From: "LT.HIT-MAN" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [LT.Hit-Man's fics] Gone Fishing Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 14:03:56 -0400 Well I did not send this one into Dalton for editing, I wanted him to enoy the surpise as well, I don't know what to call this type of fice so I made up my own clasafaction for it read at your own risk, enjoy hehehe GONE FISHING By LT.Hit-Man All is well in the peacefull subbruban naborhood, the sun is shining, kids running around screaming there little heads off like a pack of bbq'ed ewoks as they played there childish games, dogs barking, young lovers sharing some quite time together yes all was well and right in saburbba. Untill the UPS van pulled up to a house in the middle of this idealic palce. *BING BONG* a few minutes pass *BING BONG* " Ok ok I'll be there in a second." No User said as he finshed his brakefast of pancakes, bacon and a large cup of coffee. No User hurredly stuffed the last of his pancake into his mouth and washed it down with the dregs of his coffee, he took a second to wipe his mouth with the sleeve of his bathrobe before he walked over to the door and opened it. " YES!" No User said tressly as he spied a teenage girl in the standered UPS outfit, he begain to metaly undress her, after all his wife was on a bussens trip and would not be back of a day or two. " I have a package for you, sign here." the young lady said as she held out the clipbored towards the older and slightly overweight man who was learing at her (though he did not know it) she would be glad to get away from this creep, she begain to wonder why she always got the overweight and merried men for and waited for the man to sign for the package. " Right." No User said as he saw that the young lady was not succuming to his massculen charms and took the clipbored from her and looked it over and saw tha the name for the person who sent the package read " From the one who loves you." and he begain to feel like a smuck, he quickly signed his name to at the bottem of the clipbored, handed it back to the young lady who hande him a fair size package, she wished him a nice day and he did likewise then she went back to her van and he shut the door and that was that. No User sat down and begain to the pakage with growing intestrest once the the outterwrapings where removed low and behold he saw that his loving wife had sent him something that he had alwast winted and he realy begain to feel like the peauce of shit that he was. " Ok let's see here." No User said as he begain to open the box, he failed to see the small card that had been placed inside the box along with his gift from his loving wife as it fell to the floor s he pulled out the instruction manuel that came with his gift and begian to read it. " Congraglation you are no the proud owner of the Zeb Co Boogie Bass, Yes this fine Zeb Co prouct will bring you and your loved ones hours and hours of fishy fun, amaze your friends with this fine fake stuffed bass, your kids will love the Boogie Bass as it blechs out old time favourtes like " Down by the river and Uncle Gurtrudet's shaved weissle petting zoo." and twitchs like a cow being tazered to death. No User skiped the fifty or so pages of sef-promotion and fliped over the to last page entitled " The care and feeding of your Boogie Bass.", No User smiled as he read that the Zeb Co Boogie Bass came with a lifetime warenty, he how ever failed to read the fine print that stated the warnety was void if someone used a hammer and nail to mount the Boogie Bass, 9 out of 10 people that have gotten such a morionic gift use a hammer and nail to hang said gift like a painting, No User was no diffrent in that matter as he begain to think where his loving wife had left the sleage hammer after she had used it it lightly tap on his balls jurying one of there infrequnt bouts of love making or what passed for love making. " Right on!" No User said as he read that his Zeb Co Boogie Bass already came with batteries so that is was ready for oddles and oddels mind numbbing stuippdy that Zeb Co calls fun. No User puts the Zeb Co Boogie Bass down on the table he is sitting at and walks into the gradge and after rooting around for the sleagde hammer and not finding it he returns with a ball-peen hammer and some nails and begins to hammer a nail ino the wall just above the fire place with the ball end of the hammer, as you might have gussed No User is not the britest star in the sky. After hitting his thumb a few time as he tried to hammer the nail into the wall full force and curssing up a strom he fanly get's the nail into the wall, much loike when he tries to enter his wife when they are in the mood, namely he has a hard time trying to get his two inch picker into his wife's love nest after pushing away mounds and mounds of undeodderized sweety flesh, but that's another fic for another time. No User hangs the Zeb Co Boogie Bass in the nail and reachs out to ush the small black button just under the fake fish with a trembling hand, trembling at thought of promsied hours and hours of fun. *CLICK* The mounted fish suddnly starts to twitch weakly for a few seconds before it stops and is still, No User lets out a strangled curse, he knew that the shameless (spam) hype was to good to be true as the let down turns to rage, someone would pay for this outrage. " Son of a bitch, wh-" No User's cries of hate are suddnly cut off as the Zeb Co Boogie Bass starts to flop around then in a low rumbbling voice it says " Where the Kriff am I ?!? " No User just stands there stairing at the freaked out fish as it starts cursing like a trooper. " What a shit hole this place is I mean come on the plaid wall paper is way out of date man." No User shakes his head still not bleavling what he is seeing or hearing " There must be a defct in it." No User thought as he reached for the black button to shut off this dement gift from hell " GET THE KRIFF AWAY FROM ME YOU FISHAPEOLAC!" the Boogie Bass snarled as it tried to bite No User on the finger that was quickly withdrawn as he jumped back in fear as the bad ass Bass started to realy lay into No User. " Oh man I have to got lay off the Peyote." No User mubbled as he felt the ice cold hand of fear as the fish stoped ranting and looked right at him " This ant no flash back you damm hippe, this is the real deal you low down kriff wit." " Ok one where the kriff am I and who the kriff are you?" the Boogie Bass snarled as it got a good and un wanited look at No User, had the Boogie Bass been a real fish, say a lung fish, so it could breath out of water it would have puked at the sight of the No User " Man you'er an UGLY cuss, must have fall of the top of the ugly tree and hit ever breanch on the way down when you got vomited from your momma's rancid pussy." " Hey you back off you son of a bitch-" The Boogie Bass snorts when it hears that " I'm a son of a Bass not a bitch dig it!" "- I have no idea why my wife-" the bombastic Bass started to chuckle when it heard that " You have a wife, more like your right hand you fat fuck! " No User had just about had enough of this bull shit " Shut the fuck up or I'll throw in in the grabge." No User snarled as he took a step towards the foul mouth fish that was giving him an adatude, " No one talks to No User like that and get's away with it!" when the Boogie Bass heard that it stoped flopping around like a gimp on speed and just looked at No User who for some odd reson begain to sweat " Did you say No ser?" the Bass asked in a deathly quite voice as it looked right at the sweating man " Umm that's right." No User said as he mistakingly took the Boogie Bass's suddnely clam and qiute tone of voice as being fear induced and then he realy begain to lay into the fake fish " I am No User the most feared troll on Usenet you had better start showing me some respict and you had better explane why you are here NOW! " No User screamed, a bit as spittle flew from his mouth as he got all worked up. The Zeb Co Boggie Bass looked at No User for a second then in a low gravly voice it said " I have a message for you, ya fat peice of shit." there was slight click and the Boogie Bass's voice was replace by a low cold lifeless voice that had No User just about at the point where he was going to piss himslef in fear. " This is LT.Hit-Man." the Boogie Bass's gaping mouth moving in perfect sinc with the recored message." I will no longer toalrate you poluting the holy ASVS with your fowl stench, only in theend do you lear the folly of trolling ASVS, adios you sorry son of a bitch!". " Oh Fu-" No User never got the chance to finsh his curse as he spied out of the corrner of his suddnly fear widened eyes a pale blue glow in the Booige Bass's glassy eyes as the micro-stunners powered up, locked on him and fired leaving No User standing there unable to move as the the micro replactor that LT.Hit-Man had installed along with the micro-stunner power up and swarms of flea sized spider mines begaine to pour out of the Boggie Bass's mouth in a sick pordy of fish puking if it where posable. The spider mines locked on to the only heat sigantuer that was in sensor range and begain to crwal up No User's feet, when the frist of the invading army of silvery spider mines touched his flesh they begain to berow into this flesh, relasing a small amount of peraltic toxin, this in it'self was not a problem but as the ever incressing horde of spider mines begain to climb over the already imbeded spider mine, seeking a small bit of flesh to dig into the helpless and very terfied No User who could no even scream as the toxin begain to realy add up. With in the span of an hour No User was covered from head to toe in spider mines leaving ony his eyes, nose and mouth uncovered, then with out warning he fell over backwards, when he hit the ground he was knocked out cold. No User opened his eyes as he awoke for a realy bad nightmare, he tried to get out of his bed but found that he could not move " Huuuumm." he moaned then realy hit home as firey pain corsed though out his ravaged body strangely enough the sound of his own soul shredding srike of unimaginable agony is a small comfort to him and boy oh boy did he ever scream. Mis User when to unlock the front door to there quite home whe she found to her surpirze that the front door was unlocked " That's odd, honey bunches must have the day off." Miss Uer thought to herslelf as she opened the fornt door, it was 10 after 3pm and her man was usely still at work. " Hony I'm home." Miss User called out as she shut the front door, she had a long day at the metting her compney had told her that she was to over see there ditrabution of there latest line of spiked, crocthless pantys for men over in china after reatching a very luctive deal with the chiness goverment, she was tried and just wanted to get some sleep. She head a low moan from the living room as she hung her coat up she did not like that sound of that. " Damm it if he's hung over agin I'll kick his ass." Miss User thought as she made her way to her posably post ineebrated hubby, No User had been hitting the cold ones ever since she had gotten her new posstion in the company. " Hon if you hav-" her words died off as she walked into the living room and saw the man she loved lying there or more to the point something that looked like the man she loved but covered in metal like someone had stuck an unimangable amount of pins into his body much like a voodo doll, when she heard him moan as a small amount of blood oozed between the small spaces in the metal shell she did what most people would do apone see that she fainted dead away, her body making a realy nice meaty thud as it hit the floor. Afew hours later she awoke to see that what was lying on the floor a few feet away from her had not been some trick of the light,a bad dream or a drug indcued halucation she let out a realy high pichted scream that cuased all the dog with in a block of her home to howl all at once, signeling that some wicked had come to there naboerhood. Miss User got up of the floor as panic started to set in but somehow she found the resovle to walk over to the phone, pick it up and numbly dail 911, when someone asnwered her she lost it and started to freak out as her mind slowly begain to fold in on it'self, it would be a good ten minutes before she manage to calme down and try to explane what she had seen, five minutes later two police cars a frie truck and an amblunce showed up, fallowed by some very nosy naboroes. " My God what the hell happened?" one of the police offers gasped as she got a god look at the maimed No User, her partner who was fresh out of the acdamy just stood there stairing in horro as he fought down the almost overwhelming urge to puke his guts out as Miss.User just started to sob like a baby. " Get her out of here." Officer Wanda Fish said to her rookie partner as she took a step towards the troll turned heavy metal fan who was started to moan even louder as the toxin begain to where it'self out. The rooke police offcer who's guts had reached a truse with his growing horror took Miss.User by the arm as he tried to clame her down. *CLICK!* Everyone froze and turned to face what had made that sound and saw the Zeb Co Boogie Bass turn it's head, it's mouth slowly opening to utter the words " You didn't say simon says, suckers!" in a calously cruel mocking voice. There was a low WAMOOF as all of the spider mines detonated there payload of a micro-gram of detonite at the same time, blasting No User's fleash from his body cover the living room, Offier Fish, her rookie partner and the now widdowed Miss.User in a thin wet red mist, fallowed in less then 3/10th of a seconed by bits of slightly sissling red meaty chucks. Miss.User's personalty incressed dramaticly as she went from being a person to a vegatable as her brain short certicted much like throwing a plugged in raido into someone's bath tub that had pissed you off, Officer Wanda Fish just stood there as she looked at the ruined remains of No User having a hard time dealing with what she was seeing as a wispes of oil smoke from the blasted carcass of the now very dead No User waffted into the suddenly cold air of the hastly repainted living room, The rookie turned his head and puked all over Miss.User as he desied right then and there to take early retierment. Officer Wanda Fish looked up at the icon of foolishly spent money on useless items and swore that the damm Boogie Bass was smiling at her, " Gee there was no need for him to blow his stack like that, I think it's a little to late for him to take an anger managment class, don't you?" with that said the Zeb Co Boogie Bass cared out it's last command, there was a small flash of light as the micro-partical disinagrater charge that had ben installed in the trojan fish went off leaving a slight scroch mark where it once was hanging. Thrity minutes after Miss.User had been carted away to the funny farm Officer Wanda Fish how had been told to go home sat down took out her her side arm and fallowed her doctor's advice and added some iron to her diet as she burnt out, special agenets Moldy and Skullick had gone over the now sealed off house and the land that it was on would remained unsold untill the started of the thrid world war with a fine tooth comb. " Hey Modly take a look at this." Agent Skullick said to her slightly wacked out partner as she handed him a seal evadence bag as she felt her guts turn to something very simaler to ice water. " Did you put an order in for a bigger filing cabnet like I ask?" Moldy said to her as he finshed reading the small card that had came with the Zeb Co Boogie Bass of terror, " Yes I put the order in an hour before we got the call, at this rate we'll need a bigger office at the end of the month." she told Moldy as the made there way to ther car, " I wonder what this poor son of a bitch did to piss him off." Agent Skullick let out a small sight as she fried up ther car and left the saburbben death trap that had once been the home of a troll. " I don't know and I realy don't want to know." she said as head out to there cramp of at the F.B.I. HQ, cramped that is since they got reasniged from the X-files, becuase of all the files that where genrated by the cause of this lasted act of terror. Moldy just leaned back in his seat, colsed his eye and let out a deep almost mornful sigh, " Why do we even bother it case is going to be jut like the rest of them, unsolved." Skullick looked over at her tried partener, friend and screct fantcy lover deck out in nothing but his trench coat and green leather speedo's. " Becuase Moldy sooner or later we will find him, he's only human, besides I need the money to pay for my drug rehab." Skullick said as they stopped off for some coffee, it was going to be a long night for the two of them, " Your right, it's not like he's some cyborg with vast pisonic powers and aline weapons." Moldy said as he took a lage swing from his tripple expreso, he looked over at Skullick who had her mouth wraped around the lid of her coffee in a manor that left little to the imagntion. " Hey Skullick how about we head back to my place for a quite dinner, I'm sure that this case can wait." Moldy asked with a sappy grin on his face. Skullick just looked at her patner like his was the one with a drug problem, " That depends, how do you feel about leather swimware?" she asked as she felt a long over dure dampness between her suddnly crossed legs. " What color." was the reply as they drove off into the sunset as the wind wislled in a huantly strange almost musical tone. " In tonight's news the feared and internationly wanted terroist known only as LT.Hit-Man has clamed another victim, bringing the death toll of his bloody rampage up to 10,000 world wide, if anyone has any information please call the FBI or any law enforcement agency, we also have a line here CBS news station at 555-5655 extention 303, call day or night, we will keep you infromed of any devlepomets in this case as they come in." Barbra Walters said as the six o'clock news begain, " In other news the NYPD laid one there own to rest today, Officer Wanda Fish was found dead in her home for an aprent self inflicted gunshot wound, the chef of the NYPD said in a statement that Officer Fish had been a sesioned veteren of the NYPD and that the NYPD is shaken by this tragic loss." Three minutes after Barbra had finshed reading off the news she sat back and though about after 20/20 had been cansled that she was luck that CSB had heired her on as a news ancorewoman there was a call on the 303 exetention, the cammras when to live feed as she picked up the phone other news staions tried to link in as word spread though the grape vine that there might be a brake in the LT.Hit-Man case. " Hello you have some infortmation about LT.Hit-Man? " Barbra asked, hoping that there would be a brake in the case that would fanly put an end to this mad man's rampage. " I have seen him." a low menacing voice said, Barbra felt her blood turn to ice when she heard that voice, " Look down." the voice said and Barbra did and she saw a small can on a crude bi-pod laying on the floor pointed at her, she let out a small scream before the can exploaded sending out it's lethal payload for rusted nails, glass fragments and other bits of asorted small sharp and pointy objects into her body, shredding her on the live internatioal bordcast and within less then three seonds there was total choas at the CBS HQ. Five minutes later a phone call was made to two soon to be very irate FBI agents who where in the middle of an up colse and personal study of possable alien matting rutals, Iirate becuase there studys where reatch a high point when the call came though, shattering the mood. " Now that should bring up the Nelson ratings a few points." LT.Hit-Man said from his roo top view of the CBS HQ, he had wanted to use one of his thermal detators or proton grenades but deseided to save them for that special some one who realy pissed him off so he had taken an empty coffee tin wraped a few rolls of duct tape arounded it to help chanal the blast out off the top of the can, he then took a very small amount of C-4 and plastered it to the bottem of the can made a crude bi-pod and welded it to the can after that was done he went and gathered up a big bag rusted nails glass and other sort of fun stuff. He then used a force cloak to hide himself from site he walzed into the CBS news building and set up the mortor under the desk of his target with a remote detator, then he waited and when the time was right he made a call. LT.Hit-Man turned off his cell phone that he had perahed under another name and made his way back down to the streets, it had een a very busy month for him ever since he crash landed on this backwards world but soon her would have the things he would need to get back home or so he hoped, LT.Hit-Man did not like the thought of having to spend the rest of his life on this missrable world he had rebels to kill back home but as he waited and gathered the things he needed her woul have himself some fun, fun at the misfortune of the humans on this world. So with a cold smile on his face he begain to hum the Imperial March as he made his way to the back alley where he had stached his black soupped out van with a red pinstripe on it, he had heard that there was a millatry base that was working on crashed UFO's out by New Mexico, perhapps they would have an ion fulx metter. Witht that thought in mind he set off into the into the rising sunwith a slight smile on his scared face, soon he would go home. -- " Some call for a bqq master?" * lights up a flamethrower*