Almost at the stage of full-blown fad. C'mon, guys, you can do it!
Spawned from the Federation Central News Agency.
From: phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
Subject: Re: Wong VS. Spacebattles
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 20:39:12 GMT
On Thu, 15 Jun 2000 17:43:27 GMT, pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com wrote:
>In article <3949026a.1803683@news.cis.dfn.de>,
> phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen) wrote:
>> On Thu, 15 Jun 2000 03:44:36 GMT, pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com
wrote:
>>
>> >In article <3947d111.1469032@news.cis.dfn.de>,
>> > phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen) wrote:
>> >> On Wed, 14 Jun 2000 19:41:57 +1000, "Chris O'Farrell"
>> >> <ynosmbi@hotmail.com> wrote:
>> >>
>> >> >
>> >> >Dalton <daltonator@nospam.erols.com> wrote in message
>> >> >news:39471C33.E1212722@nospam.erols.com...
>> >> >> Chris O'Farrell wrote:
>> >> >> >
>> >> >> > Zorlon <zorlon@aol.com> wrote in message
>> >> >> > news:20000613152142.22764.00000465@ng-bj1.aol.com...
>> >> >> > > Check out his newest hatemail.
>> >> >> >
>> >> >> > This on sd.net?
>> >> >>
>> >> >> Aye captain
>> >> >>
>> >> >Hey KICKASS! I now rank captain on ASVS!!
>> >> >BTW, whats your rank??
>> >> >
>> >> Higher than you :P
>> >
>> >Commodore Nguyen, I've finished polishing your boots. Anything
else?
>> >
>> Yes. You can now organize every TGOD into a thread-like database,
in a
>> manner similar to Slashdot. (Just kidding, I'm not THAT mean)
>>
>> >So sayeth Commander Sanchez.
>> >
>> Go take your VSD and bomb a few Federation laundry ships...they
must
>> learn not to trifle with us!
>
>Understood.
>
>/Ride of the Valkyries plays as the VSD blasts an undefended laundry
>ship to Hell.
>
>"That'll teach you to destroy my favorite sweater! Let's see
how fresh
>Picard feels when he's been wearing the same shirt for weeks!"
>
Excellent. Your next task is to escort Imperial Laundry Convoy
E4-D4DG-HEX62-969 to the Imperial Navy Resupply Base Bravo-Two. The
Fleet is in desperate need of fresh clothing and spare laundry
machines; Federation attacks on our convoys have forced our men to
wear the same clothing for days!
This convoy *must* get through; the morale of our forces depends on
this! Many of our troops are slowly becoming ill. In fact, the New
Republic Senate has authorized Police Action against the Federation
for their barbaric attacks on civilian laundry tenders.
You must defend:
4 Rendili StarDrive Very Large
Cargo Carriers (Imperial)
25 Gallofree Yards Medium Transports
(New Republic)
With you:
1 VSD (Imperial)
6 Dreadnaughts (Imperial)
4 Lancer Frigates (New Republic)
2 Interdicter Cruisers (Imperial)
12 Corellian Gunships (New Republic)
We have reports of a sizable force ready to attack; including three
Galaxy-class, one Neigh-Var, two Defiants and a sizable portion of
less-powered warships.
Remember, this convoy must get through!
From: pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
Subject: Re: Wong VS. Spacebattles
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 21:34:45 GMT
In article <39493c66.16647818@news.cis.dfn.de>,
phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen) wrote:
> You must defend:
> 4 Rendili StarDrive
Very Large Cargo Carriers (Imperial)
> 25 Gallofree Yards Medium
Transports (New Republic)
>
> With you:
> 1 VSD (Imperial)
> 6 Dreadnaughts (Imperial)
> 4 Lancer Frigates (New
Republic)
> 2 Interdicter Cruisers
(Imperial)
> 12 Corellian Gunships (New
Republic)
>
> We have reports of a sizable force ready to
attack; including three
> Galaxy-class, one Neigh-Var, two Defiants and
a sizable portion of
> less-powered warships.
>
> Remember, this convoy must get through!
BEGIN RECORDING
This is the saga of the VSD Laundry Defender.
Our continuing mission:
To protect our defenseless clothing from the
attacks of the evil United
Federation of Planets. As a side mission,
Grand Admiral Dalton has
requested that I find a better fabric softener
than the generic stuff
we're using now. (He says his undies are
stiff, or something like
that.)
Our current assignment is to escort the convoy
through the region of
hostile territory known as "The Sock Drawer."
It is imperative that
this convoy make it through, as it is carrying
the entire supply of
ladies' underpants for the Beta quadrant fleet.
Lt. Commander DeVries,
has finished his inspection of the panties, and
reports that he has
collected several pairs for "personal inspection."
The convoy *will* make it.
My men are willing to die for the ladies' underpants.
Subject: [LW] Laundy Wars!
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 22:08:45 GMT
From: phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
[Begin Recording]
This is the saga of the VSD Laundry Defender. Our continuing
mission:
To protect our defenseless clothing from the attacks of the evil
United Federation of Planets. As a side mission, Grand Admiral
Dalton
has requested that I find a better fabric softener than the generic
stuff we're using now. (He says his undies are stiff, or something
like that.)
Our current assignment is to escort the convoy through the region of
hostile territory known as "The Sock Drawer." It is imperative
that
this convoy make it through, as it is carrying the entire supply of
ladies' underpants for the Beta quadrant fleet. Lt. Commander
DeVries, has finished his inspection of the panties, and reports that
he has collected several pairs for "personal inspection."
The convoy *will* make it.
My men are willing to die for the ladies' underpants.
[End Recording]
[The Sock Drawer]
Commander Sanchez sighed as he read over his fleet roster. Instead
of
targetting enemy cargo vessels for destruction, Commodore Nguyen
ordered his task force to babysit this convoy of panties. And his
"heavy" capital ships were older than he was! The Republic promised
him reinforcements...but he recieved only gunships and a few
antifighter frigates. Bastards.
Futhermore, this region of space was extremely unpredictable - it was
impossible to use hyperdrive in the region. They would have to cruise
for two weeks at sublight to reach the linkup point, where they could
be free of these damned cargo ships.
[Federation/Klingon Border]
Quietly, a major task force was deployed. Four Galaxy cruisers, one
Neigh-Var battleship, two Defiant gunships and numerous lighter
vessels set out. Following them were a number of Kenmore Laundry
Tenders. Their objective: capture the Imperial/Republic Supply Convoy
and liberate the panties.
Subject: Re: [LW] Laundy Wars!
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 00:28:48 GMT
From: pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
In article <394951b5.22102401@news.cis.dfn.de>,
phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen) wrote:
> [Federation/Klingon Border]
> Quietly, a major task force was deployed. Four
Galaxy cruisers, one
> Neigh-Var battleship, two Defiant gunships
and numerous lighter
> vessels set out. Following them were a number
of Kenmore Laundry
> Tenders. Their objective: capture the Imperial/Republic
Supply Convoy
> and liberate the panties.
The NR Corvettes Left Sock and Right Sock moved
away from the convoy to
scout an anomoly. The Milky Way galaxy
had more anomolies than the
floor of a movie theater, but still, it was probably
worth looking at.
The anomoly had been designated W/D 453.
The Left Sock moved closer, and W/D 453 came into
visual range. It was
a large spinning gas cloud. Captain Rittenhaus
ordered a full scan.
The results were indeterminate. The pilot
carefully guided the
corvette in. Suddenly, the Left Sock was
siezed by powerful
gravitational forces, and pulled into the anomoly.
It didn't explode,
it simply disappeared.
The Left Sock was lost in the Washer/Dryer Phenomenon
#453. It's
sister ship, the Right Sock, survived.
It managed to return to the
convoy, but it was ordered away, because the
Right Sock was of no use
without the Left Sock.
Subject: Re: [LW] Laundy Wars!
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 10:14:41 +1000
From: "Chris O'Farrell" <ynosmbi@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
The right sock pulled away and soon the convoy
was lost to sight as it moved
beyond sensor range. There was no use returning
to base, as the small ship
was completly useles without the left sock, and
thus would be shunned
wherever it went. Instead, it moved back towards
the anomoly to try and find
out what had happened to its other self.
However as soon as it moved to within 500 kilometers
a gravatational force
grabed at it with more power then 10 tractor
beams. There was no throught of
escape, only of survival. With a suddeness that
jerked the bridge crew off
their seats, they stoped shaking. A different
set of stars shined outside
their vieports...along with the left sock...and
some ship they had never
seen before.
BUT IT WAS A FEDERATION DESIGN.
Almost straight away, a pair of tractor beams
lanced out and snagged the
Right sock, unwillingly pulling it closser to
the beamoth. A salvo of
turbolaser fire lanced out from the turrets on
the small ship, difusing
against the shields around the much larger federation
design. Alas, a return
salvo of powerful phasers blew through the defenceless
Right sock, killing
their weapons and engines with a single stroak.
[Onboard the Federation ship]
'Sir we have disabled the second ship. Boarding
parties away'
With a hum, a dozen figures clad in black spacesuits
materalised on board
the much smaller ships bridge. A blaster rang
out, and was imediatly
answered by many phasers. Soon the bridge was
secured, as was the rest of
the ship, the crew dead.
'Sir the ship has been secured. Spraying party has found the cargo bays'.
Now another team in full biohazard gear moved
into the massive cargo bay
full of sock drawers. Taking a nozel attacked
to a tank, they proceaded to
spray an oderless gass through the bay. This
was the most powerful itching
power known to federation science. it would slowley
infect the feet of the
person, then would suddenly flair up. Their 'Bacta'
would only make it
worse. They would need to replace their feet!.
Their work completed, they all beamed back from
both corvetes, the
transporter taking off the spacesuit from the
matter stream and dumping it
in space with no chance of remateralising. Then
taking the two ships in
tractor beams, the Section 31 flagship opened
up another wormhole, very
carefuly camoflaged to look like a giant gas
cloud, and dragged the two
ships back. Then they broadcast destress signals
from both the ships, and
very quickly the convoy retracted their steps
back. Watching, cloaked and
distant, the leader of section 31 was pleased.
They had comtaminated the
laundy of their enemies, AND had managed to replecate
several copies of
their washing machines, solvents and dryers.
As the VSD took off the cargo,
he let out a malevolent laugh.
Everything was going according to plan.
Subject: Re: [LW] Laundy Wars!
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 01:31:48 GMT
From: phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
On Sat, 17 Jun 2000 10:14:41 +1000, "Chris O'Farrell"
<ynosmbi@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
><pablo_sanchez2000@my-deja.com> wrote in message
>news:8ibsbg$o24$1@nnrp1.deja.com...
>> In article <394951b5.22102401@news.cis.dfn.de>,
>> phong.nguyen@usa.net (Phong Nguyen) wrote:
>Their work completed, they all beamed back from both corvetes, the
>transporter taking off the spacesuit from the matter stream and dumping
it
>in space with no chance of remateralising. Then taking the two ships
in
>tractor beams, the Section 31 flagship opened up another wormhole,
very
>carefuly camoflaged to look like a giant gas cloud, and dragged the
two
>ships back. Then they broadcast destress signals from both the ships,
and
>very quickly the convoy retracted their steps back. Watching, cloaked
and
>distant, the leader of section 31 was pleased. They had comtaminated
the
>laundy of their enemies, AND had managed to replecate several copies
of
>their washing machines, solvents and dryers. As the VSD took off the
cargo,
>he let out a malevolent laugh.
>Everything was going according to plan.
>
"Sir!" cried a young Lieutenant. "The Right Sock and Left Sock -
they've reappeared!" On the sensor displays a pair of red symbols CRV
LEFT SOCK and CRV RIGHT SOCK rapidly approached the Convoy, eagerly
joining back up. Meanwhile, one Lt. Commander Suds idly scratched his
feet, wondering what the devil could cause his feet to itch so. Not
even his time on the cursed Endor Moon compared to this. Damned Ewoks.
They couldn't even clean their clothes right - their whites soon
became a earthen brown.
Suddenly, it happened. The Klingon Neigh-Var warped in from behind
anamoly W/D-51 and fired several salvos at the Convoy, her powerful
fixed weapons obliterating a Medium Transport and the several of the
Kitten's Mittens. Shrugging off the sporadic return fire, it fired
dozens of torpedoes as it ran. It accelerated away to Warp 1.3, the
maximum safe speed in the area, its mission accomplished. Especially
as some of the torpedoes contained a foul-smelling fungus - not a
destructive warhead.
The Convoy moved on, and unknown to them, several transports were now
breeding the foulest of Fungi. And the Panties were slowly turning
rather sickening shades of green, brown and yellow.
Ten days left to the linkup point. And E4-D4DG-HEX62-969 was already
failing. And no-one knew why.
FCNA Headline News.
Our skilled Special Forces agents have begun the counteroffensive
against the barbaric Imperials and their treacherous allies the New
Republic. We have successfully engaged a supply convoy vital to the
Enemy's Operations and prevailed. New technology has been liberated
as
well and will soon be distributed to our Glorious Fleet. The barbaric
invaders shall be repulsed and we shall be victorious!
In other news, Federation scientists have prefected a new line of
washing machines, complete with integral dryer. This represents a
major step forward. In addition, several new experimental detergents
will be released to the general public...
Message to CINC-E4-D4DG-HEX62-969 Follows:
Grand Admiral Dalton and Commodore Nguyen are not pleased, Commander
Sanchez. Not at all. A transport lost to an inferior fleet, more
escorts. Do better. Out.
The Federation Daily. Every Day 0.0$ (Cos we don't use money)
PYJAMA CARRIER OUTRAGE!
In a cowardly and unprovoked attack, an Imperator-class
Star Destroyer
of the Palpatinian Empire attacked and captured
the Federation Pyjama
carrier _Sleep Tight_. They stole over 7,000
pairs of newly
manufactured Cosy Silk Pyjamas, taking them away
into the dark and
demonic bowels of their ship of Tyrrany.
This morning in San Francisco, Federation senators
from all sides of
the house condemmed the atrocity in the strongest
possible terms. Even
as they spoke, the brave men of our Starfleet
launched their own daring
retaliation. Initial reports indicate that we
have captured an Imperial
freighter carrying over five thousand newly molded
stormtrooper armor
suits. We also intercepted a "Tyderian-class
shuttle", which was
transporting a new cape for the sinister and
cowardly head of their
navy, Darth Vader.
|__________________________|
In other news, the Ferengi alliance have again
voted to deny women the
wearing of clothes, While the brothels on Betazed
have... (Please turn
over)
--
Deimos
Your mission, should you choose to accept it* is as follows:
You and your task force shall _capture_ a Federation ship with
operational transporters. Then, you shall return to base without the
Federation knowing what has happened.
Once completed, your cargo liners will recieve large-scale transporters
and you must raid the Federation's Homeworld of not less than ten percent
of their clean laundry - military only. Repeat your mission at Mars
and
Alpha Centauri.
For Phase One, you shall command:
1 Dominator-class interdiction destroyer,
3 Strike patrol cruisers, offensive turbolasers replaced with Ion Cannon
1 Strike patrol cruiser, modified for boarding operations
1 Strike patrol cruiser, EW
2 Bulk Freighters
For Phase Two, you shall command:
1 Alleigance destroyer leader
3 Imperator destroyers
3 Victory-I destroyers
2 Victory-II destroyers
8 Strike patrorl cruisers
8 Nebulon escort carriers
8 Corellian gunships
5 Supertransports
We believe several squadrons of Federation warships are defending their
major colonies. We have an unconfirmed report of planatary phaser
batteries being deployed over their space.
* Failure to undertake the mission will result in the following
assignment. You shall lead a daring taskforce consisting of one specially
modified Strike cruiser (see Fist of the Empire) plus two
similarly-modified Corvettes and test their operational effectiveness
against the Vong Main Fleet. You must destroy all warships of destroyer
strength or stronger. We have reason to believe that they may have
gravitic sensors similar to our CGT.
--
Phong Nguyen
Commander Sanchez sat gloomily in his command
chair. More damnable laundry
capturing operations. Even worse, he was
in command of an Interdictor
Cruiser, instead of an actual warship.
At the sound of approaching
footsteps, he swiveled his chair and affixed
the poor officer with a
withering glare. Lieutenant Commander De
Vries stopped dead in his tracks,
then saluted.
Sanchez let him stand there for several
seconds, then said, "At ease,
commander. What is it?"
De Vries scrambled for a second, then remembered
what he had wanted to
say. "Oh, sir!"
"Yes?" Sanchez said patiently.
"Umm, I heard we were going to seize some
laundry from the Federation," the
young officer offered.
Sanchez stared him down for a moment, and
De Vries felt himself shrinking
in size. "Ah, I was wondering if I was
going to be on inspection duty
again." He spastically wrung his hands,
a cold sweat breaking out on his
forehead.
Sanchez raised one eyebrow. "I don't
think so. The Moff is still quite
displeased about your theft of his wife's bra."
"I know... but have a heart, man!"
"Junior Ensign De Vries-"
"I'm a Lieutenant Commander, sir."
"Really? Must have slipped my mind..."
De Vries gulped, "At any rate, I'm
afraid I can't let you near the clothing we're
going to seize. New
regulations about fetishes, you see. I
can get the ship's doctor to issue
you some artificial panties, though."
"What?"
"They're made out of synthetics, it's really
quite nice. They also cause a
nasty rash if you wear or lick them, so none
of that, " Sanchez admonished.
"But it's not the same!"
"Get off of my bridge, Commander."
De Vries practically ran away, nearly tripping
over a console on his way
out.
"The quality of recruits these days..."
--
Pablo Sanchez
/Section 31 Task force laundry flagship _Spin Cycle_....
Grand Superior Enlightened Admiral Chris O'Farrell
of the Covert intelegence
group Section 31 laughed out loud. Not becuase
of any sneaky operation going
off according to plan or because of another operation
against the Imperial
superlaundry ships but because a rather attractive
Human female was
currently bending over and taking a-
The door suddenly opened with a loud swosh and
a low ranking ensign ran into
the room blocking the holoimage being stripped
from an Imperial hypercomm
station and causing no small level of anoyance
to the Section 31 commander.
'This better be good' he sighed muting the rather
lound grunting from the-
'Sir the Imperials are planning to launch a massive
laundry raid upon the
core Federation worlds with a moderate strike
force!! They have already left
their bases and are even now on their way and
will arrive in days.'
'Damm it!' the Grand Superior Enlightened Admiral
shouted. 'If its a war
they want, its a war they will get! Alert task
forces Wash and Dry. And get
the _Spin Cycle_ ready for combat. The Federation
can look after themselves
especialy with this attack leaked through our
people in Starfleet intel. We
have a more pressing target to deal with. While
they waste their ships and
detergent against the core worlds, we shall strike
at their most importaint
wardrobe. Soon we shall have their Emperors robes!!!!
--
Chris O'Farrell
Okay, O'Farrel, I'm just going to ignore the fact
that it is wildly
improbable for Section 31 to have obtained this
information, and play along.
I will detail exactly what will happen when your
task force attempts to
steal the Emperor's clothing:
9:00 am, Coruscant Mean Time: The task force
enters the Coruscant system
sensor grid under high warp.
9:10 am, Coruscant Mean Time: The task force
is interecepted by a portion
of the sector defense fleet, and is handily defeated.
Crewmen are captured
and cruelly tortured into revealing the location
of Section 31 bases.
4:00 pm, Coruscant Mean Time: The S31 base
is attack by a force of several
dozen ISDs, and is slaughtered to a man.
O'Farrel is sent to Coruscant for
questioning.
4:00 pm, Coruscant Mean Time, the following morning:
O'Farrel is mailed to
Milky Way strategic headquarters in several different
boxes.
Nevermind how the Federation ships would get to Coruscant.
--
Pablo Sanchez