Topics
Last Updated December 6, 2003
The Home link will now take you to the blog. This site is no longer being updated.
My Deconversion Story
Introduction
This is a chronicle of how I went from being a believing Catholic to an atheist. Catholic education, in my view, helped me see the light and the freedom of atheism. Now that I'm an atheist, I don't have to worry about some eternal, narcissistic father figure watching everything I do. I don't have to base my actions on what an old man in Rome says I should do. I'm a much freer person. I'm not trying to promote or push atheism, but I figured that some would be interested in knowing exactly how I got to where I am, now. Now, onto the blasphemy!
I'm one of those that went through eight years of Catholic school, and now have a grudge against Catholicism. I've found that this is common. Most people, however, simply stay Christian but ditch Catholicism. I simply moved beyond the whole thing and embraced atheism. My story is a very long one, as nearly every year of my four years at a Catholic high school had some sort of experience that drove me further and further away from Christianity and organized religion, in general.
I first started attending Catholic school in the fifth grade, but, even before that, I received a weekly dose of Christian indoctrination through Sunday mass and my parish's religious education program. I never thought much of it. I never paid any attention at mass and never did homework at my REP classes. Going to a Catholic school changed all that, as I was forced to pay attention (or, at least, pretend that I was) at mass, and made to do homework for my "religion" class. As a result, I learned a lot about the faith I had been raised in. I was always the kid that would ask the priest tough questions when he came in for "Heavy Mysteries Week" (for those of you familiar with George Carlin). I'd get the standard "It's a mystery" cop-out, but I never really did accept it; I just didn't argue it any further. Most of my classmates had been at Catholic school all their lives, and got annoyed when someone like me "wasted the priest's time" with logical questions about inconsistencies in the Bible and other "nitpicks." That was all throughout fifth through eighth grade. I was still a Christian going out of grammar school, but, by that time, my parents had stopped going to mass because they worked so much and were just tired. I was uncomfortable with this, since my religion said I had to go to mass, but I wasn't about to complain. I figured that my parents knew what they were doing, in terms of my religious upbringing.
Then, I got to high school. "Religion" class was now called "Theology." It was far more of a hardcore indoctrination session, too. This was a religion's claims being presented as if they were factual and indisputable. The Bible became a veritable history book for the class. Christendom (a Christian theocracy) was described as the perfect government. I really didn't pay any attention. I tended to believe what I thought was right about Christianity, and discard the rest. Then, it was brought to my attention that the Church considered this "cafeteria"-like pick-and-choose mentality a bad thing. At this time, it was very difficult for me to go against the Church. I did it, but I always felt guilty about it. I felt guilty about not going to Church, not praying at all and a host of other things. Naturally, I was made to feel guilty about my sexual indulgences at the time. I felt guilty and dirty about looking at pornography and physically-gratifying myself. No matter how many times I told myself that no one was being hurt in even the most trivial way by my actions, I always felt guilty. I felt guilty because the Church told me to. I was very pro-life due to the typical Christian slide-show of aborted fetuses and pseudo-logical arguments regarding the subject. I was all for the death penalty, though, as I recall. Once, I asked my mother what she thought. She told me she supported it. I told her that the Church said it was wrong. She responded, "Well, the Church needs to wake up." That was, pretty much, freshman year.
Sophomore year Theology was more of the same. We learned about the Gospels as if they were factual accounts, and we were coaxed into believing that the Bible's inconsistencies and all-out contradictions were justifiable and explainable through a wealth of pseudo-logical arguments that we blindly accepted because they sounded logical. None of us knew what logic really was. Our only source of logic came from Theology class. They never taught us to take the Bible totally literally, though. We were taught, however, about all the different types of sin. The sexual sins were my favorite. Catholic schools have done away with the "sex is evil" tripe of the 1950's, and replaced it with today's "sex is beautiful, so you can't do it unless we say so" blathering. I decided to compromise a belief on sex. Sex before marriage is wrong unless the two people love each other. That was my belief up until, actually, very recently. In my first De-Conversion story, I stated that I believed this ridiculous garbage, and that was only a few months ago.
Junior year was a major transitioning point for me. That was the year that I simply threw Christianity, in general, out the window. This came from many nights of self-reflection and pondering. I came to the conclusion that, if I believed in Christianity, my motives and actions would always be subject to question. I found that I believed in God "just in case," which is the absolute-worst reason to embrace a belief. I was living a lie. Would I be doing the right thing because it was the right thing to do, or because God told me to, and, if I didn't, I'd burn in the afterlife? I couldn't live with that kind of moral questionability looming over my head, even if I was the only one doing the questioning. I found that I could be a moral person without a selfish god telling me what to do. I reasoned that, if the Christians were right about everything, that I'd rather present myself for judgment as an honest non-Christian, rather than one who merely professed belief in order to avoid damnation. My religious beliefs, at that time, were fluctuating wildly, almost daily. One day, I'd be an atheist, another an agnostic, another a deist or a theist with some strange god in mind. I never once, in that period, tried equating my religious beliefs with morality, however. If I was to believe in a god, that god could have no influence my moral life, lest I go through life doing things only out of fear of the wrath of an intangible father figure. Junior year Theology was quite different from that of the previous two. It had a semester devoted to Church history. So, we learned all about the Catholic Church's ugly history. Thanks to my teacher, Mr. Tom Kanies, who has my eternal admiration and respect, this information was presented in a factual, unbiased manner. He did nothing to conceal the injustices of the Church's past. The next half-semester was devoted to World Religions. We learned about Buddhism and Hinduism, mainly, and their beliefs and practices. I had taken 6 years of martial arts prior to this, so I was pretty well versed in the philosophy of certain Eastern religions, but it was nice to have the information presented in a classroom manner. The last quarter was devoted to social issues and justice, such as civil rights. Junior year was also the year that I went on a very religious retreat program that was just starting up in my school. The retreat was a 4-day affair, and a handful of boys and girls from my junior class were picked to go on it, experience and lead it the following year. I was selected to go. Even though I was an agnostic, I figured four days off of school might be a good thing. This would also give me a forum with which to discuss my personal beliefs. We went on the retreat with some kids from a high school in Chicago whom we'd never met before. In spite of the fact that I disagreed with nearly everything they said that had a religious significance to it, I really had a good time. The retreat was geared around realizing that you are a person loved by others. Of course, they wanted us to believe that God was "showing his love through our family," but I preferred to believe that my family loved me of their own accord, and not simply serving as communication vessels for some all-powerful father figure. This was also the year that I simply stopped receiving communion at our all-school masses. That was Junior year. I remained an agnostic until near the end of my Senior year.
Senior year was an interesting year. Our Theology class that year was a return to the standard-issue Christian indoctrination that sex is sacred and that there were logical reasons to believe in God. In fact, our first unit covered had to do with logic. We learned about Thomas Aquinas' "Summa Theologica," a book which, supposedly, provided logical reasons for God's existence, including the infamous "first mover" argument. This is actually the argument that kept me from becoming a full-fledged atheist. It wasn't until I finally found the flaws in the argument that I could confidently say that I was an atheist. As time went on, and as I read many more essays on the subject, I discovered the truth that logic and religion are not compatible in the slightest. This is also the time that I began writing for the school newspaper. I was well-known for publishing editorials on subjects that the Catholic Church was very sensitive about. My first article of my Senior year was one decrying the decision to remove the aforementioned World Religions course from the curriculum. I was vehemently opposed to this, and wrote the article so as to showcase the bigotry, arrogance and bigotry displayed by such an action. I also did it to test the waters of our new assistant principle, who was a priest. The waters rippled very heavily, and I was summoned to his office a few days after the issue of the paper came out. He informed me that there was no intent to remove the course, in spite of what I had been told by the instructor I had for that course. I believe that it will, eventually, be removed, due to the Bishop in the school's diocese's arch-conservative stance on nearly every issue. In any case, I was forced to retract my article and write an apology for calling the clergy hypocrites and bigots, else my writing privileges for the paper would be revoked. I gave in, knowing that nothing would be gained by losing my writing privileges in the paper. I continued to write, albeit with a somewhat toned-down subject selection. I also led the retreat for my school that I went on the previous year, although I didn't get to give the speech that all other leaders got to give, due to the fact that I hardly attended any meetings because of my job and my tuition payments. I also think that the fact that I was an agnostic had something to do with it. In any case, the retreat went well, but it was clear that someone of my controversial and opinionated nature was out of place on it, at least in a leadership capacity. All of my fellow leaders were Christian, but all were aware of what I believed, or, rather, didn't believe. I wanted the retreat to be an opportunity for people to think about their own beliefs. It was, however, a Catholic retreat. Instead, I served as a role model in the capacity that I was very secure in my beliefs. Toward the end of the year, I adopted a new moral system, the humanist moral system. I had previously relied upon my own conscience, but I discarded that in favor of a system that was firmly set in place, based on basic human rights and not what God thinks. My conscience, as I saw it, was untrustworthy from years of indoctrination.
I graduated and am now done with Catholic "education." I am moving on to a public university. Since I no longer have a daily dose of Christian indoctrination, I have become aware of the indoctrination present in America. I have become so used to hearing pro-life, anti-sex and bigotous religious blathering daily that my brain can't seem to get used to not having it. I notice all the little violations of separation of church and state that go on all around us. I notice the bigotry that is present in something a non-bigotous Christian might say. For example, on my retreat, my fellow leaders gave speeches; they all talked about how Jesus was good because he had helped them through bad times, allegedly. Looking back, I find this line of thinking repulsive and horribly self-centered. "Jesus is good because he's been good to me." Well, Tony Soprano is good to his partners in crime, but he's still a scumbag. I've also been discovering Bible passages that promote racism, bigotry, slavery and hate.
I am happy to say that atheism has made me a much more free person. I no longer live under the yoke of a god, the Pope or any religion. I am free to be my own person. I have a standard of morals to live my life by (human rights), and religion never enters into my decision-making process. I don't have to worry about going to Hell or Heaven, because I know that they don't exist. I am also sexually-free. The deletion of religion in my life and the substitution of human rights-based morality has allowed me to experience new things without fear of divine retribution.
However, as any atheist who went to Catholic school must know, it is a very difficult process to overcome the indescribable amounts of indoctrination that were pumped into me daily. I still have the fear of God ingrained in myself, and I fear that it may never go away. I must continually tell myself that I don't believe in god, because there is always a small part of me that wants to feel guilty about being an atheist. I must continually remind myself that I'm not going to burn in Hell for my beliefs, because there is no such place. I know, logically, that what the Church says is utterly false, but Catholic schools are a testament to the power of brainwashing and daily subjugation. Even though I have renounced Christianity, I have not been able to fully rid myself of it, and I fear that I may never be able to. This is why I hold Christianity in the absolute lowest regard. Christianity purports the spreading of its beliefs through nearly any means, including the violation of separation of church and state and others' freedom of religion. While I don't condemn every Christian, I do condemn those that believe in divine retribution in the form of Hell, for their immoral and twisted conception of justice, and those that are comparable in political stance to Pat Buchanan. As I continue to live, I will only be exposed to more ignorant Christian preaching. Whenever I drive down a highway, there will, invariably, be a giant billboard reading:
"I don't question YOU'RE existence.-God"
or
"I can think of ten things that ARE written in stone.-God"
I will always have to live with the fact that the United States currency bears the words "In God We Trust" on it, a constant reminder that my country looks with disdain on my beliefs. I must deal with Congress making decisions on topics such as banning cloning based on religious and theistic grounds. The more I think about these things, the angrier I get. I can't stand to think about them, because I know that it will be this way for a long time to come; Christianity's influence in this nation is too widespread to be combated. I can only hope that the world will, someday, grow up and do away with religion altogether, or at least make it truly and completely subordinate to the state.
I believe that atheists, at least in America, endure a much worse persecution than martyrs ever did, Ours is a lifetime of having to stand by, helplessly, while one, single religion dominates and controls our government. We must constantly endure passive persecution, in the form of small messages such as "In God We Trust" from the very government which supposedly grants us freedom of thought. We must put up with political leaders saying that we are not citizens, because America is one nation "under God," and that we are "tearing apart families" in the US. We must continually live with the knowledge that there is a substantial amount of people who believe that we will suffer for eternity for only exercising our freedom of thought. It seems as though we are living in a society that is in the infancy stage of Nazi-esque thinking, blaming us and our beliefs for tearing apart families and for increased "immorality" in the country. None of these claims are justifiable, yet millions of people accept them. Whereas Christian martyrs were tortured and killed for trying to force their religion into someone else's life, we are given small doses of disdain from our fellow countrymen throughout our entire lives.
I don't believe in Hell, but, because of where I live, I'll always be afraid of going there.
