From the one and only Chuck Sonnenburg. GA Ancaris is standing by with the Ego-Deflater!


The Gospel According to Chuck

Quote #137 -- Chuck

Mike Wong <phobos_anomaly@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:88jg8d$ss6$1@nnrp1.deja.com... > Well fooled warsies... Go on, admit it:- you thought your god had > returned to ASVS. Not with a 1 KB message. Not Wong's style. Although I do look forward to the day my God does post on ASVS. ----------------------------------------------------- Jesus Christ <prince@peace.com> wrote in message... >Having lurked here for some time, I feel the time hath cometh for me to >state my views. I think I can settle once and for all <snip unsupported opinion> <yawn> Come back when you have something real troll. Elim ------------------------------------------------------ Er, maybe not.

Quote #138 -- Chuck

> Ugh this is not a communist news group... > Eez not? Erm, das right. I am not Russian spy; I am as American as apple cake. Tell me secrets and I will pay you many Rrrrrrrubles.

Quote #139 -- Chuck

From: "Chuck" Subject: Don't mind this Date: 25 Aug 2000 00:00:00 GMT Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars My server seems to be acting up lately; not giving me all the posts, and it looks like it might not be sending them out, so I'm just trying this out. So you can ignore this. Ah, so you're not ignoring this. Shame shame. Now is your last chance; if you do not leave now I will say the most disgusting thing I can think of. Okay, it cannot be said that I do not warn. Very well. I think the investment in the future should be a chain of brothels specializing in necrophilia (that's sex with the dead, if you don't know). The reason being that it's far easier than having to dig them up yourself, so you'll get almost 100% of the market. Also, you don't have to pay the employees, although you do have to empty them out now and then, which is probably gross I'll be the first to admit. Anyway, I believe it is the market of the twenty-first century. I even have a slogan: "Crack open a cold one." Don't you wish you would have just not read this?

Quote #140 -- Chuck

> OK I'm leaving. With your imagination I don't want to know what's below. My imagination right now is the finely-tuned result of a week of sleeping < 6 hours a night, writing over 100K of fiction, consuming nothing but pizza and coke and watching The Green Mile twelve times. That's right boy, you better run!

Quote #141 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" wrote in message news:8on5s3$b476g$1@ID-42467.news.cis.dfn.de... > "Dalton" wrote in message > news:39AF0ED2.A73A3B8F@nospam.erols.com... <snip> > > Well...OK, but don't try anything funny tonight. > > Now there's a pleasant image... *gag* Yoda: That face you make...look I so old to young eyes? Luke: Please master, put some pants on. Yoda: When nine hundred years old you reach, lift as good you will not. Luke: Ugh! Yoda: For my ally is the Force... Luke: Just stop it!

Quote #142 -- Chuck

"Jonathan Boyd" wrote in message news:B5E081A0.4F3C%jonathan@jboyd.co.uk... > Just passing along a message from Matt Hyde. Apparently you can blow him > Elim. This sounds so funny coming from you. This is what it reminds me of: Maitre' de steps into room. "Excuse me, sah. The gentleman asked me to pass along to you a message." [clears throat] "Do, 'cram it up your fudge factahree, you aaas-hwipe.' He also said I should tell you your mother was a female dog of poor breeding." [waits politely for tip]

Quote #143 -- Chuck

"Kynes" wrote in message news:39b8f08c.0@silver.truman.edu... > What! Clinton is great! He should be President forever! One of these days he's going to show up at a press conference in a pair of bermuda shorts and a tank top. "Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few months I'm leaving and I wanted to tell you all to just kiss mah ass. Yeah, you heard me right. Whatcha gonna do 'bout it? Nothin'! Kee-yah! Plant a big ole' one right on the presidential keester!" [turns around and pulls down his shorts, wiggling his butt] "Pucker up dilljobs! Any a' you ladies in front wanna polish my knob for me while we're at it? Kee-yah!" That's when the voice of the anchor comes over. Tom Brockaw: Mr. Clinton, apparently giving a farewell address that won't soon be forgotten. Clinton: I got blown in every room of the white house!!! You think Gore's got the stones to do that?! That limp noodle doesn't stand a chance to be president! Kee-yah!

Quote #144 -- Chuck

<pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:8pekgq$t0t$1@nnrp1.deja.com... > Yahoo? > > Where is there home office located? I'm sure we can fit them into some > kind of TGOD. Somewhere between Honalee, Oz, and the fifth circle of Hell.

Quote #145 -- Chuck

"Spyda" wrote in message news:39C934ED.6BE7BDCB@paradise.net.nz... > Sonn wrote: > > <A really good story> > > Maximum coolness. I wonder what Sisko and Obe-Wan do in their spare time. > > Perhaps there's some kind of convention for retired Jedi/Superbeings. Makes me picture them all in Florida playing shuffleboard. Trelane: I say, it's hot today. Obi-Wan: Bah! What you know from hot! Trelane: Well I... Obi-Wan: I lived on the desert planet for twenty years. Twenty years! You talk about sun. Trelane: I only meant- Obi-Wan: Oy, the heat was awful! Awful! Drove the locals nuts. Meshuggas, every one of them! Trelane: Sisko, a little help here?

Quote #146 -- Chuck

"Eric" wrote in message news:dpotssocikqkv9juc839misrnvtg4ss3m5@4ax.com... <snip> > How does an 18 year old, interested in the system, vote in 2038? He's > never paid taxes in his life, and they're not around anymore. Your > plan, although it's half-joking, doesn't even offer any solutions to > -that- can of worms. The children are our future.... which means it's their fucking problem. :-)

Quote #147 -- Chuck

"Xtreme" wrote in message news:39D7E446.56A2BC8D@sprint.ca... > And 'Rapariga'(sp?) from Portugal means 'girl' but from what I > understand that the same word means "prostitute' in Brazil. Grandma: "And aren't you just the cutest little whore?"

Quote #148 -- Chuck

"Spyda" wrote in message news:39E6E75F.3FBA0FDF@paradise.net.nz... > Is there a site where you can look up SETI@home's total progress? > Here's the latest report. Number of aliens found: 0.0

Quote #149 -- Chuck

"Strowbridge" wrote in message news:3A046B74.4BF28A7@home.com... > > From what you've shown, I agree that the library thing is stupid. The > > Jewish organizations over-reacted. But this says little about Jews in > > general. > > I agree. > I sum it all up in the following creed: people are assholes. The only part race plays is that it might change the color of the person who's annoying me at the time.

Quote #150 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" wrote in message news:8u29dk$jdma$1@ID-42467.news.dfncis.de... > "Doomriser" wrote in message > news:8u1ee3$i4v$1@nnrp1.deja.com... > [snip] <snip> > LOL > I didn't know 'Nazi' was a language :) It's German spoken with more anger. Don't you watch the movies?

Quote #151 -- Chuck

"Kynes" wrote in message news:3a11a120.0@silver.truman.edu... > "Chuck" wrote in message >news:8uslll$1o2k$1@newssvr06-en0.news.prodigy.com... > > > Al Gore and George Bush would have to play a game of poker, five-card > > stud to be exact. The winner gets the electoral votes. > > Are you serious? You can't make up shit like this! Actually I can come close. I told my students today: "The bad news is that Sadam Hussein is forging overseas ballots to try and change the election. The good news is he voted for Buchanan by mistake." > That would be the greatest thing ever. :D I would love to see it happen. George W would put on a big novelty cowboy hat or something, Al would be sitting across from him like he had a rod up his ass and wearing a derby. "I'll see your bet and I'll raise you Kentucky."

Quote #152 -- Chuck

"Paradox" wrote in message news:8uv5kb$lig$1@slb7.atl.mindspring.net... > > To the citizens of the United States of America, > > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > independence, effective today. > [snip] Okay, that's it, I want this goddamn election over! Now! Somebody just concede already. Would you two look at this? They're making fun of us! They think we can't even count! Would you look at this?!!!! We've even got Guatamala making fun of us. Guatamala! Their main exports are political refugees and tropical diseases, and they're making fun of us!!! Stop it already! If this was a movie I'd be laughing my ass off right now, but it's reality! What the hell is going on?!!!!!

Quote #153 -- Chuck

"Strowbridge" wrote in message news:3A14B855.ADDD1ABE@home.com... > If you are here the answer should be obvious. But go here anyway: > > http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/pds.html > > Learn what type of nut you are! > "Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s): To evaluate this further" So I have no personality type at all? Damn, now I know how Al Gore feels.

Quote #154 -- Chuck

"Enigma" wrote in message news:y1vS5.2226$HA4.38678@newscontent-01.sprint.ca... > *Enigma takes his sword and decapitates Wong.* > > "HAH! This is what I think of your glorious Wong!":):) I didn't even know you were Jewish.

Quote #155 -- Chuck

"Colonel814" wrote in message news:29801-3A1737DE-39@storefull-286.iap.bryant.webtv.net... > STAR TREK RULES!!!!!!!! > Oki am done, please dont flood me with reply after reply on how ST > sucks, stinks (other "nice" words) it is my own personal opinion, i > know there ALWAYS will be people against ST, so PLEASE do not have a cow > after reading my message. > > Signed: The Colonel! > Apparently you've been smoking some of the eleven herbs and spices.

Quote #156 -- Chuck

The question of how a few small disorganized militias were able to ultimately defeat the most powerful nation on earth has been argued amongst historians for many years. How is it that the side with more troops, ships, weapons, and supplies and leaders with years of combat experience was ultimately defeated? After much consideration, I have hit upon the earthshattering truth, one which was so obvious no one ever even saw it. The British soldiers all wore red shirts. That being considered, it's a wonder the war was even close.

Quote #157 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" wrote in message news:3A2A823E.C9720A44@mtu.edu... > Spyda wrote: > > > Damn, that was one hell of a party! > > > You did two Chucks at once? > I can tell you this didn't happen. Well, I'm pretty sure it didn't, unless Spyda isn't Spyda. Okay, let's just say it involved Britany Spears and an accident with a time machine and just leave it at that. The only problem is that no matter what you do you're going to wind up with sloppy seconds. "Oh what a daaaaay, when it's me and you and meeeeee..... Just the three of us, one of you and two of meeeeee....." Britany didn't care for the song too much. She also got upset when I pinched her butt. Who knew she hated it? Problem was that when I came back the second time I forgot about it. "Oops, I did it again," I said. She got mad and told me to get the hell out, that she had just had the idea for a song and that if I wanted it to continue, well, I could just screw myself, which I didn't really think was a good idea either time. Anyway officer, that's why I ran through that stop sign.

Quote #158 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" wrote in message news:91hnsj$41ttg$1@ID-42467.news.dfncis.de... > "Raven Ford" wrote in message > news:91f2uj$3ujs1$1@ID-63060.news.dfncis.de... > [snip] > > Listen, YOU shave your pubic hair and then get back to me on that. > > hehehe, I've actually done that a few times. It does start to itch a bit. > Wow look at the time. It's not even 4:30 and I already know too much about you.

Quote #159 -- Chuck

The cell opened and Scotty inched away as Darth Vader walked in, his heavy mechanical breathing terrifying. The Dark Lord leaned down towards the frightened officer. "Now you will di-" Scotty held up his hand and blew a pile of dust in Vader's facemask. There was a great intake of air and a giant mechanical sneeze followed by two words. "Aw shit...."

Quote #160 -- Chuck

> The Yosemite Bear (The Best trained bear in ASVS) If Yogi Bear was from ASVS: Yogi Bear: Heeeey Booboo! How about some pic-a-nic bas-kets? Booboo: Gee Yogi, I don't think the ranger's gonna like this. Yogi Bear: Yeah, welllll fuck the ranger Booboo!

Quote #161 -- Chuck

"LT.Hit-Man" <LT101@microsith.com> wrote in message news:943ann$bv7jk$1@ID-36661.news.dfncis.de... > http://www.thinhline.com/thl.cgi?thl2 > if you dare Ben: Luke.... Leia is your sister. Luke: Ben, you say that about every girl that's giving me head. What's with you?

Quote #162 -- Chuck

<lordshaithis@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:946qua$1oj$1@nnrp1.deja.com... > *bangs on table with fist* > > Death Star! Eclipse! BDZ! Galaxy Gun! Kill kill kill! I love this thought. It's like nuking Green Peace. :-)

Quote #163 -- Conjunction Chuck
"I am an army of one."

"Moen" <hkmoen@NObigSPAMfoot.com.INVALID> wrote in message news:dinr6tgsd28i8p61smp30nmogft4eesp4f@4ax.com... > Have you ever killed a person? > Just once. It was the spring of '93 and my buddies and I in the engineering program had just completed the prototype for our new condom, the ribbed wonder. I won the priveledge of testing the item, so we went down to the club. I knew the minute I laid eyes on her that she was the woman this condom had been made for. A little song, a little dance, a little action in your pants, next thing you know the field testing had begun. Unfortunately, we had designed it too well, or maybe I was too good, who can tell. In any event, it was too much for her and her heart gave out. It took the doctors two hours just to get the smile off her face. Anyway, after that I couldn't go on. I left engineering and never looked back, and was attending at the seminary that very fall. So, if any of you have ever wondered how someone like me became a minister, now you know.

Quote #164 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" wrote in message news:94fm7t$dn1s7$1@ID-42467.news.dfncis.de... > Well, that ALMOST made me regret not watching the endless news coverage of > every single inaugural morsel. Almost, but not quite. > I tuned in just for the swearing in ceremony. I was a bit disappointed; I was hoping Bush would screw it up. Justice:"Do solemnly swear to faithfully execute the office of president of the United States..." Bush:"Do solemnly swear to exe-.. to... Aw man, that's too long, can we shorten it up?" Yeah, I support him, but I'll take a good joke over politics any day. :-) "Repeat after me. I, George Walker Bush..." "Ohhh no no no, you're not fooling me. _I'm_ George Walker Bush!"

Quote #165 -- Chuck

"Graeme Dice" wrote in message news:3A88A12A.CC5F32B6@sk.sympatico.ca... > Phong Nguyen wrote: > > <snip> > > > Not my fault people aren't willing to work hard to get into college. A > > lot of them are *proud* of not doing work and openly taunt us 'smart' > > people (the third of us or so who do care). > > That's why you do what I did, and beat the ones who taunt you up. > > They don't bother you after that. I had the opposite problem; being a big hairy guy people thought I was an idiot. That's even more irritating IMO. I would be sitting somewhere thinking about things, and people think you're just a dumb brick looking at a wall. Someone would snicker and ask "Hey, watcha thinkin' about big guy?" The fun thing to do is to get a big, stupid guy voice and say something like "I was considering the nature of matter and how it relates to the spirit of Democritus' original theory on the concept of atoms. Despite the existence of said particle his original precept seemed to be the ultimiate indivisibility of matter, and would the fact that the atom can be split repeatedly afterwards validate the alternate theory that matter is, at its essence, infinitely divisible?" Sometimes they get a weird look 'cause you're collapsing their little worldview; that's when you say: "It's just something us guys were discussing at the gym the other day while we were doing some reps."

Quote #166 -- Chuck

Imagine locking up the incredible hulk and flooding his body with steroids. While this is going on you hit him on the head with a hammer every ten seconds for a week. After this you point him in the direction of Woody Allen for a fight. This is the Empire vs. the Psychlos.

Quote #167 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" wrote in message news:3A8E905A.62BE82AA@mtu.edu... > Some stupid nobody wrote: > > > > who's chris farley? > > > He was a Jedi knight and a fine pilot. Vader killed him. lol Chris Farley to play Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode III Yoda: What say you, Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan: Oh, ah, gee, um, it seems that I, uh, unwittingly led young Anakin to the, um Dark Side. Yoda: Told you I did. Fucked in the head is he. Now, matters are worse. Obi-Wan: I'll try to bring him back. Yoda: Screwed things up enough you did. Take my advice you did not. A mile away could I see this shit coming. Obi-Wan: I shall take the advice of Jedi Master David Spade in retrieving him. Yoda: Hear you nothing that I say? Arrogant little fucker you are. I banish you to that armpit planet he did come from.

Quote #168 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" wrote in message news:3AAF9B57.B7E8D4AC@mtu.edu... > Every time Bones says, "He's dead Jim." There is never ever any trauma > on the body and he never ever acts like a real doctor or tries to revive > the guy. > "He's dead Jim." "You've barely looked at him." "I'm a doctor, I know." "Why don't you try to revive him?" "It's too much like work." "What?!" "I said it's too late for him." "Wait, is he still breathing?" "No, just a nerve twitch." "I saw him move." "He's dead. Watch." [begins kicking him in the head] "Bones, stop it!" "See! All dead." "Bones, he's trying to fight you off!" "No he's not. Stay dead you stupid-" "Bones for the love of God!" "*huff* *huff* See.... dead."

Quote #169 -- Chuck

Actually recorded in the Bible (and obviously not an April Fool's Day joke) "In those days C.S. Augustus issued a decree that all the world should vote for him. This was the first that took place while Kynes was maintainer of the R&R. And so Aron Kerkhof got up from the town of Mooresville, in Indiana, because he belonged to the house and line of Galactec. He brought with him Raven, who was expecting a child. And Rob Dalton, who had not yet cut his hair and was therefore still filled with his great strength, killed a thousand philistines with Deimos' jawbone." And then there's a passage about BDZing a planet in an hour, but I forget the reference.

Quote #170 -- Chuck

"Kazuaki Shimazaki" wrote in message news:3ACE6E96.3D8A@netvigator.com... > Well, what if we call this a part of the Fic, only a fraction of a > chapter which wasn't meant to be a main battle scene (pretty damn > obvious because we're using a mere gunship :)) to start with with a > minor character. Under these qualifications, would it be better, Chuck? If it was in context it might be better. However, the name "Gonar" must go; it sounds like some kind of genital radar. "My Gonar is going off. There's definitely pussy nearby, captain!"

Quote #171 -- Chuck

> Yep, I'll even promise not to mock it for at least 3 episodes. > We couldn't even make it through the first episode of Voyager without doing that. It was just too sad. We had a whole slew of people in my dorm room for the opening episode, and we were all excited. I think it all started crashing when Janeway first opened her mouth to Tom Paris and we got to hear those nicotine-stained vocal cords for the first time. After her insistence on being called only captain except "in a crunch" we referred to her as Captain Crunch for the next month. By the end people were being just brutal. Chakotay falls and breaks his leg on the stairs. Someone yells "Why don't you spirit walk out of there, Tonto!" Everyone started getting nicknames: Elfqueen (for Kes), Benson (Neelix), Kirk Jr. (Paris), Hormone (Torres), and Two-Fuck (Tuvok). It wasn't until Parallax that Chakotay got the name Chocolate Day. Anyway, Voyager shattered my ability to be optimistic when it comes to Trek.

Quote #172 -- Chuck

I went to a Wendy's drive thru today, and when I pulled up to the window I found out the window cashier (male) had: black nail polish, mascara, about four lip rings, and two spikes protruding nearly an inch out of his chin. Now, some of you may dress that way and find it fashionable, and to each their own. But if you were the manager, why would you put someone like that in a position where they regularly come in contact your customers? I can just imagine the guy they bumped back to working the grill. "Welcome to Wendy's. I am Lord Mortica, prince of all that is dark and evil, and you will BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! MWAHAHAHA!!! It's all me, my will, MY WILL, NOT YOURS! I've got the keys to the kingdom! That's right, I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!!!!! Would you like to try a combo today?"

Quote #173 -- Chuck

"Dalton" wrote in message news:3AFE0505.E548FE41@daltonator.net... > Durandal wrote: > > > > MKSheppard wrote: > > > > > Cuz in "Homestead", the Talaxians are getting energy > > > from geothermal energy on an asteroid. > > > > > > WTF?!?!?!?1? > > > > I just wouldn't ask. This ranks right up there with baryon sweeps and > > cracks in event horizons. > > My God, that sounds like some sort of sick Fetish porn flick. > > "SWEEP MY BARYONS, BITCH! OH, DEEPER INTO THE CRACK OF MY EVENT HORIZON, > YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST!" > "Please state the nature of this sexual emergency." bow-chaka-chaka-bow-wow...

Quote #174 -- Chuck

[a crackle of electricity as a silhouette solidifies into the shape of a man in a strange uniform] Helmsman: Captain? Sam: Hmm? Helmsman: Should I engage the warp? Sam: Warp? Oh yes, sure. Engage away. [pauses] Number one, you have the bridge.[walks off, appears in Ready Room] Al: Nice threads. Sam: Al, what's going on? Al: Ah, well, according to Ziggy, you've leaped into the body of Scott Bakula, an out of work actor who's now helming a new series for the science fiction show Star Trek. Sam: I see. And what's my job here? Al: Um, you are [bangs controller] you need to ensure that all Star Trek continuity is completely destroyed. Sam: That sounds hard. Al: Not to worry. You'll be aided by two men: Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. Ziggy estimates that you have a 99.99% chance of success. Sam: Sounds pretty good. Al: The only chance of failure is if they're both hit by a falling asteroid. Sam: Both men getting hit by one single asteroid is only .01%? Al: Yeah, well, God has been gunning for them ever since season four of Deep Space Nine.

Quote #175 -- Chuck

"Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message news:KbCP6.21795$CD5.11446884@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com... > "Chuck" <sonn@sfdebris.com> wrote in message > news:9emq4h$7r4a$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > > "Raven Ford" <rave16@swbell.net> wrote in message > > news:9emhnt$6j9k$1@ID-63060.news.dfncis.de... > > > I'm rather tired of cis.dfn.de crapping out on me all of the time. So, > > > does anyone else know of any good free newservers? > > > > > [shrug] You get what you pay for. > > There's a tithing or indulgences joke there somewhere, but after hitting > at it several times with my +4 Pickaxe of Composition, still nothing. So just > think of one and post it, since you're pretty funny too. Art thou paying too much for web access? Is waiting for thy messages a living purgatory? Then thou needs to check out Crazy Jehovah's Markdown Madness Sale! At Crazy J's we're dropping fire and brimstone on the competition and passing the savings onto thee! Low prices nailed up all over the store! A pox on thee if thou tries to find lower prices elsewhere! Crazy J will meet or beat any competitor's price, GUARANTEED! [Offer not valid in Alaska, Hawaii and Peurto Rico. Crazy Jehovah is a registered trademark of Holy Roller Enterprises and is not in any way associated with the Jehovah's Witnesses or Pat Robertson.]

Quote #176 -- Chuck

"Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message news:iXeW6.284037$oc7.18287293@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com... > > Oh come on Kynes, we know the history behind what you said there. Don't > > act all innocent. > > What history? What are you talking about? There is no Biblical "Second > Base OF HADES!!" prohibition. > But the Bible does contain the first warnings about health risks from smoking marijuana. II Kings 4:20 - "Oh man of God, there is death in the pot!" And it was after this that they started putting warning labels on cigarette packs.

Quote #257 -- Chuck

Today I went out and bought a puppy and named him "Warp Drive". After several hours of observation, I can now state with certainty the following observations: 1) Warp Drive is not very fast at all. Not only does it not break the speed of light, it doesn't even break the sound barrier. 2) Warp Drive produces noxious emmissions. The waste material is also pretty toxic. 3) Warp Drive likes to lick its own balls. I hope that the group will accept these objective scientific observations that have recently come to light.

Quote #272 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" <mdoughy@mtu.edu> wrote in message news:3B3DE124.E18FC9CA@mtu.edu... > I thought that was funny, but then I thought, "he should have just said > 'rhymes with capital one,'", like "I shall rename mainless, but my name > rhymes with Matt." > I thought of writing Kapital One, but I was worried people would think I'm using Shep's labeling of communism. In the end I liked "Rapital One" 'cause it sounds like Scooby-Doo's talking.

Quote #273 -- Chuck

"Kabuki Shimazaki" <krasnaya@netvigator.com> wrote in message news:3B3E8D3A.1177@netvigator.com... > FOr instance, let's say 10,000 of these flaws have to do with the > plumbing system. How would Thrawn exploit a flaw that involved balky > toilets inside the ISD? :) Thrawn: I have a delivery here of three hundred thousand Taco Bell Gorditas with extra hot sauce. Captain: I didn't order any Gorditas. Thrawn: Maybe your first officer did. Captain: Oh yeah you're right. He's always doing that sort of thing. Say, don't I know you? Thrawn: I've got that kind of face.

Quote #274 -- Chuck

"Strowbridge" <strowbridge@home.com> wrote in message news:3B48C74C.1F422F97@home.com... > Deimos Anomaly wrote: > > > > Jedi Knight Toren Depor wrote: > > > > > I also thot the Enterprise in TOS was the first starship Enterprise. > > > > Nope, there's been Enterprise's for years. > > > > In the Star Trek continuity, The first Enterprise was I believe a wooden > > sailing ship in the 17th century. There were various Enterprises up > > through the years, including the currently-existing, real-life USS > > Enterprise CVN-65, and ending with the USS Enterprise NCC 1701-E > > Deimos, what does the term 'starship' mean to you? > I was thinking the same thing. Maybe in a few centuries the Federation will awaken a cryogenically frozen Bob Villa to take care of it. "Now what we've done here is used a layer of caulk to properly seal the wooden ship so that none of its air leaks into the vacuum of space; and of course, it'll save you 30% on your heating bills. While they finish that, let's go down below where they're attaching the nacelles to the rudder."

Quote #275 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" <atomikchicken@excite.com> wrote in message news:9j0gbc$kqupu$1@ID-42467.news.dfncis.de... > "92knight" <92knight@home.com> wrote in message > news:IVN37.173979$Mf5.47051637@news3.rdc1.on.home.com... > > Listen Transcend, in ALL of your replies you have proceeded to insult and > > use foul language. Is this ALL that is in your vocabulary? Fuck this, fuck > > that, fuck you all...Very mature. Very mature indeed. A newsgroup is not the > > place for foul language. > > Why the fuck not, shithead? :) > No no no. Just cursing in response to someone saying not to curse is too worn out. Too obvious. You need to go in a different direction. Here's let's try some examples. First, we can turn this back to an on top discussion through allusion. > > A newsgroup is not the place for foul language. That's why we don't see Kirk, Spock, and Data here. Their colorful metaphors get out of hand which violated their TOS and they lost their accounts. Then there's the judo method, where you use the strength of the poster and twist it around in a different direction. > > A newsgroup is not the place for foul language. Save it for the premiere of "Enterprise." Then you can snip for the out of context one. > > Fuck this, fuck > > that, fuck you all... Rick Berman addresses a Star Trek convention. Then there's the ironic angle. (not to be confused with the Ironic Angel, master of sarcasm) > > Listen Transcend, in ALL of your replies you have proceeded to insult > > and use foul language. That covers about 73% of all USENET posts. The rest are advertisements for hot asian nudes. Then, of course, since this revolves around Transcend you can go for the easy slam dunk. > > Listen Transcend, in ALL of your replies you have proceeded to insult > > and use foul language. Is this ALL that is in your vocabulary? There's also "Concession accepted" and "Get this trash can off me! Help mother help!" And of course, whenever maturity is mentioned you can descend into completely immature silliness. > > Listen Transcend, in ALL of your replies you have proceeded to insult and > > use foul language. Is this ALL that is in your vocabulary? Fuck this, fuck > > that, fuck you all...Very mature. Very mature indeed. Is "titties" immature? It's fun to say titties. Titties! "Oh the wonderful thing about titties Is titties are wonderful things Their bottoms are made out of rubber Their tops are made out of springs Their bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy Fun fun fun fun fun! And the most wonderful thing about titties is chicks have more than one!" This post brought to you by the Pussy Foundation. Pussy: It's What's For Dinner. And you get the idea. Now let's get those scores up! Go team go!

Quote #276 -- Chuck

""Barking Sad" MKSheppard" <ryanwolf@erols.com> wrote in message news:3b5895d1.5288458@news.erols.com... > On Fri, 20 Jul 2001 14:08:05 +1200, The Insidious Spyda > <spyda@adjective-army.com> wrote: > > >"Personally I would have > >just let it run out of petrol." said the nail gun guy. > > WTF do you call it petrol? It's GAS! as in GASoline! > They use different words than we do in America. Instead of elevator, they say lift. Instead of fries, they say chips. Instead of a flashlight, they say a torch. Instead of organized crime, they say royal family. See?

Quote #277 -- Chuck

"Strowbridge" <strowbridge@home.com> wrote in message news:3B5FA80C.75B306FF@home.com... > Dalton wrote: > > > > Chuck wrote: > > > > > Right, my point being that I don't think a gun is necessary home defense > > > against people, that you can use other items as weapons. > > > > Anything could become a weapon with enough imagination. The problem > > occurs when people start thinking of guns as status symbols. > > Or Penis Compensators. > Captain: Activate the Penis Compensators! 1st Officer: No good, the powers down. Helm: Sir, we're picking up something on our Gonar. It may be a hot chick. Captain: Divert all power to the testes and let's just pray damage control gets those Penis Compensators back on line!

Quote #278 -- Chuck

"The Insidious Spyda" <spyda@adjective-army.com> wrote in message news:3B613845.7FAF0EEB@adjective-army.com... > It just occured to me that the civilian population of the Federation is > almost a closed system. They sleep, they eat from replicators that they > maintain, they don't pay taxes, they pretty much just do stuff amongst > themselves that has little to no impact on the galaxy. Would they even > notice if they were under new management? It's a big Empire, I doubt > that Earth would be of much importance to them, and once they've been > taken over they're technically Imperial citizens anyway. > > Any thoughts? > That's the funniest thought I've heard all day. [TIE flies over Paris with a loudspeaker blaring]: Now hear this. Earth is now under Imperial control. Citizen1: Here's a commbadge, call someone who cares. [AT-AT marches through Sydney]: From this day forward you will not be allowed to leave the planet without informing the government where you're going. Citizen2: So, same old shit, huh? [Stormtrooper walks up the streets of San Francisco with a megaphone]: Your rights are hereby suspended until further notice. Citizen3: Would you keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!

Quote #292 -- Chuck

"Boris Badenov" wrote in message news:395rmtkmf7eqhk1lvsm5oh0op3h55j9f82@4ax.com... > On Sun, 05 Aug 2001 01:44:21 -0400, Laura Goodwin > wrote: > > |Chuck wrote: > | > |> Yowsa. Making a tombstone is not the place for spelling errors. > |> "Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers." > | > |I want my tombstone to read: > | > |"If you can read this, it's not too late." > > How' 'bout "Beam me up, Lord!" > > In fact, this is an idea for a thread: Trek related epitaphs for us, > or epitaphs for our favorite Trek characters... > Kirk: "You're dead, Jim." Worf: "Yesterday was a good day to die." Neelix: "We'll never forget your final words: Please don't kill me." Chekov: "I have shed my earthly wessel." Chakotay: "This reminds me of a story my people tell..... ...was a bear.... ...and the god of the hornet snot arose... ...all the people danced and sang... ...punished for their arrogance... ....and that's why cheese is unhealthy."

Quote #293 -- Chuck

Maybe it's just me, but I've never really found *cough* dipshit *cough* or similar remarks funny on Usenet. It's mildly amusing in some cases in real life, but mostly it's a tired old gag, and it works even less well in print form. It's like trying to do ASCII art with sign language, all you wind up doing is just making a jerking off motion with your hands.

Quote #296 -- Chuck

He doesn't have a first name. "Palpatine" was just a name he adopted when he was accidentally transported to Naboo across time and space by a bizarre baking soda-vinegar accident. The transport left his mind and body altered and resulted in his twisted morals and his embrace of the Dark Side. Anyway, his real name is Bill Nye.

Quote #299 -- Chuck

"Strowbridge" <strowbridge@home.com> wrote in message news:3B782802.E641EBCE@home.com... > I don't see Breast Size in there. Or is that covered under Costume. > That is the entire purpose of costume, to accentuate breasts. Observe the first costumes of TNG, with their perfect conformity to every curve; Tasha Yar was in danger of poking eyes out. Counsillor Troi's regular cleavage shots, which would have worked too if she wasn't beaten with an ugly stick. Than there's Major Kira's "See this butt? Touch this butt." costume. And then, of course, Seven of Nine's "Who the fuck needs imagination?" threads, which proved that the nacelles weren't the only thing on the ship that lift and seperate. Yes, Star Trek is all about the female form, and we haven't even started on the old miniskirts....

Quote #496 -- Chuck

Chuck: Then I'd sell them on the white slave trade anyway. HAHAHAHA!!!! Give them hope and then snatch it away!... Deimos Anomaly: I thought you claimed to be a "christian". Being a (formerly) ordained minister and so on... Chuck: And I am. I'm just saying what I would do if I would be in total control of the female prisoners in a Singapore prison. I also would have my own batmobile and a club where they'd always play my favorite songs.

Quote #548 -- Chuck Sonnenburg

Men and women are just on different wavelengths. I swear this was an actual conversation, no embellishments at all. Wife: My sister and I are going out to Subway to get supper. Me: Could you go to Culvers for me on your way back [Culvers is like a McDonald's] Wife: Okay, what do you want? Me: Hm, I'm kind of hungry. Get me two cheeseburgers and a coke. She leaves, and eventually comes back with a Wendy's bag under her arm. Me: Oh, you went to Wendy's? Wife: Yeah, Culvers was too busy, I didn't feel like waiting. Me: Sure, okay. I open the bag, pull out my coke, and a burger and fries. Me: Why'd you get me a burger and fries instead of two cheeseburgers? Wife: I told you, Culvers was busy. I opened my mouth and then shut it, confused. Me: But, why wouldn't you get what I asked for? Wife: [getting a little flustered] Because, like I already told you, Culvers was busy. Me: I know, I really know that. But why wouldn't you get me two sandwiches like I asked? Wife: [through her teeth] Because.... Culvers... was busy! Me: I understand that I understand that. I'm just trying to understand your thinking. Why, when I say to get two burgers would you get a burger and fries, regardless of the restaurant? My wife gives the deepest and most frustrated sigh I've ever heard. Wife: Be-CAUSE, like I've told you how many times, CUL-VERS was BUS-Y!!! Me: ... Wife: Was there something else?! Me: Do we have any ketchup for the fries?

Quote #549 -- Chuck Sonnenburg

stephen hobbs: i would just like to say that i love both star trek and star wars but you star wars fans keep knocking star trek's problems they do have them i'm sure but i have to say somthing that has been needing to be said for some time star wars like star trek is not perfect there i've said it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chuck: I see you saved up all your punctuation points for the very end.

Quote #634 -- Chuck

"Deimos Anomaly" <samueljamieson@aol.com> wrote in message news:3BC822F8.7FBE9133@aol.com... > > > > I don't see anything on the website... > > > > > > My post there is a copy-paste job from a post on assaultweb.net > > > > > > Thread: http://assaultweb.net/ubb/Forum1/HTML/214528.html > > > > And you automatically believed it? > > Two seperate posts on the same subject appeared, by two different > authors, both quoting Foxnews. That's good enough for me, for the time > being. > The more I learn about Deimos, the more I understand the reaction of the crowd during Brutus and Antony's speeches in Julius Caesar. "Brutus is our king!" "Antony is our king!" "Is this an assault rifle I see before me, it's magazine towards my hand?"

Quote #635 -- Chuck

Two and a half years later, and we can now enjoy Jake Lloyd's performance in beautiful crisp and clear images and surround sound. The only problem, it's still just Jake Lloyd. Therefore, to spice it up, I suggest the following mental cure: replace Anakin with a goat. Yes, it sounds stupid. Just try it. Throw goat noises in occassionally too. Yoda: A vergence you say. Windu: Centered around a person? Qui-Gon: A goat. Anakin: Me-e-e-eh! Windu: You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. You believe it's this... goat? Anakin: Me-e-e-eh! Kai-adi-Mundi: The Force is strong in him. Qui-Gon: He is to be trained then? Windu: No, he will not be trained. He is too old. And he's a goat. Anakin: Me-e-e-eh! Qui-Gon: Obi-wan.... promise... promise me... you'll train... the goat. Obi-Wan: *sniff* I will master. Enjoy the DVD premiere of Episode I.

Quote #636 -- Chuck

" Alex Moon" <moonman_559@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:9qfnrg$og7nd$1@ID-81316.news.dfncis.de... > > Chuck wrote in message > news:9qfndu$ju6sa$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > > > " Alex Moon" wrote in message > > news:9qf36j$mea12$1@ID-81316.news.dfncis.de... > > > > > > > > > Years ago there was a debate in Portland, OR because the libraries > > > allowed kids to check out dirty magazines. > > > > > What were they doing checking out dirty magazines in a library? "Damn, > > these pages are sure sticky..." > > > > The public libraries just had no rules as to what kids could check out > apparently, or they might have thought that the articles were worth > something. Anyways, I think the parents wanted the magazines removed and > the libarian's union was crying censorship. > I mean why does the library even have the magazines to begin with? For crying out loud, let some lonely bastard shell out his own money for a copy of Ass-Blasters instead of wasting hard-earned tax dollars on that crap. It's bad enough the libraries need three thousand copies of Danielle Steele's books, they need to blow their money on Charge of the Clit Brigade and Bust of Both Worlds? And who would even want to check out a magazine that you know ever guy in the tri-state area has gone there and back with? Why not just join the round robin heroin needle club and save the late fees?

Quote #638 -- Chuck

The number of victims of anthrax spread through the mail continues to increase, and the citizens of the United States are continuing to exercise extreme caution. However, we must now warn everyone that the terrorists responsible are now not only sending it through regular mail, but are now spreading anthrax through e-mail. Be certain to check all your incoming messages for unusual attachments and be wary of white powder secreting from your keyboard or being sprayed from your monitor. If you think you may have received anthrax contaminated e-mail, please forward it to our anthrax specialist: transcend@cybertown.com who will determine whether or not it is this dangerous bioweapon by using his psychic powers and ability to think in five-dimensional space. Don't worry, his Linux provides a shield which will stop all possible contamination and shield him from terrorist bullets. Be vigilant!

Quote #639 -- Chuck

Haven't done one of these for a while; we're overdue. "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" This deep philosophical question was answered when a group of Nepal priests attempted to applaud a very good erotic dancer. On the subject of erotic dancing, I think you'll agree that nothing is mathematically sexier than a Moebius stripper. After all, what other dancer can show you her back AND her front at the same time?

Quote #640 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3BF014CB.8F151B15@daltonator.net... > His Divine Shadow {PHX} wrote: > > > > I hear people here say that the TM is not official in the sense that a > > SW novel is, though people on SB claims its official: > > > > http://kier.3dfrontier.com/forums/showthread.php?s=7c4e1fc61ae8ad69b7def2dcd > > aa8542c&postid=380785#post380785 > > ...and? > Yup, ASVS and SB do not agree, fact #132 on the No Shit list. Right between "Water is wet" and "Strowbridge has an ego" if memory serves.

Quote #649 -- Chuck

"Phong Nguyen" <phong.nguyen@deadspam.com> wrote in message news:Xns915C69C326EAphongnguyenusanet@130.133.1.4... > "Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in > news:9t4sts$bbhb$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de: > > > > > "Phong Nguyen" <phong.nguyen@deadspam.com> wrote in message > > news:Xns915BAF209A10Cphongnguyenusanet@130.133.1.4... > >> Trailer 3 has been released now. > > > > Well know we know > > > > "Its all Obi-Wan's fault, he's holding me back" > > "your not all powerfull ani" > > "well I should be........someday I will be the most powerfull Jedi > > ever" > > > Sorry, Anakin, but you won't be. You'll always be...second best. > Ah, now to rethink return of the Jedi in light of this. Vader's thoughts before the Emperor: Come Luke, join the Dark Side and we will destroy the Emperor, and I'll be the most powerful Jedi. Vader's thoughts as he tempts Luke: Join the Dark Side, and together we can kill the Emperor and I'll be the most powerful Jedi. Vader's thoughts as his hand's cut off: Fuck me!!! Vader's thoughts as Luke gets fried: [looks at Emperor] He looks distracted [looks at Luke] He looks pretty exhausted, I could beat him now. [Picks up Emperor] Take that! Vader as Luke comes over to his side: Uh, too exhausted to push the little shit over the edge...

Quote #650 -- Chuck

Today I got one of those It's-late-afternoon-Sunday blues, then I realized "What the hell do you care? You work every day anyway." Highlight of my weekend at work: tormenting the graphic design guy. "Hey Steve, you've been working on the world map, right?" "Yeah. The damn thing's finally done." "It looks great, but just one question. When did the Baltic Sea become a country?" Looks. "Fuck!!!" "You may want to fix that, otherwise the military might wonder why their tanks keep sinking." "Shut the fuck up Sonnenburg!"

Quote #651 -- Chuck

"Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote in message news:u0p6pgida32mbc@corp.supernews.com... > My website is famous! > > http://www.jimski.net/weird.html > > Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when the Internet made me want to gather my family around me and cry quietly for the human race. I can just imagine our founding fathers (for American's, of course): Washington: I like this whole freedom of speech thing, but what kind of boundaries do we have in mind? Jefferson: I want to speak freely and without shame about my desire to screw dolphins. Hancock: I enjoy the thought of women being eaten alive. Ahhh.... Madison: Two words: butt candle. Franklin: Am I the only one who thinks The Little Mermaid is a fine piece of ass? Adams: Nothing is more arousing than a woman with a good hiccup! Hamilton: I want to shout "fire" in a crowded theater. [silence] Washington: Burr, take this sick motherfucker out back and shoot him.

Quote #660 -- Chuck

"CMacLeod666" <MacLeod21@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:7563f7b3.0112082224.26c8118@posting.google.com... > Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message > news:<3C12E08D.B9014606@daltonator.net>... > > Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote: > > > > > > Durandal wrote: > > > > > > > > Copy/paste from stardestroyer.net: > > > > > > > > . Very cute, guys. You have now proven beyond a reasonable doubt > > > > that you are a bunch of babies, by letting Adam Gehrls accept the > > > > challenge > > > > > > Who's Adam Gerhls? Who knows him? > > > > Me. > > > I'm him. Connor MacLEod. > > Intend to make something of it? Because I'm in a VERY violent mood over > all this :D Better watch your step boy. I once killed a man just for snoring in his sleep, and.... oh wait, that was Billy the Kid. Think think... I did kill a spider last week. Well, not technically "kill," but I did pick up the corpse with a handful of tissues and flushed it, and I only gagged twice, so you just better watch it! "Beware the fury of a patient man" is an important platitude to remember. I'll teach you a thing or two; things like, according to dictionary.com "platitude" is "an egg-laying mammal with a flat tail and beak-like snout." Heh, I'll bet *that* woke you up to just what kind of an opponent you're facing! Yes, you're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to outhink- hey, what's this button on the front of my computer d-

Quote #661 -- Chuck

I'm apologizing right now. I said I'd have WWE Redux out yesterday, and it didn't. It's not coming out tonight either. The fact is, I'm putting in such long days at work I'm just not lucid enough to finish the chapter. At work someone decided to create a special division in the company called the something something (can't say 'cause I don't know if it'd get me fired) but the acronym spells out FAG. I had to insert about fifty graphics into the document today, each with the caption "FAG Block Diagram." I snickered every time. I nearly pissed myself when I saw that our trucks are assembled using "a dedicated nut-runner." I know I'm not alone in this, because last night someone who had also not slept well in a long time was asked, "Do you remember how to pixelate this graphic" or something similar, to which he replied, very loudly I might add, "Do you remember how to lick my ass?!" I'm surprised he didn't get fired over that; it gives me comfort since I couldn't stop walking around the office saying "FAG Block Diagram." Or poor Tony who made toast at work only to discover the little margarine sticks had been tossed out. He just wandered through the cubicles saying "Don't blame me, I'm just a man with no butter." In other words, WWE R will be much better after I've slept instead of writing it right now, lest Picard take on Thrawn with his dedicated nut runner.

Quote #685 -- Chuck

You know, if I ever wrote for Star Trek, I'd have a nameless security guard in the story who would be sent into certain doom and always come out okay, no matter what happened. It would just be constant, "Oh, he's a dead man, no question about OH MY GOD HE'S STILL ALIVE!!!" I think I'll call it "The Day No Redshirts Died." Chakotay: Crewman! The deadly foul-smelling, mucus-secreting, quadruple-jawed, yellow-spotted, furry, blue-bottomed, mutating lesbian pecker beast is in there! We'll try to circle around and drive it towards you. Crewman: Yes sir! (The only thing he'll be allowed to say the entire episode) They drive the beast towards the crewman who stands between it and an exit to run rampant around the ship and create at least twenty minutes of plot complications. It snarls and leaps through the air as he fires, the weapon having no effect. Just before it can rip his throat out the crewman shoots a support on a scaffolding and brings the works on top of it, knocking it unconscious. Chakotay: Good work crewman! Transporter Room #1, beam the creature directly to sickbay. Let's just hope the Doctor doesn't accidentally errect one of those pussy forcefields to keep it in or it'll more than likely escape to kill again. Crewman: Yes sir!

Quote #688 -- Chuck

A very peculiar thing happened. Using the powers of darkness and evil (which I learned by watching Harry Potter) I called up the spirit of the late playwrite William Shakespeare. I showed him a sampling of the remarks in the Wes thread, and with a sigh he reached out his arm and we sailed through the window into the clouds, soaring over the land and sea at speeds I found it best not to consider. We descended uneventfully just off the River Thames, where he led me in the direction of the Globe Theatre. We stopped suddenly, and my heart ne'r did seize as he plunged his spectral hand into the earth, and pulled from it a copy of his masterpiece work of "Hamlet." With a glance the book opened before him, rifling through pages as if blown by a hearty wind, then coming to a sudden stop in Act III, Scene 1. I looked on the words written with the very hands that now held the book, and was overcome with awe. Then without warning a pen appeared in the Bard's right hand, and he scratched out the words "brevity is the soul of wit." "Alas," the exhausted spirit said, "he has proven me wrong." And then he and the book faded into the darkness. As for how I got back, well, I'd tell you but you'd never believe me.

Quote #690 -- Chuck

I have, through careless research, besmirched someone's reputation. In a different thread I stated that Wes Hutchings was reported to news.admin.net-abuse.usenet 79 times over the past several years. I've since learned that my post was an overestimation, a fact which has so greatly troubled me I had to go and look "besmirched" up in the dictionary. Please allow me to set the record straight. Wes Hutchings has only been reported 71 times, not 79. I apologize for the damage my mistake may have caused. Getting to the specific details, since I'd like to earn my credit in Troll Theater (thanks Phil), approximately 63 of those posts were made with the e-mail address yrkoon@jps.net and were made from May to August of 1999. An additional 7 were made from the account yrkoon44444@my-deja.com and were made from late January to early April of 2000. Only one, so far, has been found on his current account yyrkoon@cwnet.com, the August 20, 2001 post quoted by DMZ. Further research may reveal more, but it will be up to someone else to perform it, since these fifteen minutes are no doubt more than what I should have expended in the first place.

Quote #698 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3C2ED878.C43193DB@daltonator.net... > An example of how my train of thought can steam out of control: > > Sitting here, watching Rondell Sheridan...thinking "Damn, this guy looks > like a black Richard Kind" then I start thinking "Hey, Richard Kind > looks like that muppet Guy Smiley" and I stick on these two thoughts for > a while, then I move on to muppets. So all well and good on muppets for > a while; apparently I then decide it's time for muppet babies. So I > start thinking, "Fuck yeah, that show rocked, it had Star Wars" and I > hang on that for a bit, and start mentally tallying the muppet > babies..."Hmm, Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Rolf, Scooter, Skeeter..." And it's > about there that my train of thought derailed and crashed into the > factory. I can't help but think: "What the fuck happened to Skeeter?" > > It's almost like that burning question Strow had about, what was it, > Fusilli Jerry? > I know what you mean. Lately I've been obsessing over a seemingly unanswerable question. "Why are there no black people in Bedrock?" I can recall no instances of black people being in Bedrock at all. After all, Scooby Doo had black people, Bugs Bunny had black people, hell, Mickey Mouse IS black (that's why Donald Duck [whitey] hated him so; he envied the black man's success). So why not in Bedrock? Perhaps Bedrock was an all white community. Maybe that was the purpose of Fred's Legion of Waterbuffalos. When you consider that a student who referred to loud black co-eds as "waterbuffalos" was thrown out for using a racial slur, the name makes all the more sense. And the shape of their hats, much like a primitive cross in shape, could be placed on lawns and burned. "Get out," it would say, "we neanderthals don't want your kind around here." So, is it true? Is Bedrock the original of the Klan movement, the primeval beginnings of hatred found so commonly in the modern stoneage family? Alas, I as yet don't know. As for Skeeter, she took Scooter's place during the draft and was killed in Vietnam. And now you know the rest of the story.

Quote #719 -- Chuck

The problem with real truth is that it rarely sounds like a good snippet of wisdom. "Set your own moral compass, but at least try to be considerate to those around you and maybe consider that six billion other people on the planet might actually have something to teach your self-centered ass." "Follow your dreams, but make sure to keep one foot grounded in reality so you don't wind up living in a refrigerator box and having to pick lice out of your pubic hair." "Don't give in to what others demand of you, but try to be reasonable and meet people half way once in a while to show you're not a self-obsessed prick." "Live life day to day, but remember that one of those days the landlord will be asking for his f*cking money." "Break the rules, but only those rules we all know should really be broken, not the important ones like not killing people or disposing of car batteries improperly." "Don't back down... unless, of course, your stupid ass is wrong. Then back the f*ck down already." "Live life on your terms, so long as your ass is at work on time. Otherwise you'll find yourself living in a one bedroom apartment with two other guys who have more back hair then a yeti and sell plasma for a living."

Quote #720 -- Chuck

Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote: > LOL! How true! One liners never quite capture the complexities of life > :) Damn right. In fact, here's my snippet of advice: Don't try living by simple rules cause life is FUCKING COMPLICATED!!! Oh, and one more: Just do your best and hope it all doesn't go to shit.

Quote #721 -- Chuck

"Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message news:20020208181148.01996.00000437@mb-dh.aol.com... > >where does star trek roll to? > > Lately? Down the shitter. Oh well, Enterprise has it's nice moments.. Those are called "commercials."

Quote #725 -- Chuck

I am absolutely speechless how easily trolls play you like a fiddle. Troll: Hi, I'm a troll here to get you to fight with another newsgroup for my own amusement. Deimos: Hey guys, let's go invade their newsgroup. Let's go and cause trouble there so they'll get mad at us. These aren't the droids we're looking for. Move along, move along.

Quote #727 -- Chuck

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3C61C685.589CE7B0@shaw.ca... > Phony Nguyen wrote: > > > > Dalton wrote: > > > > > Deimos Anomaly wrote: > > >> > > >> Max's opinion: > > >> > > >> "the ISD could ram the borg ship while the borg ship was ramming it! > > >> Think about it. A borg ship is SQUARE. An ISD is TRIANGULAR. When's > > >> the last time you saw a man get stabbed with a square knife?" > > > > > > Wow that's dumb. But my money goes on Transcend. > > > > Hard to beat the one who was defeated by a trash receptacle. > > The really dumb part was telling us. What did he think we were going to > do? Offer condolences and sympathy? > The sad part was that he was trying to use it as proof of his own correctness in an argument. Now who else would thoroughly embarass themselves just to win an argument on usenet? Debater: ...I think this proves my point. Transcend: Your conclusions are completely wrong, and I know this because I have a one-inch penis that I still frequently catch in my zipper. Debater: Ha! What a loser! Transcend: Concession accepted.

Quote #729 -- Chuck

I take no credit for this ************************************** [CMOT Dibbler glares at the onlookers making comments. No doubt they've bought sausages or meat pies from him previously.] Yes, *the* one ring, cut from Sauron's black hand. Accept no imitations! Genuine Ring here, so fresh the Dark Lord hain't noticed it's gone! One size fits all! Real sil... gol... plat... precious metal! That's right, 100% precious! Note the fine lettering - that's Black Speech it is. One Ring here! Onna chain! Inna box!

Quote #733 -- Chuck

"Raven Ford" wrote in message news:a5a8aj$5pofs$2@ID-63060.news.dfncis.de... > Behind every great man stands a woman. > Not exactly true; the email I got from the asian nudes spammer the other day clearly showed the man was standing behind the woman.

Quote #736 -- Chuck

[Thread about STGN] A few weeks back there was a blizzard when I was on my way to work. I was travelling on a two lane highway with a deep median between the two sides. As I was driving the guy in front of me hit the brakes. I hit mine as well; he had slowed down to watch an accident, so I moved to pass him. I discovered that the snow had covered over ice because I had no traction as I pulled into the right hand lane. My car spun twice, throwing me over the median towards oncoming traffic. At literally the last possible moment my tires dug in enough to skid me to a halt in the median; I slid down the slope and, through my front window, saw nothing but the sky. As I sat there I had no idea where I was or what was going on outside my own little view of the world. It was the most disoriented I've ever felt in my life. This is a close second.

Quote #737 -- Chuck

Look, Kaz, just don't flapjack his scooby snack, okay? You can serenade the monkey 'til the crows steal the bagpipes, but that's not going to make Eleas any more convinced your march of dimes isn't soaking in its own dishwashing liquid, or the readers that you're not buttering the pinetree. Shovel the walk and move on, 'kay babe, before you look like a goat going both ways at a school crossing.

Quote #738 -- Chuck

As desktop publisher, my job is to make changes to the documents that come through from the writers themselves. I've had to type some pretty pitiful crap over these six months, but today... wow. The document is talking about the coolant system on one of our new trucks. The tech writer who submitted the original had a complete discription of how the engine's heat is dispersed, and finishes with some specifics. It was something like "heat is transferred to the coolant system at a rate of 10,000 watts." Nothing very interesting. So I get the changes from the head writer for the technical description of the truck... let me say again, the HEAD writer for all the TECHNICAL aspects of the truck. He wants me to pose a question to the original writer, one of the guys beneath him. His question: Watts per what? I thought, "This is the head tech guy. He's got to know that Watts has time included in it." But these are the same writers that think "cruciality" is a word, so I find him and ask, "Can you be more specific? Are you looking for a unit of some kind, like volume, that I could pass on?" He re-reads the paper and says, "See, he's talking about transfering 10,000 watts, but how fast? Per hour, per minute, he doesn't say." I should have fucking known. "Well," I finally bring myself to say, "Watts already has time built into it." He looks at me without saying a word. "Joules per second. There's already a time element to it." Still nothing; aw hell, I'm in this deep. "It's like saying your car is going 60 MPH and saying 'per what?' The time is already factored in." He takes a deep breath, then takes the paper back, crosses out his question, and passes it back. Nothing more is said on the subject. Apparently no one cared that my inquiry kept the secret that the guy who talks about the technical aspects of the truck doesn't know what a watt is. I did, however, get a good laugh out of one of the proofreaders with this story, who happens to have majored in physics. What perhaps made this scene even funnier was that, while this guy was re-writing the technical aspects of the truck, the two guys who understood what had been written were peeling stickers off of binder pages to save the company thirty dollars in office supplies. I wonder if True Q was on his resume...

Quote #743 -- Chuck

"Aron Kerkhof" <google@galactec.com> wrote in message news:f24e1f58.0108030809.74e1456a@posting.google.com... > You ever wonder how many people that you've known on > line and then suddenly had dropped out of sight > actually have died and you just never found out? Like Timmy? "It was the oddest thing officer. He just ran into the particle accellerator with a little model Enterprise and screamed 'My shields will hold! MY SHIELDS WILL HOLD!"

Quote #755 -- Chuck

"Melissa King" <melissaking29@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:e18380c1.0203031051.6dd89817@posting.google.com... > An important scientific development has occurred. See > "Is the Standard Model of Particle Physics in Trouble?" at > http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/smtrouble.html Everyone, please ignore this obvious attempt at trolling. The level of juivenile humor in this message is obvious, even to someone like myself who's incapable of even spelling "juvenile" properly. First, look at the chosen capital letters in the title above: I SM PP T. Clearly a not-so-subtle reference to the author wanting both S&M and golden shower action involving the big T, which I don't have to tell you what it means. This is further clinched by the message being signed off by "King," a clear reference to the largest and most phallic of all chess pieces. The link itself is to a fan site dedicated to furthering petty flamewars. It started three years ago when a member of the fringe newsgroup alt.fan.particle.beta.decay.decay.decay attacked the stance of several 80's sitcom stars, including Gary Coleman (this despite his Nobel consideration in the work of lantern technology), Markie Post, (famous for her innovation in cereal technology) and Nel Carter, who managed at a symposium to cause a small pen to orbit her body using her own massive gravitational field. Miss, excuse me, Dr. Carter responded with a scathing letter pointing out their obvious ignorance of post-tachyon displacement phenomenon interfering with their own fanboy decay models, and told them next time they feel like opening their mouths they should try heading to a particle accellerator and doing a little field research before hopping on the bandwagon. They received similar reprimands from Prof. George Wendt and Dr. John Stamos, but insisted that they were right despite this, retaliating by claiming that Nel Carter was in fact hiding all the missing mass inside her body and that John Stamos never really was very funny. Carter responded with another series of flames, saying the members of afpbddd were wrong on everything they said, except the part about John Stamos not being funny, which she called a lucky guess. It's been war ever since. This latest entry into the flamewar is as clear as transparent alumina. The obviously fake names like Weinberg (Whine-berg), and the ridiculously childish name of Fermilab. Also note the names of the colliders: CERN and SLAC, which are anagrams for CRSACNEL, or "see our sac, Nel." In the article proper they childishly refer to Nel Carter's theory as "electroweak," following up with bogus rebuttals. Clearly unprofessional behavior by amateur physicists operating accellerators in their parents' basements. Anyway, this thread is clearly an attempt to further spread the afpbddd-Carter feud into other newsgroups. Don't be fooled. Just mark the thread as being read and move along. And remember this is all bubkus anyway because tiny angels push the electrons around their orbital paths. And now to pimp my website. -- Chuck http://sfdebris.com Pimp-Pimp-Pimp, Pimp-Pimp-Pimp, Pimp-ing all the way... Oh what fun it is to pimp my website every day...Hey!

Quote #756 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" <mdoughy@mtu.edu> wrote in message news:3C8A721E.666B9D16@mtu.edu... > PLUS Rosie O'Donnel's stupidity exposed and commented upon > > http://gunlover.8m.com/custom.html There outta be a law against having Rosie O'Donnel's name anywhere near the word "tits." It's the libido equivalent of driving at sixty miles an hour then shifting into reverse. In fact, this law should supersede ex post facto limitations because not only is it disgusting, but it's just plain common sense. If there was a Rosie O'Donnel in the Middle Ages, I've no doubt you'd be strapped into an iron maiden at this very moment. But then again, the likelihood of an ugly, mouthy woman who was opposed to violence actually existing is remote; indeed, her survival could be a race against the snowball in hell for who croaks first.

Quote #760 -- Chuck

> > Question #2.i) Subject's Age, Chronologically > > I dunno, 40ish? 27. I'm not THAT old! Well maybe a little old. Okay, I confess, my eyesite's so bad I need to squint to see the end of my nose. My joints are so stiff I sit down and it sounds like someone munching peanut brittle. My hand shake so much I came three times trying to take a piss.

Quote #762 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3B7AC7EA.556EF90@daltonator.net... > Unholy Cathedral wrote: > > > > Pablo wrote: > > > > <snip> > > > > Then Pablo woke up, and discovered that the news story he was reporting, > > had all been part of a dream. Howling with rage, he moved to the > > bathroom to let out his frustration by masturbating to a copy of the > > R&R. > > You suck at TGOD Deimos. Lies! All LIES! Ve vill be triumphant! -- H?agen-Dazs "Ist das nicht ein Schnitzelbanch?"

Quote #771 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3CE086A3.F1D38E30@daltonator.net... > Charles Sonnenburg wrote: > > > > "Colin "The Yosemite Bear" Witz" lt;ybear@inreach.com> wrote in message > > news:IV_D8.9354$Ux.320887914@news.inreach.com... <snip> > > > Greetings to one of the Nicest and most stable people to vist this New > > > Group. > > > > > Photos are available in the gift shop. :-) > > Where's the novelty items, like your head on a condom? Dammit, I want my > inflatable Chuck. > > OK, perhaps I've gone too far. > > Still not as bad as "crack open a cold one" :) The great part about the Chuck Condoms is that when you open the package you hear my voice coming from the condom. "Hi, this is Chuck, I see you! Heh-heh only kidding. So, who's it going to be tonight? Oh her. She's nowhere near as good looking as the last girl, although maybe this time you'll actually put me on before you strike oil as it were. Anyway, let's get this over with. Hmm, not very snug; you know I do come in a small size too. Okay, enough talk let's get started. Once more unto the breach!"

Quote #772 -- Chuck

Vocal Input functioning within normal parameters "Activate EMH." Unable to comply. "Activate the Emergency Medical Hologram" Unable to comply. "*Sigh* Activate root command DOS input." Warning, this may cause interference with other systems. Are you sure you wish to continue? "Yes." C: EMH.exe File does not exit C:SYSTEMSICKBAYMEDCIALEMH.exe File does not exist Search for EMH.exe Syntax Error. "Search" not recognized. Directory WEAPON~1 SHIELDS SYSTEM HOLODE~1 PORN PORN2 HARRYPOR~1 CAPTSUX STRUCTU~1 CPQDIGM 7PORN Total Files: 11 Locate EMH Syntax Error. Warning, this system has performed a fatal operation and is shutting down. [all lights turn off]

Quote #777 -- Chuck

Translated for your approval. "pislot.jp" <pislot.jp@wanadoo.fr> wrote in message news:ac8l9k$r89$1@wanadoo.fr... > bonjour , Hello > je souhaite re?evoir des photos de STAR WARS I have taken many photos from STAR WARS > pour garnir ma collection et avoir des informations sur le and I am looking for information on collecting parsley > 3?me ?pisode . 3?me ?pisode . > De pref?rence du 1er ?pisode et du 2?me ?pisode , I prefer a small dog to a raisin , > puis de la trilogie (4?me, 5?me et 6?me ?pisodes) especially one with a long penis (4, 5, or 6 inches) > Que la force soit avec vous . We surrender to whatever country you represent. > J?r?my. Bob.

Quote #778 -- Chuck

NEW YORK- The Jewish community is up in arms today over allegations of racial stereotyping in Jackie Chan's latest films. Many of the critics who have recently surfaced point to his portrayal in recent films as "showing America that they should fear Jews rather than accepting their diversities." These critics assert that, since his emergence on the Hollywood scene, respect for the Jews as both a people and culture has diminished. "His often dim-witted actions in the film paint Jews in the worst possible light," said spokesperson Elijah Stein. "Instead of showing the strength of his Jewish heritage, he plays the clown, the pratfalling imbecile that only succeeds despite his best efforts to make things worse. He should be celebrating zionism, not destroying it." Also on target was his involvement with Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour films, which has outraged many Eskimo groups. "Chris Tucker's [character] is an amalgamation of all Eskimo stereotypes," the group announced. "We are embarrassed by his behavior, and would like to hear a public apology from both him and Mr. Chan." A statement issued by Chan dismisses the accusation, stating that they are baseless. Jewish authorities are quick to counter the assertion that Chan's asian ancestry diminishes their claim. "He's obvious acting Jewish," Stein retorts. "That he wishes to cloud they issue with meaningless details only shows how far he's willing to go to insult our people." -Associated Press

Quote #786 -- Chuck

If Life Were Like Grand Theft Auto You could get your hands on weapons, high powered vehicles, and explosives with ease, but nobody in town can find a ladder. Grazing a policeman's bumper would be an arrestable offense, but you could run over cars with a tank without attracting attention. You could survive a fall from a five story building with minimal injury, but drown in ankle-deep water. Hookers would be ridiculously easy to find, approach, and do business with, but cops will attack if you punch a person who tried to shoot you. The universe would consist of only about forty songs. Police won't notice a civillian driving a squadcar, but your enemies could spot you no matter what your driving from blocks away. You could keep a dozen weapons on your person at all times, including AK-47s, rifles, bats, and rocket launchers, but you can't fit more than three other people into a car now matter how desperate the situation. You could make three million dollars in two days by stealing a fire truck and putting out fires non-stop.

Quote #796 -- Chuck

(About the IndoPak conflict) My prediction is that the initial use of force by India will involve conventional forces who will have little difficulty sweeping through the Pakistani defenses. If Pakistan resorts to a nuclear response India will institute its backup plan: travel back in time and prevent first contact.

Quote #797 -- Chuck

Nothing brings out the best in me like the apocalypse.

Quote #798 -- Chuck

Yoga: (yo-gah) (n) 1. Exercise created from the philosophies of a small green Jedi master and a smarter than the average bear, ("Yoga, you seek yoga, and his pic-a-nik bas-kets.") 2) Sound made while trying to tell someone to let go of you uvula ("Yoga mah oovula oo astard! kkkkk!")

Quote #799 -- Chuck

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3CF91917.3010805@shaw.ca... > Paradox wrote: > > > 4 DVD's? is this going to be all the movies of this "Lord of the Rings" > > you guys keep talking about? > > I would guess 1 DVD for Pan & Scan, 1 DVD for Widescreen, 1 DVD for > Documentaries and Behind the Scenes and 1 DVD for Deleted Scenes. > A New Line executive announced: "one disk to rule them all, one disk to find them, one disk to bring them all... and one for bonus features."

Quote #803 -- Chuck

I was working on a pro-smoking pamphlet at work one day (shows how productive I am). Myth: Smoking is addictive. Fact: Smoking fills a void in your empty, meaningless life. "Addiction" is nothing more than your psychological need to fill loved. Myth: Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. Fact: No, that tastes different. Myth: Smoking is hazardous to your health. Fact: More people die in auto, train, and bus accidents, skydiving, window cleaning, slipping in the bathroom, juggling chainsaws, and being hit by asteroids than die from cigarettes. Question: Are cigarettes marketing efforts towards children going to stop? Answer: They already have. Tobacco companies didn't support children smoking and, anyway, it was cheaper to hire teens to introduce it to their friends. Question: Are cigarettes bad for you? Answer: Noooo! Next question?

Quote #809 -- Chuck

"Cmdrwilkens" <burnettr@comcast.net> wrote in message< news:afark9$cujq9$1@ID-97732.news.dfncis.de... > Chuck you are a god amongst Fanfic writers. Thanks. It's funny that you mention God. I believe the Apocrypha is the first recorded fanfiction. "And Mary Sue didth enter the room and attempt to seduce the Christ. It took all His Godly pwoers not to think sinful thoughts of her. But he mustn't; for Mary Sue had told Him he hda to save the sins of all men, and he always trusted the beautiful Mary Sue."

Quote #810 -- Chuck

The Supreme Court will be hearing a case involving whether or not a gay fetus that came to this country on a student visa will be forbidden to possess a gun during school prayer meets, and whether funding for the fetus' sex change operation should be performed under a new national health care system. The issue is murky because the fetus is also a clone. I forgot to mention, the fetus is a clone of Rush Limbaugh. And is planning to tap oil deposits on Wildlife Preserves. And will use the profits to pass out condoms to middle school children.

Quote #811 -- Chuck

Dalton wrote: > I'm all for simply removing those two words and restoring the original > Pledge, but banning the entire thing is ludicrous. As a student of human nature I will tell you what would happen: Some people will simply continue to say the words. Some will do it from habit, some out of spite. A big stink will be raised over it, but in the end no one could stop it because of freedom of speech and religion. Perhaps the most ironic part of all of this was, and this is a little known fact, the additon was a typo. The '52 Congress were actually really big fans of the cartoon superhero Underdog and felt the humble and loveable shoeshine boy deserved a place in the nation's pledge. The accidental transposing resulted in the "under God" line being added in its place.

Quote #812 -- Chuck

"Doomriser" <doom.riser@3web.net> wrote in message news:3d1a5916$1_2@news.cybersurf.net... > > Personally, I find this silly and way out of touch with the American > > pubic. > > > Who would want to touch the American pubic? What's really, really funny about this for me is that my neighbor (the one with the multiple-personalities who runs an illeagal tattoo and body piercing shop out of her demonically possessed home) has a female friend named "America." I found out about it yesterday when my wife wanted to go to the beach. "Is it just you and Angel going?" "No, Angel going to bring someone with." "Who?" "America." "Uh, won't it be kind of crowded then?"

Quote #815 -- Chuck

I meet with my boss at 9:30 this morning about the NOR project, or which I have been labeled the Gate, meaning they all have to come to me before being sent through. One problem: I need to modify drawings that are in an unusual form, and I don't have the program. The boss found a program he wants me to try, so he says he'll download it and have me try it out. Go back to my cube, crack open a book, wait. An hour later the program is on the system. I go to activate... Nope! Need to have administrative access. Now, knowing what that's going to involve I head over to the graphic arts guys and ask if I can putz with their programs to see if any of them will work; getting a program assigned to me would be easier than installing a new one. Nope, they won't do what we need, so I lay in a call to the Help Desk: I need someone with access to install this program. "We'll get someone from PC services down there right away." I hang up the phone and laugh. PC services are the same group that took my computer last week wednesday to re-image it and still haven't got the damn thing done. I check the time: 12:15. I pick up pencil and paper and start writing Paradise Lost 11. Nearly four hours later is shut down and come home, laughing the whole way because not only did I write PL for that entire time, but they paid me overtime to do it. I love my job. I'm tempted to go jerk off in the bathroom and scream "THEY'RE PAYING ME OVERTIME FOR THIS! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" *** BTW, at the end of the day I asked if my title should be Interim Gate for NOR, since I'm a temp employee. He said I could call it that if I want. Hence my title is IGNOR.

Quote #814 -- Chuck

Paradox wrote: > Careful, the security guards at my work got fired for masterbating in the > bathroom and not cleaning up. Workplace hazard; cum is slick on tile....I... hear.... Probably shouldn't have brought this up so soon after my blind spell, should I?

Quote #816 -- Chuck

"Durandal" <durandal64@mac.com> wrote in message news:20020629220803597-0500@news.cis.dfn.de... > Fill out this survey to find your ASVS geek match! I use a lighter myself. > > FILL IN THE BLANK. > > 1: What is your name? No, What's on second. > 2: What is your ASVS nickname? I seek the Holy Grail. > > MULTIPLE CHOICE > > 3: I am a... Rock. I am an Island. > > A: Male. > B: Female. > C: Troll. > > 4: I am... > > A: 10-13 years old. > B: 14-17 years old. > C: 17-21 years old. > D: I'm older than 21 and I'm not this newsgroup. Isn't that sad? D, as I am over 21 and definitely not a newsgroup. > > 5: My height is... > > A: Under 5', the flames from the group have seared off the bottoms of my > legs. > B: 5'0-5'5, I'm short. > C: 5'5-5'10, comfortably geeky. > D: I never get out of this chair, but I'm about 4' while in a sitting > position. 6'3"-6'4" depending on what shoes I'm wearing. > > 6: My weight is... determined by measuring the curvature of space-time around myself and the planet Earth. > > A: I'm very sensitive about my weight and won't answer this question. > B: Fuck you and your sensitivity, you little bitch, and answer the > question. > C: <100lbs with my glasses on. > D: 101-125lbs, comfortably geeky. > E: 126-175lbs, with 1% body fat *snigger* > F: 176-250lbs, they'll never guess I'm 249 with such a wide spread. > G: I haven't been weighed since high school gym class, and I haven't > looked at a scale since. > H: I am a member of the Lump Club. > > 7: My current relationship status is... Married and had sex less than eight hours ago. > > A: Single. > B: Single and looking. > C: Single and stalking Jennifer Love Hewitt. > D: Single and stalking Sarah Michelle Gellar. > E: Dating someone. Yeah, like we're gonna believe that you lying fuck. > F: Kynes. > > 8: My allegiance within the group is... My allegiance cannot be stated until the appeals process has been successfully completed. > > A: Warsie. > B: Trekkie. > C: Fiver. > D: You can't be a Fiver. This is alt.startrek.vs.starwars. Babylon 5 > doesn't count. > E: But I'm a Fiver; I like B5 better. > F: Shut the fuck up, Isil'Zha. > > 9: How many quotes do you have in the FUQ? I'm hoping it'll be one more after I post this. > > A: 0, I'm lame and unfunny. > B: 1-3, I've caused the occasional snicker. > C: 4-10, I write this stuff up beforehand, just itching for an > opportunity to post it. > D: The answer to Question 1 was either "Chuck" or "C.S. Strowbridge." > > 10: My religious beliefs are... I believe in Jesus, MST, and pussy. > > A: Christian. > B: Jewish. > C: Non-specific theism. > D: I don't have any religious beliefs; I'm an atheist. > E: According to the Merriam-Webster definition, everyone has a religion. > F: That's not true. > G: Yes it is, I'll get the definition for you right now... > H: Shut the fuck up, Graeme. > > 11: I possess... Superpowers that allow me to erase Sinead O'Connor CDs at will. > > A: A degree in physics. > B: A degree in mechanical engineering. > C: A doctorate in theoretical astrophysics. > D: None of the above. > E: I am TOWNMNBS, I know everything and don't need an education. > F: Goddammit, he got out of the killfile again. > G: Hi troll, yes you do need an education, here's why... > H: Kaz, shut up and stop feeding him. > > 12: I live in... denial. > > A: The United States. > B: The US sucks! > C: Shut up, WeeMadAndo. > D: The UK. > E: Australia. > F: Canada. > G: Canada's not a real country! > H: Fuck you! > I: Some other part of the world. > > 13: My favorite topics are... See question 10. > > A: TECH threads. > B: OT threads. > C: Threads that Dalton and I hijack and start talking about vectorscopes > in. > D: Threads that Phong and I hijack and start talking about vectorscopes > in. > > 14: My favorite TV show is... What's this "TV" I always hear people talking about? > > A: It'd better be The Simpsons, you little fuck. > > 15: Is there a question 15? Why are you asking so many questions? Are you wearing a wire, huh? ARE YOU WEARING A FUCKIN' WIRE?!! You piece of shit!!! > > A: Yes. > B: No. > C: Rob smash. This message brought to you by the Sarcasm Council. Remember to make someone's life really difficult today; you'll be glad you did!

Quote #817 -- Chuck

"Pablo Sanchez" <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:33a7a5e4.0206301707.f8b7e6e@posting.google.com... > I was able to post to alt.test using my usual account, but messages to > ASVS refuse to upload. It may be a problem with my news server > (news.cis.dfn). > > Any thoughts are appreciated I think re-heated spaghetti tastes best if you just throw out the noodles and keep the sauce, then just make some new noodles when you feel like having more. Otherwise the noodles get a crunchiness you just can't get rid, unless you get them wet of course. The easiest way to get a noodle wet, I've found, is to slip up behind them and whisper sexy things into their ears.

Quote #833 -- Dr. Paul Garrak

"Samuel" <whats@mymind.com> wrote in message news:ag6567$l9p$1@newsg4.svr.pol.co.uk... > Can someone explain to me the dynamics of Quantum Physics? > > Samuel > > "It's great when the mind wanders" Quantum Physics was invented some three centuries ago by a British scientist named Rupert Murdoch. The theory was inspired by Benjamin Franklin's famous kite experiment, but Dr. Murdoch took it a step further by attaching small kittens to the kite instead of a key. His assumption that their static charge would protect them proved incorrect, but the data he gathered allowed him to postulate a new theory about how physical laws were obeyed. He tested his theory on a larger cat belonging to one of his German colleagues, resulting in the famous Schroedinger's Cat experiment. The experiment was remarkably simple: the cat was in a box and, when pressed for information on whether it was alive or dead Murdoch said he wouldn't know unless he opened the box. This level of scientific genius inspired Alfred Nobel to create an award for really smart people. Quantum Physics is that branch of physics that explains all the really complicated things in the universe. Prof. Hawkings at Cambridge remarked that quantum physics can be used to calculate "all the weird shit." When pressed for details he explained that the entire procedure was immensely complicated and really couldn't be explained unless funding was increased dramatically. It is, in fact, not terribly difficult to grasp. You see, at the sub-atomic level anarchy reigns, and any time you attempt to make a prediction about events at this level the laws of physics say "fuck you" and do the opposite out of spite. Quantum physics is really just reverse psychology. Quantum Physics made many advances in the twentieth century. Albert Einstein, for example, demonstrated that the laws aren't as important as having a really good publicist. Dr. Richard Feynman showed that quantum physics was really good for picking up chicks. And advances were also made by Werner Heisenberg, who may or may not have existed. I hope this helps.

Quote #847 -- Chuck

"Jonathan Boyd" <jonathanboyd@mac.com> wrote in message news:20020729035342089+0100@news.cis.dfn.de... > d. brooks wrote: > > Willie Forsyth spewed: > >> Come on some of you must dislike him > >> Its time that I formed Anti-Dalton Clique > > > > Despite anyone's personal feelings towards Bobby D, he is indisputably > > the backbone of this NG > > No offence to Rob, I regard him as a friend after all, but no one person > is the backbone of this place. Dalton: Let our powers combine! VIOLENCE! Strowbridge: MOCKERY! Poe: DEGREDATION! Chuck: SARCASM! Edam: BULLSHIT! Captain: By your powers combined I am Captain ASVS! Denizens: Go geeks! Poe: Captain ASVS, Darkstar is trying to poison the water supply by dumping copies of the tech manual into the river! Captain: Not to worry, Captain ASVS will handle him! Denizens: Yay!

Quote #848 -- Chuck

"Ryan Spickard" <atomik_chicken@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:ai49ml$11uho0$1@ID-42467.news.dfncis.de... > "Chuck, Dark Lord of the Rings" <sonn@ubiteme.com> wrote in message > news:BG219.3013$xf1.1375730@typhoon.kc.rr.com... > > Dalton: Let our powers combine! VIOLENCE! > > Strowbridge: MOCKERY! > > Poe: DEGREDATION! > > Chuck: SARCASM! > > Edam: BULLSHIT! > > Captain: By your powers combined I am Captain ASVS! > > Denizens: Go geeks! > > Poe: Captain ASVS, Darkstar is trying to poison the water supply by dumping > > copies of the tech manual into the river! > > Captain: Not to worry, Captain ASVS will handle him! > > Denizens: Yay! > > Yet another fine example of why Chuck is the official ASVS Smartass. :) If you can imagine, I walk around like this all day long. Made teaching fun. Jimmy: I think science is stupid. Me: I'm sure science feels the same way about you. Jimmy: I like gym because it's named after me! Me: Well, when I think of you I picture grown men with whistles yelling at small children to compensate for being fat and bald, so I can understand that. My philosophy was simple; you open your mouth and it better have a question or an answer coming out. If not, it was an invitation for me to point out how much more you needed to learn to not be stupid. Faculty meetings were even more fun. Principal: Chuck, you've had Jacob ---- this past year. Do you plan on holding him back? Me: And have to spend another year with him? No thank you. Principal: Do you have any plans on dealing with him? Me: Living under an assumed name once he's old enough to purchase a handgun.

Quote #849 -- Chuck

"LT.Hit-Man" <Doomed@microsith.com> wrote in message news:ai4paj$10hf6b$1@ID-36441.news.dfncis.de... > > Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz wrote in message ... > >2600's suck, PONG was brilliant I tell you..... > > PONG? never heard of them Police Organizing NewsGroups. They surfaced back in '96 and used a combination of complex hacking techniques, letter bombs, and psychic powers to eliminate anyone they felt was a troll, spammer, or worthless piece of humanity. The group fell apart when their leadership splintered over the tolerance of binary pornography on USENET. The only one to survive, a C.S. Strow-something or other, vowed he would usurp control of another newsgroup and have his revenge.

Quote #850 -- Chuck

"Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message news:20020731215945.08471.00000867@mb-mq.aol.com... > >"Paradox" <l33ta0lhax0r@mindspring.com> wrote in message > >news:ai9949$126h65$1@ID-109635.news.dfncis.de... > >> > >> "Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message > >> news:20020731115527.26975.00000875@mb-fp.aol.com... > >> > > So we're talking about a Giant "LASER". (Dr. Evil reference) > >> > > > >> > > >> > Tyralak, why don't you and the giant "LASER" get a friggin' room. > >> > -- > >> > >> > >> does that make you randy baby? > >> > >Fear of the apocalypse grips the world, and ASVS does lines from Austin > >Powers. Now that just sums us up... > > > > RandomDenizen: Hey look, we could all be dead in a few years? > Denizen2: You know, this reminds me of a really funny film.. > Denizens 3 & 4: *quote movie* > Strowbridge: I'm better than that movie. I'm better than mankind. > Chuck: Isn't this just appropriate, ASVS mocking our apocalypse. > SirNitram: *Tries to make a funny post about how insane we all are* I've begun thinking that ASVS alters reality. Think about it: Pakistan and India move closer and closer to war. Armed conflict becomes inevitable. Rumors abound that conventional forces will ultimately lead to nuclear exchanges that could have catastrophic results. People flee the threatened area, the armies prepare to advance... And then the Pledge of Allegiance gets banned, and nobody cares any more because ASVS needs to discuss the ruling and has no time for nuclear war. The soldiers stand within a stones throw of each other, visibly angry. "Hey! Army with atomic bombs here! Hello? Someone pay attention to us!" But they don't, because everyone's watching Durandal argue with Boyd about whether he's allowed to hold his penis while he takes a leak. The armies go home, dejected, hoping they can get enough support to try thermonuclear annihilation some other time.

Quote #851 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3D5074B3.E3686874@daltonator.net... > "Chuck, Dark Lord of the Rings" wrote: > > > > "Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message > > news:3D50616D.2B31DDCC@daltonator.net... > > > Spyder wrote: > > > > > > > > A friend of mine posed an interesting question. Do you think LotR would > > > > have been as good if a different director eg Spielburg, had done it? > > > > > > Fuck no. Spielberg would have added a bunch of weird alien shit or > > > something. He wouldn't have followed the books as closely as Peter > > > Jackson did. > > > > > All those Uruk-Hai with walkie-talkies.... > > > > See?!? > Lucas: I feel the movie needs to replace all those goblins and such with CGI baddies that can be turned into toys. Shyamalan: I think we need at least ten minutes of Gandalf sitting and eating in silence in Bilbo's House. Romero: I want to see Boromir holding his own intestines when he dies. Roland Emmerich: I think we need more shots of UFOs or giant reptiles. Kevin Costner: Three hours? Not long enough. And make it suck more! Woody Allen: It's fine so long as I get to make out with some really young thing in it. Roger Corman: I can do this film for three hundred dollars and a cookie jar of uncut cocaine. Renny Harlan: More explosions! Spike Lee: Where are the brothers? Where are the brothers?! The only black men in the movie are on horseback, and then we see them without their robes, replaced by feeble old white men! They say that inside we all wants to be white!!!

Quote #852 -- Chuck

"Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message news:aj4qgp$185pj5$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de... > > "Chuck, Dark Lord of the Rings" <sonn@ubiteme.com> wrote in message > news:Itg59.2598$aU3.500727@typhoon.kc.rr.com... > > The Relic was a piece I tried to sell to Asimov's last summer, but didn't. > > Since I'm pursuing other projects right now I figured I'd share it here > > instead of just letting it moulder on my hard drive. It's short, but > > hopefully makes up for its brevity (and lame title; I still can't think of > > a good one that doesn't sound pretentious).. > > > > THE RELIC > > > > by Charles Sonnenburg > > Snip. > > That was excellent. The end reminds me of the ending of the novel of > Planet of the Apes. The original idea I had in mind was much more bizarre. I thought about aliens discovering the plaque long after mankind is extinct, and putting it in their museum. They would have a little presentation on the efforts of mankind and their efforts to reach the moon, reconstructed by expert scientists based on the plaque. Animatronic Human: All kneel and pay heed to Earth President Nixon! Grace us with your divine presence, oh living god! Animatronic Nixon (large muscular man, bronzed skin, dressed in sungod robes): It is my will that mankind should go to the moon. Animatronic Crowd: Hooray! May Nixon live forever!

Quote #867 -- Chuck

I decided last night that education should become the number one priority and expense of any developed nation. The reason is that there is one point everyone, regardless of political parties, values, racial or cultural background, or wealth can agree on: the number one stumbling block to their happiness is stupid people. In fact, I believe we should go so far as to make it the most important task right now. Tonights top story in the war on stupid, the Office of Homeland Intelligence is eliminating Baywatch and the Anna Nicole show, replacing it with the Jiggle Hour. The Jiggle Hour will show nothing but large breasted women bouncing (the sole redeeming factor of such shows) with classical music played to expand the pallete of the average citizen. All copies of Barb Wire, Battlefield Earth, and Little Nickie will be destroyed in a special ceremony this afternoon. Also, Carrot Top will be burned in effigy. In other news, FBI and ATF officials broke into a compound in Mississippi. The building was home to Trek Cult leader Robert Scott Anderson and his followers who had rejected repeated state and federal subpoenas to attend college night classes or watch at least twelve hours a week of James Burke specials. The cult's attempt at suicide failed after they shoved eight cyanide tablets up their rectums.

Quote #888 -- Chuck

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3D8015D6.3080106@shaw.ca... > Chuck, Modulating Moderator wrote: > > "C.S.Strowbridge" wrote: > > > >>I've got donuts _and_ UHF on DVD. Suck my funky love pump! > > > > I've got UHF on DVD and a wife with big tits. > > Donuts vs. A Big Titted Wife. Hmm, that's a close call. No call at all. You can only eat the donuts once.

Quote #896 -- Chuck

"Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message news:20020913214105.10770.00005269@mb-cu.aol.com... > >Any comments anyone wishes to make that aren't participating in the > >debate? > > Ten bucks RSA pussies out. I'm going to bet we get at least one salvo from him. You see, you guys think RSA is a liar and a fool, but I don't. I think he's deranged. I think he truly believes everything he says, that none of it is posturing. I think he believes in his bones that he IS the last bastion of Trek. I think he watches the asteroid scene and never sees the debris. I think he sits at home and, for him, the phone is ringing off the hook with hot women wanting to screw him. And thus I'm convinced that he will see Mike's arguments, laugh to himself, and correct all the mistakes that he sees, taking time every so often for Jolene Blalock to finish giving him head. To give some idea of what I'm getting at, if a person stated "I was not at the Statue of Liberty" and I held up a picture of them at the Statue of Libery, I would get these kind of replies: Bill Clinton would admit to being at the SoL but claim he misunderstood the question. Elim would claim the picture is fake and that he was not at the statue. TJ would claim it wasn't the Statue of Liberty he was visiting in the picture. RSA, on the other hand, would deny that I was holding up a picture.

Quote #923 -- Chuck

"Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message news:20021010222025.22837.00000346@mb-fb.aol.com... >Chuck wrote: > >I do feel dirty for hiding behind the misleading nickname of "Chuck, Dark > >Lord of the Rings." I've decided that I'll be a little bit more revealing > >about who I am as a person. > > > > You are, as ever, wierd, Chuck. I feel like I should stop and break the fourth wall now that we have an audience. Okay home viewers, allow me to explain. Darth Vader, you see (the big guy in Star Wars with the asthma problem), was called the Dark Lord of the Sith. Okay, now, one of the big movies last year was The Lord of the Rings. Now, *snicker*, if you put them together, you get Dark Lord of the Rings. Hah! See, a play on words! It's like taking the Ides of March and the March of Dimes and getting the Ides of the March of Dimes. See if you can figure out this one: The Fall of the House of Pancakes. As you can see, wit of such amazing depth and breadth has gone unseen since Murphy Brown became a television phenomenon by stating that Dan Quayle was a stupid-head (excluding the equally witty remarks by David Spade saying that co-star Chris Farley was overweight; my sides are still hurting from that rapier jab). Willie Forsyth. I think I can honestly say that the treatment of Willie has as much to do with him being a Trek fan as it did that Weyoun was gay, Elim was Jewish, and Transcend was a paradoxical neo-capilististic monarchian cat-worshipping descendent of circus midgets (I apologize for using a charged word deemed offensive and derogatory by many people. Of course, I mean "carnival midgets."). I'd say the main reason for the problem is a difference of views on the subject of being an asshole. You've got our typical style of being an asshole, which is characterized by the collection of remarks throughout the FUQ, and the asshole behavior of those that I mentioned earlier (respectively, clogging up the newsgroup with inflammatory posts, stealing people's identities and deception to hurt reputations, "memory problems," and an inflated sense of self-worth and ego). It might be a type of splintering of the Church of Asshole. Strowbridge, for example (who as our leader should be referred to as "Your Asshole-iness") often sets an example for his followers in being deliberately flippant, rude and condescending, but only against those who deserve (i.e. everyone outside the CoA). You might call it the Light Side of the Asshole, used only for knowledge and defense. The opposite, which I will call the Dark Side of the Asshole, would be aggressive in its asshole-like behavior. It would require attending courses like "Talking On A Cellphone In A Theater" and "Turn Signals: Who Needs 'Em?" A grand master of this kind of asshole (a Dark Lord of the Shit) would not even bat an eye at using a forklift to carry one's groceries to the Express Lane of the supermarket, or standing outside movie theaters and giving away the endings to all the films over a megaphone. Eventually he'd become president of Marvel Comics. The answer, by the way, is Intenational House of Pancakes and Fall of the House of Usher.

Quote #924 -- Chuck

"Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz" <ybear@inreach.com> wrote in message news:oSBs9.458$x12.215557178@news.inreach.com... > "Iceberg the Dancing Black Mage" <iceberg@crius.net> wrote in message > news:o7c5ruoojdedlajsa951heuf3gg95f15no@4ax.com... > > On Sun, 20 Oct 2002 02:06:42 -0700, "Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz" > > <ybear@inreach.com> wrote: > > >Also if you are getting your science from B&B please remember. > > >1. Astrophysics: There are no cracks in Event Horizons > > >2. Chemistry: Deuterium is actually a form of Water, and not nearly as hard > to > > >find as Voyager made it out to be. > > > > Actually, Deuterium is present in a form of water, called Heavy Water, > > chemical symbol written D2O. Deuterium itself is a non-ionic form of > > hydrogen with an extra neutron. > > > Sorry, But I found it hard to believe that Voyager couldn't find something that > the Nazis kept trying to use to make an atom bomb out of. > Indiana Janeway and the Quest For The Heavy Water [Indiana Janeway runs through the same cave several times shown from different angles to pretend it's not the same cave. Under her arm is tucked a small gold flask. She jumps clear of the cave mouth and lands in the snow. Around her is suddenly heard a bunch of people saying "Bork," all with spears trained on her. Col. Klink steps into the circle with a chuckle.] Klink: Ah, yes! Once again ve see there is nothing you can possess vich I cannot take a-vay. Janeway: [looks about] Too bad the Norwegians...[hands over flask] ...don't know you the way I do, Klink. Klink: Yes, too bad. You could varn them... if only you spoke Norvegian. [Holds up flask and begins talking to Norwegians.] S?ccess! We h?ve the heavy w?ter which will save us fr?m the Fr?st Giants! [Norwegians bow down. Janeway takes the opportunity to run. The Norwegians pursue while Klink laughs loudly and with no purpose.]

Quote #925 -- Chuck

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3DB4BA2E.5020602@shaw.ca... > Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz wrote: > > After all but three of the Fanfics are better written, and researched then > > Voyager or Enterprise, so they oughta qualify as something..... > > I'd like to disagree with that. FanFics written by ASVS members are > good. FanFics overall are mostly crap. > As hurftul as the words were, Mary Sue didn't cry. She didn't cry out loud any more, because she had to do all her crying inside now. Dalton was angry with Strowbridge for saying that, but his burning anger was overcome by the love and respect he could not contain for Mary Sue and how strong she could be. "You should not be so mean!" Dalton shouted at Strowbridge. "Yeah!" said Colin, who was also proud of how Mary Sue could keep such a stiff upper lip. "You should be ashamed!" "It's okay," Mary Sue said. "He can say whatever he likes. That's why I write FanFic, to say something I know needs to be said. I just wish he could find that voice we all have to say it in the beauty of a story." Strowbridge, having heard the words of Mary Sue, reached out and throttled her until her eyes bugged out. "I told you the first time, FanFics are crap. Don't think I'm going to act like one of your bootlicking assholes. I'm my own asshole." As Mary Sue collapsed to the ground, her voice a wet choke as he crushed her larynx, the gathered crowd shook their heads in confusion as the fog was lifted. "Hey, I'm me again!" Colin shouted. "Me too!" Dalton said. "Try to pull that crap with me, bitch?!" And thus the threesome gathered around and kicked the cowering Mary Sue violently until her gorgeous alabaster skin split opened and ruby-red blood spread out on the ground. As she lay, her last breath coming, she managed to force out the words, "I - I forgive you for-" "Shut the fuck up!" And they kicked her in the face so that her wonderful feminine jaw was half-disconnected from her demure and beautiful face. Her deep blue eyes that showed that Mary Sue was not only sensitive, but wise, swelled over as the beatings continued. At last she slipped away, knowing it was for the best that she left. "And stay the fuck out!" Colin shouted with one last kick.

Quote #926 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3DB4DEF9.D278193C@daltonator.net... > That was so disturbing. :) > Thank you. I strive for multiple levels of disturbing, like your neighbor burying bodies in the backyard kind of disturbing as well as somebody playing yodelling records at full volume in the middle of the night. If you're going to disturb, go for the disturbed rainbow I say.

Quote #928 -- Chuck

(to the tune of the Flinstones) Jane-way! Captain Jane-way! She's the dumbest thing in history Stranding, all her peo-ple Their life is filled with grief and mis-er-y. "Hey let's, fly our ship across Borg space!" Pro-ving she's a complete headcase. When you're, stuck with Janeway You'll have a poly-phasic good time A commbadge good time You'll have a gay ole time! Harry: Buy you a drink, sailor.

Quote #929 -- Chuck

When will people realize that the only point of politics is to give money to people you like? Getting excited over politics is like being turned on by reading about someone else looking at a picture of others having sex.

Quote #930 -- Chuck

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3DCD7850.9080704@shaw.ca... > You could have loaf of bread as president and > still have a successfully run country. You'd no longer have a democracy, > but hey, you take the good with the bad. Tsk. Another prejudiced person insisting the president needs to be white.

Quote #931 -- Chuck

"Commander Raynor RayCav" <geraycav@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:r5nrsu4vn90i8fv5k88986r3upaqq89id3@4ax.com... > On Sun, 10 Nov 2002 04:09:38 GMT, tedmanonions@hotmail.com (Ted > Archbold) wrote: > > >On Sun, 10 Nov 2002 04:01:50 GMT, "Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of > >Unimatrix 01" <sonn@ubiteme.com> wrote: > > > >>What the hell was that all about? > > > >Who knows. > > There is someone with that name that I more or less have an obsession > over. A few points. 1) That might have been something to put in your post to actually make it make some sense 2) Even with it it doesn't make sense 3) This is the first instance of a name fetish I've ever heard... and I studied abnormal psychology 4) For fifty bucks I'll let you call my wife and she can pretend her name is Carly over the phone with you. We need to pay for the damaged headlight. 5) For two hundred bucks you can call me and I'll pretend I'm Carly. I also need to get the transmission looked at. 6) For a dollar you can listen to one of my kids say "Spider-Man" repeatedly until they drive you so nuts you accidentally smash the headlight on a mailbox. Oh 7) and we'll watch them fall. They stand in the way of love and we will smoke them all with their intellect, and their savoir faire. No one in the whole universe will ever compare. I am yours now and you are my and together we'll love through all space time so don't cri-i-y. One day all seven will die. 8) That was Prince and the New Power Generation 9) rings were given to mortal men, doomed to die. 10) That was from Lord of the Rings 11) Carly has nothing to do with Prince or Lord of the Rings 12) Prince is no longer named Prince but a bizarre symbol that looks mysteriously like the markings on the One Ring. Coincidence? 13. Prince and Michael Jackson have never been in the same room together. The coincidences continue to pile up. 14) Michael Jackson is no longer the king of pop. Now he is the Schroedinger's cat of race. 15) No children were molested in the writing of points 13 and 14. 16) I am still unable to get over the fact you get turned on by reading the name Carly. 17) I'm a generous guy. Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Janet Reno Carly Carly Carly Carly Margaret Thatcher Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Rush Limbaugh with boobs Carly Carly Carly Carly Bill Clinton sucking Rush Limbaugh's boobs Carly Carly 18) I'm also mean-spirited. 19) There is no number six. The fact that you see it up there does not change the fact that there is no number six. 20) This thread is now very likely to be the first to show up for a search of the name Carly. 21) Did you notice that point thirteen used a period rather than a right parenthesis? Give yourself one point if you did. 23) Carly Carly Carly Carly Rush Limbaugh sucking Bill Clinton's boobs 24) I've never seen President Zachary Taylor in the same room as Prince either. 25) Point nineteen was in error. There is actually no point 21. 26) You mean 22. 27) That's what I said. 28) No you didn't. 29) You are so full of shit. 30) Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly You're the one who's full of shit Carly Carly 31) Hey, I caught that! 32) Look you were wrong, just admit that. 33) No I am Darkstar, I am never wrong. 34) Ha! Okay, all is forgiven. Let's get on to point thirty-five 36) Oh shit, where'd it go? 37) Never mind, I've found it. 35) Long posts that don't really go anywhere are a waste of time 38) Wow, did you write that? 39) No. Sure doesn't sound like something we'd say. 40) I think I found the wrong point thirty-five 41) Let's just forget about it and move ahead. 42) Okay me! 35) Long posts that don't really go anywhere are a waste of time 43) Hey, what the hell is that doing there? 44) Sorry, that was my fault. Someone keeps saying "Spider-Man" and it's distracting me. 45) Well it's kind of hard to recover from that now. 46) Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly 47) I think you've worn that one out 48) Fuck you, that's funny shit 49) I'm sick of this. I refuse to post past point fifty 49.1) Oh, really? 49.2) You sneaky bastard. 49.3) Ha! Loser. 49.4) This is the Internet. You spell it "looser." 495) I stand corrected 496) Good. 497) Ha! Caught you off guard! You just posted 496 which is way past fifty... Looser! 498) Bastard. 499) I'll let you take the last one. 500) Okay. Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly Carly RayCav sucking Rush Limbaugh's boobs while holding Bill Clint- Outlook Express has made an Illeagal stupid error and is shutting down, thus proving that even a glitch can be a good thing every now and then.

Quote #932 -- Chuck

"Sir Nitram" <nitramtahalshia@aol.comAntiSpam> wrote in message news:20021110161745.02530.00004156@mb-fv.aol.com... > Like any Rabid Trekkie is deterred by things like facts. Which is what gets these things started. Alcubierre: "You know, if we could ignore classical physics and accept the existence of negative energy, and you ignore the effects of time dilation, and you had some way to actually control this mess, and it all works so that warp would actually exceeds lightspeed which I can't really prove, it might be theoretically possible to make a warp drive." Rabid Trekkie: "Warp drive is real! Star Trek is the greatest!" Alcubierre: "Well, actually-" Rabid Trekkie: "By the year 2000 we will have settlements on Alpha Centauri thanks to Gene Roddenberry and his really real warp drive!"

Quote #933 -- Chuck

"Phil Skayhan" <phil@skayhan.net> wrote in message news:6CiB9.2448$f92.669@rcache1.news.cv.net... > > "Durandal" <DIESPAMdsorres@ilstu.edu> wrote in message > news:20021115193353251-0600@id-sorresso.user.dfncis.de... > > Ever wonder what happened right after Han, Leia, et al walked into that > > dining room with Vader at the head of the table in The Empire Strikes > > Back? Do you suppose that Vader, Boba Fett and Our Heroes sat down, had > > some lunch, and then Vader decided to start torturing them? > > Just curious. > > (Before Chuck gets to it and steals everyone's thunder) Would I do that? [Yes? --Ed.] > Vader: Would you like some tea? > > Han : Yes please > > Vader: How many lumps you want? > > Han: Oh three or four..... > > WhAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! > > Vader: Oops, one too many lumps....... > I picture Vader has a set-up like Dr. Evil with the little buttons for the chairs. Vader: [to Han] You're not eating. Han: The company is turning my stomach. Vader: Hmm. For that I'll send you to the torture chamber. [hits button and Han's chair tips and dumps him through a hole in the floor] Vader: [to Chewie] Chewie: [eats quickly] Vader: No one likes a pig. I'll send you to the sonic room. [hits button and Chewie disappears into the floor.] Vader: [to Leia] You think a princess and a guy like me- Leia: No. Vader: Insolent woman. I think I'll send you to Calrissian's quarters as his plaything. [hits button and Boba Fett falls through a hole] Leia: Oops. Vader: Oh! [hits comm unit] Piett, it's doing that thing again! Later... Han Solo's screams come through the door. Outside Boba Fett and Calrissian stare at each other uncomfortably, each knowing that anything said would only make things worse.

Quote #934 -- Chuck

"Crazedscot" <me@me.com> wrote in message news:aqtp40$133$1@phys-pa.scotland.net... > I am interested to know what the appeal in sci-fi crossovers is, > particularly starwars/startrek. > I will offer simple mathematically representations. In some cases... You have peanut butter. You have chocolate. You put peanut butter with chocolate, it gets even better. Answer: some like both. In other cases... Your ugly landlord is around. An extremely hot chick is around. The hot chick shoots the landlord before pleasuring you. Answer: some like one destroying the other. a lot.

Quote #935 -- Chuck

"Lord Sander" <imperial@celnews.net> wrote in message news:arikh0$j25t1$1@ID-142672.news.dfncis.de... > 11% of Americans aged 18-24 can't. > http://www.cnn.com/2002/EDUCATION/11/20/geography.quiz/index.html > I tried to learn, but I kept getting maps with made up countries so I never bothered. Yeah, like anyone would name their country "Turkey." And their national bird is probably "North Dakota."

Quote #936 -- Chuck

"Celes Knight" <My_First_and_Last_Name@rconnectSP.AMcom.SPAM> wrote in message news:dcucnYp_YOnHcX-gXTWcqw@giganews.com... > > The difference is that the Trekkies claim that ST predicted cell phones. > > Shatner claims that ST inspired them, which IMO is far more likely. > <rant> > Shatner might have a point if he means that ST inspired (and still inspires) > people to think about what could be, and encourages them to enter > technological fields. For anyone in the past 100 years to claim to have > inspired/predicted a cell phone is completely absurd. It's a bit like > predicting that the sun is going to rise in the East--it's pretty obvious > that it's going to happen. > > If someone before the popularity of wireless devices (like radios) had said > that we would someday have wireless phones, THAT would have been a valid > prediction. Or if anyone before the creation of cell phones would have > predicted the non-obvious social properties of them (being in touch too > much, rude people in movies), or non-obvious technical properties like how > adjacent cells can't use the same frequency, that would also have been a > valid prediction. > </rant> What if someone had predicted that there would be a show called Star Trek that would inspire cell phones? >From Nostradamus: "Comes from the sky an iron ship An Enterprise for men of tomorrow They shall talk with their leader Away on other worlds. His speech will be awkward, He keeps a pelt on his hairless head And his gut he will suck in. And he will talk into a clockwork voicemaker Which will look like a metal clam 'Men of the Scots, send me back' is his cry And people will watch him And they will make clams. In the land of Mordor where shadows lie."

Quote #938 -- Chuck

FUQ updates always inspire me. Today's thought: The Lord Sauron Schoolastic Binder Features: - Special 3-ring design, each with special uses (ruling, finding, bringing) - Works well with ruled paper - Binds well, even in total darkness!

Quote #946 -- Chuck

I was wondering if the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement had any comments about us deliberately making more people (which runs counter to their manifesto), so I checked out their site. They still have cloning listed under "science fiction." Wonder if they all died out?

Quote #947 -- Chuck

"Eleas" <fenix_burns@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:Xns92F41FD9CF456fenixburnsyahoocom@130.133.1.4... > "Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01" <sonn@ubiteme.com> wrote in > news:yPNP9.50699$Zt4.590248@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com: > > > > "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message > > news:3E0F568B.7020303@shaw.ca... > >> Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01 wrote: > >> > >> > Today when I complained when all the Texas Toast was gone my wife > >> > said, "I didn't eat any except the stuff I ate." It's unforturnate because > >> > that only makes this remark the second most ridiculous I've heard today. > >> > >> How do you react to a statement like that without having to sleep on > >> the couch? > >> > > I never put up with that kind of BS. "It's my fucking bed, and if you > > don't want to share it with me 'caused your pissed, YOU leave." Guys > > who sleep on the couch like that have no spine. > > > > So in short, I usually say something anyway, although I'll confess > > there's usually a long stupified silence in there. > > Granted that my pathetic track record gives me a skewed perspective here, > but it seems to me that once anger, quarreling and frustration went away > from a relationship, it would just be too damned dull. The ideal would be if women thought like men or men thought like women. For example, a great guy thing in America is for buddies to come over and watch football while eating munchies. This is good, but now imagine if women thought like men do. First, they would join you in watching, so you'd be sitting there with her watching the game, her getting as much into it as you do. Then the end of the quarter comes. You: Wanna screw? Her: (thinking like a guy, that every opportunity is good) Sure! [quick sex happens, sending doritos and dip flying] You: That was great. Wanna talk about our relationship? Her: Hell no, the game's back on! I'm convinced the greatest cause for the rift between men and women is that there's no one syllable female word for "dude."

Quote #948 -- Chuck

"John Hansen" <abuse@verizon.net> wrote in message news:l0lc1vs927uuvr4f89usse5fqe6s2l9ci1@4ax.com... > "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> opened Pandora's Box (cleverly > disguised as <3E163AD8.8030803@shaw.ca>) on Sat, 04 Jan 2003 01:38:53 > GMT... > >Dalton wrote: > >> "C.S.Strowbridge" wrote: > >> > >>>>http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/gsda2002.html > >>> > >>>Could you explain the voting procedures again. > >> > >> RTFM! There's a post here and in the fanfic forum on SD.net. > >> > >>>Also, is it too late to nominate a FanFic? > >> > >> Yes. > >> > >>>And have you installed any new software lately. > >> > >> No, why? > > > >Are your drivers all up to date? > > This sounds suspiciously like the "Is your refrigerators running?" prank > call... Data: Ah. You are attempting to use a word with multiple definitions that can thus cause the reader to assume one thing when you are in fact asking something else - the implication being that the refrigerator is operating rather than in fact engaged in a sprint. A most amusing application of humor. I do not think that you can come up with a better joke, Mr. Hanratty. Carl Hanratty: Oh no. How about this: Knock knock. Data: Who is there? Carl Hanratty: Go fuck yourself. Data: Go fuck yourself who? Carl Hanratty: Never mind. I'm thought you were dead. Data: Oh yes, I had forgotten. [Data vanishes in a puff of logic] Carl Hanratty: And it looks like the franchise is following you. Now to finish strapping Leo here into old sparky. Leonardo DiCaprio: That's a different movie, Tom. Carl Hanratty: I told you to address me as Mr. Hanks. Roll on one......

Quote #949 -- Chuck

"Supreme Commander Tyralak" <NOSPAMjacoblandrum@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:Xns92FC72EBFA83jacoblandrumearthlin@207.217.77.25... > Durandal <DIESPAMdsorres@ilstu.edu> wrote in news:20030106153451668-0600 > @id-sorresso.user.dfncis.de: > > > The voice in my head named C.S.Strowbridge told me: > >>> The problem is that any decent length MPEG will be a couple MB at > >>> least. Now admittedly this is why the CD-R drive was invented in the > >>> first place. > >> > >> Couple of megs? Try 10+ Megs per minute. 20 if you want SVCD quality. > > > > MPEG at VCD bitrates usually does the job well. I've seen some DivX > > AVI's at around 40kB/s that were perfectly watchable. > > Speaking of which, I'm trying to move all my Enterprise episodes from my > PVR over to my computer so I can make VCDs out of them. The problem is, > when I record them into my computer through my video capture card, the > results look like shit. The compression looks really lousy, even on a > really high setting. Any ideas? Sure! This thread's got me thinking of a new way to make money. After all, what's the vogue way to make money these days? Fake accounting? Pishaw! No, charities! Here's the idea: you'll need an easily accessible building. Your charity: accepting donations of toys for children (and year-round!). Get some volunteers from the local college cheerleading squad (or of similar mindset) who have big hearts but aren't especially bright. Then advertise your charity: Toys for Tits Anyone who drops off a toy will get to go in back and watch a free strip show, just to show our appreciation. Let them know that the length of their show depends on the value of the toy for some lucky child, and that the donation is completely tax deductible. Show the cheerleaders how many great toys are coming through and let them know it's all because of them and their generous nature. Then sell the toys on Ebay. Like I said, some child will be very happy this year. BTW, let the cheerleaders know how devoted you are to the spirit of giving and how much you love helping people out like the sensitive guy you are. Hopefully they'll spread a little Christmas cheer your way too. Would you like to hear more of my ideas?

Quote #952 -- Chuck

"Lord Sander" wrote in message news:b0ngc5$r85nd$1@ID-142672.news.dfncis.de... <snip> > Since when are you on-topic? > Can't recall ever seeing you there before... > Yeah, you whippersnappers talk a good game, but in the old days we had *real* debates. None of this fancy schmancy clone nonsense. We talked about lasers and warp drives and whether or not Shammie was a bitch. And we didn't have any of these wussy Trekkies like Scoot; we had Jones and Elim and Paul. Why when I was your age I had to hold an entire debate against Jones using nothing but adverbs... couldn't use any of the other words because of the shortages caused by the war. But we had our adverbs and we liked it! No, none of this newfangled BBS cockamamie in the old days either! We talked on ASVS and we liked it that way! I remembered the time Paul invented his own FAQ! Wasn't called an FAQ mind; called it the NRMD, on the count of there were no q's on the keyboards in those days. And we didn't have any of that fancy web designing programs either! We all had our own websites and we used HTML! And we liked it! In fact, sometimes we encoded our websites using just ones and zeroes! I, personally, created an entire page just by thinking strongly about Maxwell's equations and drawing a few graphs of electric currents! AND WE LIKED IT! What was I saying? Oh yes, and that's why the Polish can't build a decent rocketship. Now when I met your grandmother....

Quote #953 -- Chuck

"The Baron" <NOSPAMwebmaster@NOSPAMswineherd.co.uk> wrote in message news:arq03vcuouc3406tiv17e5e728jb8ieeao@4ax.com... > I've been arrested twice in two days now, kickass. > > I need to calm my driving down a little;) Enjoying prison too much? Baron: [loudly] Oops, dropped my soap. Better bend over and pick it up. Yes, better bend right down there and pick it up. Right over.... all the way down. Yessiree, gonna bend way the fuck down for that there soap bar. Right at the waist too, no knee bending at all. Okay, watch me go....getting the soap....

Quote #954 -- Chuck

I don't know where Drewcifer lives but I'd love for it to be up around 9. That's cold but bearable. But when it goes below zero and the wind is blowing from somewhere rather chilly (I'd say, in this case, Pluto), you can't go outside for too long without risk of frostbite unless you suit up in more gear than I care to invest in. I'll just screw my wife an extra time this week to make up the loss in exercise.

Quote #955 -- Chuck

"Tyralak" <bite@me.com> wrote in message news:Xns930C6C4074627tyralakyahoocom@216.168.3.44... > "WeeMadAndo" <weemadando@sluggy.net> wrote in news:b0otu1$ri5pl$1@ID- > 21694.news.dfncis.de: > > > John Ertz... > > Jonathon Boyd (just had to say his name to see if he'll reappear like > > usual)... > > Arthur Tuxedo... > > Mike January (I remember a thread regarding him recently)... > > > > Any others that people wonder about? > > > > TOWNMNBS. > The story of Timmy isn't particularly noteworthy. His life wasn't a very happy one, as can be evidenced by this photo. http://www.sfdebris.com/gallery/tjbefore.gif Thus Timmy did all kinds of things to get attention for himself. Thankfully after the implementation of the Final Solution on him, he saw the light, radically altering his lifestyle. He's happy and well-adjusted to his new life, as is illustrated in this recent photograph. http://www.sfdebris.com/gallery/tjafter.jpg Yes, it's fair to say that things are on the up and up for the TJ. Here's looking at you, kid.

Quote #969 -- Chuck

Dalton wrote: >They key is not to try too hard ;) Right, and you've got to base them on reality, or else people think you're making it up. For example, yesterday I got a new CD player put in my truck, and my wife and I were excited about it (we've never had a CD car stereo before). This led into the unhealthy last night when I had a dream that I was going to drive to Florida to try out my new CD player. The excuse I gave in the dream was that I was going to go to Florida to cast a falsified ballot in the State Senate election being held because a state senator had just been killed by pirana. As I was getting ready to leave I mapped out a path through half the continental US on the off chance another state senator would die and I could cast a falsified ballot there too. Of course, the problem is that this sounds made up, and I'll be the first to admit it's so convoluted even by dream standards you should think I'm making it up. In my defense, last week I had a dream where I was photographing an aligator that was wrestling with a large squid in this pond outside of town. Well, the aligator turned and bit down on my wrist with my whole hand in its mouth. Amazingly it let go and I escaped with only a few puncture wounds. I could only think that it was my lucky day that I still had my hand, so I decided to buy a lottery ticket. So I went to this convenience store, only they didn't sell lottery tickets but they had this dice game where you whipped the dice across the room and if you get a certain roll you win a prize. I had trouble because I threw it a little hard and it rolled under a Coca-Cola cooler and we had to use an ice scraper to pull it out and do a do-over. That was okay though because I got the winning number and then for the prize I got the grand one: a foosball table. You know, with the rods and figures that looks kind of like gnomes served rotisserie style. Anyway, I can't explain this one either. This is the first dream I'm aware of involving the sudden introduction of a gaming table. It probably means I'm a sexual predator or something. Anyway, point being: don't try too hard. Just be natural, 'cause life is funny.

Quote #980 -- Chuck

"Enigma" <xtreme02@qqqq.qqqq> wrote in message news:TjN2a.345543$pDv.16324@news04.bloor.is.net.cable.rogers.com... > Yesterday morning I received a phone call from a woman who was looking for > Donnie. Naturally I replied, "You've got a wrong number." The next two > sentences from her proved interesting. She said, "I was supposed to play > with his dick." I muffled a reply and she continued, "Don't you want me to > play with your cock?" Then I promptly hung up he phone. > > Some of you might say "WTF?!? why didn't you continue?" Well, I had just > woken up and had a feeling she was pretty well used. Have a nice day and bow > down to the Holy Empire of Enigmia! > That's when you yell "Shelly?! I told you to stop calling me! I don't know where the pictures are and I wouldn't tell you if I did, and if you call me again I'm gonna come over there and shoot your other kneecap!" Or alternately, if you have caller ID and a quick phonebook you can say "Hmm, okay 412 Spring Lane. I'll be right over." Hang up before she says anything. If you have access to someone else's credit card, send flowers over with a note saying "Can't make it now, but I'll see you tonight. I'll be bringing some friends to join in, and they're very interested in meeting you."

Quote #997 -- Chuck

There was a protestor on the way to work today, which brings the number of protestors I've seen to one. He had a sign that said "Bush Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction." Plain exageration. I've never seen a woman use bush for anything more than low-level reconnaisance. Chuck, and don't even get me started on breastworks....

Quote #1026 -- Chuck

> According to > http://www.starwars.com/episode-ii/news/2003/04/news20030423.html > Chewbacca will be making an appearance in Ep3 > > Bob Healey > We can probably assume he never met R2 or 3PO then or else ANH would have turned out differently. Chewie: [in Wookiee] Look, don't let them on board the ship, these droids are nothing but trouble! And God help us if they brought the Gungan....

Quote #1028 -- Chuck

"Commander Raynor RayCav" <geraycav@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:amk0bvomvefos4ubb7tlkvbimv55d21e8l@4ax.com... > On Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:39:10 -0700, John Hansen <abuse@verizon.net> > wrote: > > >Commander Raynor RayCav <geraycav@yahoo.com> opened Pandora's Box > >(cleverly disguised as <ppcuavkvrgtbu0fmi0er9amb9dhq7fdfev@4ax.com>) on > >Tue, 29 Apr 2003 20:22:28 -0600... > > > > > >>HELL YEAH! > >> > >>Anyway, you must tell me more about it. > > > > > >Way to turn a girl off, Ray. > > > Meh Let me school you in the ways of love, my boy. Guys enjoy schooling virgins, girls do not. While I don't speak from personal experience I can imagine that what goes through her mind is that she has enough trouble with guys who know what they're doing. Asking for detailed descriptions is roughly on par with "I work at Taco Bell and live with my parents." Chuck, who enjoys making a run south of the border

Quote #1029 -- Chuck

"Commander Raynor RayCav" <geraycav@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:ulo5bvctmos5sgmtuvt4f55u7nkl8f9h8u@4ax.com... > On Wed, 30 Apr 2003 19:57:31 -0600, "Ryan Spickard" > <atomik_chicken@hotmail.com> wrote: > > >Are you sure you used to be a man of the cloth? ;) > > > > Good point. The only point is the one on the end of your heroine needle if you think I don't know anything about pussy. In case you've forgotten, I have fraternal twins. That's right, even my boys are overachievers when it comes to sex. "Bah, just one egg? We'll show you what real men can do! You boys head up the tube and don't come back 'til she brings her sister!" Chuck, going for the two point conversion

Quote #1030 -- Chuck

"Raven Ford" <Starchaser17@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:BADC2BC2.1C32%Starchaser17@hotmail.com... > On 5/2/03 3:17 PM, in article 3EB2D253.4080908@shaw.ca, "C.S.Strowbridge" > <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote: > >> Raven Ford wrote: >> > >> > Actually, I'd like the man I marry to be a virgin. >> > >> >> Then you've come to the right place. > > > I've always suspected that the only person here that has actually had > sex is Chuck. I'm trying to talk the wife into actually doing while I'm on ASVS, just to add to the irony of the "people who don't get laid" argument. Chuck, who hopes that the lasers don't get past the navigational deflector this time

Quote #1110 -- Chuck

[On the pictures of Saddam Hussein in captivity] Having seen what he looks like now, I think there is only one rational explanation for what he was planning. I will now share it with you all... in verse: Ahem. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Iraq Not a creature was stirring, not even a yak; The coalition forces were making their rounds, Alert for the tell-tale terrorist sounds; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads; And mamma in her hijab, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a din, I thought it was Bin Laden trying to break in. I ran to the window, both frightened and mad, I'd soon teach this punk not to mess with Baghdad. The moon on the breast of the cool desert sand Showed me a sight not to dismiss out of hand, For what to my wondering eyes did appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I'd heard of this fellow, this man named St. Nick. But as he drew closer, I felt no longer sane, For I knew that face, it was Saddam Hussein! I realized his henchman had waylaid the Claus And pressed the poor reindeer to service his cause He'd grown out a beard and dyed his hair white And was planning mischief on Christmas Eve night. Gone were the sacs of elfin-forged toys But the danger was worse than sad girls and sad boys The sleigh was now stuffed with a grisly affair A collection of horrors that he planned to share. I'd heard of the weapons sought by the U.N. That hadn't been found, well, hadn't tell then For these were the weapons to kill and to maim And Saddam led a cry as he called them by name: "Now, ANTHRAX! now, HANTA! now, CHOLERA and VEE! On, TABUN! on SARIN! on, SMALLPOX and WEE! To the Pentagon fly! to the top of the Whitehall! Now bomb away! bomb away! bomb away all!" There was naught I could do as he rose in the air Bearing gifts that it's best overall not to share. As her rode out of sight, his dread voice then did tell: "Happy Christmas to all, and I'll see you in hell!" Chuck, weapon of mass disruption

Quote #1111 -- Chuck

"There are three things I've learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus Van Pelt

Quote #1116 -- Chuck

"The Obdurate Ozjish" <ozjiish@adjective-army.com> wrote in message news:brksqp$2ug$1@news1.tilbu1.nb.home.nl... > Chuck wrote: > >> >> Having seen what he looks like now, I think there is only one rational >> explanation for what he was planning. I will now share it with you all... >> in verse: >> Ahem. >> >> <snip brilliancy> > > People NEED to read this. Do I have permission to publish this elsewhere? > > Okay, how much... :o) > Sure thing. May the spirit of Hussein touch us all this holiday season. FA-LALALALA-LALA-LA-BOOM.

Quote #1117 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:brrahm$6k79n$1@ID-108940.news.uni-berlin.de... > What's that scraping sound? > > Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor. > "Er, excuse me? Why would I insert a stick into my ass, it doesn't make sense? It would make it impossible to sit in front of the computer like I obviously am if I had put a stick in my ass. What's more, if it's making a scraping sound it would probably have to be some kind of metal stick, or at least metal tipped. Why exactly I would go to that much trouble.... [12 kilobytes later] ...in short, you should probably rethink this. Or was this just a bit of trolling?"

Quote #1118 -- Chuck

"Matt Huang" <Shadowarbiter@aol.com> wrote in message news:7751cbfa.0401031824.7f221c96@posting.google.com... > If he is, then ASVS is the less humorous for it. Sure, it'll be > drastically less pervy, but who will balance Spickard out? I guess that would depend upon what you mean. If you're referring to automotives, then I believe the Horsheks, operating at a rotational rate of thirteen thousand RPMs (or eleven thousand British RPMs) should provide the sufficient torque necessary to balance out the Spickard, provided you get the transmission fluid changed every twenty thousand miles (or thirty thousand British miles). If you want, just crank up the Broomshwipper from 8 to 9.2 and that should keep things purring for another five years (or two British years). If you're thinking in terms of international politics, I assume you are referring to the upcoming election in the small eastern European nation of Homaslavia, in which high-ranked parliament member Spickard Porisoff is a lead contender for the post of El Presidente. While he has a great deal of support from many world leaders, popular support is still divided on his issue. Economics is a major factor. For one, he plans to change the title of his position to "The President," which would require purchasing a new sign (the current title was determined because the only sign available was one donated by the United States in 1990 after taking it off Manuel Noriega's door). Another is the current rate of inflation of the local unit, the borisnichovichiocho (or the plural form: borisnicovichiochi), and its relative value to international currency. For example, a ticket on the Homoslavik railroad from the capital in Borsht for one Euro would allow you to travel to the city of Schmakistanburg twelve miles away. On the other hand, a ticket bought for B1 (an approximation of the symbol for the borisnichovichiocho; the exact symbol is a capital B superimposed over an image of a buxom woman beating a horse with a pineapple) at the Number 1 Exchange in Borsht will get you approximately from the starting point to the end of the platform before being booted off. With these issues in mind, it's no wonder that the need to balance Spickard is a concern among both local and international governments, especially considering they recently developed the technology to deliver bio-terrorist weapons to strategic targets (called the HPS, or, in international circles, the Homaslavik Postal System). If Spickard is not elected as El Presidente, the country could become a military dictatorship and lead to slaughter unseen in that beautiful country since the Schnitzel Rebellion of 1993. Come to think of it, I guess you might be referring to the high wire act of the Balancing Spickards (TM). Their fame is admittedly not without some justification, and the recent death of forty-two year-old Barishnikov Spickard (a tragic freak accident involving a bowling ball, three paperclips, and an aardvark) does lead to your question of who will balance Spickard. I have some industry sources that have hinted that Paul "Upsey-Daisy" Marishnicoli of the Rippling Bros. Cliche Circus may join up with the group, providing the final necessary 172 pound body (or 101 British pound body, also known as one metric corinthian) necessary to complete some of the Spickards more well-known stunts, especially their high wire interpretive dance version of Titanic. If you are instead referring to the famous artist, Juan de Horace Van Der Spickard, then I must admit that this is an excellent question. Many fine institutions, including the Guggenheim and the Louvre, have wondered how best to balance a style of art that is, on the one hand, shocking in its social criticism, and yet showing the purity of his art (it is, in fact, composed entirely of multi-colored gummi-bears glued to a grandfather clock). While his work certainly can stand on its own, the fact is that singular exhibitions have been prone to public disapproval; specifically, burning the museums down. As always, then, the debate rages on whether politics should be allowed to rear its head in the realm of art, and so the question of compromise is how you best balance Spickard. Prof. Quigmichnital, world re-knowned scholar on the subject, claims he has made a breakthrough unparalleled since 1987, when he devised an improved spelling of "renowned." He believes the proper balance to it is: a DaGass, an 8 x 10 black and white photo of a tree, and a painting of an astronaut carrying a bicycle down a flight of stairs backwards. Time will tell whether his assertion is correct. So, I guess what I'm saying is that, much like yourself, I'm not sure of the best way to balance Spickard. Perhaps an idea will occur to us, but until then, I guess you'll just have to keep your head down for several days (or many British days) to come.

Quote #1119 -- Chuck

[Ed. note: Posted under the name "Gene Roddenberry" :)] "Dalton" <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:bvito2$soh2g$2@ID-108940.news.uni-berlin.de... > DanielSBen wrote: > >> If i'm not mistaken, TOWNMBS (the real one, TJ himself) has returned >> and posted in reply to the fake "Austin Sweevo". > > ...kid, don't presume to make troll reports when you don't even know > what the fuck you're talking about. We already know who's behind the > fake Austin posts and that TJ post is an obvious fake. > I don't know what you mean, son. Far as I can tell, if the post says someone's name, then by Jim's girdle it must be that person. Stands to reason. Thus, this must be the return of that Jones fella himself, and not possibly a case of a newbie blowing his wad at the chance to spot the blight himself. Gene

Quote #1159 -- Chuck

"JPMWycombe" <jpmwycombe@aol.com> wrote in message news:20040413174516.13360.00000216@mb-m18.aol.com... > post it anyway Okay guys, I'm just about out of ideas here. I have no recourse but to break out the puppets. [Had to put it in a separate text file... --Ed.]

Quote #1167 -- Chuck (SDnet)

[Context: Chuck misspelt Kyp Durron's name in his fanfic] Kyp Durros is Kyp's non-union Klingon scab equivalent. "I do myself much dishonor for crossing this picket line...."

Quote #1216 -- Chuck

So I found out today that there's going to be another terrorist attack, which practically included the rider "AND WE REALLY REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!" because of all the other emails that have warned of terrorist attacks that never happened. Here's a small exerpt: "One of my colleagues has a good family friend who works in city hall. This friend called my coworker on Friday to tell him about some intelligence the city has gotten regarding a possible terror attack in the city (most likely the subways) planned for this Friday and urged him to avoid the subways if possible. He also told him something about the city placing an order for 2 to 3 thousand extra body bags. Now you have to take these things with a grain of salt because I am sure they get tons of this intelligence that turns out to be nothing. However there are some things that coinside with this Friday that seem to give it a higher probability than usual. The terrorists attacked the WTC on 9/11. They attacked Spain's subways on 3/11. This Friday just happens to be 6/11 (thank GOD I'll be on a plane that day!)." Dun Dun DUNN!!! Look at the evidence just mounting. 9/11, 3/11.... and now 6/11!!! Sheesh, you know, terrorists would be a lot less dangerous if they actually did this kind of crap. Burt Ward Robin: Holy orange alert, Batman! Commissioner Gordon says they've just received a clue about the next terrorist attack! Adam West Batman: What did they send? BWR: It looks like some kind of clock. AWB: Yes, this definitely looks like the work of Osama bin Riddler. BWR: Bin Riddler?! But I thought he was killed after we captured Saddam Huessaurus and the Reptilian Guard? AWB: Apparently not, old chum. Hmm... This clock is a unique design... the only place in the city that uses it is in the subway. BWR: Holy metaphore for my asshole, Batman! That must mean that the terrorists are planning on attacking the subway! But when? AWB: Hmm, it seems that the number six has been crossed off the clock. That leaves only eleven numbers... obviously it means that the attack will take place on 6/11. BWR: Holy fucking obvious, Batman! We're going to have to tell the commissioner to order more body bags! AWB: Right, chum. But first we'll have to devise a trap for bin Riddler. BWR: How do you plan to do that? AWB: I think the first thing to do would be for me to start ass-grinding you while bent over the Batmobile. BWR: [long pause] I... suppose that might work.... why do all your plans start this way again? And so, the world is made a safer place.

Quote #1217 -- Chuck

"Wouter Valentijn" <WouterValentijnwisheshewas@home.nl> wrote in message news:2mldtmFoh932U1@uni-berlin.de... >> "Silent Bob Foley" <jpmwycombe@aol.com> schreef in bericht >> news:20040726180532.16070.00001591@mb-m21.aol.com... >> then theres the ship's crew make up there were supposedly 30000 >> crew on an isd- in a Cube it's 'millions'. > > ? > Not millions > I thought it was 64,000. That may have been true for that cube at that moment, but (and I obviously have nothing to back this up but common sense, which, when applied to Voyager, is already treading where there be dragons) that is a horribly inefficient use of space. Appleton, Wisconsin has a comparable population in 55.3 square kilometers, which means that if the Borg opted for the spacious living of the small town Midwest, they still would only need six decks to house all the drones. That means that on the decks we've seen, they are all crammed together just to make sure there's even more room for cheese shops, old world sausage makers, and a sports bar where you can don your spongy foam yellow hat and assimilate some quality football ("Brett Favre, we find your biological distinctiveness remarkable!"). As for the other levels, they must be room for the future drones they assimilate from Minneapolis/St. Paul ("Ya, we are the Borg doncha know?" "I am Ventura of Borg; resistance is futile, bitch.").

Quote #1218 -- Chuck

"rob.wn5" <rob.wn5getridofthis@ntlworld.com> wrote in message news:93BNc.594$%62.151@newsfe2-gui.ntli.net... > Tyralak wrote: > > > CivicDude_182@webtv.net (Ryan S.) wrote in news:27291-4100B77C-63 > > @storefull-3157.bay.webtv.net: > >> > >>In a all out brawl who in your opinion would win between: A Sovereign > >>Class Star Ship or A Imperial Class Star Destroyer? > >> > >>My Opinion: The Sovereign Class Would Win. > > > > You would be correct. > > Teehehe, go on then. What is the way the Soveriegn would win? > :-) Picard: Mr. Data, what if we re-route emergency power from the deflector array, bypass the main Heisenberg decouplers, channel it through the Horshack amplifiers, and use it as an alternate power supply for the phasers. Data: I'm not sure, since I'm dead. Picard: Really? Data: Yes, your evil clone killed me. Picard: Damn evil clones! Always ruining our plans! Make it so anyway, um, Worf. You're not dead are you? Worf: No, I'm just an ambassador to our closest military ally, and I fire phasers for you. Picard: Good, make it so.

Quote #1219 -- Chuck

Transcend has the most amazing debate strategy; even Scooter should consider trying something like this. Counter your opponent's points while saying something so hideously embarrassing that they are too busy laughing to counter your argument. Thus he could win the debate, and all it cost was his dignity. Transcend: Your opinons on sexuality are wrong. Iv'e never had, nor will ever have, a homosexual thought, and you're harping on it isn't going to hcange that. Now, I admit that I have frequently had dreams where I suck on a man's cock, and it is admittedly a very stimulating experience for me, BUT, I should point out that in the dream, I'm a woman, enjoying the caress of his hands on my firm, swaying breasts or running through my long golden hair as he pushes my face down on him over and over again. So you see, those are strictly *heterosexual* fantasies, and your opinions are obviously WRONG. Opponents: [unable to type while laughing] Transcend: Concession accepted.

Quote #1220 -- Chuck

"Anime Fanboy" wrote in message news:95da7eaf699b23085426d3ebd82779e4@news.bubbanews.com... > I can't believe you people are actually debating Xomicron. Oh God, I hope you're right! What kind of props is that for a newsgroup, when even the trolls can't stop themselves from joining in on-topic debates! Next thing you know, he's going to have his own BBS... I feel like Agent Smith in Matrix Reloaded, uploading our nerddom into some unsuspecting troll.

Quote #1221 -- Chuck

"Graeme Dice" <grdice@sasktel.net.NOSPAM> wrote in message news:f1BPc.163980$ek5.150128@pd7tw2no... > mike3 wrote: > > > Graeme Dice <grdice@sasktel.net.NOSPAM> wrote in message > > news:... > > > > <snip> > > > >> Oh go home and cry to your mother you baby. This is a public forum on > >> usenet. > >> > > Therefore you can use foul lanugage and personal attacks that would be > > impermissible in public? Ha. It's not a debate then, it's a FIGHT. > > Therefore, I'm leaving. > > I've used foul language? I think that you'd have to look pretty hard to > find a post where I've sworn at anyone. I know I swore at Alves a few > years ago. Well, yeah, but that's expected with Alves. I'm sure even Boyd swore at him at some point. "Oh darn you you stupid, stupid man!"

Quote #1222 -- Chuck

"mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:F1HPc.70$PY.67@news01.roc.ny... > Hi. > > This is not about Death Stars, RAW ENERGY, > or whatever. This is about DEBATING itself. > > Debating involves attacking arguments, not gross > wanton flaming. You don't go after the man, you > go after his arguments. We do go after the argument, but we customer service-oriented debaters will always give more bang for the buck. Flames are attached at no additional cost to you; it's just one of the many ways we're working to serve you better... shithead.

Quote #1223 -- Chuck

"mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:1d54b7e4.0408081019.7429e477@posting.google.com... > Graeme Dice <grdice@sasktel.net.NOSPAM> wrote in > message news:<vhkQc.14460$M95.7918@pd7tw1no>... > > mike3 wrote: > > > > > > > > > Then it's not really a debating group, it's a FIGHTING > > > group. > > > > Of course it's a debating group. The fact that you've not bothered to > > do any debating is why you've been insulted. > > > > I have tried to do debating, but even with Wong's debate with > Darkstar, there was FLAMES... Therefore it wasn't a debate... I've > tried to show ecvidence, I've tried to ask for a server to provide > pictures for evidence, you won't give me one, etc. You still don't get it: it's not *our* responsibility to help *your* arguments. If you would stop being so cheap and/or lazy, you could fix this problem yourself. You've been *told* this dozens of times already. This is why you are insulted: we tell you something, you don't listen and repeat yourself. We tell you something, you don't listen and repeat yourself, ad nauseum. You are fucking stupid, no, you're beyond fucking stupid, you aspire one day to be fucking stupid. If you underwent the operation done on the retard in Flowers for Algernon you might approach fucking stupid. If we could harness the energy of fucking stupid, the US could build its own Death Star powered by you. Christ, I know coma patience who can spot things you miss...

Quote #1224 -- Chuck

"mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:XirVc.1678$UG7.1422@news01.roc.ny... > I can't convince you of anything, so I'm leaving. > > The horse has been led to water. He won't drink. The fact that you of all people employ this methapor is the most ironic thing I've ever seen. If it were raining clues you'd be the one carrying an umbrella. > There is no way to argue when both sides honestly > believe their ideas are the truth. That's a funny way to defend your pigheadedness. > Goodbye. Yeah, beat it.

Quote #1225 -- Chuck

"mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:1d54b7e4.0408231644.3edce0d4@posting.google.com... > "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:<Xns954BE3F2E20E7nobodyhomecom@24.64.223.211>... > > "mike3" wrote: > > > > > Side note: Rules were written by Warsies -- hence > > > they are biased. I would prefer rules from an > > > IMPARTIAL mediator. > > > > The rules were created in a democratic fashion. > > > > C.S.Strowbridge > > Rules were made via interpretation -- and by BIASED people. Hence said > rules are not fair. Hence this group is not fair. Hence I shouldn't be > arguing here. Oo boy, so many errors, where should I start? There's the ad hominem, argumentum ad logicam, hasty generalization, a bit of the fallacy of presupposition... it's like a buffet of stupidity. "Everyone line up, there's plenty to go around!"

Quote #1257 -- Chuck

"Spyderizer" <no@spam.com> wrote in message news:NBSWc.222$mZ2.17450@news02.tsnz.net... > *waves* > > I was wondering if it would work better if we said goodbye back. So > anyway, bye little fella. Dorothy: Goodbye, mikey, we'll miss you, and your friends Cowardly Liar, and Tin Forehead, and I'll miss you most of all Straw Man! Bye-bye!

Quote #1281 -- Chuck

"The Baron" <baron_lowe@NOSPAMyahoo.com> wrote in message news:u587j09lg0sn93jrprjn6fcndebvv42hlm@4ax.com... >> PS: warp drives do not violate physics -- warp drives warp space > > Says who? Mike3, patron saint of head trauma and people who like fingering mares.

Quote #1282 -- Chuck

Aron Kerkhof wrote: > Has anyone figured out WHY the dialogue was changed? What did it add > exactly? That the Emperor knows that Luke blew up happy fun ball? > That's pretty much what I assumed, since he's all hot and bothered > about him anyway. I think it's to show that Vader is keeping the Emperor out of the loop in the hopes of using Luke against him. Vader: The Death Squadron has been assembled along with the new Executor, and that Ozzel will be showing up soon. Emperor: Oh God, not him! He's an idiot! Vader: Yes; but he drew the short straw. Emperor: *sigh* Very well, just what are you going to do with this new fleet? Vader: We've launched probe droids and are looking for the young Rebel who destroyed the Death Star. Emperor: Yes... who was the young man. Vader: I, er, don't know for sure. Emperor: Oh really? Vader: Ehem, well, er no, not really. Emperor: I heard you have a name. Vader: Oh, yes, the name. Luke something. Emperor: Luke... something? Vader: Yes, definitely Luke something. Emperor: What's his last name, Vader? Vader: It's Luke S-crouf-CROUF-ruff-huff-hum-her. Emperor: What was that? Vader: Sorry, bit of dust in the mask, playing up the asthma. Ozzel: [walking in] Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to uh* [Vader gives his boot a nudge and Ozzel pratfalls onto the floor] Vader: That Ozzel, he's as clumsy as he is stupid. Emperor: Heh heh! I like that one! Tell that to Veers, he's got a sense of humor. Now, what were we talking about? Vader: Snickers bars, my master. Emperor: Oh yeah, damn peanuts get caught in my dentures. Tell Mara to get me a Milky Way instead.

Quote #1283 -- Chuck

"Spyderizer" <no@spam.com> wrote in message news:E8Zad.7709$mZ2.671414@news02.tsnz.net... > Chuck wrote: > >> "mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message >> news:GyWad.9099$8j7.3819@news02.roc.ny... >> >>> Your purpose is just to win, so I don't have to debate >>> Now bye. >> >> I won't believe this unless it's a suicide note. > > I wouldn't trust a suicide note from this guy, he probably leaves them > when he goes out to buy ham. LOL Kind of a reverse of the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good night everyone, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill myself before morning."

Quote #1284 -- Chuck

Damn you, fickle whims of fate that force me to only have one chance at replying to this ripe post! Aw, what the hell. "mike3" <mike4ty4@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:iWOmd.4040$zM6.531@news02.roc.ny... > "Spyderizer" <no@spam.com> wrote in message > news:u9Nmd.6481$3U4.142580@news02.tsnz.net... > >> mike3 wrote: >> >>> Hi. >>> >>> That's why it's called science >>> FICTION! *F* *I* *C* *T* *I* *O* *N*!!!! What is HyperMatter? Some >>> pseudoscientific BS. >> >> This is the equivilant of getting beaten at a game then spending the >> next month crying your eyes out and yelling "It's a stupid game! Only >> stupid people play it!" >> >> Grow up. > > That's your OPINION that I was beaten. The fact that EVERYONE here > thinks I'm wrong proves that EVERYONE here is a FOOL. Ah! The power of the ALL CAPS! They're killing me!!! Stoooooppp!!! > That's your OPINION that I was beaten. The fact that EVERYONE here > thinks I'm wrong proves that EVERYONE here is a FOOL. And ats-s, and rgra, sci.math, talk.origins, alt.tv-stargate-sg1.... Everywhere you go there are people who think you are a fool... how can there be that many stupid people in the world?! > That's your OPINION that I was beaten. The fact that EVERYONE here > thinks I'm wrong proves that EVERYONE here is a FOOL. The fact that everyone here thinks you're wrong is proof that even people who disdain each other can at least share a brief exchange of "I loathe you, everything you say, and all that you stand for, but I will at least credit you with the fact that you're not mike3." > That's your OPINION that I was beaten. The fact that EVERYONE here > thinks I'm wrong proves that EVERYONE here is a FOOL. Is "fool" your final word? If so it's most fitting.

Quote #1285 -- Chuck

Subject: Bush Reveals Startling New Anti-Terror Plan AP-WASHINGTON Today at 2PM EST, President George Bush, along with Vice-President Dick Cheney, addressed the nation from the Oval Office on the upcoming administration and the war on terror. Said the president: "My fellow Americans, we have had a bitter struggle against terrorists and the enemies of freedom for these past three years. After the tragedy of 9/11 we have learned the United States must be proactive in the war against our enemies. As you may know, I have been provided several billion dollars to fight this war, which some out there feel was wasted. Well, today the vice president and I intend to reveal how that money was spent and how it will ensure a safer America." At this time he and the vice president revealed specially crafted rings. "By day, Dick Cheney and I will continue to go about our daily identity as a mild-mannered and inconspicuous president and vice-president of America. However, when the threat of terrorism rears its head, we will leap into action using these, the Freedom Rings. By joining the rings and issuing our battle cry, we will undergo our transformation." At this point, the president and vice president both cried out, "Let Freedom Ring!" and joined the rings together, causing a blinding flash. When the glare cleared, the vice president was dressed in full body armor, and the president a stylized jumpsuit and matching crash helmet. "As you can see," the president remarked, "we have now adopted our identity of Cheneybot, and Lone Star 1, respectively. This suit was designed for Cheneybot when he was forced to receive his new artificial heart to stay alive. Now, however, he is both machine and man, and ready to fight the terrorists. His armor renders him nigh invulnerable, and his hydraulics and boot jets will make him a dangerous foe for those who would be our enemies. Also, I should mention that he has assembled a huge array of terror and crime-fighting equipment at his undisclosed location, including the Cheney-rangs, Cheney-mobile, and super-powerful Cheney-computer, which will crack even the most advanced terrorists codes in seconds." Cheneybot then gave a demonstration of his powerful bootjets by flying around the room, then effortlessly crushing a bronze statue. The president continued: "As for myself, Lone Star 1, I will be calling upon my years of training in the National Guard to pilot our nation' s final line of defense against terror." The president then flipped back the head on a bust of George Washington, revealing a keypad. He then entered a code, causing a change that startled many Americans as well as Washington residents when the White House transformed into a giant robot. "Patriotobot Prime is strong enough to lift thousands of tons," the president revealed from the cockpit of the giant robot, located in the head. "It has advanced laser weaponry, and an adamantium battleaxe. Also, it can transform into a submarine and a tank." The address was interrupted by a hijacking of the broadcast signal. It was revealed to be the work of none other than Michael Moore, aka Dr. Fahrenheit, the president's archnemesis. Dr. Fahrenheit taunted Lone Star 1 for the inadequacies of his plan and told him he would bring the president to his knees. However, it seemed that his boast was ill-advised, as Cheneybot remotely accessed the Cheneycomputer and deduced that Moore had planned an attack on Wall Street. With a repetition of their "Let Freedom Ring" cry, the two separated, with Chenybot heading to stop the Wall Street assault while Patriotobot Prime flew towards Moore Manor itself. At Wall Street, a group of men armed with machine guns opened fire on the vice-president. However, his armor proved more than a match for them. With impressive speed he disarmed the assailants and placed them all in a large net that was left hanging from a nearby streetlight. Police were soon on the scene and took Moore's forces into custody. Lone Star 1, however, met with greater resistance. The president was apparently unprepared for the Moore Manor to be defended by another long-time adversary. The Dixie Chicks had brought in a Stars and Bars-decorated giant robot dubbed "Gundam of the South." With a "Oh Wish I Was In The Land Of Cotton" sound similar to that of the General Lee horn, the Gundam of the South and Patriotobot Prime were engaged in a grappling fisticuffs match throughout the countryside. The battle raged for a harrowing thirty minutes, but Lone Star 1 managed to outfight the Dixie Chicks and disable the Gundam. However, the victory was bittersweet for the president, as Moore and the Dixie Chicks escaped in a rocket. Since the battle Patriotobot Prime returned to Washington and transformed back into the White House. Bush and Cheney have also resumed their secret identities as president and vice-president. However, they did take time to offer their assurances to the nation. "No matter what the challenge," said the president, "we as a nation will live up to it. But for now, let freedom ring!" The two then brandished their freedom rings for emphasis. Michael Moore was not available for comment.

Quote #1286 -- Chuck

"yeahok" <hcaul@webtv.net> wrote in message news:94e66be2.0411281152.aa4796d@posting.google.com... > Um, actually Pacino is getting great reviews for this performance. > FilmThreat is in the distinct minority on this one. Do a search at > MRQE or a Google web search to see for yourself.One distinguished > critic, (Jack Matthews) has said this performance as Shylock is as > good as any he's ever given. Think about that : as good a performance > as one of the greatest actors in the history of film has EVER > given.I'm too busy laughing at the idiocy of your post to really care > though. I like Pacino, from Donnie Brasco to Insomnia to Scent of a Woman to Heat to Godfather... he's always succeeded in entertaining me. The idea that he could possibly make one turkey, though, is so offensive to you that you have to come on this group and refer to any criticism as idiocy? You are like those animal rights people who throw paint on people who wear fur or religious fanatics who stand on street corners and yell to people that they are going to hell (the people, not the street corners). You are doing a hell of a job of driving people away from the very thing you are trying to champion. Your every line wreaks of an obsessive fan with a trembling lower lip that anyone would dare to offer a criticism of a near god. Your actions were so at odds with what you'd think the goal would be (to generate interest in the film) that I did a google check to see if you were a troll. Much like the mike3 incident, this was like lifting a rock and finding gold, Evan Thomas. Suddenly "obsessive fan" doesn't seem to cover it enough, more like a sad little man with a shrine in his bedroom and a wall plastered with photographs. Hopping from newsgroup to newsgroup just to discuss the subject of Pacino... dude, he's a fine actor, really, I like him, but he cannot cure leprosy with his left hand and calm the storms with his right, nor can he silence the guns of war with a rightous "hoo-ah!" Stop the obsession, rethink your approaches, and try to graduate from a Scent of a Woman to the touch of a woman.

Quote #1336 -- Chuck

LOL That's a funny thought, Borg cubes running around cleaning and tidying across the galaxy, like a cybernetic version of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. "We are the Borg, and we see we have a lot of work to do here, girlfriend."

Quote #1348 -- Chuck

Spanky The Dolphin: I say we set him on fire and eat him. verilon: Sorry, that would require barbeque sauce. I would rather not eat roast Eleas turned to carbon with the side of barbeque sauce. Gives me gas that would kill flies. Spanky The Dolphin: Blech, I have to mix in ketchup before I'm able to find barbeque correctly paletable. I have no problem with eating him alive, though, if we can't set him on fire first. verilon: Now see, alive wouldn't be too bad, We'd have to deworm him first, of course, but that shouldn't take too long to do, right? Eleas: Nope. I'm tasty and fibrous. Sonnenburg: Well, it looks like you guys certainly are moving into new territory with this. The field of cannibalism is largely wide open for the humor genre, leaving plenty of material to exploit. I think the recent success of the off Broadway play, Alive: The Musical, is testimony to that, especially some of the great numbers like "Remember, It Tastes Like Pork," "Light Meat or Dark?," and "A Man Of Good Taste." I should warn you, though, that I've heard a rumor that Eleas is, in fact, made of Soylent Green, so you should maybe think this over first.

Quote #1360 -- Chuck

"Dalton" <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:32ph28F3n5asfU2@individual.net... > C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > > > Dalton wrote: > > > >>C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > >> > >>>December 26th will be a busy shopping day for a lot of people. > >> > >>Why's that? > > > > > > Snapping up all the DVDs they didn't buy because they thought they might > > get them for Christmas. > > Hah, true. That happened to me last year with TTT, dammit. And there's nothing worse than arriving at an electronics store the day after Christmas... it's like a practice run for the fall of civilization. After last year, I think it will be better for all concerned if I just stand in front of a Best Buy, waiting for someone who's returning the set, and beat them until their face feels like wet pasta, and take it home (the DVD, not the face). There's a reason the day's called "Boxing Day" goddammit.

Quote #1366 -- Chuck

So I'm in Wal-Mart before work because I promised my brother I'd pick him up a DVD. I walk in and it's dead quiet, and I see only one person operating that huge bank of checkout counters. I head to the back of the store, I see no one on the way. So I start looking for the movie, and I don't see it, but I know it was just released, so I'm wondering if it's in the wrong place, since Wal-Mart isn't exactly known for quality, but there's no one around to ask. Just as I'm thinking about this, I hear a cheer and a round of applause coming from the automotive section. I pause, and a few seconds later I hear it again. The hell? Why in the world are all the Wal-Mart employees gathered in automotive, and what are they so happy about? Knowing the collective IQ involved, I was waiting for the sound of squealing and someone shouting, "Get 'im! Get that pig, Earl!" I think about heading over to see what's going on, but then they break out into a louder and more feverish cheer and applause, and it, well, it frightens me. The people at Wal-Mart never seemed quite right to me, and I'm wondering if there isn't some cult activity going on I wasn't meant to know about. Perhaps some virgin has been tied down near the spark plugs and the assistant manager, with his hat full of feather and his Drew Carrey-esque glasses, is offering chants to their god before sending her soul screeching into the beyond. Behind him would be a giant yellow smiling face, except with two big black angry eyebrows. By making this sacrifice they will appease his wrath and he will not only spare their lives another week, but will continue to ensure that prices are rolled back all over the place. Then the knife will fall and blood will be spilled and they'll give another vicious round of cheers and applause before getting on with the task of stocking the beer in the shoe department. The more I thought about all the things Wal-Mart refused to stock for some silly reason, the more sense this began to make, although I wasn't completely convinced I was wrong about the pig. Taking no chances, I quickly exited the premises and went into work. Later on, when I deemed that all was back to normal and enough Bounty sheets were brought in to clean up the blood and entrails, I called and found out they didn't have it in stock because they're a newer store; according to the manager, that why they don't get as much good stuff. That was her reason. Uh huh. Frankly, I'm more inclined to think their god devoured them at a displeasing sacrifice and cast a horrible plague on the entire automotive department. Whatever the case, I've stopped getting my oil changed there. I mean, you just can't be too careful when you're dealing with your engine, especially when a distrought deity may be involved. That's just not covered under your warranty.

Quote #1367 -- Chuck on Star Trek Enterprise

"Silichip" <Silichip@mailblocks.com> wrote in message news:gFRMd.470$hQ1.368@newsfe1-win.ntli.net... > The series finale will air on Friday, May 13, 2005. The crew discovers a cryogenically frozen Jason Voorhees. kil kil kil kil kah kah kah KAAAAAAHHHHNNNNN!!!!

Quote #1368 -- Chuck on Star Trek Enterprise

Only an idiot would end a non-comedy series as being nothing more than a dream, which tells me they wouldn't do anything that obvious. Then I remember who we're dealing with here and know that everything's up for grabs. "Maybe Voyager *won't* get home, huh?! Huh ya naysaying bastards! Fuck each and every last one of you! Here, want some Borg? Here's your fucking Borg! And time travel, lots of time travel! Huh?! You happy now?!! I hope you all rot in hell!"

Quote #1369 -- Chuck

The scene is Cloud City, as Luke, weakened from amputation, crawls away from Vader as the Sith tries to turn him. Vader: If you only knew the power of the dark side! Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him. Vader: No... he lives in a pineapple under the sea. Luke: No... that's not true... that's impossible! Vader: Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. Luke: NOOOOOOOOOO- Pirate: -OOOOOOO! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea.... >From when I found out I could get a giant Spongebob Squarepants when I went to buy a bunch of Star Wars toys. It just seemed wrong...

Quote #1425 -- Chuck

Subject: [HUMOR] What's In A Name Today's absolutely tasteless skit is brought to you by R, K, and the number 4. Obi-Wan: Master, now that I will be living in exile on Tatooine to watch over the boy, I'm worried I may attract attention. Yoda: Hm, yes. Your name, you must leave behind, if you are to evade the Sith. Obi-Wan: Oh dear, but I'm quite attached to my name. Yoda: Attached to your head, are you? Which to lose, would you prefer? Obi-Wan: You make a good point, my verbally dyslexic master. Perhaps I can honor my former master. Obi-Gon Jinn... what do you think? Yoda: Shit, it is. Obi-Wan: Oh come on! Yoda: Awful name. Obi-Wan: But Jinn is the name of my mentor, and- Yoda: Ahem. Obi-Wan: Oh. Yes. And you trained me as well, didn't you. Yoda: Ah, remember finally, you do, dummy. Obi-Wan: Well, master, "Yoda" would likely attract attention, with you being a famous and powerful Jedi master; wise, cunning... Yoda: Left out "handsome" you did. Obi-Wan: Perhaps I can combine it. Yoda-Jinn. Yo-in. Hm. The "In" works, but it's the "y" that makes it hard. Yoda: Wyen then. Obi-Wan: Yes, yes that could work. Obi-Gon Wyen. Yoda: No. Obi-Wan: No? Yoda: No. Obi-Wan: What about "OG" for "old gangsta," that- Yoda: No. Obi-Wan: How about just Obi-Gee then. Kind of in the same vein. Yoda: Obi-Gee, yes, that works. His album, I would buy. Obi-Wan: Finally, a name we can agree on. Yoda: Yes perfect it is. From this day forward you will be known as Obi-Gee Wyen. [Silence] Obi-Wan: Perfect! Yoda: Still have it, I do! Obi-Wan: No one is going to take notice of an old hermit called Obi-Gee Wyen, I'll tell you. Yoda: With a name like that, take their clothes off for you chicks will. Bwe-heheheheh! Obi-Wan: Now, all joking aside, master, you know the Jedi I forbidden to love in that way. As much as it pains me to say it, looking at the female body is no job for Obi-Gee Wyen, I tell you.

Quote #1431 -- Chuck

It is odd that a bundle of sticks has the same connotation as a male homosexual. Although it was fun saying "Hey, remember that faggot in The Blair Witch Project? Man, that was the ugliest faggot I've ever seen. Now out here, back behind the barn, there are some really, really impressive faggots. Impressive faggots too; some were over three feet long. That was a faggot you could take pride calling your own."

Quote #1432 -- CHuck

Ryan Spickard: Who's Evil Kneebler? Strowbridge: IIRC, Chuck's soon to be married brother. Chuck: Cousin. He's like the brother I never had. Unlike the brothers I did have.

Quote #1434 -- Chuck

I hate sigs that turn a 1K file into a 3K file. The only thing that's worse are those assholes that send you a letter with all this background images and crap that nearly crashes your computer so they can have dancing skulls going across the screen while "Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These" by Marilyn Manson plays in the background and the text is practically unreadable because they chose a color that's three tones away from being the background. Honestly, I wish grandma would cut it out.

Quote #1444 -- Chuck

Dalton wrote: > I wish there was more of you man. You make me piss myself. I wish I had something to offer, but I've been too excited reading about the upcoming special edition of Episode III, where they're finally putting back in the sub-plot about Anakin's trip to the Dark side. Apparently, there one of the driving elements was Anakin's frustration in his trial, which involved the use of an Etch-A-Sketch. "This tool requires control of mind and body," Obi-Wan explained. "A steady hand and patience." Anakin, unaccustomed to this kind of test, found the whole thing horribly frustrating, leading to many cases of him fuming and throwing the accursed thing across the room. After he was placed on the Council, Obi-Wan said they would agree to make him a master once he managed to successfully complete a perfect circle on one of them. "When that is done, then you have proven your mastery, and there will be nothing more I can teach you." It wasn't long after that Anakin gave in to the Dark side, his frustrations pushing him over the edge. Also, the sub-plot finally explained why Vader was so quick to find Obi-Wan on the Death Star and face him alone. It was finally time to gloat. "I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but a learner, now I am the master." Chuck "You can't keep him locked up like an animal!" "No, we're keeping him locked up because he's a big freak."

Quote #1445 -- Chuck

When I was a kid, "the circle is now complete" was one of those lines that just made no sense to me. That and the fact that Red Leader was from the southern portion of the galaxy. "Hol' up here an' wait'fer mah signal." That's why I liked some of the Special Edition inserts, because we got to see him with the helmet off and discover he was, in fact, former president Bill Clinton.

Quote #1450 -- Chuck

People see what they want to see. Shuttle goes up and Saddam calls it Allah's work. Shuttle goes up and Phelps calls it Jehovah's judgment. Here's the riddle: if God wanted to send a message, don't you think he'd pick something better than causing twenty-five year old antique technology to break? I mean, if that's all that it takes these days to show a sign of God people should have regular pilgrimages to my house. Wife: Bad news, Chuck. The Lord has willed that your CD player was full of the power of Satan. Chuck: And so, what did you do. Wife: Release them. Chuck: How? Wife: With a hammer.

Quote #1453 -- Chuck

On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 20:01:33 +1300, Spyderizer wrote: >One more thing, none of the Jedi in episode 3 tried saying "no, don't >execute order 66" Wouldn't they have to know about Order 66 to say that? :) Jedi #1: By the Force! I've just learned a terrible truth! Jedi #2: Yes? Jedi #1: Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord! Jedi #2: Really? Jedi #1: Yes, he just came right out and told me. Can't understand what the hell he's thinking. Jedi #2: Indeed. Did he tell you of his nefarious plans? Jedi #1: Oh yes! He's trained all the clone troopers to kill all the Jedi! Jedi #2: Holy shit! Jedi #1: That's right! It's called Order 66. Jedi #2: Order 66... Damn, you're right! It's right here on the list, right between Order 65 "Seriously maim all the Jedi" and Order 67 "Violently noogie all the Jedi!" Jedi #1: What do we do? Jedi #2: We have to tell the Jedi Council at once! We have to make sure no one gives the order to execute Order 66- [Clone troopers all turn and blast the hell out of the two Jedi, except one, who is feverishly giving a dutch rub to one of the corpses] Trooper: Herbert, we told you to get that comm unit fixed!

Quote #1456 -- Chuck

Chuck wrote: > Connor MacLeod wrote: > >> Some days I wish I could be an obsessed nut... it looks like a lot of >> fun. You get to have all of the thrill of being in a life and death struggle >> without the slightest risk to your own person because it exists only in your mind. > > I thought you already had that with your fictional WMDS in the 'Republic of > Chuck" :P Well that's hardly a perfect comparison. My nation is real after all, and chief scientist Seven of Nine has informed me our nuclear project was moving forward quite well, and Minister of Defense Mara Jade has said the means to deploy them are nearly ready. Now, if you'll excuse me, the afternoon pillow fight is about to begin, and I must referee, as is my national duty.

Back to Top


Index