednesday?"
"You'll have to fill out a form."
"Fair enough." I start filling out the form. 
"Oh by the way, if it's not paid when you said it would be then it's 
going
to the debt collectors. Just thought I'd let you know." 
To suddenly be 44 bucks out of pocket then be threatened over 6 really
doesn't go down well with me." 

LT.Hit-Man looks up for a few seconds, his scared face suddenly 
thoughtful like. 

" OK I think we can do a deal." LT.Hit-Man says with a manic grin that 
is matched by Spyda's overjoyed grin. 

" Tell me where this bull shit went down?" LT.Hit-Man said as he unslung 
his E-11 and looked it over. 

" The Shell on Kennedy Rd, wipe them out, all of them!" Spyda snarled 
hatefully as he watched LT.Hit-Man attach a bayonet to his E-11 

" Right not a problem, that'll be a hundred bucks." LT.Hit-Man said as 
he tested the laser sight on the E-11. 

" I'm afraid I can't pay you anything as they've just taken all my 
money." 
Spyda said dejectedly. 

" Well I'm not a charity worker here." LT.Hit-Man said watching the 
crest fallen look on Spyda's face grow in intensity. 

" But since I like ya, We'll work out something when I get back." 
LT.Hit-Man said with a dazzling smile that was about as warm as a 
canister of Liquid Nitrogen down your BVD's in the wee hours of the 
morning. 

As _The Fearmister_ was streaking though the sky LT.Hit-Man started to 
rummage around in the storage lockers for the things he would need to 
finish the job even though he was not sure about what he was going to do 
to the assholes that had ripped off Spyda when suddenly his guts began 
to rumble. 

" Hmm need some munches." LT.Hit-Man muttered as he sat back down in the 
pilot's chair a few seconds pass when LT.Hit-Man starts to laugh like 
the mad man that he is and throws _ The Fearmister_ into an arcing loop 
and kicks up his fighter's speed to the max, laughing like a loon as he 
set out to make his dark plans a realty much to the sorrow of everyone 
who would happen to be on the same continent when he went to work. 

*A local Safeway shopping market* 

It was another dull and tedious day for the shoppers in the Safeway 
grocery store that was about to be foreclosed, permanently. 

The shoppers stood in line and silently cursed as the line up for the 
only two open registers grew, the chasers where slightly frazzled as 
they felt the pressure to processes everyone's orders as quickly and as 
accurately as possible. 

Mike Willey A.K.A That Snoth Guy looked out from behind the one way 
mirrored glass of his office as he watched the two cashers trying to 
keep up with the long line of irate customers, he had intentionally cut 
the check out line to only two workers just to make everyone miserable 
because he could and to make matters worse he had shut down the store's 
AC at the line of cash registers just to be a real rat bastard. 

" Yes life does not get much bettered then this." Mike thought to 
himself as he turned up the AC in his office as he watched one of the 
cashers fight down the urge to snap at on of the customers who was 
started to chew him out, with a cruel smile he reached down to a switch 
under his desk that would re-set the cash registers. 

When he had taken over the safeway from the other manger he had snuck in 
one night and did some re-wiring, it had taken him over a month to 
rewire every part of the store to the hidden switch bored under his 
desk, he had lots of money he could afford his *hobby* of tormenting 
unsuspecting people and keep his safeway open despite the drop in sales, 
if all went well he would soon corner the grocery store market and then 
he would have hundreds if not thousands of stores at his command not to 
mention all the people he could *play* with. 

Suddenly there was a loud crash as the massive front window to his store 
seems to implode into itty bitty piece of glass, luckily due to Mike 
assinine games that caused a delay in service no one had been close by 
the front window when it went ka-blooy.

" What the fuck?" Mike said as he got out of his chair he opened the 
door to his office and saw that everyone was just standing there rooted 
to the spot they where standing at and staring at the front doors in 
slack jawed horror, Mike looked over at the front doors and saw a what 
looked like a seven foot, eleven inch tall cyborg dressed in white armor 
that had dents gashes and scorch lines crisscrossing it and the hellish 
figure was hold what looked to be some kind of  SMG like weapon.

" TIME TO SHOPLIFT AND SAVE!" The cyborg yelled loudly scaring the shit 
out of everyone and then all hell broke lose.

LT.Hit-Man was smiling as he pulled the trigger of his E-11 and blasted 
one of the closest cash registers into a smoking twisted lump of metal 
and plastic and watched as the fear crazed shoppers began to stampede 
away from him screaming in near mindless terror as he walk into the 
*Safeway* on his mission of plunder and mayhem.

Mike pissed himself when he saw the cyborg turn and rise his weapon, 
pointing it at him, somehow Mike managed to get his brain as well as his 
ass in gear as the cyborg's weapon spat out six red bolts that slammed 
into the one way glass of his office, melting it into slag before 
hitting the back wall punching truck tire size holes in the brick wall 
as the frenzied mob of shoppers ran every which way desperately seek 
escape from what ever the hell was shooting up the Safeway they had come 
to get the necessities of life heedless of anyone else around them 
resulting in a few people getting trampled badly but not dead, just in a 
whole world of hurt.

LT.Hit-Man shot up the magazine racks watching as they went up in smoke 
he then walked towards the bulk food section and started to scope out 
the candy section when he saw the chocolate covered Jub-Jubes with a 
mighty slam of his cybernetic fist he punched his way though the flimsy 
plastic lid and with a scoop of his huge cyber hand he liberated a vast 
quantity of the sweets and gulped them down, relishing in the taste of 
the chocolate covered Jub-Jubes that where full of  MSG, preservatives 
and other Sithly goodness.

" I'M HERE TO CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES!" LT.Hit-Man shouted in a crazy 
voice that sound like a stoned druggy and Darth Vader as a line from 
some old comedy show that got used in a movie came to mind.

The terrified shoppers stopped running for a second when heard what the 
loony toon said in shocked wonder as they thought that reasoning with 
this twisted freak my be the key to getting out of the safeway in one 
piece

They don't know him to well do they.

Suddenly the Britney Spears song " Hit me one more time" started 
warbling out over the Safeway's P.A. system as LT.Hit-Man was stuffing 
his face.

" GRAGGGAAA." LT.Hit-Man screamed nearly choking on a mouthful of Jub-
Jubes when he heard the cum guzzling queen's voice come over the P.A.
 and a wave of homicidal hate washed over him.

"LT.HIT-MAN SMASH!" the cowering shoppers heard and they begin to wet 
themselves as they watched the dreaded one point his weapon up at the 
P.A. system and unleashed a barrage of blaster bolts into the P.A. 
system, forever silencing the bitch's whining voice.
*Note to self scrag that whore when I'm done this hit* LT.Hit-Man though 
to himself as he began tearing up the place for what he needed for the 
Shell hit.

Mike shit himself when head the loony cyborg speak his name, LT.Hit-
Man's murderous rampages where well known world wide(see Gone Fishing 
for more info) and now this mad man was here in his store and he began 
to doubt very much that he was going to live to see the next day, he had 
no idea on how right he was.

" Yes got it!" LT.Hit-Man said as he found himself a four liter jug of 
Hung-Lo honey glaze sauce and tucked it away in his stormtrooper back 
pack and was about to make his way back to _The Fearmister_ when he saw 
the guy that he had nearly wasted when he begin his shopping spree and 
for some reason he found himself not really like this guy and decided to 
do something about it.

" I don't like you." LT.Hit-Man said as he walked over to where Mike was 
standing and grabbed him by the face and about to slowly crush his face 
with his cybernetic hand when he got a truly nasty idea and dragged the 
whimpering man over to the deli section in the Safeway.
" So you like to torment people eh?" LT.Hit-Man asked as he turned on 
the deli meat slicer.
" No please no I'll change my ways!" Mike begged as he saw LT.Hit-Man 
flip on the deli slicer but all of his pleading was for not as LT.Hit-
Man began to put his finger tips though the deli slicer, enjoying the 
doomed man's screams, some of the cowering shoppers had worked up the 
nerve to see what the infamous LT was up and when they saw Mike's 
fingers being turned into lunch meat they started puking.

" I love finger foods don't you?" LT.Hit-Man said manically as he 
continued to put the fingers on Mike's left hand though the deli slicer 
up to the second knuckle and smiled as the blood began to really fly.
The rest of the sickened shoppers decided that it was time to high tail 
it out of the Safeway in a frenzied stamped, with in less then minute 
the safeway store was empty of people save for LT.Hit-Man, Mike and the 
few of the tramped shoppers who where crawling or limping away as fast 
as they could on there broken limbs, it would take them five minute at 
most to escape from the Safeway turned slaughter house. 

After Mike's left hand was sliced into thin sliced of bloody meat 
LT.Hit-Man saw out of the corner of his eye the row of chickens on a few 
spits, under some heat lamps and a really nasty idea came to mind.

With a mental flick of the dark side he force pulled a clever from the 
butcher's block to his human hand and brought it crushing down on the 
Mike's left shoulder and was covered in Mike's blood.

Mike stared at the bloody stump that had once been his left shoulder for 
a few seconds before he started to scream in agony.

LT.Hit-Man then used the plasma lighter in the middle finger of his 
cyber-hand to cauterize the horrific wound as he breathed deeply of the 
burning flesh as if it was a fine cologne, once he was sure that the 
bleeding had stopped he picked up the cleaver and off came the right arm 
at the shoulder, cauterized that wound then took his legs off at the 
hips socket and cauterized those wounds and dropped Mr.Stumpy to the 
blood soaked floor.

LT.Hit-Man then took the spits from the rotisserie and cleaned the 
chicken off of them and into his stormtrooper back pack, he was hungry, 
then LT.Hit-Man picked up Mr.Stumpy's twitching left arm and skewered it 
thought the shoulder joint though the palm of the hand then did the same 
thing with the rest of the severed limbs and put them on the lower spit 
mounts on the rotisserie.

" Now you will learn the true meaning of torment you useless sack of 
shit." LT.Hit-Man said to Mr.Stumpy as he reached into one of the 
compartments on his stormtrooper belt and pulled out a modified pulse 
monitor and implanted it under the skin above his carotid artery then 
shoved the last spit up his ass, using the dark side to avoid his major 
organs, sure the spit had ruptured his bowls and his stomach and he 
would die from that but it would take a few hours, a few hours of 
unbelievable agony and when the tip of the spit popped out of his mouth 
he put Mr.Stumpy on the top most mounting for a spit that was a few 
inches below the top row of heat lamps and set the rotisserie to slow 
roast.

" Going to have a hot time in the old town tonight!" LT.Hit-Man sung in 
an off key voice that sounded like Emperor Palpatine and Kenny Loggens 
doing a duet as he armed one of his modded thermal detonators that was 
keyed to the pulse monitor that was implanted into Mr.Stumpy, once his 
pulse stopped the thermal detonator would go boom.

LT.Hit-Man was about to walkout of the charnel house that had once been 
a food repository known as safeway when he walked into the shot up 
office for some odd reason, low and behold he saw that one of the E-11's 
blaster bolts had blown open the door to the wall safe that had been 
hidden behind a now charred picture that had been of the safeway chain 
founder.

" PAY DAY!!!" LT.Hit-Man cackled loudly as he scooped up the money, 
figuring that there was at lest twenty thousand dollars in total, he did 
not have the time to stop and count it because with the help of his 
cyber-ear he could hear the blaring sirens of police cruisers, lots of 
them heading his way.

" OOOHHHH time to book." LT.Hit-Man said as he was making his way 
towards the front door of the Safeway when he saw the big bin of 
chocolate covered Jub-Jubes that he had snacked upon and he decided to 
take a chance and made a mad dash for the bulk food stand and grab the 
coveted treat filled bin and run towards the font door but alas in the 
time it took him to grab up purloined treats a slew of police cruisers  
had come to a screeching halt in the parking lot.

" Ahh shit!" LT.Hit-Man cursed as he grabbed a bag from out of the check 
out counters and dumped the chocolate covered Jub-Jubes into it and 
shove it into the top compartment on the lid of his stormtrooper back 
pack and pull out his E-11.

" THIS IS THE NE-" once of the cops had tried to shout over his bull 
horn for the loony who was rampaging inside the safeway to throw down 
his weapon and come out with his hands up but instead he ended up with a 
blaster bolt thought the bull horn and was to busy noticing the feel of 
cool air on the brain to notice death coming for him as he fell to the 
ground.

"HOLY SHIT!!" one of the cops yelled before the windshield of his 
cruiser was slagged by a blaster bolt as he and the rest of the ten 
police officers scrambled for cover.

" HEEE." LT.Hit-Man laughed as he finished laying off a few blaster 
bolts to keep the cops busy and ran for the back loading dock of the 
Safeway with a slight spring in his step, he was having some serious 
fun, it had been a week since he had gone fishing with the trojan boogie 
bass.

With a few blasts from his E-11 he tore though the loading docks metal 
door and heard some heavy foot falls head his way and fast with a force 
boosted leap he launched himself off of the loading dock and over a 
fence and belly flopped into someone's pool, luckily his stormtrooper 
armor was water tight despite that he was helmetless and more 
importantly so was his stormtrooper back pack otherwise this whole deal 
could end up turning into a bad day for him, after jumping out of the 
pool LT.Hit-Man began to high tall it out of town to where he had parked 
his cloaked ship.

Police officers Pete Malloy and Jim Reed of  the Napier, New Zealand's 
police force stormed into the safeway intent on nailing the son of a 
bitch that had fragged there sargent when they saw the suspect's handi 
work as they surveyed the shot up cash registers they began to get a 
really bad feeling.

" Hey Jim I'll check out the manger's office, you look over there." Pete 
said to Jim as he got a good look at the shot out office wondering what 
the hell had done so much damage to the office.

" Ok Pete the rest of the squad are checking out the back storage rooms 
and looking docks so far they had not found any sign  of the wack job 
that had done this." Jim said as he made sure the safety on his 
Sig-Suaer PX-88 20mm S.M.G. was off, thankful that he had gotten one of 
the new weapons that where being issued as the old HK-MP5's where being 
phased out and that he had loaded it with 20mm JHP(Jacketed Hollow 
Point) rounds and went to check out the deli section as thirteen other 
heavily armed and armored police officers began to fan out from the back 
storage rooms.

" DAAAMMMMMM!" Pete though to himself as he got a closer look at the 
gapping holes in the manger's office walls and he dimly wondered if 
police's new Kevlar 12 hard armor that could stop a 15mm round cold 
would be able to stand up to what ever weapon that had done the damage 
to the office's wall. 
Pete was roused from his thoughts by the sound of some one puking 
loudly.

Pete walked over to the sounds and saw that his partner was leaning up 
against one wall and puking like a monsoon.

" Jim are you ok?" Pete asked as he helped Jim steadied himself up but 
from the look on his ashen face Pete knew that what ever had spooked his 
patenter had to really bad because he and Jim had seen a lot of really 
twisted shit over the ten years that they had served together.

" This is one twisted fuck we're dealing with." Jim said haggardly as he 
fought to regain his composer.

Pete took a deep breath and walked over to the deli section of the 
safeway store and just about got into a puking match with his partner 
but due to his five extra years on the force before Jim became his 
partner he was able to keep his lunch down as he watched the body and 
it's amputated parts slowly turn on the rotisserie as the stench of 
slowly cooking human flesh wafted up his nose as the slightly blistered 
face came into view, without warning the maimed man's eyes flew open and 
Pete saw the most hideous look of suffering that he had even seen in 
that poor man's eyes.

With in less then three seconds Pete was puking his guts out as well, 
dimly Pete and Jim could hear the rest of the squad coming over to see 
that was going on and soon the only sound to fill the death enshrouded 
safeway was the sound of fifteen puking cops that nearly drowned out the 
creaking of the rotisserie's protesting gears as it valiantly struggled 
to turn it's heavy load of maimed  human flesh.       

After long ten minutes the police offers agreed that the dying man was 
way beyond any hopes of saving, with a trembling hand Pete took aim with 
his Sig-Suaer PX-88.

Click, Bang, BOOM!

Luckily for the residences of Napier New Zealand the going away present 
in the from of the rigged thermal detonator was a low yeld one that 
turned the Safeway into a flaming crater that was four feet deep and 
shattered windows in the three block radius causing scores of injuries 
all of them minor.

The Shell station on Kennedy Rd


Bob Mc Queen and Fred Calester where sitting in the Shell station as the 
fog was growing thicker and thicker as the night went on smoking joints 
and playing cards they had to pull a double shift and they where none to 
happy about it the worst thing about it was that there where hardly any 
customers.

" What a lousy fuck'en night!" Bob griped as he folded his cards he had 
only a pair of duces and some other low cards while Fred was showing a 
royal flush.

" I hear you on that." Fred said as he raked in the winning from the pot 
in there poker game, namely six joints that had been the table stakes, 
Fred took one of his joints and lit it up, took a deep drag held it for 
a minutes then let out the smoke.
" MMMM you know what that smells like, smells like victory."  he then 
passed the joint over to Bob who took a long drag from the joint and 
passed it back.

After a joint was done sat there talking about all the girls they had 
pooched as time marched on, occasionally they would look out the window 
of the gas station's kiosk and watch the patterns on the swirling fog.

" Hey you remember that slap nuts that filled up at the wrong pump a few 
days ago?" Bob asked as he opened a bag of cheese nips that he had 
grabbed on to from the kiosk's chip rack that was in the area where a 
person would  pay after re-fueling there car.

" You mean the guy with the silver car?" Fred asked as he eyed Bob's bag 
of cheese nips are he began to suffer from the munchies.
" Ya that's the guy, I loved the bit where he had only 38 bucks on his 
card, I mean the look on is face was priceless." Bob said in between 
mouthfuls of cheese nips.

" I know but the funniest part was when I laid out the from on him and 
told him that if he did not pay by wednesday it was going to the debt 
collectors." Fred said as he opened a bottle of pop and took a long haul 
from it.

They laughed it up for a few minutes unaware that death was coming for 
them in the swirling fog.

LT.Hit-Man was smiling to himself as he made his way towards the gas 
station it had been an easy thing to use the dark side to create the fog 
by condensing the moisture in the chilly night's air and when he saw the 
kiosk he decided to hang back and play a game with the fools who had 
made the mistake of messing with Spyda as he was humming the tune * 
Another one bites the dust. *

tap..tap

" Hey did you hear that?" Bob asked Fred as he work up from the drug 
induced stupor 
" Nah I didn't hear anything." Fred told Bob as he spiked the half empty 
pop bottle with a mickey of rye that he had brought with him.

tap....Tap

" Damm it there it is again don't tell me you did not hear that." Bob 
said as he started looking out the windows but all he saw was the 
swirling fog that seemed to be getting thicker with each passing moment.

Fred looked around he had heard something but he was not sure if it was 
the weed or the rye that was playing tricks on him and he was not going 
to let it bother him.

" Ahh your just tripping man, here have a slug of this." he told Bob as 
held out the bottle with the juiced up pepsi.

" No man I tell ya something's out there." Bob said vehemently as he 
took a drink from the offered pop bottle, he was starting g to get 
really freaked out as the weed took hold of what was left of his brain 
from all the years of doing drugs.

LT.Hit-Man decided that he had wasted enough time on these soon to be 
toasted losers and went to put them out of everyone's misery.

Fred was dozing off while Bob was still stuffing his face as he tried to 
relax when suddenly something crashed though the window and landed with 
a thump, causing Bob to choke on a mouthful of sour cream and salsa pork 
rinds while Fred jumped up and stumbled over the chair he had been 
napping in as the tear gas grenade began to work is mojo on them.

The two luckless men staggered out of the gas station's kiosk and feel 
to the ground as there eyes felt like someone had put a few grains of 
black powered under there eye lids and lit it, there lungs felt like 
they had sucked back a lung full of high grade octane with a zippo 
chaser as they where racked by lung shredding coughs as there bodies 
tired to expel the tear gas and for a few minutes they laid there in gut 
twisting agony as the tear gas worked it's way out of there lungs.

LT.Hit-Man watched as the two men writhed in agony with a sadistic smirk 
and waited, savoring there pain as he got ready for the big frag down.

Fred managed to look up and though his watering eyes he saw the a 
monster in what looked to be some kind of  white body armor, a look of 
pure live evil on the man's scared face, the one red eye glowing as 
brightly as the fires of hell itself but what really made Fred piss 
himself in fear was the chef's hat on the monster of a man's head and 
the blood covered apron that read " Kill the cook." 

LT.Hit-Man grabbed the two men that where groveling for there lives and 
tied them to one of the gas pumps with some nylon rope that he had in 
his trooper back pack then sat down at eat one of the chickens that he 
had tucked away after dealing with the jerk off at the Safeway store and 
all the while he just smiled at the two doomed men he was going to have 
some real fun with these two assholes that had gotten on his bad side by 
playing the heavy on Spyda.

After finishing his chicken he said to the hog tied men " You know that 
chicken was really good but it could have been done better." LT.Hit-Man 
said as he opened his trooper back pack and began to fish some things 
out of it.
" W-W-W-W-what are you going to do with us?" Bob asked as he saw the 
nightmare man rooting around in the back pack that he had been locked 
into place on the back of his armor

" Well I'm glad you asked, it seems to me that no one in this back water 
town knows how to make a decent chicken dinner so it's time for the 
LT.Hit-Man's gourmet cooking hour, so pay attention because after we're 
done with this lesson I'll be grading you on what you have learned so 
shall we started with the lesson?"
LT.Hit-Man said.

" First of all I can not stress how important a good stuffing is for a 
fine chicken dinner." LT.Hit-Man said as he opened the bag of chocolate 
covered Jub-Jubes and before either of the gas jocks could say a word he 
shoved his cybernetic hand into Bob's mouth and slowly opened his hand, 
using it like a car jack to pry open Bob's mouth then with his human 
hand he began to cram handfuls of the chocolate Jub-Jubes down Bob's 
throat and laughing manically as Bob began to gag and Fred started 
screaming like a ninny.

Once LT.Hit-Man had crammed half of the bag of chocolate Jub-Jubes down 
Bob's throat he withdrew his cybernetic hand from Bob's chocolate and 
drool stained mouth and clamped his cybernetic hand over Bob's mouth to 
make sure that Bob would not puke up the stuffing then did the same to 
Fred who was now shitting himself in fear.

Once that was done LT.Hit-Man grabbed a window squeegee and the bottle 
of  Hung-Lo's honey glaze sauce.
" Now we liberally coat the chicken with our favorite glazing sauce, 
since my friend Spyda Blade happens to like a fine honey glaze we'll go 
with that, I myself happen to like a nice hickory smoke glaze." LT.Hit-
Man said as he dumped half of the honey glaze on Fred's head and then 
roughly used the window squeegee to smear the glaze all over Fred who 
was crying like a baby, Bob had fainted from fear and was rudely awoken 
with a swift kick to the ribs, "Hey no sleeping in my class you low down 
Gungan whore, no wonder why you  and your butt buddy are gas jockeys." 
LT.Hit-Man said with contempt as he coated him with the last of the 
honey glaze sauce.

LT.Hit-Man stood back and admired his handi work, " And now for the best 
part." 

Bob and Fred where vowing that if this was just one bad trip because of 
a bad batch of weed they where going to give up the drugs and look for a 
better job.

LT.Hit-Man unhooked the nozzle for the regular unleaded gas and stood 
there smiling at the two gas jockeys " Next we set the oven for 350 and 
let the chicken cook until it's a nice crispy golden brown." LT.Hit-Man 
said as he soaked the two screaming men with the regular non-leaded gas 
then he ripped the hose out of the gas pump and watched the gas began to 
spray out of the pump like a fountain he then took a tube of hexamne 
tablets with a timed ignition charge, set the timer and tossed it in 
between the two screaming men and slowly walk away with a very happy 
smile on his scared face.

LT.Hit-Man took out his last stogie from a compartment on his 
stormtrooper belt put it in his mouth he waited for a second before he 
mentally ignited the plasma torch in the middle finger of his cyber hand 
as the hexamine charge ignited and blew the gas station off the face of 
the earth in a blossoming mushroom cloud.

" Ahhh there's nothing like a good stogie after a fine meal." LT.Hit-Man 
said as he took a deep drag from his stogie then he made his way back to 
his ship, it was time to collect his pay from Sypda.

Special agents Moldy and Skullick where having a cup of coffee after a 
long night of playing slap and tickle, Skullick just loved it when she 
had Moldy as a gimp in a box (watch Pulp Fiction for this gag ) once she 
had her way with him Moldy would have his way with her, namely he would 
have her face down and tied to the bed as he had at her.
" Well at least we mange to get some time off form the LT.Hit-Man 
files." Moldy said before he took a mouth full of coffee and grabbed 
Skullick and shared the coffee with her soon the two of them where as 
naked as jay birds right then and there on the kitchen table and just as 
things where starting to get interesting the phone rang.

" Just leave it." Skullick said as he slowly opened her legs to let 
Moldy enter her secret spot as he she ran her nails down his back as he 
fondled her tits in a rough but not in an unpleasant manor as the phone 
rang.
 
As they continued there love making the phone kept on ringing and 
ringing and ringing, finally Moldy could stand it no more and got off of 
Skullick who had been on the edge of cummng her brains out when Moldy 
pulled out of her and grabbed and hitched up his paints before he walked 
over to the phone and answered it not seeing the daggers that Skullick 
was starring at him.

After a few minutes Moldy hung the phone up and turned to talk to 
Skullick who was about to give him shit for leaving her when she needed 
him the most but when she saw the slightly haunted look on his face she 
closed her mouth, " Come Skullick we have a flight to catch." Moldy said 
as he slipped on his shirt and buttoned it up.
" Why what's going on?" Skullick asked as she put on her panties and got 
off the table as a wave of dread filled her heart.

" LT.Hit-Man has struck again and this time there are multiple 
witnesses." Moldy said as he finished getting dressed and checked his 
side arm over.

Moldy saw his lover's eyes grow wide at this bit of news and before she 
could say anything Moldy put down his gun and took her in his arms, " At 
last we can close the LT.Hit-Man files and once that is done I want to 
retire from all this bull shit and marry you." he said before he kissed 
her hard.

Skullick was shocked sure she and Moldy where lovers but the thought of 
marriage never crossed her mind,"I'll think about it." was all she could 
say as she finished getting dressed and she asked where they where 
headed.
" Napier New Zealand." Moldy told her as they got into there car and 
sped off to the airport.

Spyda was sitting at home fighting a long and bloody battle on his Star 
Craft Brood War against six others.
" I have you now you son of a bitches." Spyda snarled with delight as he 
sent a raiding party of fifteen UED marines with ten UED fire bats over 
the weakened Zreg base that was being hammered by three of the other 
players as he launched other raiding parties towards the other four 
bases, he had the rest of the players cold the game would be his.

Spyda was smiling as his forces began to pound the other player's base 
into scrap when suddenly his computer shut down.
"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Spyda screamed as he got to his feet, 
that battle that he had been engaged in would have made him the champion 
of  the on line tournament that he had fought so hard in first prize 
would have been one thousand bucks he had planned to use that money to 
completely over haul his computer making it the envy of all his friends 
after he had paid LT.Hit-Man off of course.

Spyda was shaking with fury and was about to smash his computer in a fit 
of rage but he felt the icy cold hand of fear grab him by the heart when 
heard " Oh I'm sorry did I brake your concentration?"

Slowly Spyda turned around and found himself  staring right into the 
smiling, scared face of LT.Hit-Man who was leaning against the wall 
where he window to his bed room was.

After a few minutes Spyda found his voice " You fucking asshole I was 
about to win that tournament and would have been able to pay you for 
your services." 

LT.Hit-Man had to fight down the urge to laugh in Spyda's face, " Well 
how was I supposed to know, I'm not a mind reader." he as he watched 
Spyda's face grow dark with rage and decided to stop any further back 
talk from him with a well applied force choke hold " If you have a 
problem with the way I do business take it up with my complaint 
department." LT.Hit-Man said in a cold and very lethal tone of voice and 
smiled to himself as he say the look of anger to outright fear as he 
Spyda began to turn an interesting shade of blue, LT.Hit-Man then let go 
of the force choke hold.

Spyda begin to wonder if it had been such a good idea to hire the loony 
cyborg that was standing before him but what was done was done and there 
was no why he could back out of the deal now.

" So I take it the Shell situation has been dealt with?" Spyda asked as 
he rubbed his throat LT.Hit-Man answered him with not words but with a 
mental flick of the dark side he flip on the tv and set it to the local 
news channel and told him to wait.

Ten minutes later Spyda had his answer as the news told of an explosion 
at the Shell gas station  on Kennedy Rd.

" Well now you'll have to wait until I get some money before I can pay 
you." Spyda said fearfully as he watched a hard look come across LT.Hit-
Man's face " No I need payment now I have things to do." 
" Well I can't give you what I don't have!" Spyda said he felt his anger 
return.

" That's a nice computer you have there Spyda my friend." LT.Hit-Man 
said in a pleasantly menacing voice and saw the down cast look on 
Spyda's face.

" Bu- ahh hell take the damm thing." Spyda said in a disgusted voice and 
watched LT.Hit-Man unhook the computer once that was done LT.Hit-Man 
used the force to levitate the computer and it's unhooked peripherals.

" A pleasure doing business with you." LT.Hit-Man said to Spyda as he 
with the computer in tow walked off into the night.

*Napier New Zealand Police station*

" Excuse me but we would like to speak with the police chief' Skullick 
said to the police woman at the front desk, " And you are?" she asked as 
he looked up from the paper work that she had been given.
" Agents Moldy and Skullick of the FBI." Moldy said as the he and 
Skullick flashed her there id.
" Oh hold on and I'll see if he's free." the police woman said as she 
got up from her desk and walked into the back of the police station.

" Not now Moldy." agent Skullick said as she felt a hand on her ass, she 
turned around and saw that Moldy had a dopey smile on his face, air 
travel always made him horny and even though she would like nothing 
better then to have him ravage her right then and there she knew that 
this was most defiantly not the time or the place for fun and games, 
they had a job to do.

" Excuse me agents Moldy and Skullick-" the police woman said and smiled 
to herself when she saw the two FBI agents jump slightly at the sound of 
her voice "- The chef will see you now-" she was not sure what they had 
been talking about but from the slight blush on there faces it had been 
something nasty "- His office is the second door down the hall on the 
right."

" Ah agents Moldy and Skullick nice to meet you." A slight over weight 
man said as he got and started to glad hand the FBI agents, " I'm Mike 
Borlzza so what brings you two down here?" 
" Well sir we got some info that LT.Hit-Man had been sighted in New 
Zealand and we have been assigned to apprehend his individual." Skullick 
said and when she mentioned LT.Hit-Man she saw Mike's face grow cold

" Well Miss you can go back and tell your boss that we are dealing with 
this LT.Hit-Man, he has killed a few of my men and we'll see to it that 
he's sent to take a dirt nap." Mike said in an angry tone of voice that 
told the two FBI agents that he was not going to give them any help.
" You don't seem to understand that LT.Hit-Man is an internationally 
wanted terrorist a-" Mike knew what Moldy was going to say and cut him 
off, " And what makes you think that the FBI can nail this son of a 
bitch?" 
" We have been investigating this LT.Hit-Man for some time now and we 
know that the local police forces in the countries that he had committed 
his crimes in where unable to apprehend him in fact he seem to take a 
sick enjoyment  in hunting down the police officers that try to find 
him." Skullick told the fuming police chef who looked like he was really 
to blow a gasket.

" And you think that once he finds out the FBI is after him that he's 
just going to give up?" Mike asked as he though about what Skullick had 
told him " Well we have been trained to deal with extremely usual and 
dangerous people." Moldy said and told him about the time that he and 
Skullick had nailed a loony who had been using a deadly biological 
weapon to kill large amounts of wealthy people world wide.

Mike sat down and asked them what they knew about this LT.Hit-Man that 
had law enforcement agencies world wide in such an uproar.
When he was told that they only had just the handy work of LT.Hit-Man to 
work with Mike was silent for a good ten minutes he then let out a deep 
breath, he knew that he just might be in over his head with this LT.Hit-
Man situation.

" Well it looks like your boy has slipped up." Mike said as he slid a 
really large folder over to the two FBI agents as he began to tell them 
of the attack on the safeway grocery store the two FBI agents could see 
the look of fear that Mike was doing his best to hide behind a look of 
rage.

" There are quite a few wittiness that got a good look at this LT.Hit-
Man." Mike added as he watched Moldy and Skullick read though the 
folder.

" Is this some kind of joke?" Skullick asked after she finished reading 
about what LT.Hit-Man looked like, she was finding it hard to believe 
that this LT.Hit-Man was a cyborg even though she and Moldy had seen 
many strange things over the years that they had worked on the X-Files 
but she was always the skeptic who always tried to look for the most 
logical conclusions to any given situation but over the years and some 
of the more stranger cases that she had worked on had slowly eroded her 
skepticism but her skepticism was not to die out that easy and she 
concluded that LT.Hit-Man was some kind of military experiment gone 
wrong, on that line of thought she was partly right.

Moldy just sat there lost in his own thoughts, A few very tense hours 
later, Mike agreed that he would give Skullick and Moldy the extra man 
power they needed to bring this LT.Hit-Man down but should LT.Hit-Man be 
taken alive that he would stand trial in New Zealand, or so Mike thought 
but once he told the two FBI agents that would be the price for his 
assigning men to help Moldy and Skullick in this case but to Mike's 
surprise he found out that if this LT.Hit-Man was taken alive that there 
was a special holding cell at the U.N. building in New York where he 
would stand trial for crimes against humanity.

Mike was about to rise a fuss about that but decided to stay cool and 
help the two FBI agents put this loony down for keeps but as a 
concession on the FBI's part Agent Moldy told Mike that he would have 
front row seats when the U.N. fried LT.Hit-Man's ass if he was taken 
alive and that suited Mike just fine As the three of them began planing 
there dangerous hunt for the ever elusive LT.Hit-Man

****** Burnt Scrotum New Zealand******

 There was a cool breeze that kept the 50,000 + fans cool as the open 
air concert was starting to get underway.
 Britney Spears took one look at the restless horde of rabid fans 
standing out on the open stand before she took a deep breath, she was 
still somewhat annoyed with her manger who had spring this unplanned 
concert on her but when her manger had busted into her dressing room 
after her last concert a week ago and told her that she was going to do 
a show in New Zealand and when she told her manger that he was out of 
his fucking mind to think that she was just going to up and out over to 
New Zealand to do a gig, well her protesting lasted all of five seconds 
when her manger told her that this gig was worth over a million and a 
half dollars just for showing up in New Zealand.

Britney took one last look at her manger who was smiling like a goon as 
the thoughts of all the money that was to be hand front this show, to 
her band who where ready to play.

" I hope you all are having a good time tonight." Britney shouted into 
her mike and there was a resounding roar from the fans that warmed her 
heart as she got ready to sing her first number when suddenly there was 
a snap-hiss that echoed though the speakers that her mike was hooked up 
to, but there was something wrong, the fan knew it when they heard that 
snap-hiss, at first they figured that it was just some feedback from the 
mike but when no words came from there beloved goddess they just stood 
there in a stunned silence, even though Briteny was smiling the fire of 
life was gone from her eyes that just staired glassily at the quite mob 
of fans.

Then without warning her head fell from her shoulders in a torrent of 
blood as a chill filled the air around the poor souls that had come to 
see the show.

After a few seconds of pure confusion the fans looked up from where 
Britney's head had landed, stairing at them with it's dead eyes as her 
body slumped to the bloody stage to see a black hooded figure standing 
over the decapitated body of there dead idol.

As the stunned crowd's terror was slowly building up with them the black 
hooded figure reached up to it's hood and faster then a blinking eye the 
stunned crowed and band members of the dead cum chugging whore found 
themselves face to face with LT.Hit-Man who had the most cold and evil 
smile on his scared face.

" Now you all die.", the crowed turned into a mad stamped as LT.Hit-Man 
began to butcher the members of  the late and unlamented Britney Spears 
band, starting with her manger who had a mental image of a one million 
dollar bill sprouting wings and flying away before his head flew from 
his body  via LT.Hit-Man's mighty right foot that he had engaged with a 
venomous hatred before he turned the rest of the band members into 
steaming piles of red goo as the fear filled screams of the terror 
filled fans warmed LT.Hit-Man's empty spot where his heart once had been 
better then any concert could.
  
" Now that's what I call a top of the chart hit." LT.Hit-Man said with a 
sick grin as his finished doing his old Stomp'n Tom Connors bit on what 
was left of  Britney Spear's band when barely heard over the fading 
screams of the fear maddened fans that had been waiting for Britney 
Spears to start her singing
" FREEZE!! FBI YOU ARE SURROUNDED!" 
LT.Hit-Man slowly turned to look over his right shoulder at the two FBI 
agents that had made there way to the blood soaked stage as swarm of New 
Zealand police began to come up behind the two daring FBI agents there 
weapons pointed at him.

For a moment time came to a stand still as Moldy and Skullick got a very 
good look at the one they had been hunting for years and LT.Hit-Man gave 
the two FBI agents that had been tailing him a soul crushing smile.
" And now the game really begins." LT.Hit-Man said in a raspy, rumbling 
voice, enjoying the sight of there eyes going wide in fear just before 
he charged at them with his black double bladed light saber with a burst 
of force enhanced speed, much to his surprise the two FBI agents managed 
to fire one shot from there weapons forcing him to juke as the rounds 
from there weapons spanged off of his blaster, phaser scared 
stormtrooper armor.
LT.Hit-Man sliced the two FBI agents's weapons in half with a swipe of 
his light saber then in a massive burst of speed he sliced at the two 
FBI agents as time began to return to normal.

Skullick and Moldy just stood rooted to there spot on the stage turned 
slaughter house as they heard a loud sizzling hum after they had fired 
there weapons that where suddenly cleaved in two as LT.Hit-Man seemed to 
fade from there sight for a split second only to reappear in front of 
them, they tried to scream but there fear induced screams where still 
born as they where surrounded by a web of crackling, inky black energy 
for but a nanosecond then LT.Hit-Man seemed to fly into the air like he 
had been strapped to ICBM as it flew into the air on it's mission to 
incinerate a helpless city.

As the two slight fear dazed FBI agents turned to fallow LT.Hit-Man's 
flight there was a gentle gust of wind that played over there bodies 
like the hands of there partner and lover that left them standing bare 
ass naked as there clothes slid off there bodies having been sliced to 
ribbons with a surgical precision while leaving them unharmed as LT.Hit-
Man landed in the middle of a phalanx of New Zealand police then 
butchering them with a ruthless savagery that would be forever etch on 
there brains as the New Zealand police put up a heroic but futile 
struggle not only to stay alive but put down LT.Hit-Man as he sped past 
them leaving a trail of maimed and dying police officers in his wake.

Moldy and Skullick grab at each other with a disparate need as they 
collapsed to bloody stage, fear robbing them of the strength to stand, 
they laid there trembling as they screams of the dying  echoed tough out 
the suddenly chilled night like all the screams of the dammed having 
been whipped into a chorus that was being conducted by all the inmates 
of an 16th century insane asylum.

As LT.Hit-Man run off towards the _Fearmister_, his black Sith cloak 
that had been holed by the rounds form the two FBI agents weapons 
flapping like the wings of a vampire bat he smiled as he drank ever so 
deeply of the fear and death that he left in his wake.
" All nothing like a good night's work to get the blood pumping !" 
LT.Hit-Man cackled.
He had spared the two FBI agents not because he had any since of mercy 
or compassion, no he let them live because they out of all the law 
enforcement agents, armed force personal, mercenaries and assassins that 
had been set lose on him they had been the most skilled and determined 
in tracking him down.
" If I have to I'll deal with them but for now they live because I will 
it so." LT.Hit-Man said to the Dark Side wraiths that where smiling in 
approval of the last surviving Dark Lord of the Sith actions that fed 
them with so much sweet sweet death and terror.

LT.Hit-Man flew the cloaked _Fearmister_ over the bloody hellhole of his 
making as legions and legions of ambulances, fire trucks along with a 
battalion of coroner's cars and a platoon of the best soldiers in the 
New Zealand army flooded on to the grim scene as he sped off towards the 
remotest part of Siberia, there was an R&D lab/weapons storehouse that 
had been built juring the cold war by the former KGB/GRU in secret that 
was ripe for the plundering, the fourteen Km lab/storehouse was packed 
to the roof with tac-nukes tons of tanks, AIFV as well as a few thousand 
Hind and Hind White Wolf attack choppers as well as a full wing of SU-
29's and MIG Foxbats.
There was also tons and tons of chemical weapons ranging from muster gas 
to VX as well as a shit load of biological weapons such as Anthrax to a 
from of genetically enhanced Ebola virus not to mention a few metric 
megatons of conventional weapons the consisted of everything from boot 
knives to the latest in man potable anti-tank weapons.

But what really give LT.Hit-Man a mondo case of wood was the super 
experimental weapons such as shoulder mounted laser cannons that could 
slag a skyscraper in no time flat,  microwave rifles would turn a person 
into a ready to eat happy meal if need be in less then sixty seconds 
flat along with a gamma beam cannon that would give some poor chump that 
ever so special glow if he or she was not coated in a SPF nine billion.
The Intel that he had come a cross while he had been hunting for more 
weapons to outfit the Cleaners until they got off this jerk water of a 
world indicated that there was also a few Soviet variations of the F-117 
Stealth fighter and the B-2 stealth bomber in that hidden base as well 
as a fully outfitted genetic engineering lab and quite portability a 
cloning lab.
If that was the case then quite posabely the he and the rest of the 
Cleaners could take over the Earth or at the very least he could sell 
off a fair amount of that war material to some third world country for a 
hefty sum of cash.  

LT.Hit-Man being the rat bastard that he is took the time to hover 
around the bloody carnage that had once been a music show and with a 
liberal use of the dark side of the force he reached out and caused a 
few of the medical evac choppers that there leaving the area after they 
had picked up a load of wounded to crash into a few of the park police 
cars, fire trucks and army vehicles as he shredded the medical chopper's 
flight controls, taking extra care to spare the two FBI agents that had 
caught his eye.

With a mad howl of dark rapture as the scent of death and terror began 
to make his blood boil with the full might of the dark side he sped off 
to the icy wasteland of Siberia to scout out the hidden KGB/GRU base he 
was sure that he and the Cleaners could use a little more fire power 
when they went to bust Sheppard out of the klink.
                                                                The End 
                                                                For Now!


   
 

-- 
" Why waste your time with those 
distiled goat load stains? "
LT.Hit-Man to ASVS on the matter of NG trolls