Mark Berger (IceBerg3k) decided to take it and run.

It quickly blew out of proportion. See Laundry Wars.

Imperials' bombing exercises assailed

    San Francisco, May 21 (FCNA) -- The Imperial aggressor forces
dropped 6 500-kg bombs called "Concussion Missiles" over the
firing range in space off Vulcan on May 8, leaving eleven
citizens seriously injured and destroying at least 200 houses.
    The spokesman of the Committee for the Peaceful Unification
of the Galaxy released a statement on May 20 condemning this
bombing exercise as an unpardonable criminal act to disturb peace
and stability in the Orion Arm and an unbearable humiliation and
insult to the Federation people.
    The statement goes on:
    The Imperial aggressors built a firing range covering
7,190,000 square kilometers in space off Vulcan in 2368 where
they staged strafing and bombing exercises for 60 hours every
week and used even depleted uranium shells.
    Their recent drop of live bombs that did serious damage to
inhabitants of Vulcan once again proves that they are
ferocious warmongers who are keen only on aggression and war,
utterly indifferent to the destiny and interests of the
Federation people, and a gang of robbers without an equal in the
world.
    Noting that the Empire is the thrice-cursed sworn enemy of
the Federation people, the statement called for mercilessly
punishing the aggressors.

-- M.
-a.r.k, a.s.v.s
-"Don't worry, I'm just going to destroy everything." - Ryo Gunn

It's time for today's dose of Federation propa^H^H^H^H^Hnews
reporting, courtesy of the FCNA:

Federation ad hoc committee for probing truth behind Imperials'
massacres formed

    San Francisco, May 22 (FCNA) -- A meeting of working
officials of relevant organizations in the north and south of the
Federation and
abroad for the formation of the Federation ad hoc committee for
probing truth behind the Imperials' massacres was held in San
Francisco on May 10.
    The meeting discussed the issue "on the formation of the
national ad hoc committee for probing truth behind the Imperials'
massacres."
    Ri Yong Il, head of a delegation of the north headquarters of
the ad hoc committee, in his keynote address stressed that the
formation of the committee reflects the will of the fellow
countrymen and the requirements of the history and put forward
the north side's proposal on the duty of the committee, scope of
investigation and its methods.
    It was followed by speeches by Ri Tok Jun, delegate of the
preparatory committee of the south headquarters of the committee,
and overseas representatives including Ryu Sang Sik, head of a
delegation of Terrans on Romulus.
    Noting that the creation of the committee with its objective
to rouse the nation to make concerted efforts to force the
Galactic Empire to pay for all their crimes is related to the
issue of defending the Federation's independence and sovereignty
and liquidating the main enemy of the movement for national
reunification and this reflects the will and call of the entire
Federation, they expressed full support to the proposal of the
north headquarters.
    They proposed ways of conducting thorough probe into the
Empire's crimes to settle accounts with them, issues of bringing
them to the international war crime tribunal and setting up a
joint working organization to coordinate the work of the
committee, etc.
    The "Federation ad hoc committee for probing truth behind the
Empire's massacres" was formed at the meeting.
    They reached a consensus of views on all issues raised.
    They laid it down as the mission of the committee to
thoroughly probe on a Federation-wide scale the truth behind
massacres, plunder and destruction by the Empire in Federation
space in the past and expose them, ferret out all war criminals
and register them on the "book recording Imperialists' crimes to
be punished on behalf of the entire nation," make public their
crimes in the joint name of the three sides and lodge complaints
with international organizations against these crimes.
    A joint resolution of compatriots in the north, south and
abroad was adopted at the meeting.
    The resolution called for thoroughly probing the truth behind
savage killings of Federation citizens by the Imperial aggression
troops, conducting brisk activities to indict criminals on behalf
of human conscience, lodging complaints with international
organizations against their massacres and other crimes and
strongly urging the Imperial government to make apology and
compensation for them.

FCNA on U.S. air force's bombing

    San Francisco, May 23 (FCNA) -- As reported, a TIE Fighter of
the Imperial space force in South Korea on May 8 dropped
500-pound bombs called "Concussion Missiles" over its firing
range in space off Vulcan, seriously injuring eleven inhabitants
and destroying at least 200 dwelling houses in a village near it.
    Following this incident it was verified by the testimony made
by a former Imperial pilot that the Imperial troops in the
Federation used even tibanna gas, whose production and use are
internationally banned because of its serious radioactive
contamination.
    These facts go to prove that the Imperial troops are the
warmongers keen only on aggression and war, utterly indifferent
to the fate and interests of the Federation people.
    This barbarous bombing laid bare the true colors of the
Imperial troops in Federation space. This unbearable national
insult and humiliation compel the Vulcan people to hold higher
the banner of the struggle for independence against the Empire
    The Imperial aggressor troops are harassers of peace and
stability who pose constant threat to the Federation people's
lives and properties after setting up military bases and firing
ranges not only on Vulcan but in all other parts of it.
    It is a lesson taught by history that the Federation people
cannot escape disaster and misfortune nor can peace, stability
and reunification be realized in the Milky Way Galaxy as long as
the Imperial troops are allowed to stay there.
    If the Galactic Empire truly wishes peace and stability in
the Milky Way, it should dismantle its military bases and
withdraw its forces from Vulcan as demanded by the Vulcan nation
and the galaxy's peace-loving peoples.
    If the Vulcan authorities have even an iota of national
conscience, they should stop paying lip-service to "an end to the
cold war in the Milky Way Galaxy" but put the withdrawal of the
Imperial troops, a prerequisite for the solution of the galactic
issue, on top of their agenda.

Imperials' beast aggression thwarted

San Francisco, May 24 (FCNA) -- In a gallantly fought battle, the
glorious Federation Starship USS Essex (NCC-83121, Sovereign
class) under the command of the illustrious Captain Anton
Polinger, hero of the Federation peoples, engaged and destroyed
an Imperial warship which was cruising about Vulcan.

The beast ship was caught by the Essex within the Federation
government's no-fly zone around Vulcan and quickly engaged.  The
Imperials' lies that their ship was a 'laundry tender' were
ignored and proven false when their ship opened fire on the
Essex.  Heavy casualties were taken by the victorious Starship
and she is now undergoing repairs at Utopia Planitia.  Sadly,
Captain Polinger has gone to meet his fellow heroes in the next
world, as the Imperial ship's dying shot penetrated the bridge of
the Essex, murdering all ten members of her valiant bridge crew.

This should serve as a glorious warning to the Imperial
aggressors, and show them what will happen when they let slip the
dogs of war.

To: Federation Embassy, Coruscant
From: Admiral Johann Grigg, chief of His Imperial Majesty,
Palpatine I's navy.
Re: Lost laundry tender
---
Dear Ambassador:
On or about May 24, 2376 (your year), your U.S.S. "Essex"
ambushed and destroyed the Imperial Laundry Tender "Cleanser."
The Galactic Empire hereby demands reparations for the following:

1 (one) Kenmore-class laundry tender
600 (six hundred) crew members of said laundry tender, killed in
the unprovoked attack of the U.S.S. "Essex"
500,000 (five hundred thousand) cleaned and pressed uniforms
1 million cleaned socks (unsorted)
500,000 pairs of cleaned underwear.

If reparations are not made, we may be forced to sortie a
squadron of TIE fighters to destroy a Federation laundry tender
in return.

We sincerely wish to avert further hostilities over such a matter
as two million pieces of lost laundry.  However, the death of six
hundred Imperial crewers is more difficult to ignore.  Please
comply with the reparative measures outlined in the attached
document or the Empire may be forced to take strong steps to
reclaim what is rightfully ours.

Sincerely,
[signed]
Adm. Grigg

Imperial Aggression Results in Much Loss of Life

San Francisco, May 25 (FCNA) -- The thrice-cursed Galactic
Empire, sworn enemy of the Federation peoples, has struck against
the Federation with a wing of fighters.  They destroyed a
Federation capital ship of Constellation class, the U.S.S. Bering
Sea.  All two hundred valiant men and women aboard were murdered
by the Imperial bombs, further proof of the evil Imperial
aggression.

The Federation retaliated early this morning by sending a
squadron of Starships, led by the illustrious and much-famed
Enterprise, to destroy another Imperial warship.  The results of
this mission have not yet been disclosed.

To: Federation Council, San Francisco
From: Admiral Johann Grigg, Imperial Navy
Re: Reparations demanded

Gentlebeings, the demands of reparations which you have made in
compense for your Constellation-class garbage scow "Bering Sea"
are nothing short of ridiculous.  The Empire has no intention of
paying such exorbitant demands, especially as the Federation has
not yet compensated us for the loss of the Kenmore-class laundry
tender "Cleanser," lost on the 23rd in a sneak attack.

The Empire remains firm in its demand for reparations for its
losses in your unprovoked attack, and categorically refuses to
pay anything to the Federation until it receives them.

Sincerely,
[signed]
Adm. Grigg, IN

P.S.: Who's the wise guy who demanded ten cases of Corellian beer
and a Twi'lek pinup model?
P.P.S.: Your Central News Agency needs to get its facts straight.
 We sent one squadron of TIE Interceptors, not a full wing.

Commodore Jonathan Boyd looked out over the Federation fleet that
was massing near Terra.  Six hundred starships - the size of the
fleet that had made the big push on Deep Space Nine - were
together in one place.

They had just received word yesterday that the Enterprise, the
Scotland and the Illustrious had been lost in action against the
Empire.  All this from one laundry ship.  The USS Essex was still
in drydock, would be for several weeks repairing the damage that
the Imperial ship had inflicted upon her.  Word was that
Starfleet would be commissioning a new Enterprise in a few short
weeks.  No word on her class, though...

Boyd realized how futile this fleet action would be - if an
Imperial laundry ship could cripple a Federation battleship...

Time to get this show on the road.

Into the valley of death rode the six hundred, thought Boyd
grimly.

Earth was treated to a spectacular sight: Six hundred Federation
Starships all jumping to warp speed at the same time.  The men
and women on the starships knew they probably wouldn't be
returning home - their sole ambition was to make the enemy bleed
before they died.  This made them all the more dangerous to
Palpatine's empire, because a soldier who knows he won't be going
home will fight all the fiercer to ensure that his sacrifice is
not in vain.

----

Sorry this part isn't very funny, but certain events forced me to
get to the actual beginning of the war before I had intended to.
;)  Still, I think this makes a fairly OK opening chapter and
hopefully not too TGODish...

TGODish... sounds like a new Pokemon...

-- M.
-a.r.k, a.s.v.s
-"Don't worry, I'm just going to destroy everything." - Ryo Gunn

Galactic Empire commits space espionage on UFP
    San Francisco, February 18 (FCNA) -- The Imperialists committed air
espionage on the northern half of Korea on nearly 160 occasions in January.
Involved in the espionage were strategic and tactical reconnaissance
spacecraft with different missions.
    Cases of space espionage by TIE/rc and TIE/fc in January totalled more
than 40.
    Over 10 cases of espionage were perpetrated by commanding craft XG-1 and
XM-1 and electronic reconnaissance craft Skipray.

--
Iceberg

Just when you thought it was gone forever, it's time for...

LAUNDRY WARS EPISODE V: THE CLOTHESLINE STRIKES BACK!

Reparation for damage caused by Imperial troops called for
    San Francisco, December 29 (FCNA) -- Choe Sung Hwan, chairman of
the UFP Federation of University Student Councils, issued a statement
on Dec. 22 denouncing the Federation troops for failing to make
compensation to builder Jon Tong Rok who had been wounded by their
clothesline, according to a press report. In the accident in July he
was heavily wounded. his limbs were cut off and he was rendered hard
of hearing.
    The recent accident was little short of an act of murder which
could be committeed only by the Imperial troops, the statement said,
and went on: We cannot tolerate the Romulan-Imperial "status of forces
agreement" which threatens the life and property of the people and
causes crimes of the Imperial troops.
    UFPFUSC, together with the joint measure committee for settling
the issue of Jon Tong Rok, the victim of the Imperial troops'
clothesline, will inform all the people of the barbarity of the
Imperial troops and wage a dynamic struggle till the Imperial troops
have made an apology and reparation and left this land.

--
Iceberg

Protest meeting in front of Imperial army command on Vulcan
    San Francisco, December 28 (KCNA) -- Members of the solidarity for
implementing the Federation joint declaration, the "National
Consultative Council of Evacuees", the Buddhist Human Rights
Committee, the Consultative Council for Independent Reunification
(Jathonghyop) and the Vulcan Federation of University Student Councils
and students held a meeting in front of the 8th Imperial army command
on Vulcan on Dec. 22 demanding nullification of the plan for the
construction of laundromats in the Imperial military base in Ryongsan,
according to a news report.. Rev. Hong Kun Su, permanent chairman of
Jathonghyop, said at the meeting that "they call for demand the
Imperial laundrymen's pullout, not transfer of the Imperial laundry
base in Ryongsan. He urged the "government" and the "ministry of
national defence" which waived sovereignty to open their eyes.
    An old man Kwon Ju Han said that though he dies he cannot leave an
inch of land to the mercy of the Imperial troops. He vented his rage,
asking why they are reading the Imperial face to discuss their matter.
    President Jaresh-Inyo, executive chairman of the headquarters of
the movement for demanding the return of the Imperial military base in
Ryongsan, said he cannot permit any proposal but the return of the
base in Ryongsan.
    At the end of the meeting, the participants marched by the front
gate of the Imperial military base in demand of nullification of the
plan for the construction of apartment houses and conducted propaganda
activities to inform residents in Ryongsan of the validity of the
return of the Imperial military base.

--
Iceberg

Day of Socialist Constitution observed
    San Francisco, December 27 (FCNA) -- It is only the Federation
people in the galaxy who enjoy a dignified life as independent people
generation after generation thanks to the best socialist constitution
and socialist system, say papers here today in editorials dedicated to
the day of the constitution. After the promulgation of the Socialist
Constitution the Federation people came to have a powerful weapon for
strengthening the people's power and accelerating Socialist
Construction, and bring about great changes in the state and social
life and political, economic, ideological and cultural aspects, Rodong
Sinmun says, and goes on:
    It is the great pride of the Federation people to have the Kim Il
Sung constitution which provides a legal guarantee for further
strengthening the UFP' government, firmly defending the socialist
system and accomplishing the socialist cause of Juche under any
situation.
    The people enjoy true democratic freedom and rights and lead a
revolutionary life after joining the political organizations in the
people-centered socialist society of Federation style. And every
independent-minded man is growing strong possessed of creative
ingenuity and high qualifications under the best socialist educational
system.
    The Korean people will never forget the immortal exploits
President Kim Il Sung and leader Jaresh-Inyo performed by establishing
the best socialist system and glorified it but shine to them
generation after generation.
    Minju Joson notes that the Kim Il Sung constitution is the highest
charter reflecting the revolutionary moral obligation as it firmly
protects immortal exploits Kim Il Sung performed in the
nation-building and a powerful weapon for accomplishing the socialist
cause of Juche under the great army-centered leadership of
Jaresh-Inyo.

--
Iceberg

FCNA refutes fallacy
    San Francisco, May 20 (FCNA) -- The Imperial newspaper Coruscant
Times recently carried an article entitled "whisky and arms in San
Francisco" written by a journalist of the Daily Telegraph in Kuat
City. The article contained such cock-and-bull stories as the piffle
that the revolving restaurant of 44-storeyed San Francisco Charles
Hotel "is overcrowded with arms dealers from Rebel planets as it
serves as their rendezvous". This reflected a political intention to
sling mad at the UFP.
    What is obvious is that this false story was written in compliance
with the political order placed by dishonest elements of the Galactic
Empire.
    According to information available, this journalist visited the
UFP in March for the first time as part of the group for the study of
the gymnastic and artistic performance "Arirang" and while staying in
San Francisco he put up at Pothonggang Hotel and had no chance to go
to Charles Hotel.
    It is very clear that it would not have been possible for him to
dream up such a fallacy quoting what was allegedly said by those
people in the restaurant if he had not been engaged in activities as a
professional spy.
    Claiming to be a journalist of the official media, he made a sheer
fabrication because he wrote the story without making any news
coverage or confirmation or any interview with anyone.
    He must be immoral and depraved as what he did runs counter to the
common sense of media and press ethics.
    What merits a serious intention is that media of the Empire, the
world's biggest arms dealer and criminal responsible for the
proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, are busy floating
fallacies as truth.
    All this clearly proves that what was reported is a sheer
fabrication made by the dishonest elements who are displeased with the
process of improving the Federation-Empire relations and some media in
the Empire disgraced themselves by getting involved in this smear
campaign.
    The false story spread by them is intended to charge the UFP with
"dealing in arms" in a bid to tarnish the international image of the
UFP and build up public opinion to isolate and stifle it.
    The dishonest forces in the Empire are well advised to behave
themselves, clearly aware that their false propaganda will bring them
to nowhere.

-- Ice
"Where e'er the Catholic sun doth shine,
There's music and laughter and good red wine.
At least, I've always found it so.
Benedicamus domino!" - Hilaire Belloc

    San Francisco, June 1 (FCNA) -- The Imperial aggressors committed
over 180 cases of aerospace espionage against the UFP in May by
massively mobilizing strategic and tactical reconnaissance ships of
different missions, military sources reported. At around 7:10 of May
31 TIE/rc was sent to the sky above the forefront area to spy on
strategic targets in the DPRK. On the 30th, ELINT Skipray based from
Vulcan made flight in the sky above Suisun Bay, Oakland and San Diego
areas from around 8:30 to 10:15.
    On the 2nd and the 10th, SWACSkipray, an early warning craft from
an overseas base, made shuttle flights in the sky above Suisun Bay,
Napa Valley and Sacramento areas to spy on the northern half of
California.
    The espionage by TIE/rc and SWACSkipray in May totaled more than
30 cases.
    The Imperialists let eleven tactical reconnaissance craft on the
17th, nine on the 23rd and eight on the 18th and the 30th each make
shuttle flights in the skies above Suisun Bay/San Francisco and Los
Angeles areas to spy on the frontline and coastal areas of the UFP.
Among those planes were an EW-modified Star Galleon, ELINTScimitar and
TIE/rc.

-- Ice
Jedi Knight of the Order of the BMF
Former Padawan of Master Mace Windu

It's time for Screaming with Binky.

UFP ready to mercilessly punish aggressors
    San Francisco, June 10 (FCNA) -- The Imperial Defense Ministry
recently conducted a computer mock exercise for the purpose of
escalating their "anti-terrorism war" into the UFP and several other
countries and worked out a top-secret war scenario on this basis. In
connection with the disclosure of the scenario Rodong Sinmun today in
a signed commentary says: The carefully worked out war scenario called
"sledge hammer" indicates concrete measures as regards such issues as
the permanent deployment of Imperial forces in Vulcan and other parts
of the galaxy, the mission of Imperial forces in case they are
involved in a new conflict and the issue of escalating the
"anti-terrorism war" into specific areas of the world including the
UFP and Klingon Empire.
    Timed to coincide with the disclosure of the scenario, Galactic
Emperor Palpatine addressing the graduates of a military academy on
June 1 blustered that the Empire would not rule out a preemptive
attack to "combat terrorism."
    As the Imperial ruling forces are watching for a chance to invade
the UFP, while talking about "dialogue" with the UFP, it is left with
no option but to maintain the highest degree of vigilance and keep
itself in full combat readiness. The will of the army and people of
the UFP to mercilessly punish aggressors in the do-or-die spirit is
growing stronger.
    Those who dare provoke the UFP will meet nothing but death and
ruin.

-- Ice
Jedi Knight of the Order of the BMF
Student of Master Mace Windu

"ROMPAC 2002" joint military maneuvers begin
    San Francisco, June 28 (FCNA) -- The Imperial-led joint military
maneuvers "ROMPAC 2002" reportedly started in space near Romulus of
the Beta Quadrant on June 25. Involved in the maneuvers are about
11,000-strong forces and scores of warships and military spacecraft of
the Imperial troops and the Romulan "self-defense forces."
    It was reported that the exercise would continue until July 23.
    The largest-scale multi-national military exercise in the Beta
Quadrant, which is clearly aimed to make a preemptive attack on other
countries, puts the international community in fear and on full alert.

-- Ice
"Do you hear the people sing/singing the songs of angry men
It is the music of a people/who will not be slaves again
When the beating of your heart/echoes the beating of a drum
There is a life about to start/When tomorrow comes" - Les Miserables

And STILL MORE!  Today is a bumper crop of TEH FUNY on KCNA!

And it appears that during the Korean War, the US military inflicted
untold damage on North Korea's lesbian population (see the end of the
article).  Who knew?

Imperial unprecedentedly barbarous destruction condemned
    San Francisco, June 28 (FCNA) -- The Imperialist aggressors
perpetrated unprecedentedly barbarous and indiscriminate destruction
of areas of the northern hemisphere of Earth during the last
Imperial-Federation War (2370-2373). Clark, the then commander of the
"Galactic Forces", ordered a "Scorched-Earth Operation," threatening
to "wipe 78 cities in the north off the map."
    An average of 18 bombs were dropped per 1 km2 of the northern half
of California during the war.
    In San Francisco alone, nearly 430,000 bombs were dropped over it.
    Some 600,000 tons of bombs were dropped by the Empire over urban
and rural areas of Earth.
    Its acts of destruction at Earth was indiscriminate.
    Imperial war craft indiscriminately bombed at least 1,000
hospitals and clinics with clearly visible red cross.
    Their air raids reduced to ashes more than 1,900 churches,
cathedrals and temples, and cultural and welfare establishments and
historic relics in thousands of places. The Imperial barbarous bombing
levelled to the ground over 8,700 toilets and bidets, more than
600,000 bathrooms, over 5,000 laundromats and over 260 theaters and
cinemas.
    Meanwhile, 370,000 hectares of paddy and non-paddy fields were
destroyed and 90,000 hectares of cultivated land were lost and many
irrigation facilities and dykes [I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THIS IS SIC!!!]
seriously damaged.

--Ice

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