From: "LT.HIT-MAN" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [FanFic] LT.Hit-Man Joins the Federation Date: Sun, 4 Mar 2000 23:44:55 -0500 -------------------------------------------------------- LT.Hit-Man Joins the Federation It is a dark time for the Empire. The war with the federation is now a stalemate; the Federation, along with it's allies, managed to withstand the Imperial onslaught long enough for then to unleash THE EQUALIZER, a weapon so terrifying that it makes the DEATH STAR look weak. The shock of seeing an entire solar system erased from existence in one blinding shot was enough for the Federation to rally a counter attack on the shocked Imperial fleet. But the Empire was too entrenched to be rooted out. As the war entered it's tenth year, something happened that would forever change the destiny of two galaxies. Something started to sir in the ruinous carnage that surrounded it. Slowly, a shambling hulk extracted itself from it's tomb of stinking refuge and started to aimlessly stagger around. What is this horror, a Sith undead come back to wreak terrible vengeance on the living? To feed on their corpses? Why, no, it's LT.Hit-Man who is paying the price in the aftermath of last night's party, his first shore leave after five years of fighting and killing in savage hand to hand combat. "Oh my aching head," LT.Hit-Man thought as he slowly walked over to the fridge, opened it and pulled his last soda. It took him a few tries to weakly rip the pull tab off. "Damn, I nearly had to boot horn my desecrated and parched mouth open," he thought as he gingerly sipped the soda. It took all of his dark side power not to puke his ravaged guts out as the icy cold soda trickled down his after he scarfed down two headache tabs that had went down like dehydrated mothballs. LT.Hit-Man rooted around the wasteland of his small quarters in search of food, praying that his tortured guts would be able to hold down something solid as he dug out a piece of cold pizza. Five seconds after he had choked down the cold anchovies, onion, hot sausage and garlic pizza, he ran for the bathroom and puked for a few minutes as his guts became like a star going supernova. LT.Hit-Man laid there after his ravaged guts started slam dancing inside of him, and he made a vow right then and there that this was last party he was ever going to have as he pleaded with whatever god had made everything to spare his life as he curled up in a shivering ball of agonized flesh. [Much later] LT.Hit-Man opened up his human eye and this time the dim light of the bathroom did not send blinding waves of pain into his alcohol-addled brain. By sheer willpower, he undressed and crawled into the shower, turned the shower on to as hot as it would go and bit his lip so hard that his blood began flow freely as the shower pounded on him mercilessly. As the hot stabbing daggers of water hit, he felt like someone was sanding his skin off one layer at a time. A few hours later, he managed, after a few tries, to slither out of the shower. He wrapped himself up in a towel and took a short rest as his mind and body began to slowly heal itself. LT.Hit-Man had tried to use the Force to purge himself of the alcohol but the dark side refused to help him as it enjoyed a cruel laugh at his tortured expense. After an unknown amount of time LT.Hit-Man felt well enough to try and stand and leaned on the toilet, nearly gagging at the stench of his recycled food, and staggered to his feet, he then walked out of the bathroom and dug out a pair of pants from under the mountains of empty pizza boxes, empty bottles of Corellian ale and Mad Dog 20/20 beer. The he started the hellish task of cleaning up the war zone that was his quarters. He had called maintenance droids to clean up the mess, but they took one look at the hellhole that LT.Hit-Man called home and they told the suffering LT to go and kriff himself; they were not going anywhere near that disaster site and left him to do it himself. LT.Hit-Man was too far gone to smash the droids down for that and he knew that in his state the droids would more than likely kick his ass. That would not do his rep as one of the most feared beings in the Empire any good. Snarling the most vile cures he could think of as the drunken fog started to dissipate, he began to clean up the mess. [MUCH LATER!] LT.Hit-Man sat down in his chair and slowly let out a breath. "Now to just sit here and go into a coma. Any sound will bring pain, even the sound of my breathing. Any movement, even blinking, with hurt me badly," he thought to himself. Even that caused his head to feel like there was a rabid Ewok in there pounding his brains into mush with it's war club. Slowly, ever so slowly, LT.Hit-Man began to shut down all of his higher brain and bodily functions. As he started to relax, he found himself on the hazy edge of sleep. WHAM WHAM WHAM!!!!!!!! AAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAM! KA-BOOM!!!!!!! The door to LT.Hit-Man's quarters exploded into fragments of light-weight dura- steel, and standing there was a gray-haired man in Federation uniform/pajamas who was staring at the suffering LT.Hit-Man with a steely cold gaze. "WHO THE KRIFF ARE YOU?" LT.Hit-Man shouted, not caring that his head felt like a piece of iron that a smithy was pounding on. "I am Skinny Hulk, your appointed morality supervisor, you Godless heathen," the old man snarled as he boldly walked into LT.Hit-Man's quarters with flames of doom in his gray eyes. LT.Hit-Man just stood there staring as the doomed man walk towards him. The bold and savage unexpected invasion of his home shocked his post-inebriated senses so badly it was all he could do to stand there in wonder. "I am going to put you on the path to true righteousness. Your days of lawless debauchery are over with!" Skinny Hulk said in a self-righteous tone as he stood there looking LT.Hit-Man right in the eye. Section 31's morality division have given him the hardest task of all; making the infamous LT.Hit-Man see the light and errors of his ways, but he knew he could do it. After all, Good always won and the Feds were the good guys. LT.Hit-Man shook his head; this had to be a really kriffed up dream, but as he stared right back at this raving loony he knew that this was no dream. "Why don't you take a hike? Your rabid right wing Fascism is way outdated," LT.Hit-Man said as he walked over to his fridge and looked for something to drink. He had to give the old fart credit; he had a lot of balls to storm in to his quarters like he did. That's why he was giving the old coot this one chance to leave alive and whole. Skinny Hulk was slightly flustered by this crazy pagan cyborg, but he steadied up his wounded pride and resolve as he watched LT.Hit-Man root around in his fridge. "You and your Empire are a bunch of murdering thugs. You are evil, wicked and nasty. I mean, look at you, yourself! You kill many and delight in torture; your fan fic reviews are way out of hand," Skinny Hulk said as felt his blood boil and his pride began to swell as he deluded himself into thinking of the Federation as just and right, flawless and without blame, unable to do any wrong. "Yess!!!" LT.Hit-Man rasped as he found two unopened beers in the very back of his fridge, and he held them one in each hand. His mood was starting to brighten up, so much so that he was going to enjoy debating who's right and who's wrong before he killed him. "Yah, right, you lying sac. What about the Baku? You were willing to sell them out to the So'na to get that crap in their atmosphere; hell, you had a chance to wipe out the Borg, the biggest threat to your Federation, but nooo, it was the wrong thing to do, yet you tried to exterminate the Founders wholesale because you picked a fight with them and you were getting your asses handed to you. Give me a break. Shoot you a brew?" LT.Hit-Man said as he held out a beer for the old man. At least he was trying to be hospitable. "Get that garbage away from me!" Skinny Hulk yelled as he slapped the offered beer out of LT.Hit-Man's hand, then slapped the other beer from his other hand as he felt his righteous indignation starting to kick in, seeing the look of shocked outrage on LT.Hit-Man's scarred face. This hedonistic mad man would learn the folly of his lifestyle; oh yes, he would make sure of that. "The fathead knocked my last two brews out of my hand!" LT.Hit-Man thought to himself. Now he was annoyed. First, he had spared this lowlife, then he offered him a free brew as he talked with this fool, and for the second time in less then an hour LT.Hit-Man was shocked into silent inaction by the rudeness of this so called righteous man. That's when Skinny Hulk attacked. "HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" LT.Hit-Man shouted as he suddenly found himself chained to a stool. As he tried to snap his bonds and kill this son of a bitch for this outrage, he found that he could not break free. He looked up at Skinny Hulk and saw that he was smiling. Now LT.Hit-Man was pissed. "THERE IS NO FAN FIC REVIEW GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! YOU'LL SUFFER SUCH A SLOW SWEET DEATH THAT IT WILL BE LEGENDARY EVEN TO THE SITH!" LT.Hit-Man rowed as he as struggled to escape his bonds. His only thought was to rip this asshole's soul out and feast on it as he ate his heart as well. "Now, Now, Hitty-" Skinny Hulk was enjoying this; he knew he shouldn't, but the look on LT.Hit-Man's face was just too good not to enjoy a cackle or two at his expense. "-Behold, you are seated on the STOOL OF RIGHTEOUS BEHAVIOR," he said dramatically as he watched LT.Hit-Man freak out. "WHAT?! THIS STOOL HAS SOME UNHOLY POWER TO EXORCISE DAEMONS?! IS REALLY A CARDASSIAN TORTURE DEVICE?!?!?!" LT.Hit-Man yelled as he fought down the strange feelings of fear that had really paid him a visit. "No, no, silly man, the stool admits a 50,000 volt shock at the push of a button. It is the ultimate in personality, altering/dogmatic coercion devices. They're so handy, all the guys at the office have one," Skinny Hulk said in a sickeningly sweet and patronizing voice as he held up a small box with a big, shiny red button on it. "Nice button," LT.Hit-Man said as he began to wonder if he would be able to withstand what this loony Fedder had in store for him. "Now shall we being with your language. There are young readers who happen to drop into Alt.Startrek.vs.Starwars. Young and vulnerable minds are open to suggestion; your language and actions are inexcusable. Do you have any idea how badly you are harming those innocent boys and girls that have passed though ASVS?" Skinny Hulk said as he saw the look of hate in LT.Hit-Man's human eye. "So what? It's not like I go around turning them to the dark side. I mean, I'm not responsible for their behavior. Let the little scums find some other role model to look up to," LT.Hit-Man said as he began to reach out with the dark side to slowly choke this pansy who was really starting get on his jangled nerves. *boop* *zzzzaaaapppp* *aaaahhrgck* "You language is so déclassé," Skinny Hulk said as he took his finger off of the button, watching LT.Hit-Man stop twitching like a headless chicken. He grabbed a data pad with his free hand. "These words in your vulgar vocabulary simply must go: scum, hell, kriff, ass, jerk, Sith-" it would be six hours before Skinny Hulk stopped reading from the data pad. When LT.Hit-Man's brain got over being slightly singed, he really cut loose on Skinny Hulk. "YOU MOTHER- KRIFFING BASTARD! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS STOOL AND SHOVE SO FAR UP YOUR WINKLELY SMELLY MAGGOT-INFESTED ASS THAT YOU BE SNEEZING LIGHTING BOLTS FOR FIFTY YEARS THEN I'M GOING T-" Skinny Hulk cut the raving LT.Hit-Man off as he to pushed the button a few times as he spoke. "I really *snicker* don't *giggle* enjoy doing this *snort* but it's for *chuckle* your own *guff* good." LT.Hit-Man started to gasp for air as Skinny Hulk stopped shocking him. He knew that he was in for a long and painful day and he tried desperately to call on the dark side to help end this miserable shithead's life, but no, the dark side was enjoying this game too much to have it stop now. "OK, OK, you've made your point. I'm not the most Jedi-like being in the galaxy; I'm just a human being like you with all my good points and bad points, just like everyone else," LT.Hit-Man said as he looked the old man in the eyes, just waiting for a chance to put the doomed man in the hurt locker. "That is true, but you really have to work on that potty mouth of yours," Skinny Hulk said as he looked LT.Hit-Man over. So far so good; he had the crazy cyborg thinking his actions over. Now it was time to move on to the next stage of LT.Hit-Man's transformation. Skinny Hulk picked up one of the cans of beer that LT.Hit-Man had dug out of the fridge. He felt so icky for even touching it, and he vowed that as soon as this was done he was going to take a long cold shower to cleanse himself of this filth. "Your drinking is a bad example to the members of ASVS. The Federation has done away with such foolishness. Syntahol, although not the best thing for you, is much better the being a drunkard. All the guys in Section 31 drink prune juice. Not only does it cut down on the problems that go along with drinking, but it helps in keeping the body regular as clockwork. The lost souls of the Empire could stand to take a few lessons from us." LT.Hit-Man could not believe the load of shit that this guy was spewing. "As soon as I get out of this mess and deal with this fuckface, I'm going to steal me a Death Star and pay these assholes a visit," LT.Hit-Man thought as fought with the chains that held him trapped on this fiendish device. "Your wanton and shameless acts of lust seems to be your biggest problem (LT.Hit-Man's Journal, Honor Bound). Such disgraceful displays of unholy carnality must come to an end," Skinny Hulk said as he gave LT.Hit-Man a fish eyed gaze. "Yes, this hedonistic, mass murdering monster would see the light," he thought as he shuffled around, his garter belt starting to chaff him something fierce. LT.Hit-Man was at his wit's end. He could not stand this self-righteous clown's insipid ranting any longer. "OK, nancy-boy, listen and listen good. I may be a drunken, pleasure-seeking Sith Battle Lord, but I would not want to be you, a low-down lying snake-in-the-grass who probably can't get it up, even -with- the help of Viagra. Your Federation is nothing more then a plastic, lifeless society of control freaks that are so anal retentive that they must have been toilet trained at blaster point-" LT.Hit-Man could feel himself growing flush as the dark side began to fill him with unholy rage. There was no way in the Sith he would become one of them, and he continued with his verbal attack as his rage grew with each passing second. "-sure, I may be a monster, but at least I have the guts to live my life as I see fit, right or wrong! But I'd rather be the monster I am today, here and now, then to be living the lie you are living, you deluded, self-centered, self-righteous cocksucker! You can turn up the power on this stool to the max and fry me until I am dead, but you'll never ever break me!" Skinny Hulk was stung into a rabid fury, and he gave himself over to his fanaticism. "YOU WILL SEE THE LIGHT! I WILL BREAK YOU, THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT THE FEDERATION IS THE PATH TO THE PURE AND RIGHT WAY OF LIFE, YOU GODLESS MONSTER!" Skinny Hulk said as he cranked up the power of the stool to full, then pushed the button with all of his hate and rage towards this soulless cyborg. *BOOP* *ZAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP, SIZZLE, SINGE, FRY* *ARRRRGGAGGGAGGGAGZGAGSGGEGEGGEGRRR* [Much, much later at Federation H.Q. in San Francisco] "Gee, Mister Morality Supervisor sir I sure am a neurotic silly-willie," LT.Hit-Man said as he finished putting the final touches of his new Starfleet uniform. Skinny Hulk just looked at the cyborg before him. Yes, it had been a grueling three weeks, but he had done it. He had broken LT.Hit-Man and brought him over to the Federation's side. "Don't worry my good man, you'll do just fine," he said as they walked towards the main auditorium, where the Federation was set up to hold a news conference/propaganda broadcast. "But what if I slip back to my old ways when I'm on the sub-space broadcast line?" LT.Hit-Man sniveled as they stopped for a few minutes so he could gather his scattered wits about him. "I have faith in you," Skinny Hulk said to the fidgeting LT.Hit-Man, and then he added, "If you should mess up we can always break out the STOOL OF RIGHTEOUS BEHAVIOR!" "No, I'll be good, really I will," LT.Hit-Man cried out in a meek, little boy's voice. There was no way he ever wanted to see that thing again, so he promised himself that he would redouble his efforts to behave himself like a good Federation citizen, thinking happy thoughts and helping little old ladies across the street. "I know you can do it, but enough of the pep talk, the Federation is waiting to hear from you," Skinny Hulk said. The two of them stepped into the spotlights and up to the podium that faced a massive crowd of Federation personnel. Skinny Hulk stepped up to the podium and spoke into the various mics located there. "Ladies and gentlebeings of the Federation, it is with great pleasure that I bring you this wonderful news," Skinny Hulk said, watching as the crowd started to talk, all of them asking what the good news could be. Skinny Hulk gave the reporters a big, warm smile and said, "After three weeks of extensive rehabilitation augmented with a vast bio-chemical personality-altering supplements, one of the Federation's most feared enemies has seen the light and joined us." The crowd began to chatter excitedly. It just went to show that the righteous and moral Federation was going to win this war. They had no idea about who Skinny Hulk (a well know and respected Federation psychiatrist) was talking about. Skinny Hulk moved to one side as he said, "Without further ado, I give you LT.Hit-Man!" LT.Hit-Man stepped up to the podium and with a weak, nervous smile he raised his cyber arm and gave the stunned crowd a wave. "Um, hi?" he said. The stunned crowd just sat there, staring right at the man who had personally killed countless thousands of brave and virtuous Federation soldiers, a man who had slagged entire worlds, who had committed the worse atrocities imaginable all in the name of fan fic reviews. Then all hell broke loose as over fifty percent of the crowd screamed, fainted or both. The rest of them started to reach for their phasers. "No, it's OK, he's on our side!" Skinny Hulk said as members of S-31's crack security force, disguised as regular Federation security personnel, struggled to maintain order. After about five minutes and thirty stunned Federation officers later, the crowd-turned-fearful mob settled down. When LT.Hit-Man saw the crowd go ballistic, he hid behind Skinny Hulk, his personal savior, and started to cry like a baby as he managed to keep from soiling himself in fear. "It's OK, LT.Hit-Man, it's safe. You can come out now," Skinny Hulk said as the last few of the more excitable members of the crowd where phasered into a pleasant daze. LT.Hit-Man dried his eye and stepped back up to the podium. "I'm so sorry, you'll never know how sorry I am," LT.Hit-Man said as he steadied himself up. "I was such an evil man when I was with the Empire." The crowd let out a shocked gasp; they could not believe what they were hearing. "Oh, I was such a lost soul, but Skinny Hulk put me on the path of righteousness." After LT.Hit-Man finished speaking, there was more silence for about ten minutes, then some reporter stood up. "I'm Dan Dulles for the Federation times. I have a few questions I'd like to ask you," The reporter said as he started to type away on a data pad. LT.Hit-Man and Skinny Hulk knew that there would be questions asked, so he spoke up. "I'm sure LT.Hit-Man is up to answering some questions." Skinny Hulk wanted to keep the questions to a minimum; he did not want he did not want to lose control over his protégé; more to the point, S-31's newest member. Dan looked at the slightly sweating LT.Hit-Man. "Is it true that you used to say things like Hell, Kriff, and Eat it?" LT.Hit-Man offered a weak smile. "Yes, I used to swear like that, but those foul words have been erased from my mind." Dan gave LT.Hit-Man the old fish eye, then he walked over to a replicator that was set into a wall and ordered something. LT.Hit-Man began to sweat heavily as he watched Dan pour the liquid. "Can you tell me what I am pouring into this frosted mug?" Dan said as a smirk creased his lips. He knew that he had LT.Hit-Man cold. LT.Hit-Man licked his lips. "That beverage you are pouring is known as beer. I will not touch that garbage. No, from now on it's warm prune juice for this boy," LT.Hit-Man said as he grabbed the sides of the podium as he fought off the DT's. "Drinking is a bad thing. It leads to fights, ground car crashes and impure thoughts." Dan dropped the mug and beer in shock as he and the rest of the Federation personnel let out a collective gasp. Could it be true? Has LT.Hit-Man seen the light? "Hmm, yes, well, that's true," Dan stammered, but he still had his doubts about LT.Hit-Man's change of heart, so he went for the throat. "What about this?" Dan asked as he held up a copy of Spank magazine for men and opened it to the Orion slave girl centerfold that showed the green skinned woman lying spread eagle, one hand above her wet, shaved womanhood and her other hand cupping one of her ponderous breasts with such a hot look of wanton lust that it would give a Borg what was know as a Borgasm. "AIEEEEE!! TAKE IT AWAY, I'M BLIND!!!!" LT.Hit-Man screamed in a girlish howl as he fell to the floor and started twitching in mindless horror. Skinny Hulk had two of S-31's goons gently take the wildly convulsing LT.Hit- Man away in the back room and sedate the poor man. "That's all for now. I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have," Skinny Hulk said into the mics as the crowd began to talk wildly. They could not believe what they had just saw. Skinny Hulk whispered into his hidden combadge and ordered a S-31 hit squad to take out Dan at the first chance they got. Who knows what damage he had done to his star pupil? ************* [MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GALAXY] "Sir, you had better come and take a look at this!" Grand Admiral Sheppard was in a really bad mood; his Favorite, if slightly feared, stormtrooper had gone missing. It had been slightly over three weeks since LT.Hit-Man had disappeared and he was not too happy. He needed LT.Hit-Man for a mission to help break the stalemate with the Federation. "This had better be good, Dalton!" GA.Sheppard said as he walked over to the comm-pit on the bridge of the SSD _Hell-Bent_. "I wish it was, sir," Dalton said in a low, desponded whisper that set Sheppard's teeth on edge as fear began to slowly take root in his soul. He looked up at the holo- transmisson of some Federation broadcast that they were listening in on, and lo and behold, he saw LT.Hit-Man in a federation uniform! "WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE SITH IS THIS!!?!" he screamed, just about pissing himself as he listened to the broadcast. For an unknown amount of time, all the bridge crew could do was stand there in soul-destroying horror as they watched the mighty LT.Hit-Man, the one being in all of the Empire after the Emperor and Lord Vader that could kill a person just by looking at them, denounced the Empire. "Turn it off," GA.Sheppard said in a broken whisper as his mind refused to accept what he had just seen. It could not be true; it was impossible, but deep down in the core of his soul he knew it was true. "No one says anything about this until I figure this shit out." But it was too late; one of the junior comm-techs had walked off of the bridge in order to try and understand what he had just saw. When a droid technician saw the comm-tech wandering around in a daze, he asked the comm-tech what was going on and within five minutes the entire Imperial fleet knew what had happened and the rumors began to fly thick and fast. An hour later Grand Admiral Sheppard addressed the fleet. "Loyal members of the Empire, it is my sad duty to inform you t-t-that the rumors about LT.Hit-Man betraying the Empire are true," GA.Sheppard stammered over the holo- net. The morale of the Imperial fleet suddenly hit rock bottom as fear swept throughout the fleet like a plague. "Let it be known that there is a Fifty Billion Credit Imperial bounty on the traitor LT.Hit-Man's head, dead or alive, preferably alive so that he may suffer long and hard for this treachery," Sheppard said as he fought down the urge to shoot someone, anyone, to ease the bloody fury that was burning his soul like starfire. 30,000 stormtroopers committed suicide as the horrific reality of this act hit home; they where unable to live with the shame of being a stormtrooper as the traitor LT.Hit-Man had once been. The Fleet officers and the rest of the stormtroopers were on the edge of mutiny as they fought down the urge to make the hyper-space jump to earth and blast LT.Hit-Man into space dust. Indeed it was a truly a dark time for the Empire. ********* [SECRET S-31 H.Q.] LT.Hit-Man was slowly drinking a glass of cold water as he tried to get over the brutal shock that the Federation reporter had subjected him to, fighting off the after-effects of the sedative he had been given to calm him down. "Ahh, LT.Hit-Man, I am glad to see that you are up and about," Skinny Hulk said as he watched the shaky man get to his feet. "Hmm, Skinny Hulk, sir, I am scared. How could anyone be that mean?" LT.Hit-Man whimpered as they began to walk throughout the S-31 H.Q. "Now, now Hitty...everything is going to be OK. Trust me, you'll see, life in S-31 is a good one," Skinny Hulk said to the Ex-Imperial beside him as they passed a quartet of young ladies. "Bu-bu-but what about the Empire? They're so mean and nasty," LT.Hit-Man said as he felt the icy cold hand of fear. He was trying to block out all the evil things he had done in the name of the Empire; he was having a really bad day so far. Skinny Hulk patted LT.Hit-Man on the back as they took a left turn to walk up a long hallway that had small groups of fine young ladies that had bodies on them that would give a fifty year old corpse a hard on. LT.Hit-Man smiled a really goofy, sappy grin as a sexy young redheaded lady smiled at him. Skinny Hulk saw this and was not to pleased by that. "You're not thinking any impure thoughts, are you my young friend? Are you feeling lust after that reporter showed you that filthy magazine?" Skinny Hulk said in a gruff, no-nonsense tone of voice that had LT.Hit-Man shaking in his Federation-issued loafers. "No, sir, I am I-" LT.Hit-Man started to stammer as they passed forty more young women whose damn near skintight black S-31 uniforms hugged their hot bods like a second skin. "Good, because it would be a shame if I had to brake out the STOOL OF RIGHTEOUS BEHAVIOR," Skinny Hulk said as he gave LT.Hit-Man a withering glare that had the poor cyborg whimpering in fear. He watched as LT.Hit-Man turned as white as fresh snow. "No Sir, it's just that, well, there seems to be an awful lot of young ladies. I was thinking that under the proper supervision that with the proper courting rituals..." LT.Hit-Man said as he begin to blush, praying that there was not noticeable bulge in his uncomfortably tight Federation uniform. Skinny Hulk knew what LT.Hit-Man was getting at, and he was not going to have any impure and lustful thoughts or actions get in the way of what he had planned for LT.Hit- Man. No, this new mission that he was planning would require all of LT.Hit-Man's concentration. "In all the excitement of your joining the Federation, namely S-31's special operations section, I forgot to mention that a vow of celibacy is required," Skinny Hulk said as they walked by the woman's shower room. He tisked to himself as he saw that someone had carelessly left the shower room door wide open, giving them a fine view of the bathing ladies. "That was awfully careless of someone. They might catch a cold," Skinny Hulk said as he shut the shower room door, begin careful not to peek. LT.Hit-Man stood still as he watched the door slowly close, cutting off his view of the fine, naked feminine forms. LT.Hit-Man snapped. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Everyone came to halt as they looked at LT.Hit-Man standing there, the veins in his body began popping up beneath his skin as his blood pressure skyrocketed, the muscles in his lean hard body beginning to bulge out, straining against his Federation uniform before there was a loud ripping sound (think Incredible Hulk) as the full might of the Dark Side flooded LT.Hit-Man, leaving the Federation uniform hanging off in tatters. The only part of him that was covered was his crotch. "What, no good music!" LT.Hit-Man snarled as he slowly turned to face Skinny Hulk. Part of LT.Hit-Man's brainwashing had consisted of 36 hours of non-stop elevator music. Skinny Hulk could see the cold look of death in LT.Hit-Man's human eye, and he began to fear for his life. Everyone else in the hallway just watched in terror at what was going on. "It's not all that bad. That so called 'music' was warping your mind," Skinny Hulk said as he slowly backed away from LT.Hit-Man. "No beer!" LT.Hit-Man said as steam began to shoot out of his ears, his blood boiling. "No way. Prune juice is much more better then beer! Getting all gassed up and making a fool out of yourself is so uncouth," Skinny Hulk said as he felt a wetness between his legs. LT.Hit-Man marched straight at him and Skinny Hulk could see the flames of hate raging with LT.Hit-Man's human eye before a laser shot out of LT.Hit-Man cyber-eye, placing a bright red dot right between his eyes. "NO WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!" LT.Hit-Man howled as he backed Skinny Hulk up against a wall, leaning menacingly over his tormentor. "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH CELIBACY! I MEAN, LOOK AT ME, I TURNED OUT JUST FINE WITHOUT HAVING SEX!" Skinny Hulk screamed as LT.Hit-Man slowly raised his cyber hand and grabbed him by the throat, violently hosting him into the air. "I don't think so!" LT.Hit-Man said in a low, quiet whisper that had all the warmth of a black hole before he ripped Skinny Hulk's legs off, throwing them over his shoulder, hitting one of the young ladies with one of the gory missiles, causing a mad stampede for the nearest exit. In some cases, people jumping out of the fiftieth story window as their fear striped away any rational thought. LT.Hit-Man ripped off Skinny Hulk's arms next. Once they were gone, LT.Hit-Man dropped the still living Skinny Hulk to the floor. "Take a good look, because this is the last thing that'll be going though your mind before you die!" LT.Hit- Man yelled as he launched himself into the air with a force boost, bringing his right cyber foot down on and through Skinny Hulk's face with so much force that his right leg went thought the floor past his knee. LT.Hit-Man dragged his leg out of the floor and Skinny Hulk and then proceeded to stomp on what was left of him until there was nothing left but a thin red paste. LT.Hit-Man felt the dark side calling to him, and he walked down the hallway as he heard loud running foot steps heading his way. LT.Hit-Man rounded a corner and saw ten Federation security personnel armed with phaser rifles come to a dead stop when they saw the bloody LT. "Oh, yes!" LT.Hit-Man rasped in dark pleasure as he let the dark side have full reign over him. A few minutes later LT.Hit-Man walked though the pulped remains of the Federation security team and into a small room. A sadistic smile crossed his scarred face when he saw what was in the room. "Now we're going to party," LT.Hit-Man said as he finished getting into his blaster-scarred stormtrooper armor. Apparently Skinny Hulk made the mistake of bringing LT.Hit-Man's armor, lightsaber and E-11 with him after he had kidnapped LT.Hit-Man. With lightsaber in his right cyber hand and E-11 in his human left hand LT.Hit-Man began a reign of death and terror that would be well remembered for thousands of years to come. *** LT.Hit-Man smiled as he 'borrowed' a Federation runabout. Yes...he had a good day so far. Over 500,000 Federation officers had died by his bloody, vengeful hand. San Francisco became a ghost city as news of LT.Hit-Man's rampage spread though out the Federation. As the runabout screamed into space, it was rocked by the shock wave of the 2000 megaton nuke that LT.Hit-Man had set up after he raided S-31's main computer core for classified files. "I'll be back, you sons of bitches," LT.Hit-Man vowed as he set coarse towards the USS _Enterprise_. It was time for a little Grand Theft, Starship. ************* [IMPERIAL FLEET] Rob Dalton was feeling mighty low. LT.Hit-Man's defection to the Federation had really hit him hard. LT.Hit-Man and him had done a few cloak and dagger missions together. LT.Hit-Man would give him covering fire if needed while he sliced into Federation computers to get the files on the Federation's fleet. The last mission they had been on had been a trap. In the week-long running firefight on Risa, they had saved each other's lives countless times as the Federation ground troops chased them down towards their pick-up point. Rob felt a slight twinge in his left leg, the one that had been shot off just above the knee as LT.Hit-Man and him ran for the Lambda Shuttle that had slipped past the Federation blockade of Risa, the Federation and Imperial fleets hammering on each other in a truly savage space battle. LT.Hit-Man had thrown the wounded Dalton over his shoulder, jetting towards the Shuttle as it gave them covering fire. it had been a close thing for them. Dalton spent three days in the med-bays as he was healed and outfitted with his new cyber leg. That had been a week before LT.Hit-Man betrayed the Empire. "Um, Sir, I have a Federation ship, identified as the USS _Enterprise_, hailing us," a comm-officer said to Dalton, waking him for his deep thoughts. "What, the flag ship of the Federation? It can't be," Dalton said as he walked over the comm-pit and opened the comm line to hear the message from the Enterprise. "This is LT.Hit-Man, and if you cocksuckers fire on me, I will personally come over there and rearrange your colon with my foot. GOT THAT?!" Dalton just about dropped a log when he saw the image of LT.Hit-Man sitting at the helm of the bloody bridge of the _Enterprise_. The chunky remains of the crew were strewn about like cheap party streamers. Before Dalton could say anything, the image of the bloody mad man that had saved his life winked into nothingness. "I want a legion of stormtroopers in the hangar bay NOW!" Dalton screamed, watching as the _Enterprise_ headed for the main hangar bay port, fear turning his blood to ice water. Grand Admiral Sheppard was in a briefing with his staff when a frantic message came over the ship's PA system. "Sir, it's him, he's back!" GA.Sheppard toggled the briefing room's comm panel. "Who's back?" he asked, his foul mood becoming all the worse. "LT.HIT-MAN, HE'S BACK AND HE IS PISSED!" Dalton yelled back. Sheppard and his staff were stunned. Fear began to eat away at their minds. They had seen LT.Hit-Man when he was pissed off and it still gave them nightmares. They started to pray that they would live to see the next day as reports started to come in from all over the ship of LT.Hit-Man's rampage as he made his towards the briefing room. "GET THE KRIFF OUT OF MY WAY YOU LOW DOWN SON OF A BITCH!" the low rumbling voice of LT.Hit-Man said outside of the briefing room doors. "But Bu-" the whining voices of the stormtroopers that were standing guard outside of the briefing room change from fear-filled whines to bone- chilling screams of terror. Sheppard and his staff pulled out their blaster pistols as the door to the briefing room opened. There stood a blood-covered LT.Hit-Man, his lightsaber in one hand and a bottle of spiced Corellian ale in the other, a drunken grin on his scarred face. "I'm back!" LT.Hit-Man said as he walked into the briefing room. Sheppard and his staff stood there stunned, watching as LT.Hit-Man deactivated his lightsaber, hooking it onto his armor's belt, then he reached into his backpack and pulled out a data pad. "This is classified info I liberated from S-31's main computer core," LT.Hit-Man said as he handed the data pad to the stunned Sheppard, adding, "There's more of them on the _Enterprise_, sitting in the hanger bay." "OK." Sheppard said as he tried to understand just what the hell was going on when LT.Hit-Man looked over to the cute blond secretary of his. "EVERYBODY, OUT! OUT OUT OUT!" LT.Hit-Man said drunkenly as he grabbed them and threw them out of the briefing room. Just as the doors closed, they saw LT.Hit- Man look over to Miss Batcora, Sheppard's secretary, who was returning his lustful gaze with one of her own. "Come here, sweetheart! I have a sweet tooth so lay some sugar on me!" The door shut and they could hear Miss Batcora let out a joyful yelp. [Much, much, much later] LT.Hit-Man opened his eye and looked down at the naked body of Sheppard's secretary curled up on him. He sat up on the briefing room's table. The air was thick with scent of spilled booze, stale sex and sweat. Miss Batcora opened her eyes and looked up at the smiling, scarred face LT.Hit-Man. "Hmm, time for breakfast," LT.Hit-Man said as he slowly planted kisses on her belly, his head making it's way towards her wet and sore womanhood. [Hours later] LT.Hit-Man and Miss Batcora limped out of the briefing room where GA.Sheppard, Rob Dalton and the rest of his staff, along with six cleaning droids, where waiting. LT.Hit-Man slowly licked his lips, putting an arm around his lover. "I'll see you in the mess hall in a bit," LT.Hit-Man said as he gave Miss Batcora a light swat on her ass. She looked up at him with a dreamy smile and walked towards the turbolift. LT.Hit-Man turned and looked at the shocked Sheppard and staff. "What the hell are you staring at?" LT.Hit-Man smiled as he saw Sheppard and his staff beginning to reach the point of nervous breakdown, so he decided to be a real prick about it. "Ain't you ever seen a man with a woman before?" An hour later, GA.Sheppard and LT.Hit-Man made a broadcast to the entire Imperial fleet, who had heard of LT.Hit-Man's return. "Loyal members of the Empire, I am sorry for having to deceive you, but LT.Hit-Man did not turn traitor. It was all an act; he was under orders from me to act like he had turned traitor so that he could raid the Federation for info on their new super weapon." With that said, Sheppard stood aside and LT.Hit-Man spoke. "Yep, that's right, and now we are going to crush the Federation under our boots! If anyone has a problem with what happened, you can take it up with my E-11!" LT.Hit-Man said in that cold, lifeless voice that chilled them all to the bone. He shot some bridge crewer, turning his head into a steaming red vapor. "Do we have an understanding?" Within a week, the Empire, thanks to the stolen data that LT.Hit-Man had given them, slagged the Federation into history. The truth would never been known. Had LT.Hit-Man really betrayed the Empire? Or was it all an act? The End